Time For Us To Face The Truth?

hedean

I am looking for honest opinions here!

The other day I had a guy who is extremely healthy and fit (and whose opinion means a lot to me) say that it bothers him not that I am fat, but that I know how to fix it and choose not to. (Now a little side note- I wouldn't say that I "choose not to be healthy", but rather I have not made it a priority over enjoying myself). He says he doesn't understand how people can knowingly continue eating things that are bad for them and living unhealthy lifestyles. He said "think of how much greater you could be and feel!". And finally the heart-breaking…"yes Hannah, I really think you need to lose weight".

Now let's not get defensive about the comment because I prompted him to tell me the truth about my size. It was a hard pill to swallow at first but then I realized, I am so sick of everyone telling me "oh no, you're fine. Don't worry about it". Although I think there are extremes to both caring too little and caring too much about health, how did it become okay for people like me to live unhealthy? I think I have been too easy on myself, and that I actually believe people who say that I am just fine. I am 18 years old, 5'2", female, and 170 lbs. on the average day. That puts me at 40 lbs overweight, which should not be okay!

So now…thoughts on how we should feel about being overweight? Or even better, if you have something you want to say to me about my weight and the fact that I have been living unhealthy for a couple years, PLEASE say it!! I have found nothing more motivating that the cold, hard truth from that guy the other day. Reality can be shocking.

cdoesthehula

Well, you did ask him.

The truth, which I am sure you can gather from more than a cursory glance at these boards is much more complicated. If it wasn't, the entire weight loss industry would vanish.

People eat because it feels good. It follows that if they feel bad about themselves, they are more likely to overeat.

Most of the time, if you tell someone they look bad because of their weight or that their lifestyle (based on your judgement of their appearance) is wrong, that doesn't help them feel good about themselves.

Obviously what your fit friend said is true. Losing weight is, on the simplest level, burning more calories than you eat. But you need to feel good about yourself, or you will find it very, very difficult. You need to support people and build them up to help them feel good about themselves.

If you're happy to hear that they're overweight, you are in a lucky position and set up for success, if not being 40lb overweight is how you measure a successful life. Other people may not be so lucky.

So be careful not to judge people. Tell people that they're OK. Because generally, they are.

jimmmer

So now…thoughts on how we should feel about being overweight? Or even better, if you have something you want to say to me about my weight and the fact that I have been living unhealthy for a couple years, PLEASE say it!! I have found nothing more motivating that the cold, hard truth from that guy the other day. Reality can be shocking.

Does it stop you achieving things you want to achieve or doing stuff you want to do? Do you have health problems? Are you happy?

Because, honestly, if you are living a full and happy life that is meaningful to you and you're not in-and-out of the doctors every two seconds, does it matter?

If you want to be more capable physically, or are unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror, then it's a different story and you can take some steps to change things.

misstweedy

So now…thoughts on how we should feel about being overweight? Or even better, if you have something you want to say to me about my weight and the fact that I have been living unhealthy for a couple years, PLEASE say it!! I have found nothing more motivating that the cold, hard truth from that guy the other day. Reality can be shocking.

Does it stop you achieving things you want to achieve or doing stuff you want to do? Do you have health problems? Are you happy?

Because, honestly, if you are living a full and happy life that is meaningful to you and you're not in-and-out of the doctors every two seconds, does it matter?

If you want to be more capable physically, or are unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror, then it's a different story and you can take some steps to change things.

+1

I'd also like to add that it's not just a simple equation of overweight = unhealthy or vice versa, only you can judge if your lifestyle is actually unhealthy. Personally, I like to strike a balance between health / fitness-driven choices and enjoying myself. It's a quality of life issue for me.

likitisplit

You see, I don't know what's driving the choices of other people. However, we all have access to mirrors and scales. When I was fat, I was clearly aware of how I looked and felt. My doctor was telling me that I needed to lose weight.

What I didn't have were the tools to do anything with the info. That's what I try to do instead: spread the word on how important it is to be active (way more important than thin). How easy it is to balance your nutrition.

kgeyser

So now…thoughts on how we should feel about being overweight? Or even better, if you have something you want to say to me about my weight and the fact that I have been living unhealthy for a couple years, PLEASE say it!! I have found nothing more motivating that the cold, hard truth from that guy the other day. Reality can be shocking.

Does it stop you achieving things you want to achieve or doing stuff you want to do? Do you have health problems? Are you happy?

Because, honestly, if you are living a full and happy life that is meaningful to you and you're not in-and-out of the doctors every two seconds, does it matter?

If you want to be more capable physically, or are unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror, then it's a different story and you can take some steps to change things.

I agree with this. I also think your friend might be one of those people for whom the pendulum has swung too far in the healthy direction if he is saying that he can't understand why people eat things that are "bad for them" - do people in your social circle generally serve poison at get togethers that would make this comment factual? Or could he have some issues of his own around body image and food that he's projecting onto you? Having a fit body and eating certain foods doesn't necessarily make you healthy anymore than being overweight doesn't necessarily make you unhealthy.

If you want to lose weight, then do it. But it has to be for you, not what someone else thinks, because someone else is always going to have a different ideal of what looks good.

tennisgirl444

I find that those are the types of things naturally skinny people say :-). Weight is about 50-70% genetic- that's not to say we don't have control over it, we do- but I think the experiences people have with their weight control vary dramatically (and therefore, the understanding they have for other people who struggle with their weight).

As far as I can tell, you are doing something about it- you are losing weight according to your tracker, and you're putting thought into your lifestyle and what sorts of things matter to you in life. If the weight loss is slow while you enjoy life occasionally, that's fine- you are young! I guess I'm not sure why he said everything so negatively.

smantha32

I can see this thread dissolving into a lot of butthurt.

jimmmer

I find that those are the types of things naturally skinny people say :-). Weight is about 50-70% genetic- that's not to say we don't have control over it, we do- but I think the experiences people have with their weight control vary dramatically (and therefore, the understanding they have for other people who struggle with their weight).

As far as I can tell, you are doing something about it- you are losing weight according to your tracker, and you're putting thought into your lifestyle and what sorts of things matter to you in life. If the weight loss is slow while you enjoy life occasionally, that's fine- you are young! I guess I'm not sure why he said everything so negatively.

So "naturally skinny" people have no empathy? Only on mfp could this be said without a trace of irony.

knitapeace

I left myself alone about my weight for several years. I had other priorities, right or wrong. When the time was right--and my mind was right--I made the changes without any input or suggestions or "cold hard truth" from anyone other than myself. And I believe that's why it stuck this time.

ninerbuff

Weight is about 50-70% genetic- that's not to say we don't have control over it, we do- but I think the experiences people have with their weight control vary dramatically (and therefore, the understanding they have for other people who struggle with their weight).

Actually shape and height are genetic, weight isn't. Weight is directly a result of how someone supplies calories and nutrients on a daily basis.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Fsunami

Since you asked, my opinion is that you shouldnt look anywhere but inside for validation.

Asking others to tell you what you already probably know is a recipe for unnecessary pain and fractured relationships.

Who gives a **** what someone else thinks? Do they live your life?

Its what you feel inside that drives the choices you make.

Our results are the sum of the choices we make, whether good, bad or indifferent.

Someone else's opinion of how I should feel about being overweight is bull****, because in the final anaysis, it means nothing.

Thanks for asking...

Fsunami

BigLifter10

Everyone has an opinion, that is a fact. What I would like you to consider is simply this: You are 18 yrs old. If you are 40 # overweight now, you may or may not ever lose that. What frequently happens is that people start out just fine at that age, but as time goes on, it will eventually take a toll. If you were to visit your future 40 year old and 70 year old self, would you be glad you started out overweight? Or would you want to be at your best so you give yourself the best possibilities of health for your future? Of course anything can happen in life, illnesses can arrive early, accidents happen, all sorts of things, but I believe in being kind to yourself and consider yourself fortunate that we live in a time and place where you have the option to change things for yourself. Or not. But the choice is all you.

MinnieInMaine

So "naturally skinny" people have no empathy? Only on mfp could this be said without a trace of irony.

Not to be the grammar police but I think the word you're looking for is sympathy. Empathy require having been through a similar situation. If someone has never been overweight/obese, they can't truly know what that's like. And I only point this out because I was wondering the same thing about the OP's friend. My best friend is a weight loss consultant and personal trainer. She has clients who are severely obese and honestly cannot relate to them because she's only ever been slightly overweight in her life. She cares and has sympathy for them but cannot empathize with their situation and therefore has a tough time giving them guidance when they truly struggle.

Now back to the OP...I kind of agree with this guy. While I don't agree that you have to avoid foods that are "bad" (whatever that means), I do agree that most people choose to stay where they're at instead of choosing to make a change. While we don't consciously say "I want to be overweight/obese and unfit", we do say "I don't have time" or "I'm big boned" or "I don't like exercise" or "I like food too much". All of these are lame excuses. There are always alternatives and if you want it badly enough, you find a way to adapt.

