When MFP pals' diaries reveal problems...

LAT1963

Any thought's on how to make constructive comments on someone's diary when you see them doing something wrong or dangerous?

I don't mean enforcing fat on low-fat dieters, or carbs on low-carb ones. I mean people who consistently eat below 800 calories, or who log about that much normally then boost their total with a 'quick cals' of undefined (and possibly non-existent) content (closet anorexic) ?

I'm worried about someone I follow who is essentially living on bread and water, with an occasional side-order of food. They are hitting their calorie targets but cannot be getting anywhere near the appropriate micronutrients--especially amino acids and essential omega-3's.

How do you approach someone about changing their habits around here in a way that they will actually listen to you?

SonicDeathMonkey80

I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

xxval21xx

I think the best way is to contact that person directly in a private message and find out what his/her goals are and suggest options on how they can achieve them. They wont see it as aggressive and wont feel like your attacking them and saying they are doing it wrong

3laine75

I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

This - though I suggest eating more a couple of times first.

Cranquistador

Did the person ask for your advice?

goneundone

Did the person ask for your advice?

This.

TavistockToad

I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

This - though I suggest eating more a couple of times first.

All of this.

Myhaloslipped

Did the person ask for your advice?

Exactly. You may find yourself in a rather unpleasant situation if you offer unwanted advice to another adult. I do understand your concern, but I really don't think it's your place to say anything about it out of the blue like that.

arewethereyet

Depends.

In my case due to medications I was taking, I was not eating nearly enough food. If not for a good friend here making a comment, I would have just kept going without thought to the detriment of my health.

If you want to make a nasty remark about birthday cake for a celebration, no. If the friend is complaining that they cannot lose weight even though they are 'eating perfectly' a kind reminder that the piece of cake may have been bigger than they think!

Depends on the person

randomtai

Did the person ask for your advice?

The most important question here.

lishie_rebooted

Theyll see that you posted this about them and probably remove you.
Won't be a problem then.

neandermagnon

are you sure that they're logging everything they're eating? When I log my food, I usually can't be bothered to actually log my last meal of the day, because my diary is there to tell me how many calories, protein etc to eat, not to be a public display. So it quite often looks like I'm regularly eating around 1200 cals/day when really I'm eating more like 1800 cals/day when cutting (I don't track at all when bulking or maintaining). It's open to friends in case anyone wants any ideas for meals etc or even just to snoop/pry... I really don't care so long as they're not going to give me a ton of unsolicited advice. I do remind my friends list from time to time that numbers in the diary =/= calories eaten all the time. But I would check that it's not a case of inconsistent logging, not bothering to log final meals, or anything along those lines before either unfriending or saying anything that implies they're starving themselves. And inconsistent logging may not be a deliberate choice... logging food can be a difficult habit to get into, so don't assume that inadequate looking food diaries means someone's starving themselves - maybe they''re forgetting to log stuff. If you do decide to confront this person, first check that they're logging everything the eat.

BinaryPulsar

are you sure that they're logging everything they're eating? When I log my food, I usually can't be bothered to actually log my last meal of the day, because my diary is there to tell me how many calories, protein etc to eat, not to be a public display. So it quite often looks like I'm regularly eating around 1200 cals/day when really I'm eating more like 1800 cals/day when cutting (I don't track at all when bulking or maintaining). It's open to friends in case anyone wants any ideas for meals etc or even just to snoop/pry... I really don't care so long as they're not going to give me a ton of unsolicited advice. I do remind my friends list from time to time that numbers in the diary =/= calories eaten all the time. But I would check that it's not a case of inconsistent logging, not bothering to log final meals, or anything along those lines before either unfriending or saying anything that implies they're starving themselves. And inconsistent logging may not be a deliberate choice... logging food can be a difficult habit to get into, so don't assume that inadequate looking food diaries means someone's starving themselves - maybe they''re forgetting to log stuff. If you do decide to confront this person, first check that they're logging everything the eat.

This.

And also, when I quick add it's real food that I ate.

Faye_Anderson

Theyll see that you posted this about them and probably remove you.
Won't be a problem then.

Agreed! Instead of giving advice privately, that the person can choose to pay attention to, why not write a topic in a public forum ? :noway:

Orfygirl

I don't know but I use the "quick cals" feature quite often when I'm logging in something that isn't in the database. I don't have enough time to sit down and add a food that isn't already entered by someone else. So it is unfair to say that just because they used this feature that they really didn't eat those calories.

