I'm becoming unattractive to him

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  • deluxmary2000
    deluxmary2000 Posts: 981 Member
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    Yeah, if I ever gained so much weight that my SO wasn't attracted to me anymore I would want him to tell me. Sooner rather than later. It may be hard to hear but at least he's being honest. It's not his fault that he feels the way he does - attraction is mental, emotional, AND physical.

    Now, what you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    I've been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years.... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    You sound completely disenchanted, which isn't surprising since you're a divorce lawyer.

    Sex is how a lot of people feel love.
  • Sugarbeat
    Sugarbeat Posts: 824 Member
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    .... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    I agree with most of this but the first sentence - yikes.
  • Lofteren
    Lofteren Posts: 960 Member
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    That is because our society is focused on looks. Its been programmed into us

    If by "society", you mean the human race since it began, then sure I guess.

    Hahaha, ^This!

    I remember being 3 years old and looking at a chick in a swimsuit on the cover of a magazine and wondering why I didn't want to stop looking at her. It's part of human instinct, not society.
  • aurorareigns
    aurorareigns Posts: 167
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    I've been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years.... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    This was inspiring and devastating at the same exact time
  • MichelleV1990
    MichelleV1990 Posts: 806 Member
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    I remember my husband once told me he wasn't comfortable with fat women, and hoped I never got to be that way. My feelings were hurt, and I was very thin at the time. I've never been attracted to very thin men, but guess what? We both learned something. He's underweight, I'm overweight, and it doesn't matter. Would he like to gain a little? Yes; and Lord knows, I'd be more comfortable if I was thinner; but I love him for his huge heart, and loyalty more than for his good looks. I'm old enough now to realize how quickly looks fade. It's what's on the inside that makes for lasting relationships. Yes, physical attraction is what gets the ball rolling, but it's the loving, gentle soul that keeps the game going. Our 24th anniversary is this month, and in those 24 years, I've gotten to see what he's really made of; which makes me love him even more. Work on improving you for you. If your SO is of good character, he will support you. If not, Mr. Right will be just around the corner.
  • Lofteren
    Lofteren Posts: 960 Member
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    Yeah, if I ever gained so much weight that my SO wasn't attracted to me anymore I would want him to tell me. Sooner rather than later. It may be hard to hear but at least he's being honest. It's not his fault that he feels the way he does - attraction is mental, emotional, AND physical.

    Now, what you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you.

    Unfortunately, a lot of people don't feel the same way you do about this topic. I gained quite a bit of weight after I got married; not because of complacency, but because I was eating a lot in an effort to become as strong as possible but the gain was gradual so I guess I just didn't notice it until I finally hit the point of being a flat-out fat *kitten*. When I found that my wife had been cringing at my fatness for a few months I was mad that she never told me it was bothering her! I immediately cut my calories and started doing cardio and now I'm down to an acceptable level of bodyfat (for a SHW powerlifter, anyway).
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    I don't understand why everyone complain about their SO not being attracted to them....
    Sex is part of every healthy relationship. If he is not attracted to you, he is not. There is nothing he can do about it...

    What do you prefer? Him telling you about it, or him going elsewhere to get satisfaction ?

    agreed!
  • opus649
    opus649 Posts: 633 Member
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    I remember being 3 years old and looking at a chick in a swimsuit on the cover of a magazine and wondering why I didn't want to stop looking at her.

    Sears catalog. :embarassed:
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I was not expecting so many reasonable responses. I am pleased.

    Now to await the assault on the guy's character for having a physical preference and being honest.
  • W31RD0
    W31RD0 Posts: 173 Member
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    I'm not sure I'm thinking about the right reason to get more serious. A part of me wants to not try and another wants to show him but will I want to be with someone that put more meaning on looks. Sigh.... I wish I don't have to deal with this BS.

    If you look in a mirror, do you see a problem? Are you healthy feeling? Can you bolt for the bus for a block or two if you had to?

    We cannot control the feelings of others. Even if you were extremely fit, that is no guarantee your partner won't lose interest in you. However, consider it form your partner's perspective, they may have fallen for a different person. Maybe one who was more active and taking care of their body.
  • SeptemberLondon
    SeptemberLondon Posts: 151 Member
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    Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    Exactly!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    Yeah, if I ever gained so much weight that my SO wasn't attracted to me anymore I would want him to tell me. Sooner rather than later. It may be hard to hear but at least he's being honest. It's not his fault that he feels the way he does - attraction is mental, emotional, AND physical.

    Now, what you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you.

    This. I'd be glad he said something while I was still "becoming unattractive" rather than waiting until I was completely unattractive to him.
  • __freckles__
    __freckles__ Posts: 1,238 Member
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    I don't understand why everyone complain about their SO not being attracted to them....
    Sex is part of every healthy relationship. If he is not attracted to you, he is not. There is nothing he can do about it...

    What do you prefer? Him telling you about it, or him going elsewhere to get satisfaction ?

