This seriously breaks my heart on a daily basis

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135

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  • thinklivebefree
    thinklivebefree Posts: 328 Member
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    Hull ya mudda! Mind your business!!!
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
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    I want to offer another perspective. Going through this girl's school is the most intrusive way of simply giving her a gift. How would you feel if I went to your boss after seeing your work outfits weren't very stylish, and asked that your boss give you some new suits that I would pay for? It would be humiliating! Not only did some unknown stranger notice you, but instead of having the courage to stop you and simply show a kind gesture, they are now intruding in your work life.

    Give the girl a gift card for a nearby clothing store so she can pick out some new clothes if she wants. Show some kindness directly -- that's what kindness is.

    The bolded portion of your answer gives me chills. If some random person gave my pre-teen daughter a gift card, they would be getting a visit by the local police. Not a wise choice in this day of predators.

    I second (or is it 3rd) in giving a donation of clothes to the school if they have a food/clothes bank. Let the guidance counselor handle the process. She/he is probably in a better position to know the story in the family (if there is one).

    There are so many ways to help people in your community, but inserting yourself into the situation, when you are merely guessing at the circumstances is not helpful.
  • leadslinger17
    leadslinger17 Posts: 297 Member
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    I think your heart is in the right place, but unless its a safety thing (not a style thing) I would stay out of it. By safety I mean it's 20 degrees outside and they are walking to school with no jacket. But even then, it could just be who they are. I have an adult friend who grew up in Michigan, and for whatever reason it is a point of pride that she wears sandals here in NC year round, even on the rare occasion that it gets down in the teens. I also remember in elementary school a kid named Matt (also from somewhere up north) that would wear shorts year round. Heck, there is a guy two offices down from me from Canada that does this. Like it's a "I'm a tough northerner, this isn't cold silly southerners" kind of thing, lol.

    So, I think the idea of approaching the school would be good if you saw a kid and were genuinely concerned for their safety. Then a teacher can ask, "hey aren't you cold? Do you have a coat?" and they might explain that they are always hot or whatever. But this doesn't sound like a safety issue, just lots of assumptions.
  • askeates
    askeates Posts: 1,490 Member
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    I think sending an email or calling the school would be the least intrusive.... there are many good points here, she/her family could need help, or it could be that she chooses to dress in the same thing. The school may be able to provide a little more assistance with this.

    If you find out that she really does need help, then go for it.... but if that is her choice, good on you for at least checking!
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    I'm going to guess the OP is projecting based on her experiences or those of someone close to her. As others have said, there's a very good chance the girl wears what she does and is a loner totally by choice. Approaching the girl or contacting the school may create trouble for her family at worst and some major embarrassment at the least.

    While I think it's great that you have a big heart and a soft spot for kids, there's no need to overstep your bounds. Put your energies and resources (time, money, etc) towards people you're sure need it like homeless shelters, food cupboards and other local charities. If she is in fact a needy child, some help will come to her that way.
  • VBnotbitter
    VBnotbitter Posts: 820 Member
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    It's nice that you are caring but as a former weird kid, I would say stay out of it. I once had a well meaning lady coming up and tell me the way to the nearest soup kitchen much to the mortification of my loving, middle class parents when they heard about it. Donate to food banks, charity shops etc in your area then if she really is from a struggling family she will probably benefit anyway.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    I want to offer another perspective. Going through this girl's school is the most intrusive way of simply giving her a gift. How would you feel if I went to your boss after seeing your work outfits weren't very stylish, and asked that your boss give you some new suits that I would pay for? It would be humiliating! Not only did some unknown stranger notice you, but instead of having the courage to stop you and simply show a kind gesture, they are now intruding in your work life.

    Give the girl a gift card for a nearby clothing store so she can pick out some new clothes if she wants. Show some kindness directly -- that's what kindness is.

    The bolded portion of your answer gives me chills. If some random person gave my pre-teen daughter a gift card, they would be getting a visit by the local police. Not a wise choice in this day of predators.

    I second (or is it 3rd) in giving a donation of clothes to the school if they have a food/clothes bank. Let the guidance counselor handle the process. She/he is probably in a better position to know the story in the family (if there is one).

    There are so many ways to help people in your community, but inserting yourself into the situation, when you are merely guessing at the circumstances is not helpful.


    Police no. You would see me knocking at your door if it was my kid.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    unless she asks for help, stay out.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    OP, if you see her every day, maybe you could you, wave at her or say hello. Eventually have conversations with her - learn about her. I think it's great to have a healthy dose of concern for those around us, but it's very possible you are making something out of nothing at all and that your "help" would harm.
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
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    All I hear when I read this is someone bragging that they send their kid to private school and the poor public school kid doesn't meet up to my standards.

    You have no clue of her situation and if you want to help out give money to the community, donate clothes and food to a pantry.
  • Awesomers
    Awesomers Posts: 144 Member
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    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. The last 3 years, she actually wore a hoodie to school every day (we live in Florida -- it is NEVER hoodie weather). She is also an introvert and is very shy (until she gets to know people). I was worried people would think she was being abused because she was always so covered up. She was self-conscious about her developing body. This year, she has finally shed the hoodie but loves those dang shorts. OP, I think your heart is in the right place but I don't think that it's fair to assume she is poor based on how she dresses.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
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    When I was a middle-schooler, I wore a pair of orange and brown 1970s plaid ultra wide bell bottoms 2-3 days a week with a tan embroidered 1970s t-shirt. I was easily 10 years out of style compared to the other kids who wore their hair in pompom poodle cuts with all the neon. I wore my hair straight and stringy and in my face most of the time until my mother took me to a hairdresser and forced me to get a spiral perm. Then, I looked like a 1970s Annie disco dancer and believed I totally rocked the look. That phase lasted a full year, and then I had a couple years of sane clothes.

    But in high school, 11th grade, I went back to my own style. I wore all black spandex, a huge cowboy hat and a cross around my neck the size of a dinner plate. We won't really talk about the giant boots I wore to school when all the other girls were wearing those Sam & Libby ballet flats with the bow on the toe. I owned 3 pair of those that Mom ended up giving to the church. She couldn't win.

    Senior year, I decided I wanted boys to actually talk to me, so I started wearing normal stuff.

    I had a couple concerned teachers try to buy me clothes.

    Point is, That girl in the jean capris and Doc Martins very well could have been me.
  • a67penguin
    a67penguin Posts: 1 Member
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    While I don't live in Hawaii, I would be surprised if the school isn't already aware of it as teachers and other school personnel in today's world are versed in taking action quickly about bullying and other issues involving kids and their interactions at school. And if not, I'm sure other parents have noticed and commented. This child may be special education, poor, or as many others noted here, doesn't want to wear other types of clothing. If it were me, I would call the school office and describe what you've seen (unkempt kid walking to school), what your concerns are, ask if there's anything you could do such as provide a clothing donation, and then leave it at that. You've done all you can do.
  • thaatgurl
    thaatgurl Posts: 26 Member
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    Buy the girl an outfit, put it in a gift bag, and give it to her. It's not creepy and you'll make her day. If you're heart hurts, do something about it. Saying you care isn't enough. One act of kindness could be the sunshine in this girl's otherwise cloudy life.
  • swimmermama
    swimmermama Posts: 526 Member
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    OP, if you see her every day, maybe you could you, wave at her or say hello. Eventually have conversations with her - learn about her. I think it's great to have a healthy dose of concern for those around us, but it's very possible you are making something out of nothing at all and that your "help" would harm.

    This would be my suggestion as well.

    And OP, I think you are a wonderful person for being concerned about this girl. Do NOT mind your own business. Youth well-being is everyone's business!
  • ink_b1tch
    ink_b1tch Posts: 101
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    I have been in that situation, where I really could not get my kids new clothes. The school had a program; they simply called the parents and asked if they needed anything this year to also include winter jackets. If you did not need, you simply said no, if you did then you say yes and give them sizes of the kids. This worked wonderfully. They did this each year at beginning of school and again at Christmas. Hope this helps a bit on the debate about the school, I would lay money they already have a program in place.

    To those who think not helping or saying to stay out of it or mind you own business. What if a simple act of kindness changes this girl’s world or perspective about life? Maybe she is homeless, maybe she has mental issues, and maybe she is alone, maybe she just being a kid. The school would know, most school stay on top of the kids "environment".

    Pay it forward, don’t be discouraged because the kid might want to look like that or you might embarrass her. Paying it forward has never really harmed anyone. Stop a kid you do know, and ask about her. But I would encourage talking to school. Simply state that you noticed "blah blah" and you were curious as to the child’s situation. The school will not broadcast the inquiry.

    Kindness, hope, and love are what keeps us moving forward and separates us from the rest of the mammals.
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
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    Buy the girl an outfit, put it in a gift bag, and give it to her. It's not creepy and you'll make her day. If you're heart hurts, do something about it. Saying you care isn't enough. One act of kindness could be the sunshine in this girl's otherwise cloudy life.

    Do you have children? I understand where your heart is, but this woman does not know this girl's situation. What if the girl thinks she looks really good (as ALL teenagers do) and this upsets her? What if the parents see the new clothes and you have to go through the questioning of your motives?

    Donations to the school (for NO particular student) is a much better plan.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
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    That's a good idea. Maybe I can send an email to a guidance counselor or principal. I of course don't know her name or grade but I can describe what she wears and about what time she gets to school each day, I'm sure she would be pretty easy to spot.

    I told my husband if I wouldn't get arrested for kidnapping I'd take her to Ross after school & buy her a few pairs of pants and tell her you don't have to tell your mom and dad who bought them for you just a gift.

    Good for you for wanting to help. Most people would ignore it but buying a kid something then telling them they don't have to tell their parents would be bad. That's how pedophiles groom children for abuse. Not saying you are one just saying it's not a good message for a child.

    If she walks she probably lives close by. Maybe you could try to figure out where her house is and leave a bag of new clothes on the door step or an envelope with a note and a gift card to a clothing store.

    Talking to the school might help too. They could probably also refer her family to an organization that can help them. However, don't be too surprised if they don't. There was a 6 year old boy in my neighborhood walking to school alone every day last year. I talked to the school about this telling them I was concerned for his safety and they said there was nothing they could do.
  • iplayoutside19
    iplayoutside19 Posts: 2,304 Member
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    unless she asks for help, stay out.


    Disagree. Not doing anything where you perceive a problem because "its' none of your business" is part of what's wrong with society.

    90% of communication is body language. If you deal with kids a lot you can just tell some thing is up. Maybe it's some thing as simple as they just need some one to talk to. Maybe nothing is wrong and they just like being the way they are. Maybe they actually need some more clothes. You don't know until you ask. So, I would make some inquiries at the school, the staff at the school usually knows who needs that type of help and who doesn't. It breaks their heart too.
  • ink_b1tch
    ink_b1tch Posts: 101
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    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

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