Jealous Husband
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What happens when you try to talk to him about it in a well-reasoned way? Have you tried something like, "When you say things like [whatever he says], I feel like you don't support my healthier lifestyle. What is bothering you?" Be specific. What is he saying or doing and how is it making you feel. Find out why he's saying those things.
It could be jealousy. It could be that he wants to spend more quality time with you. It could be that he resents the fact that you're spending money on a gym membership. He could feel that he has to pick up more slack watching the kid(s) while you're at the gym. He could feel emotionally/sexually neglected and need more from you, completely unrelated to your workout habits.
If you can't have a frank conversation (free of blame, name calling, raised voices) about why he's saying what he's saying, it may take a third party to help him understand why he's behaving this way.0 -
What happens when you try to talk to him about it in a well-reasoned way? Have you tried something like, "When you say things like [whatever he says], I feel like you don't support my healthier lifestyle. What is bothering you?" Be specific. What is he saying or doing and how is it making you feel. Find out why he's saying those things.
It could be jealousy. It could be that he wants to spend more quality time with you. It could be that he resents the fact that you're spending money on a gym membership. He could feel that he has to pick up more slack watching the kid(s) while you're at the gym. He could feel emotionally/sexually neglected and need more from you, completely unrelated to your workout habits.
If you can't have a frank conversation (free of blame, name calling, raised voices) about why he's saying what he's saying, it may take a third party to help him understand why he's behaving this way.
That exactly.
I've has a mild issue with this with my husband. He keeps asking me if I'm going to go look for someone else once I get to goal. No, dummy. I could have left him in the last 14 years at any time if I wanted too. His argument to that is "well the pickings were a lot slimmer when you were fatter." Instead of smacking him, I told him that if I wanted to leave bad enough, some hard-up redneck would undoubtedly be interested, regardless of my weight. Seriously, who wants to get another man when they are so much trouble? :laugh:
I do dress nicer now than I did 50lbs ago. But it's not because I'm looking for attention, it's because I feel better about myself and have more confidence. And I can fit into the nicer clothes again, too. I'm not sure most people would call my transition from frump-who's-given-up to put together SAHM mom as an effort to go get some!
He does get jealous when I occasionally get to have a Ladies Night with my other mom-friends. But I text him throughout, and he knows he can contact my ladies or their husbands to verify where I was. I just make sure not to get too dolled up.
Just have a conversation with him and tell him straight up how it is making you feel. During a calm time of course. Angry spouses are NOT at all conducive to listening or resolving anything. Don't get emotional about it. Just be rational and as objective as you can. I find that my man responds 100% better when I'm more matter-of-fact and not weepy. Assuming there was no reason for trust issues with you to begin with, reassuring him that things are fine and reminding him that you are a grown woman and not a possession, all very polite and civilized, should help. Like I mentioned before, I text him when I arrive, and am about to leave, and sometime during to check on the kids. And remind him "Happy wife, happy life." A more healthy and happy mother is a better mother, period. And happier wives treat their husbands better too.
But as the above poster said, if he still isn't able to have a rational discussion about it, a third party like a counselor maybe necessary.
The sex thing mentioned is a big one. If mine doesn't stay regularly satisfied, he turns into a rabid bear. The intimacy helps him feel connected and close, as he is normally a very emotionally detached guy. But when he finally blinks and notices the distance HE has put between us, he gets jealous and paranoid. And grouchy. It's best to bridge the gap. I don't know what your relationship is like, but maybe he just needs a little extra TLC, and maybe some nookie. Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes they just need some attention.
Good luck. Marriage and loving someone is WORK. Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. And I think you get that. No matter what a turd my husband is being, I'm committed to the relationship and committed to working through it. Whatever nonsense it is.0 -
On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....
That's almost never what it's about - at most, weight loss uncovers the real underlying issues.
The OP came on a chat board and trashed her partner, so we can say with confidence that whatever is going on, **** is flowing in both directions.
ETA: I see the OP has added more details and acknowledgements - solid stuff. Relationships are hard work...!0 -
That is a form of emotional abuse. :noway: Seek a professional to help you work through how it is affecting you and how that is affecting your kids. Then see if looping in your darling husband makes sense.
Big hugs dear.0 -
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.
Oh hell yeah! Would work for me! :laugh: (But instead, I just go boxing a lot).....0 -
I know exactly what you are talking about. I am going through the same thing. Though my situation is a bit more complicated but non the less the extreme of the jealousy is really uncalled for. My husbands own insecurities is really making this journey difficult for me. I just try not to pay to much attention to his negativity and just do me.0
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It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
QFT.
I think you've gotten some really solid advice. If you two aren't capable of discussing it without getting heated, counseling is where you need to go. Since you've been married for 16 years, I'm taking your word for it that he's not and all-around jerk and this is the main hang-up. It's likely that, as others have mentioned, he's just insecure and afraid that you will find/are looking for someone "better" than him.
Unfortunately, my recent experiences along these lines are more like the quote above.0 -
I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.
I'll not bore you all with the horror story of my possessive insecure first husband, who kept me in his sight 24/7 for two years.
After 6 weeks of intense counselling I was told I had two choices "Stay and be miserable, or get out, he is not going to change, he has no desire to change". Since we had no children and I was young, I packed my bags and divorced him.
Last I heard he was just as possessive with wife #2.
My advice is counselling to see if there is any hope for positive change. Good luck.0 -
In my experience of having a relationship with a jealous man...... it turned out that he was the one having an affair.0
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It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
No we ALL do not. :huh:0 -
Thank you for all the sound advice. There is a lot of work to do to as in all relationships. My husband and I have been together for 16yrs. Counseling may be in the cards by now. As well as making him feel #1. I am guilty of ignoring his needs hence running around with our three boys, going to school for my Masters, working out, working, etc. Our home is nice and tidy for the most part, my cooking skills are getting better, and sex, sex happens more often than none, but his attitude is a turn off. Once again thanks for all the advice.
yep attitude is a huge turn off and imaturity and insecurity especially when you you are confidaant in yourself and think you look good. His issues are so ething he needs to work on.0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
Yeah, I definitely DON'T have this problem with my husband or any other man I have been with. It's not ok to normalize controlling behavior.0 -
On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....
That's almost never what it's about - at most, weight loss uncovers the real underlying issues.
The OP came on a chat board and trashed her partner, so we can say with confidence that whatever is going on, **** is flowing in both directions.
ETA: I see the OP has added more details and acknowledgements - solid stuff. Relationships are hard work...!
I totally agree with that and should have been clearer on that point...that there are often underlyng issues first and the health/fitness/weightloss opens them up for viewing...0 -
It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
Turn the tables, start acting the way he is then when he questions your actions or wont let you see his phone ask him how he likes it and what is he hiding.. that should snap him out of it. If not then Id suggest a holiday apart or break from eachother.
Huh? Solve insecurity problems by adding more hostility and creating opportunity for even more insecurity? Telling an insecure guy that you want some time away from HIM...I don't understand that logic. Please explain.0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
You must have had some really sh!tty partners.0 -
It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
Turn the tables, start acting the way he is then when he questions your actions or wont let you see his phone ask him how he likes it and what is he hiding.. that should snap him out of it. If not then Id suggest a holiday apart or break from eachother.
Huh? Solve insecurity problems by adding more hostility and creating opportunity for even more insecurity? Telling an insecure guy that you want some time away from HIM...I don't understand that logic. Please explain.
Its is true absence can make the heart grow fonder.. a bit of space to breath and clear the air is sometimes a good thing.. experiencing life without each other makes you realise what you both want.
Where is the hostility in that? why is that creating opportunity? Unless either party can not be trusted in which case they shouldn't be in a relationship without trust.
Telling a man who is insecure, because he thinks you might leave him, that you want to get away from him is only going to make him worse. He'll grasp onto her that much harder. Trust me. That creates opportunity for more resentment and strife.0 -
He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun.
At least he lets you out of the kitchen. Sounds like a nice guy in my book.
Kidding aside...he sounds like he has trust issues, and that can really kill a relationship. Seek help.0
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