Jealous Husband
Kittyvicious1
Posts: 190 Member
I've been losing weight for some time now 16 to a 12...lost 12 lbs. I'm happy for myself except its hard to celebrate when my husband questions my every move. If I go to the gym, "I'm nit at the gym" and that goes for every place I go. I invite him to the gym and he refuses to join me. He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun. I'm fed up with it and everything becomes an argument. Separation and divorce is not the solution, I know this is a small hiccup. How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?
1
Replies
-
I haven't dealt with this, but it sounds like he is really insecure. I am assuming you have already talked to him, but maybe just reassure him that this is about you being healthy and you aren't there to socialize. Maybe counseling if you feel its extreme enough. Good luck!0
-
I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.0
-
My situation got to a point where I just went home to work or Wal-Mart to get food, etc. because anything additional warranted the 3rd degree or if I deviated from the usual estimated arrival home, it would be designated as "missing time" and hello 3rd degree again. If a weird # came through on my cell phone occasionally and I would just not answer it (very few ppl had my # and I am not much of a phone talker as it is) all hell would break loose. The # would get called and god help me if a guy answered on a legit wrong #. Then there were the other things like some nefarious thing going on (in his head) if I shaved my legs. That lasted all of 2+ stupid years. Reason I didn't throw him out sooner was that I was financially stuck at the time. I promised to never put myself in that situation again on both counts. I felt like I was literally let out of prison after that relationship ended and don't know why I put up with all of it now to begin with. I didn't need a gym then, but I wouldn't have even attempted it if I did. Funny thing is, I've also been the jealous one (not to that degree), but in either case it's all so mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Maybe your guy is feeling simple insecurity and thinks your newly skinny self may end up finding someone new in time. If this jealousy thing is a fairly new development then, yes, counseling may be in order. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Did that with aforementioned a-hole (more than 1 therapist) and he just basically said what everyone wanted to hear during sessions and went back to the same old, same old shortly thereafter. After finally getting fed up, and satisfied knowing I did my best to make things better with no improvements to show for it, I packed all his *kitten* and put it in the front yard, took my key back, and told him to call his brother with the pick up to get him. I live in America, not Saudi Arabia, after all.
In your case, if leaving is not an option, and he just keeps at it then you just have to suck it up. However, your kids will not be better for it if they are witnessing all of this back and forth. A son will learn the worst ways to treat a future partner and a daughter will learn to put up with things no woman should have to deal in this day and age.
So that's my story and 2 cents.
ETA: Meant to add that I just got a roommate after that debacle. She didn't work out and then I just got extra jobs. Worked 1 f/t and took on 2 p/t jobs (70 to 80 hour weeks for a good spell...figured I'd sleep when I was rich or dead...whichever came 1st). Being tired from work versus a *kitten* husband was scads better.0 -
However, your kids will not be better for it if they are witnessing all of this back and forth. A son will learn the worst ways to treat a future partner and a daughter will learn to put up with things no woman should have to deal in this day and age.
Show this quote to your husband and tell him, "no more."
I've taken my share of crap and verbal abuse in my relationship. It stopped when I made him move out and we were separated for a year. Ultimately, he decided he could act like a decent human being and a good husband instead of an *kitten*.
A good marriage (or any relationship) is based on trust and respect as much as love. Your husband is not trusting or respectful of you.
Counseling might be a good idea. Refusing to go along with his accusations in any way would be my advice -- stop answering his questions when he grills you. Lock your phone. Change your passwords. Refuse to alter your actions. If his accusations have no merit, you don't need to constantly defend yourself. He is sucking the joy out of your accomplishments and your life. You should think about why you're putting up with that.0 -
Tell him to build you an air conditioned gym for home and to hire a babysitter while you work out.0
-
I've been losing weight for some time now 16 to a 12...lost 12 lbs. I'm happy for myself except its hard to celebrate when my husband questions my every move. If I go to the gym, "I'm nit at the gym" and that goes for every place I go. I invite him to the gym and he refuses to join me. He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun. I'm fed up with it and everything becomes an argument. Separation and divorce is not the solution, I know this is a small hiccup. How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?
Explain to your husband that part of taking care of yourself is going to the gym. He should be able to wrap his head around the fact that you can function better, give more when you have been able to clear your mind and work your body a bit. If he can't get this without causing a commotion then counseling may be in order. You may want to go together and re-learn how to deal with each other. One or the other of you may also want to look in to private counseling. You need the tools to be able to nurture a healthy relationship. These tools include being able to take care of yourself physically as well as a third party offering support.0 -
Um...
If my husband acted that way, he'd be going to a doctor for check up and then a therapist if nothing was medically wrong. Somethings really aren't acceptable where it comes to "worse". Controlling behavior is one of them.0 -
I don't like to nit at the gym ever since that one time I stabbed my eye with the nitting kneedle while on the tredmill.0
-
Ask him what's up and tell him what's up.. You all need better communication,0
-
How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?
This doesn't sound anything like jealousy. it just sounds like two people being not nice to each other.0 -
Hey....I know a guy who knows a guy who "handles problems." Want me to call him?
hehe. yeah, I have been that guy. it is the old "ugly guy, hot woman" effect (generic terms...not saying he is ugly). If he is worried about other guys hitting on you, then he is 100% insecure and probably thinks you will leave him, or are otherwise not getting "hot" for him. He probably doesn't think highly of himself.
In my opinion, you just need to confront this head on, because if you let it stew, it can only lead to mistrust and other bad stuff. Find a way to let your man know you are his woman. Guys are direct creatures, but they hate talking about it. You can bring it up in conversation, but he will only bring it out in an argument.0 -
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.0
-
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.
I think this is true and does help with non-established abuse situations and times of relationship discord. I don't think most normal guys are as complicated as we females make them out to be. Non-aholes can always benefit from a little Dr. Laura "The Care And Feeding Of Husband's" love from their woman.
Women can be aholes too, so the olive branch doesn't always extend from the other direction. Or in short, as I once heard someone say, "Feed 'em, *kitten* 'em, and Keep the house clean." LOL To that I would add: "And do YOU" because you don't ever have to be a doormat in take-care-of-your-man-before-someone-else-does execution.
Of course, everyone has different dynamics in their relationship, day to day living, and mutual BENEFICIAL "servitude". But like with dieting and working out, being mostly consistent is better than never.0 -
If my husband was jealous or questioned everything I was doing, first I would try to find out why. Would try to have discussions with him so we could figure it out, possibly counseling. Have open and honest communication with him when you are both calm.
But I wouldn't continue just arguing about it, because I won't live my life dealing with jealousy and trust issues. For me if there is no trust the relationship is on it's last leg, unless you can find a way to rebuild it.0 -
:noway: :noway: :noway: :noway: :noway:
Just break up.0 -
I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.
+10 :flowerforyou:0 -
This content has been removed.
-
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.
Agreed.
I want the OP to think about something....
On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....
Now the quesiton is why are they doing that? For themselves usually...sometimes because they knew the marriage was over and they were going to be dating again and need that "extra" factor to help out.
It's a fact....when you are dissatisfied in your marriage for whatever reason and you are considering getting out the first thing people do is start taking better care of themselves....or they start because they have seen something they like better (or have experienced something they like better) and are doing it for that reason...
My husband and I had a discussion this weekend as I noticed this...and I asked him "did you ever think that when I started this that it was because I was "wandering"...."
His response..."nope not once, we love each other, trust each other and if there was an issue you would have told me pretty quick"
And he was right...
now mind you ...we have sex at least 5x a week sometimes more and we workout together...we don't have the energy to be looking at other people let alone stepping out...
Try that...more sex, working out together or at least in the same spot...compromise goes along way in relationships.0 -
can you go when he is at work and the kids at school or go early in the morning? my husband complains he doesn't get to spend time together when I leave when he is home from work. you guys need to communicate how you feel to each other. marriage takes lots of communication and compromise. are you sure its jealousy or something else like missing you, etc. you do have to put your health first but your partnership needs to come from friendship and making compromises.. I hope you find a way to work this out cuz its for better or worse and believe me it can be worse. :flowerforyou:0
-
Thank you for all the sound advice. There is a lot of work to do to as in all relationships. My husband and I have been together for 16yrs. Counseling may be in the cards by now. As well as making him feel #1. I am guilty of ignoring his needs hence running around with our three boys, going to school for my Masters, working out, working, etc. Our home is nice and tidy for the most part, my cooking skills are getting better, and sex, sex happens more often than none, but his attitude is a turn off. Once again thanks for all the advice.0
-
What happens when you try to talk to him about it in a well-reasoned way? Have you tried something like, "When you say things like [whatever he says], I feel like you don't support my healthier lifestyle. What is bothering you?" Be specific. What is he saying or doing and how is it making you feel. Find out why he's saying those things.
It could be jealousy. It could be that he wants to spend more quality time with you. It could be that he resents the fact that you're spending money on a gym membership. He could feel that he has to pick up more slack watching the kid(s) while you're at the gym. He could feel emotionally/sexually neglected and need more from you, completely unrelated to your workout habits.
If you can't have a frank conversation (free of blame, name calling, raised voices) about why he's saying what he's saying, it may take a third party to help him understand why he's behaving this way.0 -
What happens when you try to talk to him about it in a well-reasoned way? Have you tried something like, "When you say things like [whatever he says], I feel like you don't support my healthier lifestyle. What is bothering you?" Be specific. What is he saying or doing and how is it making you feel. Find out why he's saying those things.
