Significant Other's and Dieting

sportychic87

Hey all! So, I have just restarted my dieting/light exercise routine again after succeeding (I lost 25 pounds) and then gaining it all back
Here's the issue: My fiance is overweight, probably by around 70-100 pounds, and he hates veggies.

Sometimes with out meaning to, he sabotages my diet, by eating fatty foods and asking if i want some or by buying me pricey bon bons. For example, this weekend he wants to take me to our favorite Chinese restaurant...where we...pig out.
He has said that he's trying to lose weight, but he has so much to lose. He even said: 'This has to stop, our kids can't be...Like this.' How do I discuss his weight/health with him without hurting his feelings? I love him dearly. And how do I avoid all the tempting food that he's having?

Liftng4Lis

Lead by example. As far as the food he's buying, you're going to have to be the bigger person and either abstain, or put your foot down about him flaunting it in your face. Tell him you would appreciate it if he would show you respect by NOT asking you if you want some.

Kalikel

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

ana3067

Weight loss doesn't need to be met with a diet, but simply with caloric deficit.

So you can eat those fatty foods. You can eat whatever you want, it's just about moderation of the calorically dense foods so that you aren't starving all day due to low volume consumption. Your fiance can eat as he pleases as well, along with caloric restriction.

So tell him that: losing weight is about eating what you love, but less of it. Help him calculate his TDEE from websites like scoobysworkshop or health-calc.com. Or you can use this website to get an idea of how eating a specific deficit could potentially lead to weight loss in a certain amount of time (estimating a safe loss of 4lbs a month, go from there):
http://www.niddk.nih.gov/research-funding/at-niddk/labs-branches/LBM/integrative-physiology-section/body-weight-simulator/Pages/body-weight-simulator.aspx

20% deficit is just fine, and will help both of you transition into dieting without succumbing to any issues like excess hunger, moodiness, metabolic damage, etc. Have a night once a week or every other week where you guys eat at your estimated maintenance calories, make it your night out or something.

ETA: him buying you treats or offering a bite isn't sabotaging you. you can say "no thanks" when he offers and pre-logging your sweets when you crave them so you can fit the rest of your day around it.

Also ETA again, you said "restarting diet/exercise." So I assume you stopped eating how you were and exercising how you were when you were working to lose weight? If you cease activity then your maintenance needs will be lower, so you need to recalculate (unless you were using MFP's net method and eating back exercise calories). Stick to a healthy deficit and monitor your progress and you shouldn't regain the weight.

Branstin

No one can sabotage your diet but you. I would ask if he cares to join me and respect his answer. Just because you are ready doesn't mean he is ready. Yes, it is nice to do it together but sometimes our significant other is not ready at the same time as us. I agree that you should lead by example. You loss before by moderation and self-control so do the same again. You could buy your own supply of foods and eat those when he breaks out his stash or save calories to eat smaller amounts of his foods when he offers those to you.

4legsRbetterthan2

I agree, lead by example. You can't control him but you can control you. Cook what you are going to eat, if he doesn't want to eat it thats his problem. As for his providing temptations in your life, well thats just life, if he isn't the one putting them there then someone else will and you just have to learn to deal and say no. If you are successful maybe he will follow and get on track himself.

sportychic87

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'

AsaThorsWoman

My boyfriend has lost almost ten pounds in the last few months.

He's so inspirational too me.

I'm so proud of him and I follow his lead.

Lead by example.

xmichaelyx

Unless he's tying you down and force feeding you, he's not sabotaging anything - you are.

sportychic87

I should have made it clearer, I gained the weight back (I was almost at ideal weight!) When I started dating him. I'm not blaming him, it was my responsibility to stick to my diet. But a girl can only refuse so many truffles and bon bons...lol. I honestly wish he'd stop buying me candy. I do best when there's no treats around.

Mr_Knight

Hey all! So, I have just restarted my dieting/light exercise routine again after succeeding (I lost 25 pounds) and then gaining it all back
Here's the issue: My fiance is overweight, probably by around 70-100 pounds, and he hates veggies.

Stop right there.

According to what you just posted, you yourself failed. So you're not in a position to be talking about anyone elses weight issues or eating habits.

Fix your issues first, before bringing other people's issues into the discussion.

Francl27

So tell him to stop buying you candy, and explain to him that you can only burn so many calories with exercise.

sportychic87

Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh.

jemhh

Have you told him not to buy you candy?

mmm_drop

In the end you're the only person that can make choices for you.

My boyfriend is a candy hound. I love candy and sometimes I want to snatch it all out of his hands and cram it in my mouth. Usually I can control myself though and let him enjoy his candy without joining him in the yumminess.

Again, you do you.

ana3067

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'

Well he is half right: you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you're in a caloric deficit. Exercise is not to lose weight, it's a fitness tool. It just happens to help you raise your energy needs, which in turn means you can eat more food without gaining weight. So if I'm sedentary every day, then to maintain I'd eat maybe 2200 cals. But since I exercise, I can eat ~2500 to maintain. So when in a deficit, it's obviously much easier to maintain a deficit if I'm exercising becuase I get to eat more food.

But as the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. So in this case, you can't outrun caloric surpluses.

Mr_Knight

Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese.

You can help him by setting an example. All you've done so far - by regaining the weight - is show him that it's pointless to try.

The rest is just nagging.

Fix yourself first.

ana3067

Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh.

Here's how this conversation should play out then:

Him: Hey babe, you want to go out to eat?
You: What were you thinking?
Him: Well, I was thinking maybe we go to [insert popular chain restaurant] or something, that sound good?
You: Sure, let's look online and see if they have some nutrition info so we can see what will fit into our calories/macros for the day!

and if you guys didn't plan to go out early enough and you don't have enough cals, then

You: Well looks like we don't have the room to eat out tonight... want to make it a maintenance night, or do you want to just go out to eat tomorrow night?

Huppmanj

At first my fiance was very resistant to the change. He would complain about "eating health food" and being starving. (I have a rule that what I cook is what you eat. If you don't like it cook something else for yourself- which NEVER happens) But after some time (only a month or so) he noticed that he was actually starting to loose some weight as well. It's really as simple as if it's not there you can eat it. I know he cheats during the day and will have junk food with the guys, but it's not affecting me personally. Today he went to the doctor for a physical and was down to 269 from 305.

lmarshel

You need to be responsible for YOURSELF. And he needs to be responsible for himself. I agree with leading by example, but don't be upset if he fails to follow. You CANNOT force someone else to change.

If he wants to eat out and you know you can't do it, tell him NO. You have a choice, use it!

SonicDeathMonkey80

Talk about the pot calling the kettle fat