I dont know were this is headed anymore

Leonidas_meets_Spartacus

Multiple threads of insecurity. Break up and let the guy enjoy his life.

CReed_3

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months. I know it has not been that long but when we first met I couldnt stop smiling. So perfect in every sense. Own house, job, sweet, caring and emotionally there for me. I didint technically move in with him but since the first day we met I have been with him everynight. At first sex, laughing and conversation in general was amazing. But now.. We still have great sex, laugh and conversation but theres just something I cant kick.

Is there really or are you just being a woman and making situations up in your head? We all do it.

A)Feelings that are still there for his ex Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.

Does he actually have feelings for his ex, or are you being paranoid because he said he thinks about her sometimes...which is normal. Cooking and cleaning for someone isn't going to make them any more or less in love with you. You need to rethink what how you think love works. If you're doing groceries together I'm sure he's being a gentleman and paying not because you can't but because he wants to and acknowledges it's for both of you. Does he actually seem angry, or is he not constantly talking so you think he's angry? Perhaps he's stressing about things completely unrelated to you?

I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships. I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......

You LIKE him a lot? Your last thread spoke of love, now it's like? Maybe you need to get yourself together because you don't really seem to know where you are mentally and emotionally. So you miss being on your own, doing stuff on your own...is he stopping you from it, or do you stay home because you think you have to? I have to ask, how old are you? I'm just curious because your mentality when it comes to relationships seems somewhat...young. Being in a relationship doesn't mean to stop being your own person and doing your own things. Unless you have a different structure like D/s or M/s where you've agreed to do what the D/M say, then you can do things on your own. Even in most D/s relationship, the sub does her own things sometimes. It's healthy. You don't stop being an individual when you have a bf/gf, you need to realize and work on that.

I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?

95% of the time when a man says something they mean it. Biologically and psychologically, men differ from women. They're more straight forward, it's just how they're wired. If he didn't love you...he wouldn't say it. Obviously we don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but from what you're telling us...you're extremely insecure. Perhaps you're self sabotaging because you're scared that you'll get hurt? He seems to be a decent guy and yet you're projecting things that may not be there onto him.

Try to keep this in mind...

Men don't talk about their issues like women do, they often close themselves off and think of a solution. That makes them seem distant sometimes.

Men like having alone time. Maybe he wants you to go out and do your own things sometimes so he can have time to himself, but he can't say it nicely because he's sure you'll take it as him not wanting you anymore (going back to your previous outburst over his ex honesty)

Men don't feel the need to constantly fill the void of silence and they shouldn't have to. It's ok to go through phases where you just want quiet.

You seem to be suffocating him. You want space but aren't giving it. Go out, make friends, have coffee alone. He needs space and so do you. A healthy relationship is one where you've got TWO functioning INDIVIDUALS.

Could not have said this better myself. Stand up for yourself as an individual. Sounds a tish whiny to me, like you are just looking for people to listen to you (yes, I know I'm enabling) and you already know what you want to do so do just whatever that is and let the poor man be and all of us.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

honestly, I think you need to sit down, face-to-face and talk this all out. This seems like something the 2 of you need to be discussing.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Has anyone suggested a good therapist?

You have issues you need to work out OP, and they have nothing to do with if this guy likes you. Take a step back from this relationship, regain your identity, work to solidify your financial footing, stop being his maid, invite him to your apartment. Talk to a therapist about why being alone is difficult and why you are so concerned with not being able to read him. Talk about if you are projecting anger.

Or just break up.

The end.

yopeeps025

Dude, it's been three months and you already have problems that other couples have after a few years.

Just move on. And the next time you meet a dude you like, don't become his housekeeper.

Ladies love being the maid though. LOL

WUT?

I change my statement to clingy ladies who need reason to be around like to clean. I don't know why. I do not like to becomes someone's world.

I don't think they are related at all.

I love to cook. I'll cook for everyone and anyone. That doesn't make me clingy.

Some women love to clean. Some women were raised thinking that it's their job. Some women just don't want to live in a dirty bachelor pad. That doesn't mean they are clingy.

Activities aren't always prescriptive.

True but I also know women that want to be with the guy and if his place is dirty then she will not come over. Then the guy rushes to clean his pad in personal record time.

That scenario has absolutely nothing to do with your comment.

Also, wanting to come over to a place that isn't filthy =/= clingy.

I apologize for the first comment. i thought it was a joke since this is the fun thread. My second comment on clingy ladies always cleaning is what I notice when I see someone cling to me or a friend way too quick. Sorry I am not sorry.

Jessica_Eve

Wait... 3 months? I feel like that's just getting to exclusive/seious dating time frame, not live together upheaval of your life time frame. But perhaps that's just me.

Lauren8239

This is how co dependent abusive relationships start.

You know something is wrong but you hang in there.

Why would anyone want to be with someone that is angry most of the time?

Seriously, go to your house and if he wants to be with you, he will show up there.

I'd be angry too if someone was in my face 24/7. Somehow I don't think he's the problem.

JojoW8183

Has anyone suggested a good therapist?

You have issues you need to work out OP, and they have nothing to do with if this guy likes you. Take a step back from this relationship, regain your identity, work to solidify your financial footing, stop being his maid, invite him to your apartment. Talk to a therapist about why being alone is difficult and why you are so concerned with not being able to read him. Talk about if you are projecting anger.

Or just break up.

The end.

+1. You need to work on your insecurities, self esteem issues (maybe even damage from prior abusive relationships?). Having slight insecurities is human, but when they affect your life the way yours clearly are, they're not minor.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

Dude, it's been three months and you already have problems that other couples have after a few years.

Just move on. And the next time you meet a dude you like, don't become his housekeeper.

Ladies love being the maid though. LOL

we do? Crap, I think my memo got lost in the mail......

PRMinx

Dude, it's been three months and you already have problems that other couples have after a few years.

Just move on. And the next time you meet a dude you like, don't become his housekeeper.

Ladies love being the maid though. LOL

WUT?

I change my statement to clingy ladies who need reason to be around like to clean. I don't know why. I do not like to becomes someone's world.

I don't think they are related at all.

I love to cook. I'll cook for everyone and anyone. That doesn't make me clingy.

Some women love to clean. Some women were raised thinking that it's their job. Some women just don't want to live in a dirty bachelor pad. That doesn't mean they are clingy.

Activities aren't always prescriptive.

True but I also know women that want to be with the guy and if his place is dirty then she will not come over. Then the guy rushes to clean his pad in personal record time.

That scenario has absolutely nothing to do with your comment.

Also, wanting to come over to a place that isn't filthy =/= clingy.

I apologize for the first comment. i thought it was a joke since this is the fun thread. My second comment on clingy ladies always cleaning is what I notice when I see someone cling to me or a friend way too quick. Sorry I am not sorry.

Well, yes, you sure are the expert on women and our motivations. Gold star for you!

JojoW8183

Great video...totally true

Man brain vs woman brain

http://youtu.be/3XjUFYxSxDk

Full 2 hr video: http://youtu.be/814eR5K7KD8

Asherah29

Just break up so we don't have to read these posts anymore

ivygirl1937

OP, I understand where you are coming from with the insecurities and everything, I really do. But let me second what a lot of people have said: you really need to take time apart from a relationship and just work on YOU. Relationships are hard work anyway, you have to be where you are content with just yourself and being on your own before it can ever work in a relationship. For example, my husband and I were friends for six years before we ever even started dating. Why? Because we knew we weren't ready for it yet and we still had issues on our own that we needed to work out before we could really be there and work together in a relationship. And because we waited and got the issues straightened out first, our relationship works a lot better than it ever could have before. I probably would have sabotaged it kind of like you are doing and then I'd be without my best friend. Seriously, write in a journal, talk to a therapist, read, meditate, whatever it takes for you to figure out where the insecurities are coming from and why you don't seem to be happy by yourself and take care of it. Until then, I'm afraid all of your relationships are going to crash and burn.

Original_Sinner

"A)Feelings that are still there for his ex"

Are you a rebound that fizzled out?

they broke up a year ago..
but he told me he still has feelings and thinks about her.. I came to the realization that I have to get used to it..

that definitely screams rebound.


listen to yourself, something is off...so something is off.

this isn't rocket science, don't try to make beef stroganoff out of stone soup here.

jackie2866

. I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant.

Advice?

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!

You've given up things that made you happy? Oh NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! These are the things that make you an individual. This is the stuff that you bring TO the relationship. This is the stuff that you do for yourself to be happy. When you rely solely on another individual for your happiness, you're just sowing seeds of resentment later.


And you've gone from being the girlfriend to being his wife/maid, in what? 3 months? O.o

I hate to be the one to say it, but GO BACK TO BEING THE GIRLFRIEND. Let go a little bit. Three months is a VERY short time to step into the role of wife, no matter how badly you may think you want that title.

It doesn't sound like he wants a haus frau. There is NOTHING sexy about cleaning a toilet three months in. If he's got his *kitten* that together, let HIM buy his own groceries. You're not living together, You don't "owe" him groceries. You can offer to cook dinner with what he's got in his fridge or MAYBE bring over a treat, but that's as far as I'd push it.

(If you've met his parents, what's the dynamic between him mom and dad? Does she wait on him hand and foot or is she off doing her own thing? That alone speaks VOLUMES, by the way.)


My advice:
Be a little less available. You don't need to be there EVERY day.
Make YOU the priority.
GO back to doing the things YOU love to do, the things that make YOU who you are.
And STOP BEING HIS HOUSEKEEPER!!

When you go back to being his girlfriend, you might find that things get better and are more fun.

this ^
and why the need to sleep with him on the first night you started dating? Where's the challenge here??

AliceDark

Any good relationship can survive each partner having alone time and their own interests. If you feel like you have to give up the activities you love in order to maintain the relationship, you have a problem.

OP, try going back to your own apartment for a week. Go back to his place over the weekend, if he invites you, but go home for a few days. A healthy relationship can survive that test.

Jonesingmucho

If you don't know where it is headed, then it's not headed anywhere.

I think you should take some time - in your own apartment - to figure out where you would like to go. He'll come visit if he wants you.

...Or just stay and clean his house until he kicks you out if the sex is really, really good....

(Disclaimer: I'm not certified to give internet relationship advice. I think there was an online course that I should have completed or something first. I only offer my comments for amusement...usually my amusement...but yeah...)

wolfsbayne

Sorry, but when you are with someone for the right reason, they make life better even if you are just sitting on the couch with them.

TRUTH

FrozenSongBird

Oh Lawd ...