Shallow--me? seriously?

scrapalooza

I am so hurt, I seriously have never thought of myself as shallow.
So I am on a dating site & my friend was looking at profiles with me & I was a good match for someone & I said no pass & she asked why & I said because I am not attracted to him. She then goes on to say that is a stupid reason because we match up so well & that I am just being shallow. She said I should go on a date & that maybe over time I would become attracted to him. WTF???!!! um nooo!
That is called a friend. I have & have had plenty of very good male friends throughout my adult life & no I don't just become attracted to them. I am not looking for love at first sight or anything like that but I do need to be attracted to them.
I just need validation LOL! Am I wrong & she is right? Say it ain't so please.

Sweetout

You're right, she's wrong. Feel better?

sixout

You're wrong, she's right. Feel better?

beckybooo87xx

i have become attracted to people over time inner beauty can make people beautiful i think anyway. as they say dont judge a book by its cover...

MityMax96

I am right....and you both are wrong....

valkaree

Depends on the definition of shallow but if that is hers I would be ok with being shallow

BrillFit

Physical attraction is a part of any relationship. Anyone who states otherwise is lying to themselves.

Nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone and passing - tell her to mind her own business.

It's your love life and your future, not hers.

_SantaClause

You need thicker skin.

RunnerStephe

You are not shallow, I'm the same way.

Pipsg1rl

are you sure she didn't mean it as a tease?

jacques57

Attraction is a chemical reaction in your brain.
Love is an action, not a feeling, and requires constant work.

I know, it sucks.

angf0679

I've learned to never judge someone by their looks. Of the ones I have dated, the ones that were the best looking I've had the shortest relationship with. Looks shouldn't be the first thing, it's what is inside that counts. I've learned that lesson over much heartbreak.

sloth3toes

Just break up.

MinnieInMaine

Any chance she comes from a culture that is cool with arranged marriages? I only ask because that's what this mindset makes me think of.

I'm not sure either of you is right/wrong, it's just a difference of opinion or perspective. She's ok with dating someone who may not be gorgeous to her because personality, common interests, etc is more important to her than looks. And for you, physical attractiveness is more important. That's just how you both are.

justlistening

I would say you were shallow if you chose guys from the site solely based on their picture and nothing else.

Personally I think it is hard to know if you are attracted to someone unless you see them in their entirety, in person- how they behave, their body language, their expressions, their outlook etc.

BzNova

If you arent attracted, you just arent.

In the guys defense, maybe it was a bad pic?

scrapalooza

thats not shallow....he doesnt even know u said it....

I'd want to be with someone who found me automatic attracted but loved me for who I am. It takes both.

This is exactly what I am talking about.

scrapalooza

Thanks for all the answers, love all the different opinions.

wolverine66

i think that attraction is something that can spark from interaction. You do have to be attracted to someone for a relationship to thrive, but it doesn't matter if you are physically attracted to a person first and then get to know and like the person that they are or vice versa.

My inclination is to agree with your friend - not that you are shallow - but perhaps you should consider at least going out with someone just to be sure you are still not attracted by night's end.

JG762

No you're shallow... But it's ok.
If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.
So yeah you're shallow but so are the rest of us, there isn't person living who, if given the choice between 2 identical (personality wise) mates wouldn't pick the "prettier" one.

We above all people shouldn't judge others on personal appearance but unfortunately it's part of human nature and we should recognize that fault and attempt to minimize it. I say shoot him a note and see if you're really compatible, you might be pleasantly surprised when you meet me... er ahh him! LoL

UsedToBeHusky

I think maybe your friend was suggesting that once you met, you would discover a chemistry with him that isn't communicated over the website.

I kind of agree with her. Does it make you shallow? I don't necessarily think so. The problem with online dating is that you are judging individuals based on a representation of them. If you do have chemistry that would allow you to see past his appearance and you met in real life, you would realize the chemistry, and appearance would not enter into the equation. Because you are determining his attractiveness based off his internet representation, then you don't get the benefit of personal contact, and that might come off as shallow, but truly, that is just the nature of the beast.

Personally, I think you should give the guy a chance. I mean, aside from the fact that you are judging a representation of him, and not the individual, it is also possible that he just doesn't photograph well.

MikeCrazy

I would say you are both right, and wrong.

Attractions are fickle, meaning they can and do change from time to time. Part of it is your current state of mind, and part is influence from your environment. Getting to know someone can and does change attraction for them. It can help you become more attracted, or less depending on what they are like. That is how she is correct.

