how to deal with sister's body/food comments?
Replies
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aww you are just too sweet. I hope your family and friends tell you that all the time xoxox0
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It's your sister... punch her in the throat and tell her to shutup! That's what I do to my siblings. jk
I was just going to type the same thing.0 -
aww you are just too sweet. I hope your family and friends tell you that all the time xoxox
Aaaw, thank you so much!!!0 -
I can help.
I propose we do something along the lines of Dangerous Liaisons / Cruel Intentions.
you're going to get her in trouble with mom for having a crush on the cello tutor? :huh:
Don't forget the part where he dies at the end. All that trouble to die for a stranger. D_C, you are a giver, I tell you. A giver.0 -
Wow. I feel fortunate that I did not have to grow up with insecure females in my family. That's the only reason that can explain why she acts the way she does and says the things she does.
However, I've been around female friends like that. Fortunately it doesn't happen anymore but it used to when we were younger. I'm almost 40 as well, so I think it's just something that has come with maturity and self-acceptance.
You're a grown woman. Don't let her talk to you that way. There are ways you can let her know that you're bothered without being so aggressive about it. Killing her with kindness and making a joke back, turning things around, are all great things to try.
Good luck.0 -
My parents aren't around for it, and they don't tolerate gossip. If I can speak to them, they insist I must have done something to provoke him.0
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I can also commiserate. My sister has always done this, too. For example, years ago, she told me her boyfriend said we look a lot a like but I'm "thicker." We weighed almost exactly the same amount. Now, I never really believed he said that but even if he did, WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME??
I confronted her about it at some point. She told me to stop being so sensitive - because she has a tendency to call me a cry baby every time I show any emotion. Anyway, after her initially being defensive, she really did get better. So, confronting her was definitely the right thing to do, even if it didn't seem like it right away.
Wow, this all makes my sister sound like an awful person. It's really not true, but this issue bothered me for a long time and I had a lot of resentment because of it. Now that we're past it, we're a lot closer. I think she just didn't really realize what she was saying and that it was offensive until I told her.0 -
My parents aren't around for it, and they don't tolerate gossip. If I can speak to them, they insist I must have done something to provoke him.
hmmm that sounds tough that your parents won't hear you out about it. I think there's a difference between still being young, in high school, and having that happen then being older like me and my sister. Plus it sounds very aggressive. I hope you can find a community here to help you with your goals, I'm sending you a friend request :flowerforyou:0 -
The beauty of family is that sometimes, you can just tell them to shut the hell up. "Do you mind?" works wonders.0
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Lots of great advice here.
I've learned in my own family that setting boundaries is critical or those d*mn people will just walk all over me emotionally. They are my family, so there isn't really a filter. I've learned to let a lot of things my mom says just roll. My sister and I are close (not in proximity, but we get along well), but we are soooo different in the way we communicate. I no longer take offense to things she may say to me because I'm pretty happy with what I've accomplished in my weight loss and fitness level. So maybe try to focus on how confident you are in yourself, realize that she is insecure, and do your best to let her childish comments dissolve on contact. Just my two cents. :flowerforyou:0 -
kill0
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Your sister is insecure. (PERIOD).
Her way of feeling better about herself is putting others down. She can't be happy on her own accomplishments.
Understand that the problem is hers, not yours.0 -
I think family sometimes think they can just talk to you anyway they want. I know I have had to tell my adult son numerous times to don't say anything unless you have something nice to say. Seems to work for a while then it happens again. I think once I lost the weight I did not want people treating me badly and I have begun to say as others have said, that is rude, I'm uncomfortable with that, stop it! , its hurtful.0
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What happens when you visit her? I dont get some peoples lack of manners and common courtesy, family or not.0
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
Some version of this.
I had a friend who was a size 2 and would go on and on about how fat she thought she was. (I was a size 14 at the time). I finally told her one day how much it bothered me, telling her if she thought SHE was fat, she must think I was a beached while. She was genuinely apologetic, saying she didn't think I was fat and was just very critical of herself and never brought it up again. Sometimes the best thing you can do is be straightforward. The issue is obviously hers, and she may not even realize what she's doing.0 -
I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?
^^^^ This
Then tell her to shut the F#$% up.
If you can't be direct with family, who can you be direct with...0 -
"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
This all day long!0 -
It's always hard to speak against family, or speak out to them(in my opinion as well), but sometimes limits must be set. You can't let her run over you in your home. Try to do it unaggressively, but firm and don't back peddle, get it all out in the open! Then say IOne of my biggest challenges in life is speaking up and communicating directly. It is true, I need to just say that I don't want to hear any comments about my (or other people's) bodies. The cooking thing seems harder though. I don't know how to say to her if you don't like it you don't have to eat it without sounding aggressive or mean.
you... Good luck! 0 -
There were times I had to deal with this sort of behavior from my mother, and from a friend of hers.0
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Let it go or tell her to stop. Don't feel stressed over it. I know that's hard to do but your only hurting yourself by being bothered by it. My sister is by different Father and 16yrs younger. I've learned the hard way. I can't be un-happy over the favoritism she was always shown. I just have to accept things like why she was showered with affection and material things. She has started to grow up a little in the last few years finally.
It's not her fault our Mom suffered abuse as a child, that my own Father was an abusive alcoholic, or that she developed epilepsy as a teenager. All these things were factors leading to how different we were raised.
