Significant Other's and Dieting

mrsmitchell0510

Lead by example.

^^This! You cannot make him eat differently; it has to be his decision and done of his own volition.
My husband actually noticed that he had started to trim up a little bit just by me changing the way I eat (because it changes the way I cook and what foods we have in the house). It has been kind of a starting point where now he is wanting to do more to make himself healthier. My husband, like your fiance, will not eat a lot of veggies, so I make sure to cook the ones that I know he will eat and cook others that he won't eat for myself. The best thing you can do is be solid in your resolve to make your body healthy and hope he will follow suit. Just lead by example.

ValGogo

You can't. Do you. Say what you have to say and eat what you have to eat. About hurting his feelings by telling him not to buy you bon bon...I don't see how that is hurting his feelings.

It's not his job to lose your weight, it's yours. He doesn't have to get fit if he doesn't want to. These are the facts. If you want to deal with what could be or should be, well, that's another thing and you can drive yourself crazy woulds and shoulds.

ana3067

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'

Well he is half right: you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you're in a caloric deficit. Exercise is not to lose weight, it's a fitness tool. It just happens to help you raise your energy needs, which in turn means you can eat more food without gaining weight. So if I'm sedentary every day, then to maintain I'd eat maybe 2200 cals. But since I exercise, I can eat ~2500 to maintain. So when in a deficit, it's obviously much easier to maintain a deficit if I'm exercising becuase I get to eat more food.

But as the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. So in this case, you can't outrun caloric surpluses.

'You can't outrun a bad diet' That quote is perfect!!! I keep pushing veggies on him. But his of idea of nutrition is an egg and bacon on top of a burger.

I don't think you understood the point of my message(s) at all. As I said, you can't outrun a bad diet = you can't outrun caloric surpluses. You can over-eat in calories by eating fruit and veggies and lean chicken breasts and egg whites and whole grains and all that stuff.

So, like I said a number of times, it's about eating what you LOVE, but eating less of it.

Mr_Knight

Understand that he is insecure. He's afraid you'll leave him once you look great...

W'hat a load of crap. How can you possibly make such denigrating statements about someone you know ZERO about.

Ridiculous.

ana3067

'You can't outrun a bad diet' That quote is perfect!!! I keep pushing veggies on him. But his of idead of nutrition is an egg and bacon on top of a burger.

<

---

Doesn't eat veggies. Still losing weight. And, an egg and bacon on a burger is a fabulous choice in my book! Protien and delicious.

Why are you the only one who has echoed everything I've said in this thread?! OP, in quoting my "bad diet" thing, even seemed to ONLY see that part of my post and not how bad diet actually means caloric surplus.

ValGogo

Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh.

"I want him to, I want him to, I want him to......"

That's all I see.

Do you.

Soccermavrick

I am skipping most of the replies, because I only have a minute here.

A) Weight loss comes from consuming fewer calories than you burn. Exercise is great, but the majority of weight loss comes from your diet, not the exercise. (I argued against this belief for years, but I never succeeded until I changed my diet.)

You can only worry about you. He is a big boy. Though if you do all the cooking, try to prepare healthier foods, or reduce the amount that you cook.

C) He is Sabotaging you? He might be enabling you, but sabotage would be refusing to buy anything healthy, or making you eat everything. It sounds like he is not helping, but I also think that you are struggling with your own willpower. So you are going out to eat, make healthy choices, measure your food, make sure he sees you measuring your serving, and eat in moderation. Once he sees YOU REALLY trying, I am betting that he will start making better decisions too. I think if he sees you getting upset at BonBons and THROWING THEM OUT, he might start bringing home flowers instead.

D) I am not saying that you are 100% of the problem. I am only saying take responsibility for you and yourself, for the habits you are teaching you children, and you might be amazed at what your husband learns too.

E) He might have a long way to go, but the journey starts with a single pound. The Biggest Loser might make 10 or 20 look easy, but it is not, if you loses a pound a week, by Thanksgiving you will be amazed.

F) Maybe if you want to involve his, ask him to support you, at 20 lbs you get a massage, 30 lbs a day at the spa, or a set dollar for cloths. Maybe at the end you jokingly offer him an incentive scale.

Whatever you decide though, Good Luck! This is not easy, if it was everybody would have done it by now.

joanthemom8

My husband is a little bit the same way. He's not obese, but he's gained a little weight in the last few years. We work together and he wants to go to lunch (with me) every day! So, I careful chose what I'll eat at each place, or if I have something at the office with me I will politely turn him down. He'll always say, "So, I'm on my own for lunch today?" to make me feel a little guilty, but I don't like to eat out every day. It can lead to bad habits, it wastes a lot of my time, and I hate trying to decide every day "where to?". But it's up to me to either say no to my hubby or just eat less when we do go out.

lavaughan69

If you're really committed to losing weight then you will find a way to handle everything that's thrown at you because there is always going to be people offering you food you don't want, parties that you have to attend and you need to arm yourself with ways to cope with this because that is the reality of life.

If you know you're going to a restaurant than go online before you go and find out what the best thing on the menu would be for you to eat. If you're offered food you don't want, don't eat it. Or if you do want to eat it then save some calories so you can. Plan ahead as much as you can by eating light one day so you extra calories to play with. If something is thrown at you last minute then make up for it the next day. Just always keep track and be sure to log everything.

When your significant other sees how well you manage life with diet he'll come around. :-)

Kellbellftw

Compromises! Thats how me and my husband do it. If he wants us to have ice cream for dessert then he knows that he'll be there the next morning with me when I go for a walk. This way he only puts me in a situation for bad decisions when he thinks it would really be worth it because he knows the consequences lol

Also, we try to eat out as little as possible. So it comes down to 'if you dont want to eat my turkey bacon then you cook your own food' most of the time haha! If he doesn't want to eat what healthy thing I'm making then he has to make his own food. Though, we do have our compromises - tacos cannot be made with ground turkey (which I agree with him on that one lol)

Although I would love to have him take this journey with me, it's his choice whether he wants to or not. Most of the time the wanting to eat (even my healthy meals) outweighs his want to cook :laugh:

conetah24

First things first: You CAN only control YOU! But some people make this so black and white and make it sound like there is only success and failure when trying to control your own impulses. It's a lifestyle change that starts with you and eventually ends with both of you in one way or another. Here are a few things that finally helped me with my goals and pushing my family in the right direction.

1. Set up boundaries with your husband about what you want to do and what he can do to help you. You do not have to force him to change his lifestyle but you can force him to respect yours. Every night either me or my wife would stop at the store and pick up a soda or candy kind of as a reward for making it through the day; however, once I took a good look at the empty calories I was consuming on a daily basis I had to start saying no to these drinks/treats. My wife would continue to call for a bit seeing if I wanted anything but after a couple weeks of asking and me saying no she finally stopped asking. A few weeks later she stopped stopping all together. Being firm when you say no is the best thing for you because you will be around high calorie fatty food constantly but eventually he should get the hint that this is not something you want.

2. If money can motivate him and you, then you should do a challenge with friends. There are plenty of guidelines and worksheets of other healthy contests that can score points for anything from no processed sugar to exercising a certain amount of times at night. I was the heaviest I have ever been topping nearly 300 pounds when some friends asked us to join in a money pool for an "8 weeks to a better you" challenge. They had worksheets and a point system that you filled out every week and whoever had the most points won after 8 weeks. With 12 friends at 50 dollars a person, the prize was 600 dollars. My wife and I were motivated because if one of us won the money, we both won the money. Which I did losing 38 pounds, although I did put about 8 back on after the challenge I decided I was just going to go by the sheet regularly and I'm down 17 pounds for a total weight loss of 47 pounds in 6 months, it was the lifestyle change I needed and super easy to set up.

3. Find alternate motivator! For me it is Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition with Chris Powell. Every time I am struggling mentally and physically I put on an episode and BAM motivation restored. If they can do it, I can do it. Don't get me wrong I know they have an amazing trainer and access to resources that I don't have, but that's when I concentrate on the second phase of the show when these clients struggle when they go home but fight through it. Good stuff.

4. Eventually know when to stop pushing! I understand how difficult this is because you love him and do want him to be healthy but some people just can't be pushed and you can't wait around for them. I have a friend who I had been trying to help get healthy by going to the gym with me but everyday it seemed like he had a new excuse. Then every so often he would talk about getting into shape and I would change my schedule to fit him in and every time he would not show up with another excuse. I eventually had it and basically told him it was "put up or shut up" time. I stopped making plans around his schedule and starting telling him when "I" was going to lift and if he wanted to show up he could but I don't wait for him anymore even if he says he is coming that day. He still talks about wanting to get into shape and I just tell him when I'm going but I no longer try to convince him to go. The craziest part is now that I'm getting noticeable results you can see in his eyes that he's a little jealous because I've always been a little bigger than him. Hopefully it finds a way to motivate because I do care about my friends and his health but overall mine is the most important..

silentKayak

Understand that he is insecure. He's afraid you'll leave him once you look great...

W'hat a load of crap. How can you possibly make such denigrating statements about someone you know ZERO about.

Ridiculous.

Are you planning to follow me around the message boards ****ting on everything I write? I think you need a new hobby!

In my opinion, it's a distinct possibility and is a classic pattern of codependence. OP can decide if it fits her situation of course.

AlyssaJoJo

I don't really ever talk to my SO about it. We eat healthier. I make dinners and he eats it, so he's stuck eating it. I also will make some different things for us. I have a desk job and he has a factory one which means he can eat way more than I can through out the day... so sometimes I'll make my self brown rice and him mashed potatoes. But in the end it's healthy. When we go out to eat I just express, ' I would like to go somewhere where I can get (insert healthy food)' and he works off of that. And then because we are a couple, and it isn't fair for one of us to expect the other to always compromise for one person, he also has the ability to say, " Hey, I'm really craving this." And that's what we'll do going out to eat. It's all about balance, and compromise, in a relationship and it's no different with a diet. Also the lead by example is a giant valid thing. No one is going to follow you if you break under any type of pressure. If he gets you chocolates either find a way to eat it in a healthy way or don't eat it. If you go out for chinese have a balances meal instead of binging. If you can't control those things for your self, you won't really ever be able to help him.

sweetpea03b

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

This. 100%. My husband is very thin and can eat whatever he wants. Most of the time I try to make healthier versions of the foods we used to eat... but every once in a while we'll have homemade french fries (Yep, fried) and other not-so-healthy things. I just eat a few. You have to get ahold of YOUR self control and learn to say no. Once he sees you doing it and losing weight and that you can have a little bit of chinese food (not the whole buffet), maybe he'll join you

Yes, it's mean for someone to wave a cupcake under your nose and say "Ohhh isn't this delicious?? Don't you want one??" (My sister does that to me ALL the time.) It's really easy to say no when I see it's 300 calories and know I'd have to go for a LONG run to burn it off. You just have to start thinking of it in terms of "is this worth it? do I really want this?"

destinimac

My boyfriend has lost almost ten pounds in the last few months.

He's so inspirational too me.

I'm so proud of him and I follow his lead.

Lead by example.

I have been asking myself the same question on how to get my boyfriend to lose weight with me and the responses I get are just plain RUDE. This, however, could not be more true. After failing to lose the weight time and time again and blaming it on him, he came home one day and suddenly really wanted to go to the gym. Why?? Because his mom lost 14 pounds and it inspired him to do the same.

4legsRbetterthan2

Understand that he is insecure. He's afraid you'll leave him once you look great...

W'hat a load of crap. How can you possibly make such denigrating statements about someone you know ZERO about.

Ridiculous.

Are you planning to follow me around the message boards ****ting on everything I write? I think you need a new hobby!

In my opinion, it's a distinct possibility and is a classic pattern of codependence. OP can decide if it fits her situation of course.

He could be insecure, or he could just not think about how his actions affect her, or he just doesn't understand since it sounds like he has never seriously dieted. So your post was not exactly correct.....

Calliope610

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'

I think I found the problem.

Don't cave, stand firm. Hopefully he will get the message.

And just a thought. You have the right to make your own decisions about your health and fitness, including how vigorously you hold to your decisions. Your SO has the same right to make his decisions, whether you approve of his decisions or not.

cburke719

My husband does the same thing to me as well. He's also overweight and has a heart condition and is rather sedentary. What I do is to just eat smaller portions, account for all the food that i eat on MFP so I know how good/bad I've been. I also drink a ton of water to help with any hunger pains (it really works).

I succeeded doing this for 6 months and then I stopped tracking which was my downfall. I'm back to dieting and just eating carefully and making sure that we include those fresh veges and salads every night. You may find that your fiance changes.

Also, try to curb going out to eat and stay at home and cook. You'll find this is much easier on your body and your wallet. At the most I will eat out 1 time per week and it's usually a pizza or burrito.

I hope this helps you.

jmy1975

I also gained weight I lost when I started dating my SO. It happens. I had the same problem with my husband bring treats and asked him to stop bringing tempting food into the house. He did that for me. I know he still eats crap sometimes, but I can't control him. I have been working really hard and he has lost weight just by eating the healthier foods I cook. Hint, try to not make them taste too healthy. My husband will not eat what he calls "hippy food" but if I add flavor he enjoys it. I have substituted ingredients in meals to make them healthy and he never knows. I know he like broccoli but hates zucchini, so I cook that for him and eat the zucchini myself since I love it. When we planted the garden this year he had input on the vegetables he likes and eats all the carrots since I hate them.

That being said, as others have said, you need to lead by example. After 10 weeks of me doing consistent exercise program I went hiking with my husband (which is an activity he really enjoys) and he couldn't keep up with me. It used to be the other way around. He won't exercise, but loves to do activities so I try and get us both to do that together. We go hiking and biking in the summer and nicer weather and we have taken up snowshoeing in the winter occasionally. When I made pizza last night he didn't eat the whole thing because he sees I am getting fitter and he wants to keep up. I even challenged him to do soem pushups with me when he walked in the room while I was doing my workout. He couldn't keep up, so I have a feeling he may start working on it.

He also keeps telling me I look good the way I am now, but I tell him I don't like it and I need to like myself or he isn't going to get any. He started being a lot more supportive so I can be comfortable again.

You can't force it, but maybe when he sees pictures of the 2 of you together he will get to a place that he wants to do it for himself.

kelseyann92

Leading by example is the best advice I have to offer! I was 186 when I met my boyfriend of now 2 years. My boyfriend is in great shape and being in a relationship and loving him motivated me to lose weight. I have lost 40 llbs and kept it off for 2 years We work out together when we can and it is so fun to be working on your health togther. Maybe you two could go on walks together or take a fitness class together!