Since you don't, or can't have a blissful or relationship with someone without attraction, it goes to show that you are correct in this area. If someone's physical appearance is "ugly" to you, then it could be impossible for some physical attractions to exist.

Summery:
Love, true love, forms from friendship. Friendship is the glue that holds pieces of love together. Without friendship, a relationship is doomed from the start. If you are looking for a fling, then by all means ignore all who could be friends, and don't fit the current fickle attraction point. Sex is not love, and actually has almost no bearing on love (it can be a sign that something is missing though). If sex equaled love, then you could not love children, parents, or other friends and family.

If you are looking for love, real true honest love, and they are not ugly, and just "average" then you could be shorting yourself in such a way that you will never find what you want. Think of it like the highschool minded girl that seeks out the "bad boys" and can't figure out why her relationships always fail.

At some point you have to look inside and really find out what you want. Fling or meaning? Can you have both, yes, but it's rare, just saying. ...and remember why we are even on this site, physical attributes can change.

MizTerry

Honey, looks don't mean squat if they can make you laugh and engage you in some stimulating conversation because we all get old.

rml_16

I am so hurt, I seriously have never thought of myself as shallow.
So I am on a dating site & my friend was looking at profiles with me & I was a good match for someone & I said no pass & she asked why & I said because I am not attracted to him. She then goes on to say that is a stupid reason because we match up so well & that I am just being shallow. She said I should go on a date & that maybe over time I would become attracted to him. WTF???!!! um nooo!
That is called a friend. I have & have had plenty of very good male friends throughout my adult life & no I don't just become attracted to them. I am not looking for love at first sight or anything like that but I do need to be attracted to them.
I just need validation LOL! Am I wrong & she is right? Say it ain't so please.

I don't think you're shallow, but I do think this is a major problem with dating sites.

It's entirely possible that in person you would have a completely different reaction because body language, pheromones, all sorts of subtle little things you can't observe through a photo and a written bio don't show.

But it's important to be attracted to someone and so I don't think it's shallow in general to not date someone you're not attracted to. I'm just saying attraction is about a lot more than a pretty face or nice body.

oregonzoo

Honey, looks don't mean squat if they can make you laugh and engage you in some stimulating conversation because we all get old.

THIS.
However. That's a lot harder to make happen with a random stranger.

LoneWolf_70

dont forget, guys who are "attractive" may be looking at your pic and thinking "uh yeah we match up well, but i just dont see it" and you potentially miss out. Karma.

rml_16

If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.

Hawking gets plenty of action, actually.

UsedToBeHusky

You know... I just imagine this guy with the personality perfectly matching OP's and telling his buddy that he just doesn't find her attractive. LOL!

cosmiqrust

if you aren't attracted to them, you aren't attracted to them. it's your decision in the end and it's really no one's business who you're into but your's (and whoever you date).

BinaryPulsar

I am so hurt, I seriously have never thought of myself as shallow.
So I am on a dating site & my friend was looking at profiles with me & I was a good match for someone & I said no pass & she asked why & I said because I am not attracted to him. She then goes on to say that is a stupid reason because we match up so well & that I am just being shallow. She said I should go on a date & that maybe over time I would become attracted to him. WTF???!!! um nooo!
That is called a friend. I have & have had plenty of very good male friends throughout my adult life & no I don't just become attracted to them. I am not looking for love at first sight or anything like that but I do need to be attracted to them.
I just need validation LOL! Am I wrong & she is right? Say it ain't so please.

I don't think you're shallow, but I do think this is a major problem with dating sites.

It's entirely possible that in person you would have a completely different reaction because body language, pheromones, all sorts of subtle little things you can't observe through a photo and a written bio don't show.

But it's important to be attracted to someone and so I don't think it's shallow in general to not date someone you're not attracted to. I'm just saying attraction is about a lot more than a pretty face or nice body.

I agree.

seltzermint555

Depends on the definition of shallow but if that is hers I would be ok with being shallow

Yeah, pretty much this.

I think that is one situation where it is completely okay to just communicate with guys who you ARE attracted to their photo at least a little bit. Then you can go on to look at their profile details, interests, etc. Why would you limit yourself to guys that you didn't find appealing in the photo at ALL? To me that seems like a waste of time.

Of course there's always that chance that it could be a bad/weird pic and you might actually find the guy attractive (even physically) irl. Who knows. I doubt you have the time or inclination to give a lot of time & energy to every single guy on the dating site with similar stats or whatever.