defeated before ive started

caterpillar2008

so i keep finding myself in this incredibly vicious circle of hating myself and the way i look-deciding to make positive changes and facing it head on-being too disgusted with myself to carry on and embarrassed for even trying.

ive always been up and down with my weight. ive experienced life and how people treat you as a fat person and as a thin person and whether its right or wrong, the differences are huge.

Unfortunately the views associated with being slim/healthy/fit are so much more positive than being overweight.

i suffer from depression and i greatly understand how vital exercise is to your well-being, ive always loved being active. when i have my 'thin' times, i embrace feeling fit, its the best feeling ever, and i get carried away by feeling so wonderful.

over the last couple of years ive gone from just under 9 stone to just under 15 stone and at 5'5" im absolutely miserable.

I know we've all been in that place where we mentally chastise ourselves and right now im finding its the main thing that is keeping me from achieving anything. when ive been healthier and fitter ive been around people who will quite happily voice their opinions of 'fat' people. although i know that these thoughts are completely unjust and cruel, i cant help but hear them ringing through my brain now that i am the weight i am.

people who know me that i havent seen in a while ask me 'what ive done to myself', my weight now is completely associated with being lazy, not caring about myself, having no sense of pride or ambition....the list goes on. i feel like the moment i step out of my front door i am offending peoples eyes and the stigma associated with my size is so negative that just the idea of me trying to take control and become more active is a joke.

i desperately want to join a gym but im my own worst enemy and feel like i need to lose weight just so i can feel comfortable enough to join.

dont worry, im very aware of how irrational and unreasonable all of these thoughts are. all i want is for my outside to reflect the person i am on the inside rather than it be this genuine barrier between me and other people. knowing what it feels like to be overweight and how amazing it feels not to have a single issue with my body, i always consider how people often feel about themselves regardless of weight. i also know how a great deal (not everyone of course) of people who have never struggled with their weight, view those of us that do, and i know that right now, instead of being judged as the person i am inside, im mostly just seen as 'that fat girl'.

i just dont know how to escape from that thought to be able to move passed it and really stick to my positive changes long enough to start seeing a difference before i decide that these people are actually right about me and i should just give up.

logg1e

How are you addressing your depression?

bane0317

First off, change your screen name - it is only going to reinforce your negative thoughts.

Second - you have to find a fitness regimen that works for you. I joined a gym and even though I went on "off" times I still felt like either the biggest or least fit person there. I also wasn't very motivated by just doing treadmill, machines, etc. I tried the eliptical and hurt myself so bad it drove my liver numbers up!

I decided to try Zumba - I have always had fun in a more class style environment. My first few classes I felt completely uncoordinated, but I kept going because I saw people of all shapes, sizes and ages. We have everything from skinny people (who of course think they are fat) to people who are probably close to 300 lbs. We have ages from 13 to 67. All different fitness levels. One lady has been coming for 2 years and has dropped a lot of weight. It is also reassuring that the instructor tells us that when she started she could only do the moves about 1/2 way. She encourages you to work to your level and push to get better. I can see improvements in my fitness and body comp even if the weight isn't extremely different yet. And, no matter how skinny or un-skinny someone is, we all sweat our butts off the same way. We laugh at ourselves, but not each other. We all make mistakes in the moves. But we have fun. I've gone religiously for 3 months now, 2 days a week. It is offered 3 but my work schedule doesn't work for that. No matter how bad I feel going in I feel better when I am done. I never got that at a gym. My overall mood and attitude are better.

Sample different things until you find what works for you now. It may change as you change, but when you find what works, it will make a huge difference.

Keep coming here, find people who are in a similar situation. Work on finding what you like about yourself. I hate my belly but I like my legs. Things like that, even it is that you have cute ears. Anything is better than total self loathing. As I just mentioned to a friend, we all get knocked down, but as long as you get up you are still winning.

ZaCkOX

so i keep finding myself in this incredibly vicious circle of hating myself and the way i look-deciding to make positive changes and facing it head on-being too disgusted with myself to carry on and embarrassed for even trying.

ive always been up and down with my weight. ive experienced life and how people treat you as a fat person and as a thin person and whether its right or wrong, the differences are huge.