Good luck accepting her for the complainer she has become.0 -
She isn't going to change you need to find a way to deal with it....like a lot of other posters I have a similar situation with a sister and mom (my mother's favorite spectator sport is dieting...at least once a week she will ask me how much a celebrity weighs).
It runs in the family....my grandmother once mentioned she saw one of cousins (we are not a close family...I might have been in a room with this person like 6 times in my life), I asked how she was? Apparently she was trying Weight Watchers and had lost weight, because that's all that matters.
I don't engage, just ignore her and if pushed say, "I am doing my best...." find a mantra that works for you.
Escalating will most likely turn into drama and you might end up with weeks of angry and tearful phone calls from half your family.0 -
I stopped tolerating that kind of behavior from family, and anyone else, a while ago. And it took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to stand up for myself.
My sister and I have gone through periods where we don't speak for years. It seems as if she and I are on this path again. And I can honestly say that my life is better because of that. I don't deal with her negativity. I won't deal with it. Why? Because I don't have to let toxic people into my life.
If my sister (or anyone for that matter) took it upon themselves to browse my closet, or even step foot into my bedroom without my permission, I would remind them who's home they are in and the boundaries that exist within the home.
And I certainly wouldn't try to cater to her needs when it comes to cooking, unless she has some sort of explicit dietary needs. The second anyone comes into my home, and eats the food that I have put effort into preparing for them, and wants to nitpick about it... I would not hesitate to take their plate away from them. I would remind that person that they're in my house and if they don't like my rules, or my food... they shouldn't let the door hit them on the way out.
But... that's just me :happy:0 -
I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?
Lmao, this all day long!0 -
I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?
well, she might be older, but obviously I am much bigger and brawnier so yeah.....I can do this0 -
My sister is amazing but I wonder sometimes if she has body image issues...which she loves to project on me. She is coming to visit me for over 2 weeks, and honestly I get tired of her comments. All the females from my mom's side are little, including me and my sister. She was more athletic growing up, where I was a bit softer. But still, we are small ladies and are within 5 lbs of the same size.
When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.
But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.
There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.
when dealing with people like this the only thing that brings me comfort is one of my favorite Buddhist teachings ....
"how you treat me is your Karma, how I react is mine" :flowerforyou:
unfortunately you can't change her but you can change how much it affects you.
good luck
Ang0 -
Just have her read your post. If she doesn't get the hint don't give her a minute of your time worrying about her rude comments. 100 lbs and she thinks you are not small enough? Good God!0
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
This ^^^^
Or my favourite
"Did you mean to be so rude?"0 -
I have a similar sister, we no longer speak. The better I handled each situation the more venomous she got the next time until the relationship was un-repairable.
Be true to yourself. If you find it mildly irritating and only have to put up with it occasionally it's going to take a much lower level of response than from someone who makes your life a misery on a frequent basis. You are her sister and not her personal verbal punch bag to let off steam at. Don't stand for it. You have choices, you can just walk away from her every time she starts up the nonsense so by the time she's got to the point of tell you your butt is bigger than her's your in a completely different room and out of ear shot. You can be more direct and ask her what on earth made her feel like she could go routing around in your closet. Or you can ask her why she feels the need to check who's butt is bigger? Perhaps suggesting she gets professional help. There really can't be much happening for her in life if commenting on the size of you is the highlight of her time there.
As for the food, I'd wait for her to arrive, take her to the fridge, show her a cleared out shelf, point her in the direction of the local grocers and tell her how you know she struggles with your food so this trip she can shop, cook and feed herself, very sweetly of course!0 -
I have just read every single reply on this and I am so glad everyone has been supportive. I have a daughter who has an unhealthy obsession with her own weight and everyone else's, it has lead to many problems within her personal and work life, I have approached her many times on the subject, as she does project her personal issues onto others. I have been very direct with her and told her that making rude comments to family and friends and making people feel self conscious about their food choices when they are trying to tuck into a lovely cheesecake will continue to alienate her from her peers. This all falls on deaf ears and unfortunately the only way she will watch her tongue is if you give her a good telling off, and even after that she will eventually revert. But she is 28 and I can only hope that she will eventually develop a different mindset in this matter.
Getting back to the OP, I have looked at your pictures and can only see a lovely healthy lady, and if you do have a bit of a butt then that means you are nice and slim and shapely - what is wrong with that? If she makes these critisms against you again tell her to bring enough clothes next time and the food thing goes without saying - get your own if you don't like my cooking. I really think you need to say something to her, you obviously love your sister and you should be looking forward to seeing her, not getting anxious about it.0 -
Kill with kindness. When she says your butt is big, agree with her. Tell her how you've noticed how her butt has stayed perfect, and you're ashamed that your butt won't fit into your favorite pants anymore. Look pathetic and ask for a hug.
When she complains about the rich heavy food, agree with her. Tell her you're clueless in the kitchen, and you've always been envious of her cooking skills, and tomorrow if she doesn't mind, you'd like her help cooking.
Lying is bad, I know
but, aren't you curious what her next move would be? I know I am!
best of luck
LOVE IT!!!!!!! Anthony I'll make sure to keep you posted :devil:
This is the exact wrong approach. Stop cowwing down. I'm not saying to resort to violence but by agreeing to what she says truth or not you are giving her the power. Take the power back.0
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