Mom is bringing me down
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Threaten to cut her out of your life.
Just tell her if you can't respect me and cut out this **** I refuse to talk with you anymore.
Walk out the door. This is not a healthy relationship and you don't need this ****.
If this was someone else you tell would've told the person off. Time to pretend she's not your mom and just tell her off.0 -
My grandmother was exactly the same way with me. I got down to a size 2 and was actually too thin for my body frame once. She wanted to have a photo taken with my mom, my daughter, me and her. She told me to stand in the back so that my fat thighs would not be showing in the photo. She then got mad because I would not smile in the photo, I was so hurt that I would never be good enough for her. Sadly I was her favorite. I cannot imagine how she treated everyone else.
My daughter is a large girl, she has chosen to not eat healthy and since she is 18 I have no say. I try to set a good example and be supportive. That is all I can do. Being critical does nothing but bring others down.
I may not ever be thin but I certainly will be healthy and that is enough for me0 -
I can't imagine having to deal with this. I'm sad you have such a toxic mother and you're trying to be nice to her even though she puts you down like this.Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...
I guess my suggestion would be to tell her straight out what she is doing is putting you down. Make it super clear to her. Try to get the conversation to the point where she realizes it. Then tell her if she continues to do that you can't be around her. So then if she reverts to this kind of behavior, remind her you aren't going to put up with that anymore, walk out/hang up the phone.
I'm imagining she would come back appologetic and it would all start over again though and if it did maybe give her an ultimatum that she see a therapist if she wants to have a relationship because of this cycle you guys are going through doesn't seem be be improving.
I pretty much agree with the therapist that you should just cut her off, but if you really want to try to mend things, those are my two cents. Good luck.0 -
Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there.
Baloney. It works great. And once the idiot is gone, the issue is gone with them.
I am a firm believer in not forgiving people when their behavior calls for it. This "forgiveness is divine" thought is crap.
You give her a couple of chances to straighten out her behavior then cut ties. She can live with her toxic self on her own.
I've got a few toxic relatives who I've cut ties with. I don't have time to deal with their narcissistic and sociopathic BS. It's not my problem and life is too short.0 -
I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there. And you're not going to resolve it 100%, either, by confronting it over and over again. Families don't work that way. The best you can do is improve the relationship and manage it without letting the problems get too extreme.
I think the minute i got taken in to care and a judge rules my mother as unfit parent i have every right to cut her out of my life. If this was a friend and not a blood relative more people would say walk away. Just because I share the same DNA with another person does not mean I have to have a relationship with them.0 -
Well, I can say that I'm proud of you! What a change you've made - your picture looks great and your ticker is amazing! I'm so sorry you aren't given the support you deserve from your parents, but take pride in yourself every day that you've risen above it. It's not easy and it's never over; scars and memories will always be there, but they don't have to define you. YOU define you and YOU make yourself happy. Good job!I feel your pain! My mother has always been passive aggressive about my weight & my father was always extremely verbal (to the point where he is downright nasty) about my weight. It's hard to ignore the comments, because this is your family - the people who are supposed to love you for you!
Recently, my mother started losing weight. When I complimented her on her weight loss, she was so proud and said that she lost 40 lbs. I told her how amazing that was, but she never made any comments about my weight loss. When I told her that I had gotten down into a size 10 pant, all she had to say was "Well, I'm in a size 8". No encouragement whatsoever, it just seemed like she was trying to compete with me. She's always been negative about overweight people because she was also an overweight child. One time when she was giving me a hard time, I told her I was fat because it's in my genes - that she was overweight when she was young, too. Her response - "I was never as big as you are". SO hurtful.
I'm doing my best to ignore these mean and unsupportive comments, but it's easier said that done.
I wish you the best of luck in this journey! Congrats on all your success so far!0 -
Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...
If you were not quite right in the head, maybe you couldn't stand it. But a good mother would WANT her daughter to protect herself.
Pretend there is a zombie epidemic going around. Good, mentally-healthy, loving mothers tell their children to kill them if they get bitten, to save themselves. A stable mother would not worry about how bad SHE'LL feel if her children run away from her , she's not worried that she'll be hungry if they run away, she's worried about her kids. So, pretend your mom is a zombie (and keep in mind that treatment like this can be contagious, as much as abuse victims hate it, they often in turn abuse their own kids). She won't kill you or eat you, but she's going to make you feel bad. She's going to make your life worse. Doing that gives her something she needs.
I'm really sorry. 22 is so young, it's so tough to have to deal with this at an age when other girls have the support and help of their mothers to learn to navigate adult life. Your mom is making things harder. You deserve better.
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ToE,
So sorry to hear about the backhanded and not so subtle insults from mom. She may even think she means well. Evenso, you have set some limits with family, even mom. If you're on otherwise good ground besides the weight comment, maybe you could make it clear that you can't spend time with her until she treats you respectfully. Tell her this in love, but you must stand up for yourself.
One of the best books I've read on family relationships is Boundaries. It also applies to friendships, marriage, work, etc.
I recommend reading and then passing it to your mom.
This is the edition I read/have. I think there is a newer edition, if you prefer. Might even be an easy library check out.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Paperback/dp/B0083IUP5G/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1411410710&sr=8-14&keywords=boundaries0 -
I think you need to break off your relationship with your mother as soon as you can.
This is the best advice I can think of as well.0 -
She used to be really really obese when she was in high school... .but I mean like almost 300 pounds. She's like 140 now I think. So idk if her being bullied as a kid made her crazy and angsty towards me or something...does your mom see herself as fat too? if you fit a medium and she sees you as an xxl she might have some issues.... like the kind people with eating disorders have...
not making excuses but it just red flags me...
i dont know how to make moms stop fat shaming, my mom has been doing it to a lesser degree since junior high school.
thats exactly what i expected you to say. she is projecting her issues onto you and probably has her fat goggles on... sees fat where it does not exist. she may even have an eating disorder herself and is projecting that on you too. she probably needs help but it isnt your job to give it to her. if she makes you feel like ****, and has few redeeming qualities... limit your exposure to her. you dont have to cut her out but you dont have to go out of your way either, because she sounds like she wont help you be a confident adult. but you know that, or you wouldnt have asked.0 -
22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?
OP
Giving my parents a time out from 2007 - 2009 was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life but I would do it again in a heart beat. My mother is very much like your mother telling me how I'm too sensitive etc, etc. I'm fat, I'm chubby, I dress like a slob whatever. If I tried to call her out on her BS it was MY issue because I either couldn't handle a joke or I'm too sensitive.
Pretty much she wouldn't take responsibility for her hurtful words. This isn't really what made me give my parents a time out but it's one of the reasons.
Since we reconciled in 2009 our relationship has significantly improved. It's not perfect but it's way better. I don't think I could have finally been where I am today without having have done this.0 -
22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?
There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse. Let her know that your perspective is the one that matters to you here and whether or not she cares how you feel about it, you WILL do what you have to do in order to protect yourself from her.
I cut my mom off for three years once. It was tough and the rest of the family didn't make it easy on me, but I wouldn't trade it for the world because we now have a close, happy, adult relationship. Some people just won't change unless you force them to. You don't "fix" a relationship by knowingly insulting the other person - she's not trying very hard, if at all.0 -
<deleted reply to troll>0
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I'm so sorry.
Since I'm kind of a *kitten*, I'd probably send her your "fat clothes" and ask he if she wants them because they are too big for you now.0 -
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
Lol if this is a normal mother/daughter relationship to you, then I am very sorry for you.0 -
Are the clothes brand new, with price tags still on them?? I would take them back and get clothes that actually fit. If not, then I would give them away to someone that would be able to use them.
As far as your relationship with your mom, I think a time out from her would be good for you. Only see her when you absolutely have to see her.0 -
Step One: Thank her for allowing you to donate those clothes to charity. Emphasize that it was the only way you could use them without returning them to her as they were big enough for four of you to get inside. Don't forget to take the tax deduction which she is kind enough to give you (sarcasm here) but emphasize with exaggeration how much you appreciate her doing you this small favor and ask if she has anymore clothes you can donate.
Step Two: No contact for about three weeks. Should take her that long to cool off.
Step Three: Take the tax deduction after donating the clothing.
Step Four: Use any refund to go do something you like.
Step Five: Relax in sunny place with happy thoughts that you are ahead in this mind game.
Its Monday and I am rally sarcastic on Mondays. But the above is a plan that will directly benefit you.0 -
OP, your post made me sad, as I cannot imagine my own mother treating me this way. Mothers are by no means perfect, but they aren't supposed to be abusive. You are incredibly young, and I know you want to believe she'll change and you can have a great relationship, but the chances of that happening are slim to none. Great job by you on seeing a therapist. Continue building yourself up and getting yourself where you need to be mentally, and cut mother out.You cannot be happy when someone is constantly berating you and verbally abusing you.
If she isn't adding anything positive to your life, or even if she is, it's not worth it. And it doesn't sound like she is.
You don't want to look back years down the line, when your self esteem is even further in the gutter, and wish you had done it sooner. Do it now, and continue to work on yourself while you still have some self respect.
You do not owe this woman anything. You gave her the chance to "repair the damage" and she has only continued to make it worse.
It's ok to break off toxic relationships, it doesn't matter who it is. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Ever.0 -
There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse
I want to write up a big long post about gas-lighting. I mentioned i earlier- but it may have gotten rolled into a TL;DR post LOL.
Perhaps it might do some people good to read about it- it's a really horrible way to have to live- and I am willing to bet that almost everyone has suffered at the hands of someone like that.0 -
22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?
There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse.
This is exactly what NPD people do. This is exactly what my mother does. She'll say something, then deny she ever said it, with a straight face, when I and sixty other people in the room know what she said. I spent nearly all of my life thinking that I was absolutely bats**t crazy because I would hear things she said and observe what she did and she'd spin it so that she said I was imagining things. If you live with that for years and years, you eventually begin thinking that you ARE crazy.
It is the worst form of abuse imaginable. It borders on absolute cruelty. I have spent decades in therapy trying to recover from it.
People have hesitancy "cutting off" their parents because - well, they're your parents, without them you wouldn't be here, right? But the fact is that you do not owe anyone your sanity - not even your parents.
If you can't have no contact with your mom, do what I do - as little contact as humanly possible. I've managed to reduce it to a 5 minute a day phone call where she talks and I just go, "uhhuh, uhhuh" until she exhausts herself.
Yeah, it's sad. Yeah, I wish my mother had been different, every day I wish that. But I can't change who she is. I try to remind myself of that, because she can still push my buttons, after all, she's the one that installed them. But....
- I can't change her.
- I can't cure her.
- I can't control her.
Only you, OP, know whether or not your mother is toxic enough so that you need to cut her off. But if you feel you have to - do it. Life is too short to go through this *kitten*.
Good luck.0 -
There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse
I want to write up a big long post about gas-lighting. I mentioned i earlier- but it may have gotten rolled into a TL;DR post LOL.
Perhaps it might do some people good to read about it- it's a really horrible way to have to live- and I am willing to bet that almost everyone has suffered at the hands of someone like that.
Lol. Your post was TL;DR, but I knew since it was coming from you it was a good one so I just hoped OP read it lol0 -
Reading your post just sums up my relationship with my mum too, when she's angry or cross even at an inanimate object its FAT, she belittled me at the weekend when I told her I'd lost 1lb this week and told me that maybe I am just meant to be FAT! I was so hurt and we were at the gym and in public.....so I walked off and had my workout. Later in the changing room I told her that I would t stand her talking to me like that, I certainly wouldn't let anyone else talk to me in that way!
My worst mum time was when she was cleaning out her drawer whilst I was round there for tea, she found last years diary.......opened it up and on the last page she had written wishes for the year: Jane to not be fat and to find a man!' When I said this upset me she said it did her too because I hadn't lost enough and she thinks I do it to spite her!!!! Honestly!!!!!!
So we haven't spoken in over 24 hours which is very rare.....I'm not giving in.....0 -
There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse
I want to write up a big long post about gas-lighting. I mentioned i earlier- but it may have gotten rolled into a TL;DR post LOL.
Perhaps it might do some people good to read about it- it's a really horrible way to have to live- and I am willing to bet that almost everyone has suffered at the hands of someone like that.
Lol. Your post was TL;DR, but I knew since it was coming from you it was a good one so I just hoped OP read it lol
Lol hopefully someone read it- I type to much- and I totally know it.
I click post and I'm like- dam(t that's WAY to long LMAO.
Ah well!!!
all we really need to know is : gas lighting- BAD
toxic people = bad
cut them out.
LOL0 -
Just break up.0
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There's a term for that, it's called "gaslighting". Where you treat someone badly and then convince them they're just nuts for thinking you're treating them badly. It's actually a thoroughly common form of abuse
I want to write up a big long post about gas-lighting. I mentioned i earlier- but it may have gotten rolled into a TL;DR post LOL.
Perhaps it might do some people good to read about it- it's a really horrible way to have to live- and I am willing to bet that almost everyone has suffered at the hands of someone like that.
Lol. Your post was TL;DR, but I knew since it was coming from you it was a good one so I just hoped OP read it lol
Lol hopefully someone read it- I type to much- and I totally know it.
I click post and I'm like- dam(t that's WAY to long LMAO.
Ah well!!!
all we really need to know is : gas lighting- BAD
toxic people = bad
cut them out.
LOL
Lol nothing wrong with it! You got your point across i'm sure :P:drinker:0 -
Some people should just not pro-create. I can't believe people can be such toxic *kitten* and *****es to their own flesh and blood.
Cut her off. Let her deal with her issues on her own - not use you as a punching bag.0 -
Reading your post just sums up my relationship with my mum too, when she's angry or cross even at an inanimate object its FAT, she belittled me at the weekend when I told her I'd lost 1lb this week and told me that maybe I am just meant to be FAT! I was so hurt and we were at the gym and in public.....so I walked off and had my workout. Later in the changing room I told her that I would t stand her talking to me like that, I certainly wouldn't let anyone else talk to me in that way!
My worst mum time was when she was cleaning out her drawer whilst I was round there for tea, she found last years diary.......opened it up and on the last page she had written wishes for the year: Jane to not be fat and to find a man!' When I said this upset me she said it did her too because I hadn't lost enough and she thinks I do it to spite her!!!! Honestly!!!!!!
So we haven't spoken in over 24 hours which is very rare.....I'm not giving in.....
First, That's awful!
Second, I wish tea time was a custom in America. Totally jealous!
Third, don't cave.0 -
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Your number one motivation and your so pretty
everyone on here is my motivation:happy:
What the hell? NO!! Creep!:indifferent: :noway: :grumble:
aww your so sweet .. add me as a friend lets chat , since my mom dont talk to me cause im fat
If It helps I think your skinny!its ok my mom calls me fat too. i think im just right but my mom calls me a fat a**
:huh: :huh: :huh:
Troll status = amateur
LOL
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