Significant Other's and Dieting

sdelo7

You can't make him change his eating habits, he has to decide to do so himself.

I have the same thing in my house. My husband eats junk, drinks cola and doesn't exercise. I cook healthy and he can do what he wants. If he doesn't want to eat what I make he can make his own. I am not his mother or his coach.
Our daughter is quite happy eating healthy and chooses to stick with me on that.

I exercise (run, play tennis, dance etc...) and I do it with by myself, with my daughter or with friends. If he wants to join me he is always welcome to.

We are both overweight, borderline obese. He has always had the same eating and (lack of) exercise habits. I have always exercised and eaten a healthy diet - just too much food. I have always been relatively fit and healthy, just overweight. I have been making a conscious effort to track my food intake and my exercise here. Good news is we are starting to see the difference - I have lost 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks since I started this.

Hang in there.

SueInAz

My husband is a little bit the same way. He's not obese, but he's gained a little weight in the last few years. We work together and he wants to go to lunch (with me) every day! So, I careful chose what I'll eat at each place, or if I have something at the office with me I will politely turn him down. He'll always say, "So, I'm on my own for lunch today?" to make me feel a little guilty, but I don't like to eat out every day. It can lead to bad habits, it wastes a lot of my time, and I hate trying to decide every day "where to?". But it's up to me to either say no to my hubby or just eat less when we do go out.

Eating out is very expensive. Perhaps you can try to make it a finance issue rather than a weight-loss issue with him? At one point in the past, I realized my husband and I were spending hundreds of dollars each month on lunches and dinners out. He wanted to go to Disney World for vacation that year and the compromise was that we'd eat in and brown bag lunches to save the money to go.

Kalikel

You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.

You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.

If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!

I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'

If weight loss is the only goal, it's true. You can eat whatever you want and if you burn enough off, you lose weight.

People do thing when they're ready. You can't force, cajole, explain or beg anyone into weight loss. They have to want it and want it badly.

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Make peace with this before you marry.

And tell him to stop offering you that stuff!

MelRC117

To the people saying it's not sabotage. It is. Absolutely.

If my husband was trying to kick a drinking problem, I would be sabotaging him if I bought his favorite beer and put it in the fridge.
If my husband was trying to kick a drug habit, I would be sabotaging him if I bought heroin and gave it to him.

Now, food is different, because it's always around. So it is NOT sabotage if the husband buys himself candy and happens to leave some of it around. But if he buys it FOR her, it is no different than handing crack to a junkie. Consciously or not, he wants her to fail, and he's going to pick away at her resolve until it crumbles.

At the very least, it's not supportive. When my husband went low-carb (and I didn't), I cooked him separate low-carb meals. When my son went pesca-vegetarian (and the rest of the family didn't), I offered him a vegetarian alternative at every meal, taught him how to cook his own, and made sure to stock tofu, fish, and other non-meat protein sources in the house. We ALL do different sports and physical activities, and each of us makes sure the others can get to their times/dates. My husband will rearrange his weekend if I want to go to the gym; I changed my work hours to take care of the kids so he can get to the gym in the mornings.

That's what being supportive of someone's fitness program looks like. Not buying them crappy food that will make it harder to meet their goals.

People lose weight while still eating what you consider "junk food". It's a gift to the OP and its her choice whether she makes truffles fit into her daily calories. If she asks him not to buy it and he does, she doesn't HAVE to eat them still. Still not HIM sabotaging. We don't even know at this point if OP even told him not to buy her anymore chocolates. Losing weight doesn't mean necessarily never eating sweets ever again....it can also mean eating less sweets in a day than before.

So please, stop with the heroin comparisons. You can still eat what you consider "crappy" foods and be healthy/lose weight.

DesireeLovesOrganic

I grocery shop and cook so no one really gets a choice. LOL When the kids say "What's for dinner?" I say "We are having Eat It or Starve" (joking but not.) How about "chinese food night in?" You make it. You can make healthier version of anything. I'd just say "Hey, I am really trying here and these candies make it hard for me. I know you are just trying to be nice but how about a new book?" (or insert whatever comparable price thing you are into.)

MelRC117

My boyfriend has lost almost ten pounds in the last few months.

He's so inspirational too me.

I'm so proud of him and I follow his lead.

Lead by example.

I have been asking myself the same question on how to get my boyfriend to lose weight with me and the responses I get are just plain RUDE. This, however, could not be more true. After failing to lose the weight time and time again and blaming it on him, he came home one day and suddenly really wanted to go to the gym. Why?? Because his mom lost 14 pounds and it inspired him to do the same.

Because your boyfriend should want to lose weight for himself, not because you want to force him because you are.

sdelo7

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

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Kalikel

To the people saying it's not sabotage. It is. Absolutely.

If my husband was trying to kick a drinking problem, I would be sabotaging him if I bought his favorite beer and put it in the fridge.
If my husband was trying to kick a drug habit, I would be sabotaging him if I bought heroin and gave it to him.

Now, food is different, because it's always around. So it is NOT sabotage if the husband buys himself candy and happens to leave some of it around. But if he buys it FOR her, it is no different than handing crack to a junkie. Consciously or not, he wants her to fail, and he's going to pick away at her resolve until it crumbles.

At the very least, it's not supportive. When my husband went low-carb (and I didn't), I cooked him separate low-carb meals. When my son went pesca-vegetarian (and the rest of the family didn't), I offered him a vegetarian alternative at every meal, taught him how to cook his own, and made sure to stock tofu, fish, and other non-meat protein sources in the house. We ALL do different sports and physical activities, and each of us makes sure the others can get to their times/dates. My husband will rearrange his weekend if I want to go to the gym; I changed my work hours to take care of the kids so he can get to the gym in the mornings.

That's what being supportive of someone's fitness program looks like. Not buying them crappy food that will make it harder to meet their goals.

People lose weight while still eating what you consider "junk food". It's a gift to the OP and its her choice whether she makes truffles fit into her daily calories. If she asks him not to buy it and he does, she doesn't HAVE to eat them still. Still not HIM sabotaging. We don't even know at this point if OP even told him not to buy her anymore chocolates. Losing weight doesn't mean necessarily never eating sweets ever again....it can also mean eating less sweets in a day than before.

So please, stop with the heroin comparisons. You can still eat what you consider "crappy" foods and be healthy/lose weight.

If you tell your spouse that you're trying to accomplish a goal and ask them not to do something that interferes and makes it harder for you and your spouse continues to do it...that's a rotten person.

It's not an issue of being able to lose weight while eating junk food.

It's an issue of respect and support.

AsaThorsWoman

At the risk of sounding like MFP sacrilege...

Maybe find a diet plan that appeals to his own personal aesthetic?

Some guys may not be ready, interested, or into using a food scale, but one thing all the diets out there have in common is that they create a calorie restriction.

Maybe the idea of being like a "cave man" (paleo) or eating steak with butter (low-carb) will make his interest wheels spin more than simple calorie restriction.

Getting him to have interest in and stick to something, anything, and see at least some results would at the very least get the ball rolling in the right direction.

My BF is hardcore paleo, but at the end of the day, he lost his 10 lb because he's been eating 2 eggs with butter & coffee for breakfast, a chicken breast, a carrot and an orange for lunch, and a pork chop and salad for dinner. That's it.

Never counted a single calorie, never even considered a food scale, feels like a bad-*kitten* caveman, (**insert monkey grunting here :-)**) is losing weight because his diet severely restricts caloric intake.

Just a thought. Hard-core IIFYM's friends feel free to jump down my throat now.

Kalikel

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

It's a little scary.

It's a little hurtful. Doesn't care about me, his kids, anyone. But I really think he thinks he can eat whatever he wants and the blood will just keep flowing through those arteries. "It won't happen to me" kind of thing.

When it does, he'll change.

sdelo7

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

It's a little scary.

It's a little hurtful. Doesn't care about me, his kids, anyone. But I really think he thinks he can eat whatever he wants and the blood will just keep flowing through those arteries. "It won't happen to me" kind of thing.

When it does, he'll change.

I don't believe it's because they don't care about us or our kids, i believe it's because they don't care enough about themselves.

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sportychic87

I mentioned to him that 'I have no control with these chocolates!, You should probably stop, I love them but...' He had been buying me bon bons about 2-3 times per month, big packages of them (I'm talking 12-24)!!!

I care about him and feel that he wants to lose but doesn't understand the connection between his burgers, waffles, fries, fried chicken, pizzas, etc and his weight. Plus, he doesn't seem to understand that I only need 1200 calories, he needs 2000, and so he'll ask me to eat more if he sees me eating small meals.

Jarahal

My boyfriend and I both started together, he lost about 20 pounds, as did I, He fell off the wagon and I kept on it, he has gained a bit back but not much, whereas I have continued to lose. I love him no matter what but it does make it a bit difficult when it comes to eating, for the most part we just make different foods for dinner. I tend to eat light if Im eating the same as him or I will make a healthy alternative, most of it is willpower, if you see your partner eating something tempting, either join in moderately if your calories allow, or be able to say no and find something satisfying that isn't going to make you feel guilty.

rosebette

My problem is somewhat similar. I have lost some weight and have really got into good shape for an "old broad." I'm very limited as far as calorie targets because I'm short and older so there is not much room for treats. My husband is heavy and already has some weight-related health problems. I can control what we eat at home, but if he's in the office or goes out with friends, he is eating what he wants. I also make him healthy lunches (Sandwiches on whole wheat bread, fruit) most days he goes to work, although in the fall, when my teaching schedule ramps up, I won't have time for that. We do go out once a week and that's my "cheat day." So, I'm eating some off plan things on that day, but not every day.

So, here I am, thinner and fitter and I feel as if I respect my body because of how I take care of it. But I also feel that as my life partner, he has a responsibility to do that, too. We are in our 50s, and his dad was gone by 66. His job is sedentary (he's a software programmer and project manager); he is probably sitting 7-9 hours a day (he also works late). I try to get him to go to the gym where he works (I bought him a gym bag for Father's Day), and he goes maybe once a week if I nag him enough. He plays on an over-40 baseball league, so he does get exercise from that, but more of the "weekend warrior" type. After September, he will get no physical activity unless he goes to a gym. He often gains between 18-20 lbs. every winter. Sometimes I feel as if I worked really hard to take care of my body both for myself and so that he will have a healthy, attractive partner, but he's not willing to do that for me (and I guess not for himself, either). And in his case, it's not just about being fit, but actually living longer and avoiding serious health problems.

itsbasschick

i have a couple suggestions.

tell him not to buy you the bon bons, and give him some suggestions of treats you like that fits your current eating plan. my hubby picks me up my favorite high-end mineral waters, the sees chocolate that fits my current plan and other things he knows that work for me that i really enjoy. he couldn't do that till i told him what i really liked to replace the chocolates i used to eat. the average boyfriend can't figure out what you love to eat that he can give as a gift without some help.

check your local restaurants for meals you can eat that fit your calories now. right now, actually. then make a list of your favorite restaurants and meals you can eat without worrying - make sure they will be tasty. i have stuff i love to eat at the sizzler and soup plantation, plus some more local restaurants so whenever anyone wants to go eat, i instantly have restaurant suggestions. then the next time your sweetie says "hey, want to go to that chinese place?" you can counter with "how about if we go to <insert restraurant name> instead?" and make it one of the places where you've found tasty foods that fit your calorie goals? you don't have to tell them why you chose that restaurant.

learn to cook really truly tasty meals that fit your meal / calorie plan.

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Kalikel

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

It's a little scary.

It's a little hurtful. Doesn't care about me, his kids, anyone. But I really think he thinks he can eat whatever he wants and the blood will just keep flowing through those arteries. "It won't happen to me" kind of thing.

When it does, he'll change.

I don't believe it's because they don't care about us or our kids, i believe it's because they don't care enough about themselves.

He knows I worry.

But he will shape up after the first heart attack. I'm as sure of that as I was sure my dad wouldn't, I know my peeps.

freedomwriter88

I mentioned to him that 'I have no control with these chocolates!, You should probably stop, I love them but...' He had been buying me bon bons about 2-3 times per month, big packages of them (I'm talking 12-24)!!!

I care about him and feel that he wants to lose but doesn't understand the connection between his burgers, waffles, fries, fried chicken, pizzas, etc and his weight. Plus, he doesn't seem to understand that I only need 1200 calories, he needs 2000, and so he'll ask to eat more if he sees me eating small meals.

I think you are worried about something more than calories. Maybe, if you stop eating together, you'll stop doing things together?

Your relationship is made up of more than food and treats. Talk to him about your concerns, explain to him that you need his support. You won't make him change, but he has to respect your wishes. If he isn't willing to work with you on that, there are bigger issues to be concerned about than candy.

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SueInAz

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

It's a little scary.

It's a little hurtful. Doesn't care about me, his kids, anyone. But I really think he thinks he can eat whatever he wants and the blood will just keep flowing through those arteries. "It won't happen to me" kind of thing.

When it does, he'll change.

I don't believe it's because they don't care about us or our kids, i believe it's because they don't care enough about themselves.

I work with a guy like this. He's about 50, obese, has already HAD the heart attack and knows he needs to change his lifestyle but doesn't. His brother died of a heart attack several months ago and that wasn't enough to motivate him, either. He makes jokes about dying young.... It's really rather depressing to watch someone live like that.

gmstarr1

My daughter and boyfriend were both thoughtfully bringing me treats when they came home from college and work. Cookies, ice cream, candy. Which none fit into my low carb diet (a moderation diet didn't work for me...I can't eat some things in moderation). All it took was about three or four times of not eating it, and they stopped. Now they either get something that fits into my plan, or they ask first.

My boyfriend jumped from diet to diet but never could find the instant success he was looking for. He's not a patient sort. He's also not the sort of guy you can nag into doing something. So I let it go. Which means a lot of nights him and our daughters (18 and 19) eat something totally different than I do or I adapt what they're eating to low carb.

When we eat out, we usually find some compromise. Usually we eat somewhere that I can find something that I can adapt, but sometimes we eat somewhere that there's just nothing that fits. And then I cheat a little to make him and my daughters happy. Overall I stay on my diet, and one cheat meal every so often is not going to undo everything.

Kalikel

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

It's a little scary.

It's a little hurtful. Doesn't care about me, his kids, anyone. But I really think he thinks he can eat whatever he wants and the blood will just keep flowing through those arteries. "It won't happen to me" kind of thing.

When it does, he'll change.

I don't believe it's because they don't care about us or our kids, i believe it's because they don't care enough about themselves.

He knows I worry.

But he will shape up after the first heart attack. I'm as sure of that as I was sure my dad wouldn't, I know my peeps.

Not everyone lives through that first heart attack

Yes, I know, already mentioned that.

Thanks.

SueInAz

My daughter and boyfriend were both thoughtfully bringing me treats when they came home from college and work. Cookies, ice cream, candy. Which none fit into my low carb diet (a moderation diet didn't work for me...I can't eat some things in moderation). All it took was about three or four times of not eating it, and they stopped. Now they either get something that fits into my plan, or they ask first.

My boyfriend jumped from diet to diet but never could find the instant success he was looking for. He's not a patient sort. He's also not the sort of guy you can nag into doing something. So I let it go. Which means a lot of nights him and our daughters (18 and 19) eat something totally different than I do or I adapt what they're eating to low carb.

When we eat out, we usually find some compromise. Usually we eat somewhere that I can find something that I can adapt, but sometimes we eat somewhere that there's just nothing that fits. And then I cheat a little to make him and my daughters happy. Overall I stay on my diet, and one cheat meal every so often is not going to undo everything.

This is me! I eat low carb during the day when I'm at work. When I make dinner I'll often make the starchy side dish, take a teeny amount (If I don't take at least a little my husband will suspiciously ask me "What's wrong with it?") and eat lots of the veggies and salad. More and more often I'm skipping the starchy side and just serving a lean protein with a steamed veggie and a salad. My husband, who hates it when I eat low carb because it's "wierd" hasn't really noticed the substitution.

Snip8241

You and your fiancé have some talking to do.
Figure out what you want and tell him. This is not rocket science here. You each have different views on the way you want to eat and live your lives. He is not responsible for the way you eat, you are not responsible for the way he eats. Come up with a plan together.
That is what a relationship is........

menojy

My boyfriend has that type of body that eats everything and never puts on weight, he's lean but not totally healthy. When he wants to eat something that would mess up my calorie intake for the day I'd eat a small amount with him if I want to, but if I don't want I just tell him. He can eat whatever he wants and so can I. we have different metabolism, different weight history, different bodies and it's normal if we have different opinions about meals.
He's very supportive though, trying to be healthier for the sake of health but he's not determined, he has no reason to be anyway (weight wise), and if he was overweight it would be the same. Everyone have their own views on how they want to live their lives .

My mom on the other hand is the one who teases me with unhealthy food, she makes a lot of deep fried (anything), lots of cakes, deserts and so, the talk failed with her which made me sad a bit .. It was really irritating in the beginning but I learned how to ignore it ..
I used the "imagine that turning into fat on your stomach" method, now I don't even need to think about it.

I think you should talk with him, tell him that you choosing a healthy lifestyle would not put him under pressure of following you (which I think he feels right now) and just let him be for a while .. Nobody changes unless they want/have to ..

also explain that offering unhealthy food is just annoying and you'd like him to stop that ..

rosebette

I know my boyfriend. When he has his heart attack, he's going to change. He will be hopping on the healthy train. But that's what it's going to take. He loves me, but not enough to give up the yummy food.

So I wait for the heart attack and hope he lives through it.

Scary thought isn't it? I used to try to tell my husband he needed to change his habits before it was too late. Then I tried to tell him that it would be easier to change gradually by choice then to have to make a sudden change because of a health crisis. Now I just let him make his own choices. He's an adult and I can't continue to tell him what to do.
It's scary and hurtful to see them sabotage their health but we can only control what we do.

At my husband's last doctor's visit, he said the doctor asked him, "So you're waiting for that first heart attack to change?"

Nightstar76

I feel you issue, I have a similar situation too. Sometime I'm good sometimes I'm not! But I think you will always have challenges if its not your significant other its going to be vacation or a party or a restaurant or whatever! Try your best to pick the right things. He'll see you trying and will respect it after awhile. Not perfectly but he'll get it and may start working at it too. But you can't control what he does you can only control what you do for yourself.