Relationship Advice

feetmayfail

Okay - I normally don't do this (don't we all say that?) but thought I'd bug the interwebz to get some opinions.

I am in married to a guy that I have been with for 6 years. I have a son (7) and he has two boys from a previous marriage. No kids together.

We have had issues pretty consistently through the entire 6 years. I have NEVER been unfaithful to him. He has cheated and lied to me on numerous occasions. I'm not perfect but I haven't purposely screwed him over in any kind of way. He doesn't trust me AT ALL. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him, lying about where i am, I need to text him/call him constantly and respond to his calls/texts within minutes or face a verbal assault/accusations/questioning. I got my hair cut shorter than normal and heard him b*tch about it for months. He has demanded I don't cut my hair short again. I can't wear skirts or heels to work, etc.

Obviously, this has been an issue for awhile but the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me he was going to a nearby town to help a friend with a car issue. I am a trusting (sometimes stupid, obviously) person and didn't think much of it. I was able to tell by his gmail account that he was not at that small town - he went over to the big city near us to buy illegal substances, go to a slutty sports bar and end the night with a strip club.

I have been thinking about leaving. I have been looking at apartments and found one that is a good price and close to my sons school.

I believe in marriage - I know not everyone does. We have been going to counseling for a couple of months. He says he is sorry about the lies and everything he has done, but here we are 6 years later with the same BS?

I don't really know what I expect anyone to say about all this. I know it's ridiculous. Thanks for letting me rant.

Know one in my family/circle of friends is aware of this situation - thus, I am pouring it all out online.

Joannah700

From your description, it sounds as if some verbal abuse may be occurring. Question - do you want your son to see this and become like his stepdad when he grows up?

It sounds like you know what to do, it's just hard.

You have friends and family, they will support you whatever you decide.

sunglasses_and_ocean_waves

Get away from this loser.

JeriAnne84

From past experience I have learned when they accuse you of cheating and are super supicious of you, they are usually the ones cheating. They figure its so easy for them to do it, you could be doing it too.

I believe in marriage. I've never been married, but I grew up with my parents that taught me the only reasons you get divorced is because of infidelity or abuse, the rest you work on. Cheating is a big BIG no no in my book.

If I were in your situation, his @$$ would have been gone the first time he cheated on me. If you are this unhappy and he continues to lie to you and not respect you, you would be a lot better getting rid of him.

notnikkisixx

I think the answer is clear (and you know it) LEAVE.

j4nash

Sounds like a control freak. run.

tiptoethruthetulips

Classic cheater reaction, they tend to suspect everyone else of doing the same thing. From the history you have with him that you have posted, I doubt he is going to change for the better any time.

You and your child deserve so much more than this.

dakotababy

This sounds like an abusive relationship. Controlling, accusing you of cheating (probably because he is doing it himself, which is a very common red flag, BTW), cheating on you. If he does not take the marriage seriously - why should you suffer and try to make it work?

Leave. ASAP. Get a few of your supports together and get out. Consider your son and how horrible it would be for him to grow up in such a dysfunctional home. It is time to accept that 6 years, he has not changed and will likely never change. I understand as someone who also values marriage, but if my husband did not put much effort into it - why would I?

It sounds like at least you tried. Which before divorce, is all I would expect. Now a days people just get divorced as a novelty. Good for you for putting the effort but it is time to **** or get off the pot.

bd0027

Leave.

seltzermint555

I hate that you don't have anyone in your "real life" to talk to this about. BUT I am glad that you sound strong enough to get the eff out of there. Which as you know is what you "should" do. Marriage isn't to be taken lightly, I would agree...but please remember that your situation is not a normal healthy functional marriage, and it sounds like you have given it enough chances already.

I think looking 5 or 10 years down the road you can choose to be still stuck in a terrible situation...sighing with relief that you got out now, while your son's still young and you are still psychologically sound...or running from this guy in a way worse situation. You get to choose your own adventure in this life but I'd choose to get out now.

Adc7225

This is the only relationship advice that I ever give.

When YOU are ready to change this YOU will change it.

Meaning, allow yourself the freedom to know that with whatever is going on it just may not be the time for you to make a change but realize that change will come.

Hang in there!

_SantaClause

Leave.

Marggiee

Yeah leave.

futurestarz

This sounds like a completely horrible relationship, and a horrible role model for your son.

I sincerely hope that you leave him for your own sake, and the sake of your son.

Alatariel75

I'm not usually one to do the "just break up" thing on relationship posts, but this sounds completely toxic. I can't imagine how councelling would fix this, unless he got a complete personality transplant.

I think you've already made the decision. Be strong, follow through, and seek support from those who care about you.

ladymiseryali

Um, there's believing in marriage and then there's having respect for yourself. Your "husband" doesn't respect you. If he did, he wouldn't be cheating on you and he wouldn't be abusing you in this manner. Really, do you want your son to grow up and think that his step-daddy's behavior is how a normal man should behave? Please get out. Staying together because of a ring and a license is BS.

cherrilovee

Honestly, what it all comes down to is YOUR happiness. Don't let anyone tell you "Don't leave him because you have children together." If you guys are able to work out all of your problems & him stopping all forms of being unfaithful & not loyal to you, then so be it. But by all means, it's about YOU. Your child will be happy as long as you are happy. Six years is a long while to spend being hurt, but imagine if you keep this going another few years & you have to regret 10 whole years of your life. Do whatever makes you happy sweetheart! We're always here for you; Whatever you need, even if it's just to vent, we're here.

SonicDeathMonkey80

Just stay together

Wookinpanub

I would endure the short term pain of a divorce to get a fresh start. All 3 of my sisters have gone thru divorce - some ugly divorces but years later they are very happy and better off.

emdeesea

Honestly, I can't help but wonder why some people get married in the first place. He sounds awful. Was he always like this?

Yeah, his behavior towards you indicates that there's probably a lot going on in his world that he's not being completely honest with you about. That's typical guilt projection behavior.

I'd say cut your losses now. You've already wasted six years of your life with him. Why waste more?

cranshinibon

if he can't be honest about buying drugs and hanging out with his friends at a sports bar (I assume it was a hooters / tilted kilt type place) then he's an idiot.

plus I think if he's asking you to call / text him etc it could mean he's still cheating on you. Most of the type paranoia stems from internal insecurities and guilt. How can he so controlling of you when he's been able to do whatever he wants, and you have to consistently deal with his eff ups.

Leave the guy, he obviously isn't fit to be in a relationship with anyone.