For my overweight child...

SunLove8

It's quite a controversial topic i've seen in the media, but I could use all types of advice. I have an 11 year old who is about 20lbs overweight. First off, she has had experiences that someone should NEVER endure in her life and I've begun to realize awhile that she has been eating A LOT more than usual and I've tried to control it, yet we give in at times.... I've always told her growing up to never eat her emotions, however I never set a good example. How do I help her lose some weight without making her feel like she is "fat". She's already expressed to me that she feels "bigger" than others and that she doesn't feel as if she fits in. It's hard for me to relate cuz I was the skinny kid growing up and never really thought about food. The thing is, is that I've caught her sneaking food, and it seems that she is always bingeing on whatever she likes in the house. I realize she is growing and will also be a very tall girl, but she does have excess body fat that she isn't comfortable with...and she's is overweight. I've avoided goin to her yearly check up this year incase her Doctor says something about her weight; for it would totally have an impact on her self-esteem if her Doctor told her she was overweight. I have her starting a Karatee class that she always wanted to do; however, it doesn't start until mid January. How can I help my beautiful daughter not binge eat, sneak food and start thinking of healthy? I've really tried many ways, such as counseling, sports, journeling, etc. etc. to get her help so she doesn't feel the need to "self medicate", but it always leads to the same bad eatting habits...

LittleMissAngi

maybe hide somethings, or don't buy the snacks??

SunLove8

maybe hide somethings, or don't buy the snacks??

Wow....

OCUMT575

I did this as a child too, and looking back I think what would have helped is figuring out my triggers. For me, it was boredom. I was convinced that I was bored because no one wanted to hang out with me which would make me eat.

Find what makes her feel those emotions and find an alternative answer that doesn't involve food. Maybe video games, books, an instrument or something of the like.

One thing that is very hard to do, I realize, but it's the only way to really start on weight loss, is get ALL the binge foods out of the house. Not just hidden away, but completely out of the house.

You should feel very proud of yourself that you are taking the steps to help your daughter, many parents just turn the other cheek on things like this and let their children pay for it later, I know mine did, and now I struggle with it horribly. Good for you for thinking about her.

SunLove8

I did this as a child too, and looking back I think what would have helped is figuring out my triggers. For me, it was boredom. I was convinced that I was bored because no one wanted to hang out with me which would make me eat.

Find what makes her feel those emotions and find an alternative answer that doesn't involve food. Maybe video games, books, an instrument or something of the like.

One thing that is very hard to do, I realize, but it's the only way to really start on weight loss, is get ALL the binge foods out of the house. Not just hidden away, but completely out of the house.

You should feel very proud of yourself that you are taking the steps to help your daughter, many parents just turn the other cheek on things like this and let their children pay for it later, I know mine did, and now I struggle with it horribly. Good for you for thinking about her.

Thank you...That brought tears to my eyes and I thank you so much for your advice. It isn't just bad foods she binges on, its ALL foods. I do need to make it a priority to make sure there isn't excess food laying around that she can eat without us "knowing", and the treats need to maintain as being a treat. I didn't want to deprive my child of her childhood by taking away sugar or anything, for I thougt that she'd think that I though that she was "fat" and that's the last thing on earth I want her to think. It's hard because she's 11 and she is already self concious and self aware and so making any changes causes her to think that i do indeed think she is "fat". I'm trying to be real careful with her self-esteem knowing how much she has been through, so I don't want to say that I think she needs to lose weight, yet "be healthy". Somehow she still figures out how to overeat and sneak anything in to eat, yet I need to obviously say something. It's so hard because I don't want her to feel like I think she is over weight,,,,

leslielove

maybe hide somethings, or don't buy the snacks??

Come on, really?


I think its great that you're wanting to help without triggering or hurting your daughter. Are you and your daughter close? If she's into mom and daughter time maybe try to find new activities that you can do together to promote weight loss as a fun thing and not something she feels in trouble for. If she's expressing her own discomfort, try to find healthy role models for her to take inspiration from. 11 year olds are incredibly impressionable and they're also incredibly smart so it can be hard to strike a balance so she doesn't feel like she's being tricked into doing things.

Maybe take her grocery shopping with you and have her help cook meals and snacks so she's more aware of what she's eating? It will definitely suck but you do have to phase out 'bad' snacks. When I moved out and bought all my own food, I did start losing weight because all the crap I was eating just wasn't in the house. Especially if you're involving her in food choices and helping make food and the reasons she eats more visible, I think you'll start to see some positive results. Maybe put a spin of healthier snacking/eating so she'll be super strong and tough when she starts her karate class in January. If she has something to look forward to it will make it easier to adjust

Good luck, and thank you so freaking much for being an involved, attentive, and caring mom.

SunLove8

maybe hide somethings, or don't buy the snacks??

Come on, really?


I think its great that you're wanting to help without triggering or hurting your daughter. Are you and your daughter close? If she's into mom and daughter time maybe try to find new activities that you can do together to promote weight loss as a fun thing and not something she feels in trouble for. If she's expressing her own discomfort, try to find healthy role models for her to take inspiration from. 11 year olds are incredibly impressionable and they're also incredibly smart so it can be hard to strike a balance so she doesn't feel like she's being tricked into doing things.

Thank you ((hug)) Yes, my daughter and I are close. She is the only child I have and will only have. I do try to include her in long walks with the dog, playing wii games that are excersise, and etc. She does all that, but still wants to eat A LOT. It makes me sad to see her not getting her fulfilment out of from the time we spend together and the meals we eat together. I know in my heart that she is in pain and is trying to fill that "hole". Counseling, exercise, journaling, and just plain talking about what she's been through hasn't changed it, but I'm hopeing somthing will "inspire" her in a positive way to make her want to eat to live and care about her own body. I will get rid of the unhealthy foods that are in the home presently, but again~ I struggle with her thinking that I think she is overweight because she is extremely sensitive and I don't want to harm her esteem anymore than what has been done to her...

Maybe take her grocery shopping with you and have her help cook meals and snacks so she's more aware of what she's eating? It will definitely suck but you do have to phase out 'bad' snacks. When I moved out and bought all my own food, I did start losing weight because all the crap I was eating just wasn't in the house. Especially if you're involving her in food choices and helping make food and the reasons she eats more visible, I think you'll start to see some positive results. Maybe put a spin of healthier snacking/eating so she'll be super strong and tough when she starts her karate class in January. If she has something to look forward to it will make it easier to adjust

Good luck, and thank you so freaking much for being an involved, attentive, and caring mom.

SunLove8

Leslielove, I wrote you back (thank you for all your wonderful advice); however, for some reason it's not showing what I wrote back to you. Anyhoo, thank you again and I took in all you said

SunLove8

Uhhhh, I'm a dork, I just now saw what I wrote, heheheeee

schwarzaj

by skipping the checkup at the doctor you are only putting her health more at risk, doctors are trained in this sort of thing, then can usually tell the parent without upsetting the child or letting the child know

SunLove8

by skipping the checkup at the doctor you are only putting her health more at risk, doctors are trained in this sort of thing, then can usually tell the parent without upsetting the child or letting the child know

I understand why you would say that, for I'd say the same thing. Yet, my child has been to the doctor for other things (shots, being sick...) it's just she just hasn't had her 11 year check up (they want to see the kids every birthday). I just don't think my child can deal with someone telling her that she needs to eat less and exercise more when she already knows this and is extremely self consious do to what she's been through. She will get her check up, however it'll be after Karatee leasons for a month or so. Her overall health isn't in jeoporady, for it's a yearly check up and I just want to have her back in another activity and feeling good about herself before she may be told something that hurts her inside.

BoresEasily

You mentioned you don't want to remove the snacks and unhealthy crap from the house for fear of her thinking she's fat. Start making better choices food wise and let her know that it's something you're interested in changing in your own life. Someone mentioned how impressionable they are and that's very true. If she sees you eating less processed foods and more nutrient dense foods for your own well being maybe she'll follow suit.

SaraTonin

Keep in mind that with the hormone fluctuations at that age a lot of teenage girls gain visible excess weight no matter what foods they're eating.

It's likely she already knows and doesn't need her mom to tell her and make her feel more self-conscious at a sensitive age. Just keep doing what you're doing and teaching positive eating habits and exercise. By example is the best way! She'll appreciate the support.

elainegsd

by skipping the checkup at the doctor you are only putting her health more at risk, doctors are trained in this sort of thing, then can usually tell the parent without upsetting the child or letting the child know

I understand why you would say that, for I'd say the same thing. Yet, my child has been to the doctor for other things (shots, being sick...) it's just she just hasn't had her 11 year check up (they want to see the kids every birthday). I just don't think my child can deal with someone telling her that she needs to eat less and exercise more when she already knows this and is extremely self consious do to what she's been through. She will get her check up, however it'll be after Karatee leasons for a month or so. Her overall health isn't in jeoporady, for it's a yearly check up and I just want to have her back in another activity and feeling good about herself before she may be told something that hurts her inside.

What kind of relationshipmdo you have with her doc? Can you clue him/her in on your concerns? Often pediatricians are well versed in handling this kind of thing, and whether or not you choose to take your daughter in for her checkup, it sounds like her doc might be a good resource to have on your side... After all, you have charged him/her with helping you keeping your girl healthy...

I applaud your concern. Your daughter is about the same age I was when my parents made me start weight watchers. When I look back at photos of me around that age, I just don't see what prompted them to do that. Learning to read labels and how to be active would have been a much better tactic in my case, with more positive benefits, instead of just singling me out as fat.

cookienikki

You are so sweet. I wish my mom could be like you. I went home for the Christmas holidays and all she said things like "don't you want to look pretty oh you should lose some weight, wear these clothes to cover your body, stay away from anything sleeveless, cover your ugly fat arms"....... ahhhh..... I'm sorry I didn't actually have any good advice for you, I just want to say you are so sweet and I'm sure you are a great mom. Best of luck.

Rinny_D

I have a few tips:

1) Don't call junk foods "treats", it implies that they are rewards- rather switch to another term like "sometimes foods"

2) Get/ draw a picture of the food pyramid TOGETHER, get her to tell you what goes in each area, it will be good for spending time together AND you will be putting good measures in to place

3) Tell her about the importance of a healthy diet- look into it yourself,
-you need to have a variety of foods EVERY DAY to get the nutritional benefits that different foods have. for example you need all three MACRO Nutrients in your diet (Carbs, Protein and Fat- just try and eat the good fats like in nuts and fish and red meat and avacado). You need to isure you are getting atleast some of all the vitamins
A, D, E, K are all fat soluble which means they don't need to be consumed everyday as they are stored in your bodies fat
Vitamins B1-12, and C are water soluble which means you must have them everyday as the required mount is used by the body and the rest is secreted out of your body in sweat, urine and faeces.

4- Limit the "sometimes foods" to specific days of the week
for example- 1 day a week at school she can have a lunch order or a packet of chips or something and only on the weekends and special occasions can either of you have high in fat/sugar foods- and limit that to ONE after lunch and ONE after dinner (desert) That way she is not missing out, you are not "missing out" and You are setting a good example for your dauughter. My son knows that rule and he is 4,
you HAVE to be firm, and not budge from your decisions- you are her parent before you are her friend- fast food is an easy way out but personally there is nothing easier than whiping up 1/2 a pack of 2 min noodles and mixing 1 cup of frozen vegies of HIS choice, even cook up a little bit of chicken or steak if you want to.

5- take up some mum-daughter time- every monday (or whatever day you choose) go for a walk for 1 hour, it gives you guys a chance to talk and catch up and you wont even know you are exercising- it will be 1 hour in of exercise and 1 hour you are not eating or thinking about food), maybe get a Yoga DVD and do it 1-3x week before school or after school, its fun My little boy loves riding his bike, he'll do it for hours if i let him- even invest ina trampoline, thats awsome fun and you dont even think that its exercise.

6- be sensitive but dont wrap her in cotton wool. tell her she is beautiful and you love her no matter what. tell her (when she brings it up) that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes and what counts is your health and your happiness, and that if she is concerned she should take up some more sport, it will be fun, boost her confidence and help her to make friends, the more sports she does, the more she will have in common with more people and the easier it will be to "fit in" to a group of people worth fitting in with.

taletreader

OK, I was a chubby child for as long as I could remember, was teased, felt bad about my body *always*, and ate for emotional compensation - mostly chocolate (1 100g bar a day, often) and cookies (by the packet). I've thought about what I would have *liked* my family to have don, in retrospect, and what I'd have liked them to refrain from doing, so here are some suggestions based on my personal experience. Take them with all the grains of salt they deserve:

- I'd have liked someone to *teach* me what has been so easy to learn after a week or two on MFP:
** That food is fuel for our activities. That we expend energy through moving and physical effort and compensate that by eating. It's like buying gas for your car, except the tank size is limited. (Yes, that's simplistic and obvious, but really have it sink in is the key.) If we give the body a little less than it needs, it'll use the fat reserves. If we give it a lot less than it needs, it'll balk - that's unhealthy.
** Macro nutrients (the US "food pyramid" thing will do), and how much we need of every one every day. Basic calorie calculations.
** That the way we evolved our bodies aren't really prepared for the conveniences of modern life (cars, elevators...) and the abundance of very highly digestible food -- it's very easy to take in more than you need.
** Most importantly, that we have *control* over this process. If she wants to be less heavy, she CAN be. If clothes shopping is a chore now (I don't know how overweight she is in terms of children's clothing), she CAN get to where she wants. If she wants to run faster in PE class or learn how to play some sport, she CAN.

- Include her in shopping and cooking, and show her how you make decisions, how you estimate ingredients and portion sizes. As far as I can see you're on your way to losing 40 pounds or so and can explain to her why and how -- show her how you're in control.

- Don't ever make it a judgement-laden issue. My parents used to make remarks about me having "a few rolls of fat" on my belly, as if I could just magically make them go away. I didn't have the beginning of an inkling of how to go about it! Well, yes, i knew that chocolate = bad, but hey, I was hungry, and I had no concept of long-term lifestyle choices. Pointing out what "should" be (no emotional eating, "if you go on like this you'll have medical problems" etc.) only increases the feeling of not being in control and doesn't show a way to take control.

- Yes, encourage physical activities. Any sports she's interested in. But don't link it up with "it'll be good for you because it'll make you lighter", but celebrate her achievements. Is there something she is good at, or better, something she struggled with, got better at and is proud of (could be anything - music, drawing, maths...)? Lead her to understand that many things in life are like that - you aren't good at it when you start out, but if you just keep at it, you'll get better and better and one day you'll be great.

- I would advise against hiding junk food or going behind her back in any significant way. She'll just hide it and eat when you can't see her -- that's the reaction of a normal, intelligent child.

- Taking away all her junk food and making it taboo looks like a dangerous way of action to me (except of course if SHE wants to do that to avoid bingeing). First of all she will find ways to circumvent it and it's part of her peer group's socialization, and second it won't increase her ability to control her food choices. Teaching moderation is teaching a much more valuable lesson. That eating until you're full is going to end with you taking in excessive amounts, but listening to your body and eating until your desire is JUST satisfied is going to be much better. You might be able to do something like making it clear that you disapprove (and make SURE she knows why), but letting her have it if she, I don't know, is able to tell you how many extra calories are in it, or some other "payment" for junk food.

- Be very clear about supporting her against bullies, and that she is just as loveable and beloved at any weight.