It could be jealousy. It could be that he wants to spend more quality time with you. It could be that he resents the fact that you're spending money on a gym membership. He could feel that he has to pick up more slack watching the kid(s) while you're at the gym. He could feel emotionally/sexually neglected and need more from you, completely unrelated to your workout habits.
If you can't have a frank conversation (free of blame, name calling, raised voices) about why he's saying what he's saying, it may take a third party to help him understand why he's behaving this way.
That exactly.
I've has a mild issue with this with my husband. He keeps asking me if I'm going to go look for someone else once I get to goal. No, dummy. I could have left him in the last 14 years at any time if I wanted too. His argument to that is "well the pickings were a lot slimmer when you were fatter." Instead of smacking him, I told him that if I wanted to leave bad enough, some hard-up redneck would undoubtedly be interested, regardless of my weight. Seriously, who wants to get another man when they are so much trouble? :laugh:
I do dress nicer now than I did 50lbs ago. But it's not because I'm looking for attention, it's because I feel better about myself and have more confidence. And I can fit into the nicer clothes again, too. I'm not sure most people would call my transition from frump-who's-given-up to put together SAHM mom as an effort to go get some!
He does get jealous when I occasionally get to have a Ladies Night with my other mom-friends. But I text him throughout, and he knows he can contact my ladies or their husbands to verify where I was. I just make sure not to get too dolled up.
Just have a conversation with him and tell him straight up how it is making you feel. During a calm time of course. Angry spouses are NOT at all conducive to listening or resolving anything. Don't get emotional about it. Just be rational and as objective as you can. I find that my man responds 100% better when I'm more matter-of-fact and not weepy. Assuming there was no reason for trust issues with you to begin with, reassuring him that things are fine and reminding him that you are a grown woman and not a possession, all very polite and civilized, should help. Like I mentioned before, I text him when I arrive, and am about to leave, and sometime during to check on the kids. And remind him "Happy wife, happy life." A more healthy and happy mother is a better mother, period. And happier wives treat their husbands better too.
But as the above poster said, if he still isn't able to have a rational discussion about it, a third party like a counselor maybe necessary.
The sex thing mentioned is a big one. If mine doesn't stay regularly satisfied, he turns into a rabid bear. The intimacy helps him feel connected and close, as he is normally a very emotionally detached guy. But when he finally blinks and notices the distance HE has put between us, he gets jealous and paranoid. And grouchy. It's best to bridge the gap. I don't know what your relationship is like, but maybe he just needs a little extra TLC, and maybe some nookie. Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes they just need some attention.
Good luck. Marriage and loving someone is WORK. Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. And I think you get that. No matter what a turd my husband is being, I'm committed to the relationship and committed to working through it. Whatever nonsense it is.0 -
On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....
That's almost never what it's about - at most, weight loss uncovers the real underlying issues.
The OP came on a chat board and trashed her partner, so we can say with confidence that whatever is going on, **** is flowing in both directions.
ETA: I see the OP has added more details and acknowledgements - solid stuff. Relationships are hard work...!0 -
That is a form of emotional abuse. :noway: Seek a professional to help you work through how it is affecting you and how that is affecting your kids. Then see if looping in your darling husband makes sense.
Big hugs dear.0 -
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.
Oh hell yeah! Would work for me! :laugh: (But instead, I just go boxing a lot).....0 -
This content has been removed.
-
I know exactly what you are talking about. I am going through the same thing. Though my situation is a bit more complicated but non the less the extreme of the jealousy is really uncalled for. My husbands own insecurities is really making this journey difficult for me. I just try not to pay to much attention to his negativity and just do me.0
-
It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
QFT.
I think you've gotten some really solid advice. If you two aren't capable of discussing it without getting heated, counseling is where you need to go. Since you've been married for 16 years, I'm taking your word for it that he's not and all-around jerk and this is the main hang-up. It's likely that, as others have mentioned, he's just insecure and afraid that you will find/are looking for someone "better" than him.
Unfortunately, my recent experiences along these lines are more like the quote above.0 -
I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.
I'll not bore you all with the horror story of my possessive insecure first husband, who kept me in his sight 24/7 for two years.
After 6 weeks of intense counselling I was told I had two choices "Stay and be miserable, or get out, he is not going to change, he has no desire to change". Since we had no children and I was young, I packed my bags and divorced him.
Last I heard he was just as possessive with wife #2.
My advice is counselling to see if there is any hope for positive change. Good luck.0 -
In my experience of having a relationship with a jealous man...... it turned out that he was the one having an affair.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 176K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions