Marriage issues

SarahRuthRuns

After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.

Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...

Therapy is overrated. You get in a room and talk trash about each other. When has that ever helped? Check out Mort Fertel.

Therapy can help, but it doesn't work for everyone. People need to find the solutions that work for them, there is no one way that works for everyone. And it's not talking trash, it's talking through problems and finding solutions.

hbrittingham

I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.

I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?

Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....

Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.

Therapy isn't about losing your privacy. It's about learning how to communicate and grow together. You both married young and you both have grown up during those 15 years you have been married. A lot of couples take each other for granted, because they honestly don't know any other way. My husband and I have been married for over 22 years, together 24 years. We almost split up a bit over 2 years ago because I was feeling a LOT of the same things you are. I was NEVER first in his life. His friends, his family and even MY family came before me. He just took me for granted and assumed I'd always be there.

We did several months of marriage counseling. The things he couldn't hear when I said them, he could hear when the counselor said them and finally, a light bulb came on when he realized how badly he had treated me and that it almost cost him our marriage.

Now we communicate much better and we always put each other first. We have a long, deep history together, and I couldn't imagine losing that, but 2 years ago, I didn't think I could have ever been happy with him again. I was wrong. We are more happily married now than we ever were.

SarahRuthRuns

We are more happily married now than we ever were.

This is important. Struggles couples go through actually bring them closer. My husband and I are much happier now than ever in the past. So many people just give up and they don't realize what they could be missing had they worked it out. It's worth it.

horndave

After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.

Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...

You have no idea what thearpy can do for you. Best thing that happened for my marriage. I would assume that comment about your sick mind is more related to you only know what you know. If you totally disregard an option that works, really how bad do want to be happier. What other options that can help you are you disregarding cause they make uncomfortable?

Ump78

I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never.

I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority. You should probably get a consult with a divorce lawyer... not necessarily to get a divorce (that's big decision), but just to know how to start protecting yourself.... because if you think you are not a priority now, just wait and see what happens when he thinks you want his money...

Don't let this keep you from living your life (whether you stay or not)... use it as motivation to be the best you can be. His biggest risk is that if he continues to take you for granted, he is setting you up to be swept away by someone who won't.

and this is reciprocal. I was in the situation role-reversal. My wife only needed me when she needed something. Zero intimacy (not sex. INTIMACY) I felt no desire or no hunger from her. She was content sleeoing in separate bedrooms and never ever touching. Yet, she was a social butterfly and everyone adored her. She nurtured her needs elsewhere. Sounds alot like what you husband may be doing. I'd beg her....please hold me. Please kiss me. To none effect. Zero. I gave and gave and gave. 21 years I gave of myself for the sake of my children. When you reach your breaking point, you'll know. The fact that you're venting here (safe, anonymous, etc) is a good thing. You haven't given up yet. My suggestion? Kill him with love and affection. Make everyone else in his life pale in comparison. At work he's a champion. Make him a champion at home. And keep your expectations low. It took 15 years to get to where you are today. It won't fix itself in a week.

SeptemberLondon

The key to a successful marriage is for both partners to make each other their TOP priority (over the children, job, whatever)..... if you dont have that as the basis for the marriage then none of the other things in the marriage can be successful.

I couldn't agree more! My kids will grow up and move on and start their own families. If they are my entire life, where will I be after they've moved on?

Cindy, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can relate much more than you know and much more than I'd like to discuss on this board. Suffice to say that I've been almost exactly where you are. It took time and courage, but I found myself again and I'm happier than I've ever been. If you'd like to talk more in depth, feel free to send me a message. I'd be happy to share my experience.