Unfortunately the views associated with being slim/healthy/fit are so much more positive than being overweight.

i suffer from depression and i greatly understand how vital exercise is to your well-being, ive always loved being active. when i have my 'thin' times, i embrace feeling fit, its the best feeling ever, and i get carried away by feeling so wonderful.

over the last couple of years ive gone from just under 9 stone to just under 15 stone and at 5'5" im absolutely miserable.

I know we've all been in that place where we mentally chastise ourselves and right now im finding its the main thing that is keeping me from achieving anything. when ive been healthier and fitter ive been around people who will quite happily voice their opinions of 'fat' people. although i know that these thoughts are completely unjust and cruel, i cant help but hear them ringing through my brain now that i am the weight i am.

people who know me that i havent seen in a while ask me 'what ive done to myself', my weight now is completely associated with being lazy, not caring about myself, having no sense of pride or ambition....the list goes on. i feel like the moment i step out of my front door i am offending peoples eyes and the stigma associated with my size is so negative that just the idea of me trying to take control and become more active is a joke.

i desperately want to join a gym but im my own worst enemy and feel like i need to lose weight just so i can feel comfortable enough to join.

dont worry, im very aware of how irrational and unreasonable all of these thoughts are. all i want is for my outside to reflect the person i am on the inside rather than it be this genuine barrier between me and other people. knowing what it feels like to be overweight and how amazing it feels not to have a single issue with my body, i always consider how people often feel about themselves regardless of weight. i also know how a great deal (not everyone of course) of people who have never struggled with their weight, view those of us that do, and i know that right now, instead of being judged as the person i am inside, im mostly just seen as 'that fat girl'.

i just dont know how to escape from that thought to be able to move passed it and really stick to my positive changes long enough to start seeing a difference before i decide that these people are actually right about me and i should just give up.

Admit to yourself, you are not happy. ADMIT IT. Then do something about it. Get mad at yourself for being lazy because you will always be lazy until you change your diet, exercise, and then those 2 things change you.

AllieLosingIt

Take your disgusted with yourself attitude and use it to your advantage. Use it to push yourself to exercise and eat right and as things start to change, your outlook probably will, too. I know mine has a lot.

If you're too embarrassed to let anyone see you trying to get fit, then don't. Workout at home, youtube some videos or walk laps around your house. Work up to more. There's no need to join a gym you're not comfortable using, it'll just be a waste of money.

If you need a supportive MFP friend, feel free to add me.

CupcakeCrusoe

Don't think big picture. Think in little steps. Each pound lost is a pound closer to where you want to be. Each pound lost is 3500 calories more you worked than those people that call you fat.

Changing the way you look means working hard. It's an accomplishment. It's something to be proud of doing. Work toward it, and your self-confidence will improve. Friend me if you'd like, I sent you a request.

Jerseygrrl

First off, change your screen name - it is only going to reinforce your negative thoughts.

^^This. Every time you look at your screen name, it's going to reinforce that. We're not criticizing you for choosing it, just pointing out that you have to speak kindly to yourself if you want those negative voices to get quieter.

Second - you have to find a fitness regimen that works for you.

Sample different things until you find what works for you now. It may change as you change, but when you find what works, it will make a huge difference.

And this. It took me a long time to find what was right for me, and I know other people have had that same experience. Be patient with yourself. Not everyone is content walking on a treadmill, or running hills in the park. There are so many workouts you can do at home, with no equipment, limited space and limited time. Try everything. Don't be afraid to feel awkward or to push the envelope on yourself.

Lastly, if you aren't getting help with your depression, please do. It's a serious thing to deal with and it's too much to do on your own.

You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit. Find someone who will help you to see that.

otter090812

Totally agree with the others about your username - you'd never call anyone else that (I hope!) so please treat yourself with at least as much respect as you'd treat others. :flowerforyou: Also, if the people you hang around with are that mean about 'fat people' I would seriously consider whether they're worth hanging around with!

I was about the same weight as you when I started (a little taller). If you really can't stand the idea of exercising in public, then there's some great videos out there. I started with Leslie Sansone's indoor walking videos on YouTube. She is ridiculously upbeat, and the walking is low impact enough to be a good starting point when you're carrying extra weight. There's also sites like fitnessblender, which have a huge range of exercises that you can search by level, length, type etc.