- I'm sure she knows she's overweight. Bringing up the topic may be traumatic, and this may be easier once you've already established a non-judemental conversation between you about food. (*Learning* about this stuff can make it interesting. Being confronted with your imperfections before you know enough to do anything about it is discouraging.)

Now the fact that you don't want to take her to the physical exam should be a red flag, but hey, I'm European and don't believe in yearly exams anyway! You should go, though, if that's in your habit, but preparing her for the realisation that there might be some work on her weight in the future would help. If she's going to grow a lot, and is on the cusp of puberty, there'll be a lot of changes in her body, and it's a great opportunity to catch this early enough on and instill some good habits in her that will give her the tools to make better and better choices about food.

Oh, and she won't always be receptive, at her age. Most of what you say will go into one ear and out through he other. Don't preach. But you'll be surprised at some point in the future what she retained -- it may have been that little remark about how an entire restaurant meal contains enough calories to fuel a person for a day and a half; or watching you do something or other you couldn't very well do before you lost the weight you want to.

Manda1987

I've been a binge eater since age 8. What was my parents' response? To lock away all the snack foods in a cupboard and constantly berate me for being overweight. I still have vivid memories of my father calling me a sow when I was 14 because I had a little pudge, even though I'd been taking karate lessons for a year at that point and was in better shape than him.

They didn't talk to me and find out why I was overeating (because I was being bullied badly at school)

They didn't stop eating half boxes of cookies or bags of chips at a time in front of me and start living the way they were telling me to (i.e. fruits or veggies for snacks, small portions)

They didn't find out how I felt about being overweight and whether I'd like to do anything about it (because I was aware, and wanted to lose weight but had no idea how)

They didn't stop setting a bad example by doing crash diets, losing tons of weight and then gaining it right back again.

You must be a fantastic parent to go about this in such a delicate way. Your daughter will thank you for it till the end of time.

As the other posters have said, it's all about being there for her and living the way you're recommending that she does. Don't villianize junk food, or it'll be the forbidden fruit. She needs to learn something I'm just learning now: how to enjoy just a small portion of foods that she likes. If she's hungry, she's got to learn to eat healthy foods. If she just wants something sweet, a bit of junk food is fine. Don't get rid of all bingeable foods, because she can always go buy it (and probably eat more of it). Get active together! Go for walks, start taking karate with her, or even doing Wii Fit together would be great. Most of all, she has to want to lose weight. If you force it on her, she'll overeat out of spite.

Good luck to you and your little girl

SunLove8

Oh my goodness, thank you all for sharing your stories and your great advice, it REALLY helps. I think I have a set plan on how to deal with it now, and I'll make that yearly check up with her doctor (making sure though, that I talk to him first about being sensitive about this issue with her), for he is a GREAT doctor and she loves him; I just was scared he was going to tell her she was overweight and it would crush that bubbly sparkle in her. I know she is emotionally eating from what she has gone through and I know she is aware of what she is doing but she can't stop herself. We will have another great talk about living healthy, and etc.,.and hopefully with the Karatee and everything else she will start feeling better about her body. Someone mentioned preteen hormone weight, and I couldn't agree more. I think part of it too is that she is just plain hungry all the time, however there will be a lot more healthier choices in the home as well.

mccorml

maybe hide somethings, or don't buy the snacks??

Wow....

dont be judgemental of this trust me your daughter would rather be skinny i grew up always overweight and now i can actually do something my parents controlled what i ate and trust me id have rather them done a better job

HealthyChanges2010

You can help her most by being an example of health yourself! If you're bringing in unhealthy food and eating it, she sees the example and why wouldn't she think it's fine to eat it, Mom does, right?

Kids see us as their example, at a very early age they mimic our behaviors and create lifetime patterns of their own because of it.
She needs a healthy behavior example likely more than words at this point. Watching Mom workout and making it fun (not using the work 'diet' or I HAVE to exercise) not like a chore and creating healthy meals together can be lots of fun with the whole family.:flowerforyou: