For the married couples..who can give advice..just a rant

RoadDog

If you didn't have a child, I would have a simple answer for you. But, since you do, I suggest giving counselling a try before making any decisions. If you are both open to counselling, willing to speak and recognize the truth, maybe you can turn it around. But do it now, silently going along with hopes of change is just denial.

I am sorry.

Kalee34

My suggestion would be to purchase the book "The Love Dare" and give it a try! It might not be easy but it will be well worth it! God did not intend that anyone divorce. You have to work at your marraige, just like you have to work at losing weight. God Bless!

kalebsmama07

bump

chrissyh

Sounds like you should really talk deep down nitty gritty get it all out there talk - I know its hard to feel so vulnerable but he needs to know what you are thinking and you have the same right.

We've been married almost 21 years and I was 18 when we got married - we've "grown up" together. You need to focus on time for the two of you and talk it out, do some fun things, dig that magic that was obviously there back out.

Good luck!

punkrockmama

I once read an article that stated that if you are considering divorce that you should commit yourself to ONE solid year of commitment to repairing your marriage. If at the end of the year you still want out then you can at least leave knowing that you gave it your all, didn't leave prematurely, and made the right decision.
And honestly, you made a lifetime commitment, so what's another year?

Also, your life will never be the "single successful" life that you are envisioning. You can leave your marriage, but studying abroad, nights out, and even dating will still take second to your daughter...who you will have to split time with.

Lastly, have you tried talking to your husband about your feelings? Maybe he feels the same way and you can work through it together?

tater8589

I am not the best for advice, but I can understand what your saying. Its ok that you get board sometimes, just don't make a mistake you'll regret. Ya'll are both young and still have some growing to do. I am 25, my husband 21-- we def have our issues, as every one does. Maybe you just need a girls night to go out and be a lil crazy, just not stupid Also, at home, my husband and I have similar issues with not chatting about things at home. I find out more from his friends than from him sometimes, its very frustating. You may just need to sit him down (go on a child free date) and talk to him about not feeling the connection at home. You (of both of ya'll) may want to go to some counceling. I'm military (huband too) aswell. The military will cover 10 therapy sessions per issue with an off base therapist if you choose that route. If you want you can add me. We can share stories lol. I'll say, some things just take some time. Maybe go out and pamper yourself for a day. I don't know if you do this already, but, do something out of the ordinary nice for him, see if that helps things. My husband collects hotwheels and I randomly pick a few up and leave them in his key jar to find when he gets home. Or maybe Victoria's Secret for some child free fun?? Hope some of this helps ya, Good luck.

mikeyml

If you've felt really happy and fulfilled by him in the past, why would it be impossible to feel that way again? I think you should just talk to him and tell him the truth. It doesn't have to be an overly emotional conversation or the "we have to talk" thing. Just say I have some things I'd really like to talk to you about, not bad things, and I'd like to sit down and get your feedback on them. Tell him you feel like you're drifting apart and you don't like it. That you still love him but you feel like you're two different people sharing the same bedroom. That you want to feel closer to him but you don't know how to do it alone. I doubt he would take offense to that - if it were me I'd be pretty interested in what you have to say. I think if you open the communication line then you will be much happier.

If it were my wife feeling that way then I would really hope she would tell me rather than randomly whacking me with divorce papers. I had a serious relationship end like that once and it was the WORST feeling ever. I would have rather been cheated on. Instead she told me that she was so bored and unhappy with our relationship that she used to sit in the driveway everyday when she got home from work and just cry. How sad is that? I would have done whatever it took to fix things but I never even knew what was wrong. That's why I made communication a priority when I started dating again. It's been 6 years since I met my wife and we have been married for 2 years now. If I ever feel like we are starting to drift apart then I bring up the conversation topics that I listed above. It works - you just have to make the time to do it.

MyViolet

So sorry you feel this way! I can relate to it though. Marriage can be boring, but it can also be the most stable thing in life and sometimes stable is boring. But it is so nice to know that I can come home to the same person every night.

We went through the Fireproof/Love Dare study together. It was quite and eye opener and really gives you small and large things to work on that are so vital to the marriage, day one starts off the importance of patience and what that means in a marriage. I would recommend looking into the book but know that it takes committment and effort and a good hard look in the mirror. If nothing else, you will find out somethings about yourself.

I wish you well in your marriage!

BrentGetsFit

My wife and I began dating at 14 and 16 respectively and were married at 18 and 20 right after I got out of Coast Guard boot camp. We've been married 17 years and it's been very tough on occasion. We finished growing up in completely different directions and became absolute opposites. We have two children and have been to the brink of divorce a couple of times. It all comes down to the communication. She holds stuff in, I ignore what I don't want to hear. We've been to counseling a couple of times and have really gained insight on the way the other thinks. I suggest reading "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, a great book about finding the best in your partner. I also suggest having a Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator survey done on you both and then having them compiled into a couples profile. The survey is brief and gives great insight into why you behave the way you do and the couples profile highlights similarities and differences and ways to come together. It's really helped us communicate better. I've been stationed apart from her for 3 years now and it really makes it hard to integrate into the family whenever I visit but we both make it a point to communicate clearly and that helps. Date nights and other togetherness activities help a great deal but be sure to find something you can both enjoy. We had a disastrous one the last time I was home that started great, imploded in the middle but wound up ending great after we were able to work past our communication block. Sorry to write a book here but I just see myself and my marriage in your description and want to help spare you and him some of the heartache I've experienced. As others have said though, it is totally worth it despite our problems, I look forward to that day when we've finally settled into our friendship match as a previous poster mentioned. Slowly but surely...

mjane48

Hey there

Just wanted to lend some support, my hubby is going through almost the EXACT same thing (roles are switched in my case); I've reached out for some help and have found out that around the 2-3 year mark, its pretty typical (he's currently avoiding the issue and dealing with some additional family stresses/getting older issues, so he refuses to acknowledge there is any issue). I would try to talk it out with your spouse. It was really hard for me to hear when he told me & we don't have any children so it's a little harder since he's looking at it from the "no damage done" side but it at least let me know where he was at & helped me to see how I could support him when he's ready to talk to someone for help. Since it's so common I started to reach out a little and you would be surprised how many people will say, yep- I went through that, & then talk about how things were able to be resolved.

(edit: I forgot to add: I'm 26 & hes about to turn 30- we've been together since I was almost 19. And I wanted to add that it worth a shot to TRY to see if there's something that just hasn't been addressed yet or maybe a different approach you can create together to make it feel less "routine"- I know my hubby complains that he does the same thing every day- I don't know why he does that (I don't, I take care of my own stuff, coffee with a friend, read a new book etc). but right now he doesn't want to TRY to do something about it, he just complains. I suggest talk it out before deciding your stance. I think it would really help in my own situation but it's hard to get him to talk)

Good luck to you

That_Girl

Well...I have no advice. I took my vows 2 years ago (almost) but I was 33 and quite ready.

I do think getting married young is a bad decision for most people. I have one good friend who married at 17 and is 21 now and happily married with 3 children. But they work at it.

When you take vows, I believe it is forever, unless abuse is going on. You said for better or worse and this could be your worse.

I do agree with the other posters that you can make your marriage what you want to make it. If you think about not being married, and you know this causes fights, then stop fighting when you think this way.

Have you thought about counseling? It could help and give you both helpful ways to react and 'be'.

Maybe take up a hobby as well...but not to meet other people (of the opposite sex).

My rules (for myself) in marriage and friends are: Any friend, male or female, before marriage is allowed. New friends of the opposite sex is not allowed. Why? Because we all know that "things just happen". I don't want to chance it and it's just not appropriate to put energy into a man whom you're not married to.

I wish you peace with this. I don't have any advice really because you've pretty much put yourself where you are. :-) You can chose to make it better.

lashleyrivera

These are all great responses! Thank u so much..the thing is, we were going to divorce about 6 months into our relationship. But decided to wait because we felt like we didn't give marriage a chance. Honestly we r right back in the same situation. We did do the love dare the first time, it worked, for awhile. We learned what eachother wanted out of the relationship..I like words he likes affection, but after awhile it went away ...as far as going out..if I want to go out with friends he kinda has an issue with it and if he wants to go out he never states where he is going..he always says don't worry about..sometimes I feel there may be a slight chance of emotional abuse between eachother...we did have a counselor with the first time, and like I said that worked to, but the same stuff happens, when we go on datenights, we don't talk, the only convo will be about work etc...we don't have many interests..I tried to make him join mfp nd he did for a day, and I always try n motivate him but he pushes the thought away..the only time we have fun is wen we r with another couple..but even then I talk to my friend and he does the same..we have been down this rd before..so I feel its inevitable

lashleyrivera

I should also say, even though I didn't want to, that he uses the fact that I don't work against me..he threatens me with money etc...so I find myself protecting mysekf just out of habit...that's not healthy and when I tell him that he says ok he won't do it again..but then he does..:(