Look, I was obese for the first 18 years of my adult life. I had all those excuses and more.. Most of the people in my family are overweight/obese, it must be genetic. I eat pretty healthy, I don't know why I can't lose weight (all the while making bad choices and eating WAY too much). Then I finally realized that was all BS and started making changes. I'm not saying it's easy but it's possible.

jimmmer

So "naturally skinny" people have no empathy? Only on mfp could this be said without a trace of irony.

Not to be the grammar police but I think the word you're looking for is sympathy. Empathy require having been through a similar situation. If someone has never been overweight/obese, they can't truly know what that's like. And I only point this out because I was wondering the same thing about the OP's friend. My best friend is a weight loss consultant and personal trainer. She has clients who are severely obese and honestly cannot relate to them because she's only ever been slightly overweight in her life. She cares and has sympathy for them but cannot empathize with their situation and therefore has a tough time giving them guidance when they truly struggle.

No, I meant empathy. That's why I said it.

Sympathy can have overtones of pity. I don't really like it.

Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone's shoes. It's the way fiction works, btw.

likitisplit

I find that those are the types of things naturally skinny people say :-). Weight is about 50-70% genetic- that's not to say we don't have control over it, we do- but I think the experiences people have with their weight control vary dramatically (and therefore, the understanding they have for other people who struggle with their weight).

As far as I can tell, you are doing something about it- you are losing weight according to your tracker, and you're putting thought into your lifestyle and what sorts of things matter to you in life. If the weight loss is slow while you enjoy life occasionally, that's fine- you are young! I guess I'm not sure why he said everything so negatively.

So "naturally skinny" people have no empathy? Only on mfp could this be said without a trace of irony.

Joined July 2014. So she hasn't realized how much success any number of "always been fat" folks have had once they give up on the genetics argument.

likitisplit

I left myself alone about my weight for several years. I had other priorities, right or wrong. When the time was right--and my mind was right--I made the changes without any input or suggestions or "cold hard truth" from anyone other than myself. And I believe that's why it stuck this time.

Yup.

RavenLibra

We are Romans... all of us (most of us) playing Nero... fiddling while Rome burns... Never in the course of History has our civilization developed technology that allows us to be as lazy and slothful... we have even made it possible to be "social" without ever leaving the Sofa.. or even our bedrooms... Food can be delivered... work can be conducted from a chair... "play" no longer involves exercise... HOW do we NOT succumb to overweight.. to Obesity... BUT to be certaini t is our own personal choices... along with a combination of nature and nurture.. that leads to being overqweight... and in some cases just plain old neglect...

In my case... a slow steady march... I was 180 lbs when I married... and over the course of the last 15 years... packed on 3-4 lbs/year... some years less some years more... until I looked in the mirror and.. with a sigh... asked myself.. WHAT have I done to myself? HOW did I let this happen... and that was the answer unto its self... I "LET IT HAPPEN"... DAY BY DAY.. YEAR BY YEAR...

rml_16

5'2", female, and 170 lbs.

It seems to me that if I were that height and weight (and I am close) that I wouldn't need someone else to tell me I needed to lose weight. I already know that.

Was this what you needed to be pulled out of your denial? I'm confused why you even asked the question.

As for me, I've been working very hard to lose weight. I exercise, track calories and eat extremely healthy and for five years have only gained weight. Nice to know I'm being judged by strangers, though.

hedean

Thank you all very much! These comments, which have gone in both directions, do help!:happy:

Here's what I have gathered so far: I should be doing this only for me, therefore what matters is MY opinion and how I feel. Being overweight is something that I should change, but not because someone else is making me feel like I am a worse person for it, which really does hurt because you can't change it overnight.

To the girl who asked if I needed that guy to pull me out of denial, yes I did. Sorry I didn't explain that clearly but that is what I was trying to convey when I was talking about how I started believing those people who told me I look fine. I am not at my best, but I am fairly healthy and some days I just love being who I am. The majority of days I do want to be a combination of thin and healthy, but there's something nice about those days where I am worry-free and not beating myself up over needing to wear bigger sizes.

opus649

I wouldn't say that I "choose not to be healthy", but rather I have not made it a priority over enjoying myself

What do you think "choice" means?

hedean

I wouldn't say that I "choose not to be healthy", but rather I have not made it a priority over enjoying myself

What do you think "choice" means?

Okay, thank you for the honesty, since that is what this thread is about. What I specifically meant there was that I was choosing to be more relaxed and have fun, because saying that I choose to be unhealthy seems a little different. I eat lots of healthy foods and I never eat truly terrible things for your body. But I guess all in all, yes it is a choice, and yes I have chosen to not make the change.

rml_16

there's something nice about those days where I am worry-free and not beating myself up over needing to wear bigger sizes.