    Ding, ding, ding.
  • __freckles__
    __freckles__ Posts: 1,238 Member
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    I was not expecting so many reasonable responses. I am pleased.

    Now to await the assault on the guy's character for having a physical preference and being honest.

    I'm pleasantly surprised too. Usually these threads go an entirely different way.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    I was not expecting so many reasonable responses. I am pleased.

    Now to await the assault on the guy's character for having a physical preference and being honest.

    I'm pleasantly surprised too. Usually these threads go an entirely different way.

    Sounds like people are wising up.
  • MsBetteDavis
    MsBetteDavis Posts: 118 Member
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    I don't understand why everyone complain about their SO not being attracted to them....
    Sex is part of every healthy relationship. If he is not attracted to you, he is not. There is nothing he can do about it...

    What do you prefer? Him telling you about it, or him going elsewhere to get satisfaction ?

    I pretty much feel the same way. I agree that in an ideal world when you love someone you love them through thick and thing (which is sort of a pun but that's not how I intended that phrase to come out). You'll love them whether they have a ton of money, hardly any money, whether they put on a bunch of weight or if they get took skinny. But a person can't really help what they're attracted to. If I put on 50 pounds I know that my boyfriend wouldn't be attracted to me (this is excluding any weight gain from being pregnant). He's attracted to petite women, that's why he was initially interested me in the first place. My physique suited what he was into sexually.

    It sounds very harsh, especially when there are a whole host of reasons why a person has gained weight (whether something traumatic occurred, maybe they're suffering from a mental illness, etc.), but it is what it is. You can love a person, but having a healthy sexual relationship with them is so vital to a good, long-lasting partnership. When you have an unsatisfactory sex life, it bleeds into every other aspect of that relationship. And on the same coin, when your sex life is great, everything seems easy.

    All of that being said, OP, you should do what feels right for you. Do you want to be healthier? Then be healthier. Don't do it for someone else, because that's never the right reason (unless you're talking about getting healthier for your children, then that's another story).
  • hmrambling
    hmrambling Posts: 321 Member
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    Last night I woke up to a dream that stuck in my head. I have a very attractive ex and I have contemplated going back to her. I dreamed that she came to visit me, but she was an African American woman with short hair. She had the same personality, but she was physically different. I was not attracted to her. She came back again to visit and she had makeup on in an attempt to lighten her dark complexion, and I was not attracted to her. She came back and she was herself, but with a different hair color. I was not attracted to her. Her personality was the same though. Finally she came back as her smoking hot self that she always was, but I saw nothing but physical flaws and personality flaws that I had seen in the past, but had overlooked or accepted. I only saw flaws.

    Maybe the dream is a lesson for me to not put so much into appearances, or to get to know people more than I have in the past. I have had relationships with African American women in the past, so the fact that she came to visit as an African American woman was not the turn off for me... The turn off for me is that at some point I only saw flaws.

    I heard on the Oprah show years ago that when people argue about the toilet paper roll not facing the right direction on the roll that the argument is not really about the toilet paper roll at all. That could be the case here. There might be something going on at a deeper level. There might be something else that is not being addressed.

    On the other hand, I stayed with an ex for several years that I was not attracted to at all in hopes that things would get better. I tied up 9 years of each of our lives with that. It didn't work in the end and I had to let her go where she could have a more honest relationship with someone who would be genuinely attracted to her.

    ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫If it don't come easy, you gotta let it go♪♫♪♫♪♫
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
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    Have you been gaining weight since the relationship started?
    How much weight and over how much time?

    How has this impacted the way you talk about and see yourself?

    The reason I ask is this... If you don't like what you see, and do what I did and stand in front of the mirror picking out flaws and putting yourself down... you end up making YOURSELF unattractive to you and to your SO

    If you are confident in who you are and love yourself, then he will be more attracted to you. A lot of times, loss of attraction has a much larger emotional component - and if you are hating on yourself, you can be damaging the way he sees you too.

    Work on loving yourself, work on getting yourself happy, and even if you don't lose a drastic amount of weight, you may still see his attraction for you growing. spice up your relationship. BE sexy, BE attractive... both of those words are way more than descriptions of the physical being.



    or, I could be totally wrong.
  • TX_Rhon
    TX_Rhon Posts: 1,549 Member
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    Unfortunately, a lot of people don't feel the same way you do about this topic. I gained quite a bit of weight after I got married; not because of complacency, but because I was eating a lot in an effort to become as strong as possible but the gain was gradual so I guess I just didn't notice it until I finally hit the point of being a flat-out fat *kitten*. When I found that my wife had been cringing at my fatness for a few months I was mad that she never told me it was bothering her! I immediately cut my calories and started doing cardio and now I'm down to an acceptable level of bodyfat (for a SHW powerlifter, anyway).

    Dude - love your pic!!! :drinker:

    OP - losing weight for him is not going to work. You may end up resentful in the end. Do it because you want to. On the other hand, is he right? Have you gained a lot of weight? Maybe he is concerned for your health? There are always 2 sides to every story. I wish you the best!! :flowerforyou:

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