I would say that if it bothers you this much that this person is eating 800 calories a day then you may want to unfriend them, unless you know them in real life. Then it is a whole other problem entirely.

AnthonyThrashD

my diary reveals impulsiveness, ritualistic behavior, and two fist fulls of bad choices

LAT1963

my diary reveals impulsiveness, ritualistic behavior, and two fist fulls of bad choices

Sounds entertaining. Can I watch?

BinaryPulsar

But, when I am concerned, I send a thoughful pm. They clear it up for me. If it's a full blown destructive eating disorder with no end in sight, I unfriend.

Lemongrab13

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending out a concerned message for a friend. Don't really agree with the 'Butt out of it' logic. Then when the person's anorexic everyone asks why no one said anything to slap some sense into them before it got too serious :grumble:

However a PM would've solved the issue rather than a public post which she and everyone else will see.:noway:
If they're reaching their calorie goal it's possible they're logging calories but not entering their food.

crys39

my diary reveals impulsiveness, ritualistic behavior, and two fist fulls of bad choices

Sounds entertaining. Can I watch?

^^This. I'd love to see what impulsiveness, ritualistic behavior and 2 fist fulls of bad choices look like. Sounds like something I can get into =D

AllTehBeers

This is the exact reason I don't close my diary.

QuietBloom

Theyll see that you posted this about them and probably remove you.
Won't be a problem then.

^This.

sloth3toes

I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

You'd probably enjoy some of my Oreo binges, then.

_Zardoz_

Did the person ask for your advice?

By having an open diary aren't you asking for comment? Surely if people don't want comments or people to look they just keep it private.

snapdragon1231

But, when I am concerned, I send a thoughful pm. They clear it up for me. If it's a full blown destructive eating disorder with no end in sight, I unfriend.

This but they usually close thier diary or unfriend you first. I think it's reasonable to ask a question.

nutmegoreo

I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

This - though I suggest eating more a couple of times first.

All of this.

This. Through PM.

ETA: Some people have medical reasons for the choices they make. For example bypass surgery patients. I have stopped looking in diaries, and I don't comment or 'like' them. If someone asks for my thoughts, I will look and give feedback. I can be supportive to people in other ways, ways that do not drive my judgmental side crazy. It is not up to you to change their behaviors, if you cannot support it, unfriend.

RamonaFr

Well, for the person on the receiving end it can feel like nagging, or it can feel like someone cares. You can't tell how someone will react. I think, if you're concerned, maybe a gentle comment and see how the person responds. But, something to remember, there's a lot of info on nutrition out there in the ether and usually you'll be telling the person something he/she already knows.

In my own case, I like a little praise for the stuff I'm doing right, rather than nagging on the stuff I'm doing wrong. It's one foot in front of the other and I make gradual progress, but someone pointing out repeatedly what I'm doing wrong doesn't help.

That said, I have one MFP friend who makes a gentle constructive comment now and then, and I don't mind. She's right, and it's something I need to work on.

loveless_me

I think that they wont listen.
But I have a similar problem, but I am the person who eats little, my calorie intake ranges from 800-1200 calories a day. But I am never hungry. I am a vegetarian, I eat 3 meals a day and 2/3 snacks, yet my calorie intake is never high. I'm not starving myself, or depriving myself of nutrients, its just that everything I eat is relatively low in calories. Maybe this person is the same? Send them a message anyway. But don't be accusing unless you want them to take offence

nicailyzee

I personally care but if the person did not ask me I would not say anything because people are already struggling with weight issues and MFP is sometimes the only thing keeping them from breaking. We truly do not know what underlying health issues people struggle with and we usually do not know them personally. This came up on my feed recently with one of my friends and the person who asked the question was deleted. You have choices. Stop looking and if it is hindering your progress delete them. If you are truly concerned (oh say you cannot sleep at night I truly doubt it) and you do it be prepared for the consequences whatever they may be. Good luck!

BrainyBurro

Did the person ask for your advice?

By having an open diary aren't you asking for comment? Surely if people don't want comments or people to look they just keep it private.

i disagree.

i walk around in public without a bag over my head. does that mean that strangers are welcome to come up to me and tell me i'm ugly? :huh:

tmauck4472

I say mind your own.