You should never do that. It's counterproductive. You can recognize that you need to lose weight (or want to) without defining yourself by it.

Bobble11

Have to say, hedean, that if that's you in your profile pic, you look great! I wish I could wear shorts like that but I'm a pear body shape so all my wobbly bits occur on my legs.

hedean

[/quote]

Does it stop you achieving things you want to achieve or doing stuff you want to do? Do you have health problems? Are you happy?

Because, honestly, if you are living a full and happy life that is meaningful to you and you're not in-and-out of the doctors every two seconds, does it matter?

If you want to be more capable physically, or are unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror, then it's a different story and you can take some steps to change things.
[/quote]

Thank you for putting that in words so well. This is the real question I have been trying to get to! I do live a full and happy life, but lately I have been really stuck on the "does it matter?" That is what I need help figuring out. Most days I say no, but with 40 lbs. to lose, maybe it should be yes?

hedean

Have to say, hedean, that if that's you in your profile pic, you look great! I wish I could wear shorts like that but I'm a pear body shape so all my wobbly bits occur on my legs.

Aw thank you so very much! That really makes my day, and it's only morning

Llamapants86

Does it stop you achieving things you want to achieve or doing stuff you want to do? Do you have health problems? Are you happy?

Because, honestly, if you are living a full and happy life that is meaningful to you and you're not in-and-out of the doctors every two seconds, does it matter?

If you want to be more capable physically, or are unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror, then it's a different story and you can take some steps to change things.

Thank you for putting that in words so well. This is the real question I have been trying to get to! I do live a full and happy life, but lately I have been really stuck on the "does it matter?" That is what I need help figuring out. Most days I say no, but with 40 lbs. to lose, maybe it should be yes?
[/quote]

The thing that worked for me was finding out that I could still enjoy my life, I can have fun, be fit, lose my weight all at the same time. It didn't have to be all of my life devoted to spending time grinding away on a cardio machine and eating lettuce. Although now I find myself spending too much time on MFP but it's enjoyable to me.

mwcontois

Hi Hannah,

I agree with most of what others have said on this thread. One thing I would add is that you are young and you just need to commit to the lifestyle change that will lead to a physically healthier body, which in turn will help you in your mental well being. The younger you are and can get into that lifestyle, probably the better. It's like someone who has been smoking 40 years and then the doc says it is time to quit or else...it'll be a struggle.

I worked doing landscaping up until I was almost 30...could never gain weight and was always underweight. Then I went to college and got a desk job. Now I am 60 pounds overweight. I'm also 52 years old...much makes it more difficult to get out of eating and exercise habits that were of a negative consequence. Not only is my health at risk, but my LIFE. I had a colleague, just a few years older than me, die on a treadmill in a hotel gym recently. It puts things in perspective. Maybe if he didn't wait so long to get fit his body would have tolerated the exercise better.

Just realize the person saying he doesn't understand why people keep eating things when they know they aren't good for them doesn't understand how lifestyle choices are sometimes impacted by underlying issues...maybe addiction...maybe coping mechanisms...maybe a whole host of things that are on an emotional or mental level that differs for every individual. He's not considering the whole picture, just how he interprets the situation for his personal case.

AliceDark

So "naturally skinny" people have no empathy? Only on mfp could this be said without a trace of irony.

Not to be the grammar police but I think the word you're looking for is sympathy. Empathy require having been through a similar situation. If someone has never been overweight/obese, they can't truly know what that's like. And I only point this out because I was wondering the same thing about the OP's friend. My best friend is a weight loss consultant and personal trainer. She has clients who are severely obese and honestly cannot relate to them because she's only ever been slightly overweight in her life. She cares and has sympathy for them but cannot empathize with their situation and therefore has a tough time giving them guidance when they truly struggle.

Many "naturally skinny" people know very well what it feels like to feel judged based on their size, to not feel entirely in control of their body, or to have body-related or fitness-related goals that they struggle to achieve. Don't assume that just because someone looks different on the outside, that they can't empathize with what someone else is going through.

opus649

But I guess all in all, yes it is a choice, and yes I have chosen to not make the change.

Right on.

I would like to say that I don't think either choice is inherently "wrong" or "bad." There can be negative health impacts of certain choices. But it's your life and your health. It's really nobody's business.

That said, I've never heard of anyone who succeeded at getting fit saying, "you know what... I just feel happier when I'm out of shape and overweight!"

Either way, best of luck.

LAT1963

asking others how you should feel about something? o.O? Really?