After a while, Leslie (bless her!) wasn't enough for me, and I really had to bite the bullet and get out there. I tried lots of things and settled on a few. The Zumba class I joined had ladies of all shapes and sizes, and I was made welcome there. I was truly awful at it, but so is everyone when they start. I still sweat 5x as much as everyone else seems to! Besides, it sounds to me as if the harshest critic of you in any room is yourself, so you don't really need to worry about the others do you?

Veil5577

I agree. Change your screen name.

I speak from experience when I say a negative attitude is only going to hold you back. You have to go into this with a positive attitude, and you have to believe in yourself that YOU CAN DO THIS. Self hatred is a separate issue, and you need to address that problem first.

caterpillar2008

Ive been working really hard to get my depression in hand and believe it or not ive come a very long way-admittedly id hit rock bottom and decided enough was enough. since then ive seen the doctor and been attacking it from all sides.

i completely agree as to the kind of people ive been hanging around with, but they havent all always been friends of mine etc. they have been a combination of people ive worked with or come into contact with and always only when ive been thinner-obviously people with that attitude would never be seen with anyone who they would consider to be 'fat'.

at the same time as much as i hate to admit it my parents have a very messed up view when it comes to me and my weight. my mum bless her knows when im at a weight that makes me happy, in turn when im overweight she treats me like im seriously ill and becomes greatly concerned. in addition to that, when i have been at my thinnest ever - roughly 115 pounds, my dad in his own messed up way thought he was complimenting me by telling me how well i was doing and that i was almost nearly slim and to keep going.

i no this isnt a healthy association but it was my ex boyfriend who would call me such degrading names and everytime id start to gain a little self confidence hed shoot me down and tell me i was in denial and didnt have the right to think anything good about myself or that i deserved being treated any other way than disgusting. and so now, to refer to myself as 'fat*****' only seems fitting because im recognising what i am presently. im not saying its right or necessarily a good thing, its just how i feel.

Xxx

kimmywilliams1110

I'm in very similar situation to you. I have had my weight go up and down since I was a teenager and since getting married it unfortunately has just gone up and up and up some more. I know people say exercising and dieting with a buddy is the best way to do it but for me personally I would never want anyone to know my true weight or see me exercise. I look a little funny and run like a kangaroo as my nephew says. I realized my health was in danger and decided to make small changes and small monthly goals. Make small goals for your week whether it be walking a certain amount of a steps a day or stay between a certain amounts of calories and fats in your diet, if you succeed fantastic, if not just push your self the following the week to do a little better. We all slip when dieting and it shouldn't be about dieting... It should be about changing your lifestyle making yourself the best possible you. Do it for you and no one else. If you feel you need a buddy find someone who loves you for you and will encourage your changes.

delongpre

Yeah, Girl~Start by changing that name!

I can relate to so much you've said, and you really helped me because sometimes I feel like I'm being ridiculous by having those feelings. Ridiculous or not, they're legitimate feelings, but I agree with another poster that we should use those feelings to motivate ourselves!

The good part is that it sounds like you've reached your goals in the past, so you know you are capable of doing it. One of the best things I did was get a dog! She HAS to go out every day, and I live in a high-rise, so I can't just open the door and let her wander into the yard. I have to physically get up, get dressed, and take that baby out every day! That helps me to get moving. I don't know if this is an option, but it's really helping me. I also think you articulated your feelings very well, and, a lot of times, that's half the battle. I'm rooting for you!

hanton67

First of all you have taken a big step by joining fitness pal so congratulations! I agree that you need to change your screen name - I object to the word "fat" in the title! ;-)

The negative self talk is a hard one to beat. I don't have a very good internal dialogue myself but it is part of the depression or anxiety circle for me. I have started trying to break the cycle in my head by giving myself a compliment in direct reversal of something negative I think. For example, I glanced in the full length mirror the other day while I was doing my home workout and thought "that is disgusting" but the post it note I had stuck on the mirror reminded me to say "but, hey, you're doing something about it!" It seems a bit silly as I type it here, but I think it is working.

