Life after divorce is it scary?

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  • matt_evans
    matt_evans Posts: 22 Member
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    Divorce is like any other grief process you just cannot put a time line on it as everyone is different. For me it took a long time even though I initiated the divorce. It was soul destroying when married just over a year (together 7 in total) I found she had cheated with an ex boyfriend. We also tried counseling but all it did for me was prove she didn't love me so I ended it. There were lots of hard days but they did get better and eventually went away.

    The best advice I can give anyone is accept that some days will be tough, sometimes you will cry and sometimes you will be angry but counter it all by doing something positive...don't let your bad day spiral into a weekend, week or month. Go for a walk, a run, do some DIY anything that breaks the downward spiral and gets you moving forward again.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,165 Member
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    Life after divorce is as scary as you make it. Having children makes things more complicated since you and your former partner have a shared responsibility. For their sake and to model appropriate behaviour for your children, it is necessary to put the interests of the children first for both parents. Some folks struggle with that through the grieving process, especially if the divorce was acrimonious.

    Being scared is natural since there are plenty of unknowns and some of the "knowns" have now changed. Know that there are others who have walked this path before you and we're available to offer advice.

    One of the best pieces of advice I got was to take my time before considering even looking for another relationship. I think that would be even more important for someone with small children. The same person who offered that advice also suggested counselling but I was already seeing a pshrink stemming out of failed couples counselling.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    I'm on that precipice so close to leaving. The thought is scary for some reason even thought I intellectually know I can take care of us all by myself.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    I divorced my first husband just over 4 years ago. It felt like the world was ending at the time but I'm so much happier now than I ever was in that marriage, even before it all went awry. It was scary for awhile, just like any change is scary (especially a big one like that).
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    The best advice I can give anyone is accept that some days will be tough, sometimes you will cry and sometimes you will be angry but counter it all by doing something positive...don't let your bad day spiral into a weekend, week or month. Go for a walk, a run, do some DIY anything that breaks the downward spiral and gets you moving forward again.

    ^^^This. Seriously. Walking keeps me from going batty on bad days.
  • emily889
    emily889 Posts: 296 Member
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    It is scary...but awesome.. then again I am pretty young and going through a divorce and only have to worry about my fur babies...Never been single before in my 20s and it is pretty dang awesome. The freedom is pretty eye opening actually.
  • Mhaney
    Mhaney Posts: 467 Member
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    I find my life got a lot more peaceful after the divorce. Much less stress.
  • Missjulesdid
    Missjulesdid Posts: 1,444 Member
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    I don't have kids but divorce was still scary. My poor exhusband became extremely mentally disturbed and paranoid and had a total breakdown and refused treatment. He wound up fleeing the country, convinced that I was out to get him. We had a wonderful relationship and never even had a serious argument. it took me two years and traveling half way around the world to seek help for him before I finally determined that the best thing for both of us would be divorce. It was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to do. I felt like I was abandoning him at the time when he was completely helpless but any time I tried to reach out to him, it seemed to make him worse.. so I decided to leave it in his family's hands. The guilt was immense.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,165 Member
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    I'm truly believe counseling doesn't work! Other person with own problems will telling me how to live ? I don't think so
    I suspect many folks don't realize that counselling serves a purpose other than saving relationships.

    The purpose most counselling serves to fully open the can of worms and then dump the contents on the floor.

    If you want to work together to clean it up, then your marriage survives. If it turns into the blame game or worse, then the marriage doesn't survive. Either way, the counselling helps you to decide. What you do after that is up to you.

    In my case, my ex stormed out of the first counsellor's offices because she wanted to blame everything on me and the psychologist was calling her on it. Since we were at teetering on the edge, I offered my ex an opportunity to choose another counsellor and try again. She did... and we did... and the second counsellor terminated our counselling within a couple of visits because, again, my ex wasn't accepting responsibility for her actions.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    Scariest yet best decision I ever made. Even when facing some challenges currently, I feel like I'm myself again.
  • KingaS32
    KingaS32 Posts: 73
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    Scariest yet best decision I ever made. Even when facing some challenges currently, I feel like I'm myself again.

    I'm pretty sure that's my best decision ever. Huge stone fell off from my chest
  • cnadiger
    cnadiger Posts: 168 Member
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    hope your counseling works

    Same here! Counseling for us was the nail in the coffin. Some people see success, for us it was the opposite.

    ^^This for me too. Once in counseling all the dirty laundry was aired and we both realized it was done.

    In my experience the best thing you can do for you, is to not act like a big victim. Your friends and family will quickly get tired of hearing about what a jerk he was and that everything was his fault. Very few relationship failures are one sided. The sooner you can stop pointing blame and live your life free of the mess, the better off you'll be.

    I started dating about 6 months after my divorce and had the time of my life meeting lots of new people!!
  • lkilton
    lkilton Posts: 105 Member
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    Bump
  • hemlock2010
    hemlock2010 Posts: 422 Member
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    Divorced since June 2013 after 26.5 years of marriage, my decision. I love it! My only regret is that I waited so long.
  • KingaS32
    KingaS32 Posts: 73
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    This topic turn in other direction. It's to late for counseling! I ask about life AFTER divorce!
  • LoneWolfRunner
    LoneWolfRunner Posts: 1,160 Member
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    I will never marry again.

    Good call.
  • KingaS32
    KingaS32 Posts: 73
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    Divorced since June 2013 after 26.5 years of marriage, my decision. I love it! My only regret is that I waited so long.

    Thanks you
  • RachaelRenk
    RachaelRenk Posts: 116 Member
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    We didn't have children, but the period during/after my first marriage ending was the most amazing. Sure, it was terrifying, that's why it took me over a year to actually do it. But afterwards, I've never felt so right, so in control, and so free.
  • bamagrits15
    bamagrits15 Posts: 131 Member
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    It can be at times, but it isn't always. I've been a single mom for 3 years. My ex is around so I do get some help, though not much. The things is, you are going to have hundreds of emotions as you go through this and it takes time to process them all. I have one piece of advice. Make sure you identify your emotions as just that. Emotions. They aren't logical and I have seen a ton of people, myself included, hurt more in the aftermath by reacting poorly to their own emotions than by anything else about the divorce.

    I will never say I'm glad I got divorced. I didn't want it. I don't like divorce. I wish my ex and I could have worked things out. But we couldn't. So I work with what I have. One thing I can say as a single mom, is be prepared to do it all 100% just you. If your ex carries his weight great! But if he doesn't you still are prepared to care for yourself and your child. A good friends and family support system can go a long way too!
  • chele1028
    chele1028 Posts: 248 Member
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