Shallow--me? seriously?

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  • MikeCrazy
    MikeCrazy Posts: 2,716 Member
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    I would say you are both right, and wrong.

    Attractions are fickle, meaning they can and do change from time to time. Part of it is your current state of mind, and part is influence from your environment. Getting to know someone can and does change attraction for them. It can help you become more attracted, or less depending on what they are like. That is how she is correct.

    Since you don't, or can't have a blissful or relationship with someone without attraction, it goes to show that you are correct in this area. If someone's physical appearance is "ugly" to you, then it could be impossible for some physical attractions to exist.

    Summery:
    Love, true love, forms from friendship. Friendship is the glue that holds pieces of love together. Without friendship, a relationship is doomed from the start. If you are looking for a fling, then by all means ignore all who could be friends, and don't fit the current fickle attraction point. Sex is not love, and actually has almost no bearing on love (it can be a sign that something is missing though). If sex equaled love, then you could not love children, parents, or other friends and family.

    If you are looking for love, real true honest love, and they are not ugly, and just "average" then you could be shorting yourself in such a way that you will never find what you want. Think of it like the highschool minded girl that seeks out the "bad boys" and can't figure out why her relationships always fail.

    At some point you have to look inside and really find out what you want. Fling or meaning? Can you have both, yes, but it's rare, just saying. ...and remember why we are even on this site, physical attributes can change.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    Honey, looks don't mean squat if they can make you laugh and engage you in some stimulating conversation because we all get old.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I am so hurt, I seriously have never thought of myself as shallow.
    So I am on a dating site & my friend was looking at profiles with me & I was a good match for someone & I said no pass & she asked why & I said because I am not attracted to him. She then goes on to say that is a stupid reason because we match up so well & that I am just being shallow. She said I should go on a date & that maybe over time I would become attracted to him. WTF???!!! um nooo!
    That is called a friend. I have & have had plenty of very good male friends throughout my adult life & no I don't just become attracted to them. I am not looking for love at first sight or anything like that but I do need to be attracted to them.
    I just need validation LOL! Am I wrong & she is right? Say it ain't so please.
    I don't think you're shallow, but I do think this is a major problem with dating sites.

    It's entirely possible that in person you would have a completely different reaction because body language, pheromones, all sorts of subtle little things you can't observe through a photo and a written bio don't show.

    But it's important to be attracted to someone and so I don't think it's shallow in general to not date someone you're not attracted to. I'm just saying attraction is about a lot more than a pretty face or nice body.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    Honey, looks don't mean squat if they can make you laugh and engage you in some stimulating conversation because we all get old.

    THIS.
    However. That's a lot harder to make happen with a random stranger.
  • LoneWolf_70
    LoneWolf_70 Posts: 1,151 Member
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    dont forget, guys who are "attractive" may be looking at your pic and thinking "uh yeah we match up well, but i just dont see it" and you potentially miss out. Karma.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.

    Hawking gets plenty of action, actually.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    You know... I just imagine this guy with the personality perfectly matching OP's and telling his buddy that he just doesn't find her attractive. LOL!
  • cosmiqrust
    cosmiqrust Posts: 214 Member
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    if you aren't attracted to them, you aren't attracted to them. it's your decision in the end and it's really no one's business who you're into but your's (and whoever you date).
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I am so hurt, I seriously have never thought of myself as shallow.
    So I am on a dating site & my friend was looking at profiles with me & I was a good match for someone & I said no pass & she asked why & I said because I am not attracted to him. She then goes on to say that is a stupid reason because we match up so well & that I am just being shallow. She said I should go on a date & that maybe over time I would become attracted to him. WTF???!!! um nooo!
    That is called a friend. I have & have had plenty of very good male friends throughout my adult life & no I don't just become attracted to them. I am not looking for love at first sight or anything like that but I do need to be attracted to them.
    I just need validation LOL! Am I wrong & she is right? Say it ain't so please.
    I don't think you're shallow, but I do think this is a major problem with dating sites.

    It's entirely possible that in person you would have a completely different reaction because body language, pheromones, all sorts of subtle little things you can't observe through a photo and a written bio don't show.

    But it's important to be attracted to someone and so I don't think it's shallow in general to not date someone you're not attracted to. I'm just saying attraction is about a lot more than a pretty face or nice body.

    I agree.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    Depends on the definition of shallow but if that is hers I would be ok with being shallow

    Yeah, pretty much this.

    I think that is one situation where it is completely okay to just communicate with guys who you ARE attracted to their photo at least a little bit. Then you can go on to look at their profile details, interests, etc. Why would you limit yourself to guys that you didn't find appealing in the photo at ALL? To me that seems like a waste of time.

    Of course there's always that chance that it could be a bad/weird pic and you might actually find the guy attractive (even physically) irl. Who knows. I doubt you have the time or inclination to give a lot of time & energy to every single guy on the dating site with similar stats or whatever.
  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,276 Member
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    If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.

    Hawking gets plenty of action, actually.
    I always think, "Dang, if he can lick his shoudler like that, imagine what else he can do!"
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.

    Hawking gets plenty of action, actually.
    I always think, "Dang, if he can lick his shoudler like that, imagine what else he can do!"
    Seriously, though! The guy does NOT stay single.
  • vjohn04
    vjohn04 Posts: 2,276 Member
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    I'm shallow. I've done the same thing on match.com. I'm also on Tinder.... which doesn't get much more shallow.

    Nothing wrong with that. it all depends on what your interests are and what's important to you.
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
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    If I would've first seen my current BF on a dating site I probably would've passed on him on height alone, he's a few inches shorter than me. Luckily though, I met him IRL and got to know him and the height thing became a non-issue.

    On a dating site, everything has to be "right". Nicely written profile. I have to find them physically attractive. Common interests. Sense of humor. You get the picture. If even one thing is off, I pass. IRL you can be more flexible.

    TL;DR answer: you're not being shallow.
  • jpads1234
    jpads1234 Posts: 95 Member
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    No reason to settle for something that you don't want. Way to many fish in the sea.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
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    I went on a date with a guy whose looks attracted me. He smelled like tuna. Game over.
  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,276 Member
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    If for instance you're attracted to really intelligent men would Stephen Hawking get your motor running, maybe, but once you saw him you would likely feel different.

    Hawking gets plenty of action, actually.
    I always think, "Dang, if he can lick his shoudler like that, imagine what else he can do!"
    Seriously, though! The guy does NOT stay single.
    Of course. There's a ton of gold digging attention *kitten* in this world.
  • scrapalooza
    scrapalooza Posts: 335 Member
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    I went on a date with a guy whose looks attracted me. He smelled like tuna. Game over.

    bwhahahaha!!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I went on a date with a guy whose looks attracted me. He smelled like tuna. Game over.
    That made me LOL.
  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
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    I think finding someone attractive at a glance and being attracted to them in person are two different things. I have been very attracted to people I wouldn't have immediately found attractive without knowing them. I think you could miss out if you aren't a bit more open minded about what type of person you'll even go out with once.

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