If you are taking medicine for depression, they have a tendency to make you feel hungry, so take a big glass of water with each pill to help that a little. And thank yourself for that when you do it - aloud if necessary.

It doesn't matter what weight I am, I don't have a great self image, but when I look back a pictures of myself when I was unhappy yet closer to my goal weight, I look pretty good! The negative self talk has nothing to do with your physical size. So breaking the cycle of your internal dialogue will change everything.

I also went out a bought a couple of items of clothing that fit me (instead of straining at every seam) at a thrift shop. I'm too cheap to buy anything full price before I convert to my devastatingly beautiful brand new me! But wearing a skirt that doesn't hurt when I do it up helps my self image immensely too. I've been squeezing into my pre weight loss clothes which of course has a nasty effect! And I got myself a haircut - hey that's a few ounces right there!

You are NOT offensive to other people when you walk out the door. Good grief - the people around you who have been asking things like what have you done to yourself are SO rude. Their comments ring of things that have been said to my son who is short for his age and in school they call that bullying.

Hang in there. One step at a time. Take care.

logg1e

Is there a way you could acknowledge your weight and how you feel about it, but in language you would use if it were your friend?

Prilla04

I really hate your user name after reading your post. Change that shizz first thing!!
1) Go to your doctor and get your depression under control!!
2) I don't know you or what you look like but I KNOW you possess beauty. Find it, embrace it. Be your biggest fan! You deserve it!
3) Start with small goals. Don't join the gym. Walk for five minutes today then pat yourself on the back. Repeat and increase.
4) Don't overwhelm yourself with everything that is not the way you want it either with your weight or just life. Small goals. Celebrate every success.
5) WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. (See #2 :happy: )

I can relate to so much of what you are saying so don't think you are alone but please please please don't hate yourself. You are the only person in the world who can understand where you are and why you are there. Give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. Be your biggest cheerleader. Good luck to you!!!!

ZaCkOX

Get real with yourself. Build up your mental state first. Then get mad at your ways and do something about it.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1370611-killing-depression-after-10-years

otter090812

That is so sad, and it makes me angry that people can treat each other that way. But surely you recognise that his treatment of you was wrong, that the names he called you were wrong. And if so, why would you want to continue that treatment of yourself now that you're rid of his negative influence?

You're not a fat b***h. You're a brave person who is taking on their depression; who is much more than a dress size or a number on a scale. Focus on the positives about yourself, and continue to work on the areas that you want to improve.

wgaue

You have taken a big step in the right direction. Joining MFP. Now for the second big step: Change your screen name.The one way to stop the defeated, abusive cycle, is to stop beating yourself up, calling yourself names. I'VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. And it doesn't help. Yes, I'm over weight, and have been called many, many ugly fowl names, been given nasty looks, and had nasty comments made to me. They hurt. There's no denying it. But, the worse name calling, finger pointing, nasty looks came from me. I was doing it to myself. Thank the good Lord above, I had/have a group of good friends (including my doctor), that had a heart to heart talk with me. I understood, that before the cycle I was in could stop, I had to stop myself.

Yes, you are on the right track. It takes a lot of courage to sign up for a site like this. A lot of courage to post what you did. But, you did it.And with a little help from us, and determination on your part (which I know you have), the weight will come off. Not over night, but it will come off. We'll be right here to cheer you on, and answer questions if we can. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

caterpillar2008

I would never ever call or even view another human being the same things i call myself. if anyone were to tell me they feel about themselves the same things that i do, id be in tears and be doing everything i could to help them stop feeling that way.

like i said, i know my way of thinking isnt healthy or positive by any means but i cant help the way i feel about myself. it doesnt mean that i view other people in the same way at all.

my negative defeatist views often put a brake on anything i do before ive started and i need help getting over that hurdle. by the end of every day ive come full circle and go to bed with the 'right, first thing in the morning im gonna...' attitude, and when i wake up, i actually do. however very quickly my over thinking and negative self views become so overwhelming i cant face doing anything, even at home.

i constantly go through cycles of using it all to get angry and start fighting for myself and then falling back into a defeatist hole of disgust.

i hate that i know im just being whiney and feeling sorry for myself, i know some of you will just say to suck it up and get on with it but if it were that easy, i wouldnt be here.

adampierce142

Your worst enemy is yourself, and trying to change this is not easy, especially when you suffer from depression.
I realized that in order to get better i needed to change how i though, my outlook on life, my diet, my exercise level etc. The first thing i did was ask my doctor to refer me to a psychologist, and i've been having weekly sessions with him and they are benefiting me greatly.
Now i don't mean to offend you when i say this but i'm about 12 st 8lbs - and my self image has always been something that i lack confidence about. People say that i am of normal weight etc, but i'm paranoid of my chest and stomach fat - and im trying to change this.
Currently i run about 3.5 miles 4/5 times a week - and eat around 1,800 - 2,000 calories a day! Starting was the hardest part, but because i've forced myself to get up and be active (i dont view 'force' in this sense as being negative), i find it hard to stop, or i feel pretty bad on days i don't run. so i walk the dog and so forth.
Just remember that change is hard - it's not meant to be easy!! Cheesy saying but 'nothing worth having is ever easy' - so get out there and chase your dream to change. Within a few weeks you will see change, be it in weight lost or generally feeling better.
I've also come to realize how beneficial and how paramount exercising and having a healthy diet is for my mental health. I don't want to go back into severe depression again - so i use my mental illness as a motivation for change. You can do this, if i'm on the way to change, then so can you!!!

schulersam

It sounds like you are your own worst enemy. Believe in yourself as a person, with all your good qualities that have nothing to do with the outside, but rather how great you are on the inside. You need to love yourself, then you will want to do something good for your body and mind. Think healthy, not skinny. You may never achieve the ideal weight, but be healthy enough to enjoy your life and do the things you want to do.This is not a diet, or a short term plan. It is how you want to view yourself for the rest of your life. Come on, I know that you are worth it!!

royaldrea

It's a lot easier to do this if you're motivated by love and not hate. Work on accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are - fat, thin, whatever. Your fat does not make you unworthy of love. You have to decide you are worthy of becoming the person you want to be, and once you do it's so much easier.

If you're a *****, it has nothing to do with your weight. Your first step should be changing your name. Practice telling yourself you're a good person and deserve this. Compliment yourself even if you don't want to.

Once you don't loathe yourself so much, you can work on developing the determination to motivate yourself, past your pain and discomfort and everything telling you to give up.

Look around for the sexypants link - it's posted on every single thread on here ever. And read it (if you're not prepared to accept the advice, then save it for when you are). And love yourself! You only have one life and it's too short to be so mean to yourself because of your weight.

delongpre

"but it was my ex boyfriend who would call me such degrading names and everytime id start to gain a little self confidence hed shoot me down and tell me i was in denial and didnt have the right to think anything good about myself or that i deserved being treated any other way than disgusting."


Sounds like you've already lost about 200 pounds of ugly fat by getting away from your ex!

Jerrypeoples

the hardest thing to do but the one thing that will give you the best results is changing your mindset

once you do that youll realize you can stick to it.

i was in a rut for i cant tell you how many years (at least since 30 and im 44 now) then one day it just clicked i needed to change my mind. i didnt ask anyone to encourage me, i didnt wright little stickies reminding me of what i wanted to do. i changed my mind and stuck to it. sure i have had my slip ups and right now 2+ years after starting i am not near what i consider the weight i would rethink things but i am a helluva lot closer to it than i was 2+ years ago

caterpillar2008

i really want to thank all of you for your responses. knowing that im not the only one who does this to themselves is more of a help than you could possibly imagine.

i will keep on with eating right for a start. no matter where my thoughts take me, i can at least manage that much. hopefully feeling that little bit more in control will encourage me to pick up on the activity side of things.

as for changing my name, i will give it some thought, i know what i have now is destructive and that any CBT/doctor/psychologist would tell you that its one of the first things that id need to change. youre right, i wouldnt talk to anyone that way so why do i feel that i deserve to be treated like that?!

believe it or not but my job is actually working with young people helping to improve their confidence and self esteem and im actually bloody good at what i do. i understand (maybe too well) how they feel, that i know what they need to work through it and come out the other side. i wont allow them to say or even think a single negative thing about themselves and only ever reiterate positive reinforcement.

i just wish i could apply the same attitude to myself.

TayJoMama

First lets change you name to something fierce or related to something you really like. Also I agree with others, you've already taken the steps to control your depression and you've signed up for MFP, You're already taking control of your life. You and I know your ex was a tool which is why he's an ex. I have to say at 210 and 5'5, you're not very big, you can easily get this under control as well. Heck you've done it before!! I also agree with finding something you like. This way its less of a chore. Feel free to send a friend request. :drinker:

itsbasschick

you are not your weight. your weight is something about you, but it's far from the only thing about you.

you may have a lovely voice, be very observant, be good with people, like to read, play an instrument, like to help others, paint or draw. you may be kind to animals and those smaller and weaker than yourself, which in my world is more important than what someone weighs. you may have pretty eyes, love watching the sun rise or like watching dumb comedy movies. maybe you have insatiable curiosity, like to take bubble baths or love feeling the wind on your face.

acknowledge things about yourself that aren't about your weight. admit that you have qualities, preferences, abilities. be honest about who you are. it seems you've allowed being overweight to define you, and have turned all your other qualities invisible to yourself. dare to let yourself see the bigger picture of you, but if you have critical family members or friends, you don't need to share your realizations of yourself with them.

perhaps you could find a counselor or therapist, someone who can listen to you with compassion. and maybe over time you could learn to listen to yourself the same way.

Edit - i just read your most recent post (you must have been typing it while i typed the above). why not try doing for yourself what you do for the kids you work with? talk to yourself like one of those hurt children and see where it takes you.

kmradley

Hey! I have fought depression too and while I don't know if my experience of it is anything like yours, I found some really good tools to help:
1) Use Blahtherapy.com . You can talk to other people who care for free, or you can talk to a professional for like $2 a minute, sometimes less. If you go with an open mind, it's almost ALWAYS worth it. It's one click away, and it's not as daunting as seeing a real therapist and you can leave whenever you want to. You can decide "I'm only going in for 15 minutes," or "I'm going in for an hour" beforehand. You are billed instantly and you can do the math ahead of time to figure out what your bill would be.
2) Self-help books/tapes really help me. I used to be religious, but then became an atheist. When I was religious, there was a book called Captivating by Stephanie Elderich that was really good and helped me. When I stopped being religious, Tony Robbins was a really good person to listen to.
3) superbetter.com is another really good website to help build a better you.

Of course, seeing a therapist or psychiatrist can be a fantastic option. There is no shame in going on meds for depression, if that is what you need. You are worthy of the life you've been given, sometimes we don't feel that way because our brains simply don't produce the right things. You absolutely deserve to feel like you are worthy of the life you've been given.

JoeyKoontz

Here's what I did, YMMV.

I got tired of being fat and lazy. Yeah I said it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making excuses and get dedicated and motivated. It really was that which got me going.

I was intimidated too at first but quickly got over it. It's all about commitment. At least it was for me. Good luck.

caterpillar2008

of course i am! i wouldnt be here if i wasnt! Xxx

otter090812

i really want to thank all of you for your responses. knowing that im not the only one who does this to themselves is more of a help than you could possibly imagine.

i will keep on with eating right for a start. no matter where my thoughts take me, i can at least manage that much. hopefully feeling that little bit more in control will encourage me to pick up on the activity side of things.

as for changing my name, i will give it some thought, i know what i have now is destructive and that any CBT/doctor/psychologist would tell you that its one of the first things that id need to change. youre right, i wouldnt talk to anyone that way so why do i feel that i deserve to be treated like that?!

believe it or not but my job is actually working with young people helping to improve their confidence and self esteem and im actually bloody good at what i do. i understand (maybe too well) how they feel, that i know what they need to work through it and come out the other side. i wont allow them to say or even think a single negative thing about themselves and only ever reiterate positive reinforcement.

i just wish i could apply the same attitude to myself.

Love the new name - whether it's a personal obsession with caterpillars or a beautiful reference to the metamorphosis that's to come, it's 100x better.