how to deal with sister's body/food comments?

StrongHealthyPowerful

I also have a hard time being direct at times. If I need to bring up something that is important to me or that is difficult to say, often I lose my words, get flustered, or just cry. I’ve definitely improved quite a bit as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still hard. One thing I’ve found can be helpful is to put all my thoughts into writing, and send a sensitively worded email, that can be followed up with a conversation. That way at least I’m able to communicate all of my talking points before my brain turns to mush and I start blubbering like an idiot. Haha. If you do send an email it’s important to read it back to yourself before you send it, making sure to take into consideration anything that could be misconstrued. This isn’t always the bravest choice, but it has helped me learn to address things. Maybe sending an email to her before the visit even starts?

Lesleycali

I've read through everyone's replies and I thank you for all the ideas and support for speaking up. I really appreciate it! It can be easy to get caught in unhealthy patterns, especially with family, and it's good to step back and see how others view the situation. Thanks again

sbjmorgan

FYI, she sounds like she exhibits a few traits of narcissism/narcissistic personality disorder. There are lots of resources for how to deal with it on the internet. Good luck!

AnthonyThrashD

This is the exact wrong approach. Stop cowwing down. I'm not saying to resort to violence but by agreeing to what she says truth or not you are giving her the power. Take the power back.

-the person with power, is the person with control

Elleinnz

"You're being rude.

Stay out of my closet.

Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."

This ^^^^^

Or as I said to my sister when she tried to criticise me "the right answer is Thank You!!"

ShirleyTonks

I've read a lot of the replies and was wondering if you could ring your sister and ask if she would be ok with helping out with the cooking for her and your other guests considering she is so much better at that than you. Just say that is a concern that you might not be able to do such as good a job as her and if she did it you wouldn't be so concerned. If she doesn't want to then tell her not to comment again.

CynthiasChoice

I know what it's like to not want to confront a family member, especially if you don't see the person often and you're just trying to have a pleasant time together. But YOU'RE not having a pleasant time! If you can rise to the occasion and change the dynamic, both of you may end up happier.

I've learned that the best way to change a relationship is to concentrate on becoming the best person YOU can be. Someone who never seeks to hurt or retaliate. Someone who refuses to feel intimidated. When you change yourself, the relationship automatically changes. The other person has to find new ways to respond to the new you.

Maybe next time she says something hurtful, you could calmly, vulnerably ask "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" Or "Are you trying to make me mad at you?" Or "Do you think you'd be annoyed if someone said that to you?"

When she says insulting things about others you could say, "You know, I'd really like MY house to be a criticism free zone." Make a joke out of it next time she insults someone (or you!) and just smile and say "criticism free zone." or "CFZ!" as if you're playing a game. After you say it ten times, she'll realize what a big problem she has.

And the next time you're cooking, call her to the kitchen, and if possible, separate her food out from the rest and say, "I really want you to be able to eat the way you want to, so here's some steamed beans, raw chicken, lettuce, etc. You can prepare it the way you like it. I know how important it is to you." If she insists that she'll eat the way you cook, and then complains about your preparation methods, you can say, "You can have it your way tomorrow. We'll have fun working in the kitchen together."

Down deep, you both want the other's respect or even admiration. Look for moments to give her plenty of compliments on her figure and strict diet success. Follow that with telling her, "My butt is a little larger than yours, but I'm really OK with that. I've made peace with my butt and it feels good! And besides, there are so many better things to think about than my butt!" Have a good laugh while you set her straight.

But also, find something other than image to compliment her on. It may awaken her to consider deeper things. I hope she comes around and your future visits are happier. With some work, you can help her be a better person, but you have to guard against caring what she thinks about you, and be willing to take a leadership role and set a good example. Easier said than done! If it takes a few years to get it right, so be it. You and your sister have long lives ahead of you - what's a few years of struggle as long as you're making progress?

Now I need to write a script for myself so I can deal with the difficult people in my own life!

suelegal

"You're being rude.

Stay out of my closet.

Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."

Exactly!

She obviously pushes your own body image buttons. Move the buttons so she can't. Easier said than done, but you can.

pelaccioiniraq

you have about 5 million responses and i agree with most of them. i am the rudest person i know and i have 2 friends. my wife adores me and the rest of the world hates me...kind of like gilbert gotfried...my voice is not bad though.

i dont know what your sister looks like, but you are (visually from profile pic) a very GOOD looking woman, no i am not hitting on you but i mean you look good. you look healthy. you look mentally all there. you look like you are a nice person who genuinely cares about people and things. i envy you so much! but anyways, i have similar issues with my older sister. i am a straight married man, 26, shes 4 years older than me, turned 30 this year. shes a brat. but i love her. she makes fat comments to me all the time, and i have been skinny my whole life until i got into an accident and decided to ride it out and not care. back to you, like everyone said, you can confront her and ask to stop, tell your parents even, ignore it, or punch her in the face. just kidding, that would not be cool. my in-laws fell on hard times and moved in with my wife and i, they are very normal middle aged people on a budget with no nevermind to calories. although i am obese i do like the taste of, and desire healthy foods, raw cucumber, carrots, almond milk. i get nothing but negativity from them and it is hard to ignore. my wife says to let it go, i cannot. i have confronted them, been nice, been mean, ignored it. doesnt go away. and i wont return the rudeness by calling them greasy and fat, because i prob weigh more than both of them lol.

i know i did not help in any way and im sorry i more than likely wasted 3 min of you life, but i am sorry your sister naggs you. sympathy from me for sure. best wishes.

Yoshirio

Yeah I would be punching her in the throat and never speaking to her again. That is just so wrong on many levels...

well I guess all you could say is "You are my sister and I love you, but I really do not appreciate your comments and ask that you do not say them again"......my sisters are the same way.....one of them lost her daughter a few years back and grabbed my daughter's arm and said "I wish it was you".....I only found out about this recently........sisters can be harsh.....don't know if I should even say anything to her about that but it sure hurts......good luck

Alluminati

Kill with kindness. When she says your butt is big, agree with her. Tell her how you've noticed how her butt has stayed perfect, and you're ashamed that your butt won't fit into your favorite pants anymore. Look pathetic and ask for a hug.

When she complains about the rich heavy food, agree with her. Tell her you're clueless in the kitchen, and you've always been envious of her cooking skills, and tomorrow if she doesn't mind, you'd like her help cooking.

Lying is bad, I know but, aren't you curious what her next move would be? I know I am!
best of luck

LOVE IT!!!!!!! Anthony I'll make sure to keep you posted :devil:

This is the exact wrong approach. Stop cowwing down. I'm not saying to resort to violence but by agreeing to what she says truth or not you are giving her the power. Take the power back.

To be fair, someone already suggested murder early on in the thread.

BinaryPulsar

FYI, she sounds like she exhibits a few traits of narcissism/narcissistic personality disorder. There are lots of resources for how to deal with it on the internet. Good luck!

Yeah, I agree with this. I like the book, "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss