Jealous Husband
Replies
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It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
No we ALL do not. :huh:0 -
Thank you for all the sound advice. There is a lot of work to do to as in all relationships. My husband and I have been together for 16yrs. Counseling may be in the cards by now. As well as making him feel #1. I am guilty of ignoring his needs hence running around with our three boys, going to school for my Masters, working out, working, etc. Our home is nice and tidy for the most part, my cooking skills are getting better, and sex, sex happens more often than none, but his attitude is a turn off. Once again thanks for all the advice.
yep attitude is a huge turn off and imaturity and insecurity especially when you you are confidaant in yourself and think you look good. His issues are so ething he needs to work on.0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
Yeah, I definitely DON'T have this problem with my husband or any other man I have been with. It's not ok to normalize controlling behavior.0 -
On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....
That's almost never what it's about - at most, weight loss uncovers the real underlying issues.
The OP came on a chat board and trashed her partner, so we can say with confidence that whatever is going on, **** is flowing in both directions.
ETA: I see the OP has added more details and acknowledgements - solid stuff. Relationships are hard work...!
I totally agree with that and should have been clearer on that point...that there are often underlyng issues first and the health/fitness/weightloss opens them up for viewing...0 -
It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
Turn the tables, start acting the way he is then when he questions your actions or wont let you see his phone ask him how he likes it and what is he hiding.. that should snap him out of it. If not then Id suggest a holiday apart or break from eachother.
Huh? Solve insecurity problems by adding more hostility and creating opportunity for even more insecurity? Telling an insecure guy that you want some time away from HIM...I don't understand that logic. Please explain.0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
You must have had some really sh!tty partners.0 -
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It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.
Turn the tables, start acting the way he is then when he questions your actions or wont let you see his phone ask him how he likes it and what is he hiding.. that should snap him out of it. If not then Id suggest a holiday apart or break from eachother.
Huh? Solve insecurity problems by adding more hostility and creating opportunity for even more insecurity? Telling an insecure guy that you want some time away from HIM...I don't understand that logic. Please explain.
Its is true absence can make the heart grow fonder.. a bit of space to breath and clear the air is sometimes a good thing.. experiencing life without each other makes you realise what you both want.
Where is the hostility in that? why is that creating opportunity? Unless either party can not be trusted in which case they shouldn't be in a relationship without trust.
Telling a man who is insecure, because he thinks you might leave him, that you want to get away from him is only going to make him worse. He'll grasp onto her that much harder. Trust me. That creates opportunity for more resentment and strife.0 -
He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun.
At least he lets you out of the kitchen. Sounds like a nice guy in my book.
Kidding aside...he sounds like he has trust issues, and that can really kill a relationship. Seek help.0 -
Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.
I know this was probably said in jest but still...
If your partner is jealous, controlling, pressuring you, questioning you and generally sucking the joy out of your life (as one respondent put it) then the solution is NOT for the victim of this emotional abuse to make herself more sexually available in order to placate her victimiser - that way = less personal autonomy, self control and freedom to make her own decisions.
I would go with a zero tolerance, firm but loving approach. It is amazing how much we internalise acceptance of someone else's inappropriate behaviour. Firstly she has to stand up for herself and mentally acknowledge that his behaviour is not acceptable, that it is a serious problem that requires intervention. Secondly, she has to make him aware, each and every time, that his behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. She should never mistake persistence for misunderstanding - he knows perfectly well what he is doing and he is choosing to act that way regardless. Finally, she must make it clear that it is his controlling behaviour that she is rejecting, not him as a person or a spouse. Ultimately, he may prefer the controlling behaviour over her own happiness, at which point she may need to question whether his happiness is worth sacrificing her own happiness and health for.0 -
It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
No we ALL do not. :huh:
This is not true at all. If your partner is not supportive of you then you have the wrong partner.
To the OP I will not regale you with my own life's mistakes. The lesson I have learned for every single situation in every kind of relationship... communicate COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE. There is absolutely no benefit in any way to fret over why he is doing what his is doing. Find out what is wrong and then fret if the situation calls for it :flowerforyou:0 -
I've been losing weight for some time now 16 to a 12...lost 12 lbs. I'm happy for myself except its hard to celebrate when my husband questions my every move. If I go to the gym, "I'm nit at the gym" and that goes for every place I go. I invite him to the gym and he refuses to join me. He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun. I'm fed up with it and everything becomes an argument. Separation and divorce is not the solution, I know this is a small hiccup. How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?
I've been through this - although not with working out, just with a jealous boyfriend in general. We were together for 5 1/2 years and everything he got mad at me about was something to do with another boyfriend I had, apparently. Like when we had extra money so I made a higher payment on my credit card it was apparently covering up that night I said I was going out with my friends but really rented a hotel room with my other boyfriend and it was really crazy.
He was emotionally abusive for a long time - don't ask me why I put up with it, I don't know. I had a pregnancy scare about 6 weeks before I left him, although thinking I was pregnant was what started me questiong do I really want to be with him? Is this the person I want to raise children with when he acts like this? So, my point is: if your son was treating his wife/girlfriend this way, would you be an approving mother? Or if your daughter's husband/boyfriend was doing this to her, would you want her to take it or stand up for herself?
I am not saying to end things - I did because mine wasn't a rough patch, we went to counseling, had some time apart and nothing changed. I am just saying that you need to stand up for yourself and end this behaviour - change your passwords, tell him you went out, you have the right to go out sometimes, lock your phone, whatever you need to do to show him he needs to trust you and you're losing weight for health benefits not because you're looking to find someone else.0 -
Have you out yourself in his shoes? Or thought about it in a way that, if he had lost lots of weight and toned up etc and went to the gym however many times you go, how would you be feeling? I can see how he could be feeling x0
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It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
My advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him. By trying to include him, you are actually alerting him to the fact that you are changing on him..and he feels threatened.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
No we ALL do not. :huh:
This is not true at all. If your partner is not supportive of you then you have the wrong partner.
To the OP I will not regale you with my own life's mistakes. The lesson I have learned for every single situation in every kind of relationship... communicate COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE. There is absolutely no benefit in any way to fret over why he is doing what his is doing. Find out what is wrong and then fret if the situation calls for it :flowerforyou:
We do not all have this, my husband may not be the cheerleader type which is good he would look horrible in that outfit. But he trusts me, that is the foundation of our relationship.
communication0 -
I feel like the luckiest gal in the world. My hubby encourages me and actually plans things around my gym sessions when activities overlap. I am always willing to reschedule my workout but he tells that it is important to me, then it is important to him.
The hubby is definitely feeling insecure so open, honest communication is necessary. Some men just need extra reassurances.0 -
My husband used to act like that once we got married 20 yrs. ago. I put up with it for way too long. I threatened to leave only for him to try counseling which worked for a short time. He would start anti-depressants only to stop after only a few days because he said he could not complete the act ( if you know what I mean ). He finally ended up having T.I.A.'s ( mini-strokes) in 2012 when our youngest was 15 months old. He now takes blood pressure meds, anti-anxiety meds, and nerve pills.
Things have gotten a lot better but he still re-lapses a couple times a year. My advice is to sit him down and tell him you have a right to be healthy and happy for yourself, your children, and him. His behavior will not be tolerated. You refuse to argue with him. Don't raise your voice. Tell him you will work with him on counseling or what not but refuse to keep arguing especially in front of your children.
Don't be like I was. Just accepting their bad behavior, never going anywhere, never seeing friends, or going out in public because your afraid he will embarrass you. Yes my husband even tried to start a fight with a waiter once. I was eating lunch with my Mom and aunt. While my husband was eating lunch with his boss/co-workers at the same place. A friendly effeminate waiter sat down beside me. Big mistake! I was beyond humiliated.0 -
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elisa123gal wrote: »It is crazy to live that way..but we all have these issues with our partners. very few are really supportive and a cheerleader like they should be.
absolutely not.
You may feel free to speak for yourself- I have been with my BF for 4 years- we are long term committed (I.e. we both consider ourselves already faux married). We live 2 hours apart- and I work out regularly- even when he is here- and he has never once asked me if I wasn't actually at the gym- and I'm regularly late coming home- like I said 7 and it's 730 .
All.The.Time.
It's funny- he was watching football on Sunday with some guys (he never does that) and out of the blue he texts me and goes "you know- i just want to say how much I love you and how awesome you are that you aren't crazy like everyone else's GF"
but this I agree with fullyMy advice is to not talk about your diet with him.. at all. Just eat right and go workout without discussing it with him.
You may just have to tell him.. ."I love you, but this is a deal breaker.. i will workout and take care of myself without your permission. You don't own me. I am a full grown woman and I will eat right and work out if I wish. end of story!"
seriously- trust is important. that type of possessive relationship is completely unhealthy- and you have to stand up for who you are and protect YOU and do what's best FOR YOU.
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Ahhh My husband sometimes gets jealous too. He was just upset because he felt like it took so much of my time. I started to make him feel special and worked out an agreement to work out 3 times a week and it seems to work. I am not totally happy I wish I could go 7 days a week but I guess its a compromise. I do notice he don't really care as long as he knows what I plan on doing and I give him enough attention.
Maybe you could figure out something that would make him feel really special and start giving him more attention maybe he will be more time at the gym. I am like you I don't do working out at home... just not for me. Good Luck0 -
My husband preferred me fat because he was insecure and thought that with me skinny again I would leave him. He would purposely try to sabotage my goals by trying to get me to eat crap and eating it in front of me. Every time I went out, he'd pick a fight...ultimately it led to our divorce, best decision I ever made!0
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Kittyvicious1 wrote: »I've been losing weight for some time now 16 to a 12...lost 12 lbs. I'm happy for myself except its hard to celebrate when my husband questions my every move. If I go to the gym, "I'm nit at the gym" and that goes for every place I go. I invite him to the gym and he refuses to join me. He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun. I'm fed up with it and everything becomes an argument. Separation and divorce is not the solution, I know this is a small hiccup. How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?
Seperation/Divorce may indeed be the solution if he can't handle your weight loss. If it's this bad now what will it be like when you reach your goal.
I would suggest having a talk with the guy and putting all of your cards on the table. Let him know that all you're doing is working out and he either needs to find something he likes about it or join you at the gym.
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