Mom is bringing me down

TasteofEnvy

My mother has ALWAYS called me fat... even when I was actually a healthy weight in high school I was still "too big for any guy to find me attractive" (which I know wasn't true at all, considering quite a few guys had asked me out). But it still got to me. I always thought I was fat....

... now looking back i realize I wasn't overweight and really wish I could go back to being that size. **** happened and I gained lots of weight. Well I've been working hard and trying to lose it. Of course, during this time mom was even more ruthless towards me.

So here I am, now losing weight right? My pants are way too big on me, I'm on the last notch of my belt... I'm actually making progress. My mom, however, is being really insensitive.... and I can't tell if she's doing it on purpose or not.

Whenever I go over to her house she offers me some of her "fat" clothes (and yes, she does call them that and say it that way to my face). It's really hurtful and I've tried telling her that... and she says I'm being too sensitive.
And sometimes, ya know, she sends me clothes that would "look cute on me" or "they would fit me just right".... she always buys me xl or xxl.... so they're huge on me. I try explaining to her that (shirt/jacket wise) I can fit into a medium. .... but she never listens. I feel like she's indirectly reminding me that I'll always be "fat" in her eyes....

Idk it just really hurts and makes me mad. Today my mom sent me a really cute jacket, and of course it's huge on me (it's xl). I'm trying really hard to think "oh you know she was trying to be nice, she was thinking of me" .... but then i just get really angry cuz it's like I just want to scream at her "STOP GETTING ME BIG CLOTHES! YOU KNOW I'M NOT THAT BIG".... idk. It's just stating to get to me....

emdeesea

I think you need to break off your relationship with your mother as soon as you can.

usmcmp

How old are you? Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate how she treats you and that if she continues to do all those things (sending you clothes that are too big and calling you fat) that you will have to stop communicating with her. Then follow through.

WickedPineapple

Donate all the big clothes she's given you and tell her to stop buying you clothes.

ren_ascent

It's an unhealthy relationship that is hurting you. Be straightforward one last time. Tell her how it makes you feel and give her an ultimatum. Tell her the topic is closed and when she brings it up shut down the conversation and leave. Send her "gifts" back to her noting the incorrect size. You have to train people, it's not just for animals. Hopefully if you stick to your guns and make a habit of not making yourself available to her abuse you'll get the results you want. Either that or it will further disintegrate an already damaged relationship.

yopeeps025

How old are you? Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate how she treats you and that if she continues to do all those things (sending you clothes that are too big and calling you fat) that you will have to stop communicating with her. Then follow through.

This OP

ren_ascent

How old are you? Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate how she treats you and that if she continues to do all those things (sending you clothes that are too big and calling you fat) that you will have to stop communicating with her. Then follow through.

Yeah, what he said!

goodfido

You have every right to be upset with her....I know I would! As another poster suggested I would sit her down and have a heart to heart with her and let her know how you're feeling. If she still doesn't respect you and continues with her hurtful words I'd distance myself from her.

misschoueke

Dude I'm sorry this is all happening. I'm 23 and had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up. She was pretty verbally abusive.

My advice is don't listen and get out of the house and into college as fast as you can. Sleep over at friends houses as much as possible.

Sometimes trying to change people doesn't work. Try as hard as you can to be happy and brush it off because she obviously cray.

TasteofEnvy

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

yopeeps025

How old are you? Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate how she treats you and that if she continues to do all those things (sending you clothes that are too big and calling you fat) that you will have to stop communicating with her. Then follow through.

Yeah, what he said!

She is not a dude.

So_Much_Fab

Sorry to hear that your mom is being so...well...cruel. I couldn't begin to speculate why. But the good news is that you don't live with her and you can set up some healthy boundaries. Consider the scenarios below next time mom pipes up:

Mom: Here, take some of my fat clothes.

You: No thanks, mom...they're too big for me.

Mom: What do you mean they're too big? They'll fit! Look how big you are...blah blah blah...

You: Mom, I'm not fat and I don't appreciate you saying that all of the time.

Mom: Yes you ARE fat! Just look at you! Blah blah blah...

You: Mom, you're entitled to your opinion but I'm tired of you belittling me regarding my weight.

Mom: Well I wouldn't say anything if you weren't so fat blah blah blah...you're just too sensitive blah blah blah..

You: Well mom, you know how I feel. If you're going to keep talking about my weight I'm just going to head out.

Mom: You're being ridiculous! Blah blah blah.

You: Bye mom *walks out door*.

Lather, rinse, and repeat until she knows you mean business. And when she mails you fat clothes? Simply drop 'em off at her place or donate them.

TeachTheGirl

I do not have a good relationship with my mother for very similar reasons. My mother would put me up in front of my sister and point out my flaws so my sister would feel better about herself. It's behavior I plan to never repeat with my own children.

I can tell you that with distance and time, the hurt does fade but you will remember the words and comments. You need to find a way to make peace with her insensitivity.

yopeeps025

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

My suggestion is get to your weight goal so she can final stop talking. Use her negativity and prove her wrong.

SaintGiff

Is it too soon for the "Yeah but when your mom...." jokes?

keshabbaker

You can show her better than you can tell her. Do not except any of her clothing gifts anymore she is doing this on purpose and it sounds really hurtful. She knows this is bothering you and she still sends you items that are to big that is an insult and she knows that. Send them back every time she sends you something with a note like the other poster said, this is too big thanks but no thanks mom.

jemhh

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

I think your last line answers it. You are fooling yourself. She is not trying to be nice or helpful. She's rude and hurtful and does it because having the power to make you feel crappy makes her feel good. Don't make excuses for her and stop trying to get her approval because it's not going to happen. You need to either step back from the relationship or be like Teflon and let whatever she slings at you slide off. It sucks but it's better to start sooner rather than later. Good luck, OP.

k8161819

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I have to admit that my mother had always been very supportive of me, but she was the only one. I had a grand-mother that I was really close to that used to call me fat all the time, and when I finally talked to her to tell her how I felt, she stopped telling how fat I was directly, but still got the kicks in somewhere else. She would always say "you have such a pretty face, if only your body was the same way" and then whenever she would see someone that was overweight, or morbidly obese she would say "oh, doesn't that remind me of you". The only way I could get past it was having to take her out of my life. I can't even imagine the struggles you are going through with this being your mom. Not so easy to cut her out of your life. If you ever need to talk to someone I'm on here a lot and you can add me as a friend. Stay in there, and keep it up. It seems like you are on the right track with your weight loss so far!

emdeesea

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And they only change if they want to.

This is a case of telling your mother straight up: Knock your crap off. If you don't, I'm walking out. And then actually do it.

You can still have something of a relationship with her, just call her on her behavior and hold her to it. Anytime she starts her crap, walk out. Consistency. Eventually she'll get the message or she won't. But if you're putting up with it, that's on you.

JoRocka

Have a sit down with her- and tell her. You're a grown adult- and I know parents can make you feel small again- but you ARE A GROWN *kitten* WOMAN. Don't let her treat you like a child.

Have a sit down. Tell her you aren't going to put up with it any more.

It might get better for a few days.

When it gets worse

"You're fat"

You know mom- in your eyes apparently I'll always be fat- but at least I won't be remembered as the nasty woman who verbally abused her kid.

and walk out. And stand fast to that.

JingleMuffin

First- I am so sorry to hear this-- your mom must have some other issue that you unfortunately have gotten roped into.

Her words and actions show there is something dark inside her own self and she projecting it onto you.

If it were me-- I'd wear a whole outfit she sent me to a Christmas/thanksgiving get together and wait for someone to say something about how super huge it is on you.

Good for you for getting yourself in gear. Her body image issues wont be past down beyond you.

ValGogo

Your mom is horrible.

There is no rule, NO RULE that says you have to put up with any abuse from your parents. Remember that.

A_Dabauer

Relationships with our parents are always difficult especially when weight is a factor. I feel like my mother loves me less when I'm fat, and that when I'm skinny she's irrationally proud of the fact. But she never does any of the **** your mom is pulling

I'm very sorry to hear you are having to deal with this, my advice, is similar to some of the other posters. Shut down all talk about weight. Tell her you can buy your own clothes. IF YOU WANT to CONTINUE having a relationship with your mother, which it sounds like you do, you need to stop giving her the power to hurt you. Some of that is avoiding situations where she can hurt you with her negative behavior and some of it is realizing that regardless of her behavior, and attitude you are beautiful, fantastic person at your current size (not your goal size) just how you are now! Love yourself!

Moms will always have a certain amount power over us with their words and actions but I hope you find your way through this difficult situation.

Best of luck!

michelegreen99

I'm sorry your mom is so cruel and unsupportive. Clearly, she has her own issues that she is projecting on you, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. Your mom should be your biggest champion and that fact that she isn't, is very sad.

That being said, someone once told me, "you teach people how to treat you". At first I didn't quite get it but as I've gotten older, I think I've figured it out. If you let someone treat you like crap, they will continue because they know they can get away with it, it makes them feel better about themselves, this is how they were taught when they were younger, etc. Whatever, the reason is immaterial. What is important is how you react.

Let go of those things that do not support the person you want to be. Sadly, that may include your own mom. But you have to ask yourself, what do you get out of the relationship if all she does is bring you down and make you feel less than?? Find a friend who can play the role your mom is clearly not capable of...your biggest supporter, you wise friend, your trusted ally that has your back no matter what.

I speak from experience because I had to let go of my mom years ago. I have two women in my life going on 30 years who have been my biggest champions and have my back, no matter what. They mean the world all the more to me because I'm not their daughter by birth but they treat me like a mother should treat their kid. I am blessed!

Good luck and choose the good you deserve. You are worth it!

M-

Bella0531

Ask her to start sending the receipts with the clothing so that you can take it back and actually get a size that fits.

jasonmh630

Dude I'm sorry this is all happening. I'm 23 and had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up. She was pretty verbally abusive.

My advice is don't listen and get out of the house and into college as fast as you can. Sleep over at friends houses as much as possible.

Sometimes trying to change people doesn't work. Try as hard as you can to be happy and brush it off because she obviously cray.

:flowerforyou: :drinker:

ValGogo

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

I don't have kids and that makes me sad, but I would never, ever call my kid fat or ugly or anything.

Look, I get it. My mom is a pill. I had spent wayyy to many years trying to change something that won't change. I'm 46 now and I wish I had stopped 20 years ago.

She is NOT going to change, ever, unless you change first. And when I say change I mean you need to make changes that will keep you from being her punching bag. And even then, she may not come around. I honestly don't know why some people have kids.

She may stop when you show that you are not going to put up with anything. Send the stuff back. Trust me, she's not goign to die. And she may try to cut you off, not talk to you, cry to manipulate your feelings or get other people involved. I've seen it all.

sljohnson1207

(1) I'm sorry that this is happening. You are a worthwhile person, and deserve better. Believe it now.

(2) Just because it's your mother, doesn't mean she isn't behaving like a toxic person, and needing to be removed from your life.

(3) Work out what you are going to say to her, and actually say it....ONCE. Then follow through with action the next time she belittles you, and any other time after that.

(4) Don't allow that to go on too long before you completely rid yourself of your mother's toxic behavior, and unfortunately, your relationship with your mother.

(5) Love yourself. What she says has EVERYTHING to do with HER (read as her issue), and NOTHING to do with YOU (read as not your issue).

(6) Do not allow other people in your life to treat you this way, even if on a different subject, and not just verbal abuse, but don't accept physical abuse either.

<<<cyberhugs>>>

dopeysmelly

22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And they only change if they want to.

This is a case of telling your mother straight up: Knock your crap off. If you don't, I'm walking out. And then actually do it.

You can still have something of a relationship with her, just call her on her behavior and hold her to it. Anytime she starts her crap, walk out. Consistency. Eventually she'll get the message or she won't. But if you're putting up with it, that's on you.

Absolutely this. My relationship with my Mom is much, much better since I called her out on talking about my weight about 6 years ago. I said it straight, that if she mentioned my weight once I was out of the door and would not talk to her. I paid for her and my Dad to have a long weekend with me while I was on a business trip to Europe, and I warned her that I was perfectly willing to pay to send her straight back home early. We get along just fine now and she doesn't share her comments with me. It's possible she has little venomous discussions with my sister, but I couldn't care less.

lawkat

I know you want to try and understand where she is coming from, but have you asked her why she does and say the things she does? Is there something in her past that makes her behave that? I know why my mother will say and do things, but I have learned how not get upset and set my boundaries with her.

You shouldn't expect your relationship to be something that you want it be. It won't happen. All you can do, is tell her how you feel, maybe ask her why she forces the clothing on you and just say no to the clothes. If you continue to say no, she will eventually stop (hopefully).

VelveteenArabian

Mail her a dog collar and leash and tell her you thought she might like some new b**** clothes.

Send the clothes back whenever she sends them. If she starts it up in person, LEAVE. Just being your mother doesn't give her the right to disrespect you and doesn't obligate you to take it. She will continue as long as you continue to allow it.