Relationship Advice

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

I never say this, but just break up. I'm sorry, but from your description, this is not the things you want your son to see and think is acceptable behavior when he grows up. I get that you value marriage, but in this scenario, you are going to have to value yourself and your son more. This is not healthy. It is toxic. I know. I've been there. Left that. I am much stronger and happier for having done so.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

Thank you so much for the replies. I expected some "troll" posts or people calling BS. I read the foums frequently and feel like I know some of you guys, though I don't contribue or post much. My main goal of being here is for weight loss but felt like it's a great platform to just lay it all out there. I sincerely appreciate everyone weighing in and letting me know I'm NOT crazy.... this is truly ridiculous.

As one poster said, you're right. He does blame me. I am the problem. If I just LISTENED to him and did what he asks, we wouldn't ever aruge.

As a follow up to this story, yesterday was his birthday. I got nothing for my birthday but I was still nice and did some stuff for his day. We didn't do what he wanted sexually so of course, he threw a man tantrum about it. He was yelling, hitting furniture, waving his arms around in a threatening way, popping his knuckles.... He told me to get my son and get out because he didn't want to do anything stupid and hurt me. I started packing a bag and his mood changed. This lasted about two hours (the ranting and raving, not letting me sleep). Called me numerous names.

Then he had the nerve to wake up this morning and ask me for sex again. Of course, I wasn't feeling it. He woke up at 6:00 am, turned the lights on in our room, yelled and berated me and told me he just wanted to have sex. I don't listen to him. This has proven to be incorrect - even if we are having sex on a regular basis (his preferred regular basis would be multiple times a day, EVERYDAY) he still accuses me of being unfaithful or brings up some other dumb topic to argue about.

I guess I should thank him for making it easy for me. Of course now, he is texing me relentlessly while I am at work asing "Can we just please stop?" and "I'm sorry" etc etc.

Thank you guys again. Like you said, I know what I need to do. It's just hard.

not always, but in many cases, the hitting you and your son comes shortly after hitting the furniture... seriously, get out. If not for you, then for your son.

rachelrb85

He has cheated and lied to me on numerous occasions.

I need to text him/call him constantly and respond to his calls/texts within minutes or face a verbal assault/accusations/questioning.

He has demanded I don't cut my hair short again. I can't wear skirts or heels to work, etc.

Please leave. Like, yesterday. For your and your son's sake. Get that apartment. Your son deserves a healthy environment to grow up in. Tell your family everything so you have a support system. I really wish you the best of luck.

jasonmh630

I think the answer is clear (and you know it) LEAVE.

This. ^^^
I have never been married or been in this type of situation. BUT, I have grown up around a father that is the poster child for what "good man" should be. I can safely say that his habits have rubbed off on me. So, unless you want your son to grow up thinking that it's ok to verbally abuse women, then I'd say GET OUT.

JustAnotherGirlSuzanne

I believe in marriage too, but this isn't marriage. This is you being abused and him being unfaithful to you. Do what is best for you and your son.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

What a great relationship to bring your child into.

WTH. Is this even real? Please tell me you're a troll. You REALLY need advice on what to do about a guy who has cheated and lied "numerous times" and treats you like a criminal and prisoner?

I bet you are a 50 Shades of Grey fan, right?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ASSUME for OP's sake, he was NOT like this 6 years ago. If he is anything like my ex, he was more like Prince Charming before they got married and a flip switched after.

TavistockToad

I believe in marriage - I know not everyone does. We have been going to counseling for a couple of months. He says he is sorry about the lies and everything he has done, but here we are 6 years later with the same BS?

theres your answer... you believe in marriage, your husband does not.

BigT555

i was going to quote all the red flags in your post but then i realized it'd take too long.

you could stay together, but you have alot of work to do in regards to your relationship. i suggest laying it all out for him regardless of your decision

or you could break up. but this too is a ton of work. your call

lillyrose2020

What an awful man, I am sorry you are going through this. Your posts prove that you have the strength to walk away, you just need to find a place to escape to where you are safe and looked after by family or friends. It will be harder to leave without any support, and given his temper it may put you at ease to not be alone.
Only you can change your life for the better, imagine how much better your life will be once this is all over.
Best of luck to you and stay strong

Galatea_Stone

Get the **** out now. You made a huge mistake marrying this person. He has no business being a husband and father.

I really hope he doesn't have full custody of his two children, but given the description you've presented, no judge in his right mind would allow that unless the birth mother is deceased. I feel really badly for them. This type of relationship is extremely detrimental to children, and if you don't get out, you'll regret it because your son will suffer the consequences.

Tell your family. You need back-up.

msf74

Thank you guys again. Like you said, I know what I need to do. It's just hard.

It is hard as you have a lot of forces keeping you in place. Social pressure to make the marriage work, the fact you have a have a child together, presumably you have joint finances so how would you cope financially by yourself?

Fear of the unknown cripples even mentally strong people let alone people who have had their self esteem systematically eroded over many years by their partners. Saying "Leave" is a great platitude but pretty worthless unless it is backed by some solid strategy on how you can leave a bad relationship.

I doubt you will get sound advice of that nature here. Contact a woman's shelter or charity and get some solid ideas on how to exit this relationship safely.

Best of luck.

LuckyMe000

Everyone will say "if I were in your situation I would do this..." in all honesty no one knows what they would do until they are put in that situation and then their answer may change.....several things to look at....

1. Is this negatively affecting the kids?

2. Do I really want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.

3. Can I live with him cheating on me this much? ( if it was one time then I would say if you loved him enough to make it work then try to work it out but you said numerous) If he truly loved you he would have seen how bad it hurt you the first time and wouldn't want to put you through that again.

4. Just know there is someone out there that will love you and treat you the way to deserve to be treated. Though you may go through some tough times and yes it will hurt....I bet it would all be worth it in the end.

PMA140

OP, it sounds like you have finally had enough and you are ready to leave. You mentioned that your family doesn't know. They can help you. Talk to them. You know by now that he isn't going to change.
I believe in marriage too. I understand what you mean. But your son is the most important and it's your responsibility to make sure he is safe and happy and loved.

Its probably hard and maybe a little embarrassing to ask for help, but the good people in your life that love you will help you through this so go to them now and let them help you.


You can do it!

Good Luck :flowerforyou:

michellemybelll

Get away from this loser.

QFT.

he sounds like my ex-boyfriend. that was a nightmare.

WickedPineapple

Thank you so much for the replies. I expected some "troll" posts or people calling BS. I read the foums frequently and feel like I know some of you guys, though I don't contribue or post much. My main goal of being here is for weight loss but felt like it's a great platform to just lay it all out there. I sincerely appreciate everyone weighing in and letting me know I'm NOT crazy.... this is truly ridiculous.

As one poster said, you're right. He does blame me. I am the problem. If I just LISTENED to him and did what he asks, we wouldn't ever aruge.

As a follow up to this story, yesterday was his birthday. I got nothing for my birthday but I was still nice and did some stuff for his day. We didn't do what he wanted sexually so of course, he threw a man tantrum about it. He was yelling, hitting furniture, waving his arms around in a threatening way, popping his knuckles.... He told me to get my son and get out because he didn't want to do anything stupid and hurt me. I started packing a bag and his mood changed. This lasted about two hours (the ranting and raving, not letting me sleep). Called me numerous names.

Then he had the nerve to wake up this morning and ask me for sex again. Of course, I wasn't feeling it. He woke up at 6:00 am, turned the lights on in our room, yelled and berated me and told me he just wanted to have sex. I don't listen to him. This has proven to be incorrect - even if we are having sex on a regular basis (his preferred regular basis would be multiple times a day, EVERYDAY) he still accuses me of being unfaithful or brings up some other dumb topic to argue about.

I guess I should thank him for making it easy for me. Of course now, he is texing me relentlessly while I am at work asing "Can we just please stop?" and "I'm sorry" etc etc.

Thank you guys again. Like you said, I know what I need to do. It's just hard.

You need to leave. ASAP. As someone else said, this is not a marriage, nor is this behavior in any way normal or acceptable.

W31RD0

I gotta be honest, I am losing a bit of sympathy for you here. You have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 years who has been negative, deceitful, and threatening throughout. I figure either you only think this affects you, or you put your feelings and fears above the safety and well-being of your child. I want you to think about that for a moment. As long as you stay, YOU are hurting your child just as much as he is. And for what? Because you are afraid? Because you believe in marriage? Because you would be embarrassed about the societal repercussions of divorce?

Wookinpanub

Lift heavy. The MFP answer to every question.

Actually good advice, then she'll be able to kick his sorry *kitten* to the curb and be lean and mean to get a new man.

seltzermint555

I gotta be honest, I am losing a bit of sympathy for you here. You have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 years who has been negative, deceitful, and threatening throughout. I figure either you only think this affects you, or you put your feelings and fears above the safety and well-being of your child. I want you to think about that for a moment. As long as you stay, YOU are hurting your child just as much as he is. And for what? Because you are afraid? Because you believe in marriage? Because you would be embarrassed about the societal repercussions of divorce?

Agreed

Sorry OP...I try to be positive and nice but your last response really made you look bad, like you're in love with the drama. I hope that's not the case.

As for your extended family. Everyone is saying "tell them immediately so they can be your support system" but I don't necessarily think that is the truth. I think it really depends on what they are like and your relationship with them. If you are a fairly independent woman (aside from the obvious)...work outside the home and so on...given the fact that you've already looked at some options for moving out, you sound pretty strong in some ways. I don't know your reasons for hiding all of these problems from your family. I'm assuming you are embarrassed and/or you told them about past issues and worry that they will blow you off because they have seen you leave him or talk about it, and then fail to follow through. No clue if that's accurate or not. But I think it might actually work out well in some situations to leave with just minor details given to your friends/family and/or the police, and prove to yourself that you are going to stay away and divorce him...rather than feeling like you have made promises to your family, then going back to him and breaking those promises. I hope that makes sense. But basically I am just saying that telling your family might not be the cure-all some are suggesting. Do what will be best for YOU and just as importantly, your child.

ETA: I think a good baby step might be talking with an attorney in your area. Some may have a free consult, but that's not super common for divorce lawyers. If money is a MAJOR issue and your income is low enough, you may be able to get help for free. Otherwise, maybe $100 or so at a mid range attorney's office. You could at least get some answers & direction.

soldiergrl_101

I just divorced after 5 years, we had problems from the get go. I only waited it out because I was trying to spare him the pain and I wasnt sure he could take care of himself. You know what my only regret is now? Not doing it sooner!