What are some ways to Spice up a relationship???

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

I feel like the relationship I have with my boyfriend is going down. Its boring. What would you do???:huh:

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

I feel like the relationship I have with my boyfriend is going down. Its boring. What would you do???:huh:

songbyrdsweet

What areas are suffering? Are you communicating well? Are you guys going on any dates? Are you taking part in your own individual hobbies, or just doing things that are agreeable but only marginally fun (like plain old renting movies)? Or is it a PG-13 rated problem?

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

No dates, hes has been jobless for about 3 months, the only interesting thing we do is watch CSI(wow:sad: ) No hanky panky w/ him(and i choose not to or I guess not in the mood)

songbyrdsweet

No dates, hes has been jobless for about 3 months, the only interesting thing we do is watch CSI(wow:sad: ) No hanky panky w/ him(and i choose not to or I guess not in the mood)

Yea, money issues can definitely cause problems. I was there a few months back...we were barely talking, never did anything (no hanky panky either...it's hard to get into it when you feel you're drifting apart). We also were addicted to CSI :laugh: We actually took a month-long break...I moved back into my dorm and all. We missed each other though, and that prompted us to TALK. That, I feel, is THE most important part of a relationship....you need to tell him that you feel you're drifting apart, and then work together to come up with other stuff to do. Some fun free stuff:

Go for a walk/hike (great time to talk about your concerns)
Work out together
Window shop
Give massages (hanky panky is free!)
Play the 'what if' game (what if you won the lottery...what if i had a tail...random weird stuff lol)
Go to the library (learn what you guys are interested in, I promise you will surprise each other, my bf and I still do and it's been 2 1/2 yr)
Rearrange your furniture (it can be a nice change)
Go to a museum

Some fun inexpensive stuff:

Buy/play frisbee
Toss a football (or learn how)
Have a picnic (this can be free if you already have food and a blanket!)
Buy food and prepare a healthy meal together
Go dancing (some places cover is only $5)
Buy massage oil and THEN give a massage (this is SO FUN...ahem :blushing:)

One thing I noticed after an extended period of distance is that it can sometimes feel awkward to be romantic again...that's something you'll have to talk about. If you suddenly feel uncomfortable, you might have to start back at square one and move to whatever level you were last at. That way you don't feel pressured to 'perform' or be 'in the mood'. Being physically romantic is often how a man expresses his feelings (and it can be for a woman too) so if that has stopped entirely, he is probably feeling just as distant as you are.

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

well he was trying to be affectionate today, but i was kind of pushing him away. Every time we talk, it turns into a fight, me making promises to handle a situation the way he does, and promises to never bring a certain person up on conversation. My family hates him (except my dad) and sometimes I dont know why i'm still with him. He always wants to talk things out, but sometimes I dont want to hear it. He rambles about the past all the time and to me, it makes things worse.

songbyrdsweet

well he was trying to be affectionate today, but i was kind of pushing him away. Every time we talk, it turns into a fight, me making promises to handle a situation the way he does, and promises to never bring a certain person up on conversation. My family hates him (except my dad) and sometimes I dont know why i'm still with him. He always wants to talk things out, but sometimes I dont want to hear it. He rambles about the past all the time and to me, it makes things worse.

Hhmmm....well it sounds like you guys are drifting apart for more than just boredom reasons. No one can tell you exactly how to fix things, not even your very best friend or closest family member, because only you are fully aware of the dynamics of your relationship. I can suggest a couple "rules" that have helped me out:

1. No yelling...seriously, ever. My bf and I have never yelled at each other, not even when I left, not over our biggest hugest problems. There's just no need to yell and it blows things out of proportion. If you can't say anything nice, just don't say it. Sometimes you have to walk away and be quiet by yourself and then come back.
2. Don't make promises unless you KNOW you can keep them. You can promise a million dollars and a new car, and it is just as baseless as promising to never bring up a certain topic. You might do it on accident, or bring up something that he feels relates to that person, etc. You have to be aware of what you're capable of before you promise anything.
3. Compromise is healthy, but feeling that you have to change--or make the other person change--everything about you/them....that's very unhealthy. No one can be 'trained'..they can take prerogative to change their own lives, but they can't be willed into changing by someone else. Neither person should expect the other to 'be like them'...you are your own person, and although you might be able to change some habits, you probably won't be able to change your deepest values and beliefs.


I can relate though...my bf likes to bring up subjects that are uncomfortable at times. Initially, I thought he was just dwelling on them for no reason, but he eventually explained that he sometimes needs to discuss these problems to gain closure. Now it doesn't bother me because I know that he'll get the closure he needs, after 15 minutes the conversation will be over, and there's nothing I can do to change the past anyway. It sounds like he wants to communicate with you, which is healthy...you can take the opportunity to try and improve your relationship, or if you feel that you're putting in a lot of effort and getting no enjoyment out of it, you can end it. No one's saying you have to stay with him...regardless of what your family thinks, it's your choice. :flowerforyou:

thalli1

I'm a firm believer that deep down inside we know the answers to all our own questions. Maybe you need to just get really quiet and listen to your own heart. It will tell you what you need to do to be happy. Good luck.:flowerforyou:

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

Thanks for the advise... I'll take those into consideration.

songbyrdsweet

Thanks for the advise... I'll take those into consideration.

I hope it helps. Relationship problems can make everything else more stressful, it's hard to feel that separation, it's like losing a friend. We're all here for ya.

flachix

How long have you been together? Are you living together or still dating? If you are living together and he is out of work are you supporting the family? Is he looking for work? We have all been through this kind of thing, and money can break a relationship, but one thing I found about your comments that was intreguing...you don't know why you are still with him. really? you really don't know? or was that just frustration?
ask yourself one question, Do I love this person exactly the way he is? right now. all the flaws, all the quirks, everything. If he never changes, will you always love him just the way he is?
You answer will tell you what you need to know. what to do about it is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

flachix

PS. You can't "spice up" a relationship by pushing him away, get naked....do the horizontal bop, make monkey noises, oil up the twister mat, try on a batgirl costume, what the heck? you are on earth such a short time. have some fun.


we are not human beings on a spiritual path, we are spiritual beings on a human path.

IndigoElectron

I'm a firm believer that deep down inside we know the answers to all our own questions. Maybe you need to just get really quiet and listen to your own heart. It will tell you what you need to do to be happy. Good luck.:flowerforyou:

This is the BEST advice. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because things weren't right, and deep down I'd always known that, I just didn't want to admit it. We didn't communicate and things were never great in the bedroom, and I tried everything, I bought books on sex and relationships, tried to convince myself we could make it work... but after a while I realised it just shouldn't be that hard! And he wasn't trying to make things better at all, it was all me. It was hard and yes, I did wonder if I'd done the right thing a couple of times, but most of all I felt a huge sense of relief that I wasn't lying to myself any more.

I think if I'd listened to my feelings and instincts I probably would have ended it sooner. Or maybe not - it's the hardest thing in the world sometimes to see what's right in front of you - I only see now how wrong things were. And I feel happy that I'm free now to find my soulmate, the person who is right for me in every way.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do, and remember you can always come on here for support if things get tough :flowerforyou:

ellelit

i have 2 words for you. but i'm not allowed to write them on this board:blushing:

(basically "sex toys" but more graphic he he)

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

How long have you been together? Are you living together or still dating? If you are living together and he is out of work are you supporting the family? Is he looking for work? We have all been through this kind of thing, and money can break a relationship, but one thing I found about your comments that was intreguing...you don't know why you are still with him. really? you really don't know? or was that just frustration?
ask yourself one question, Do I love this person exactly the way he is? right now. all the flaws, all the quirks, everything. If he never changes, will you always love him just the way he is?
You answer will tell you what you need to know. what to do about it is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

We have been together for about 2 years now but we do not live together. Thank goodness he has his mom to pay the rent because I definitely would have had to leave him. I am not supporting his butt. He is looking for work, and everytime someone calls him and waits around for an interview, they let him down, so he basically has to start all over. Today he was let down an offer that he knew for sure, he'd have a job. But I told myself that if he doesnt get the job this time, I would leave him. Is it bad to leave him when he needs me the most???

I know I'm still with him because he truly loves me for me. He jumps for me, but when it comes for him to better himself, he's hopeless. I ask him to go to school, but he has an excuse. Money is a major issue now in our relationship, because I dont believe he can support me. I feel like I have to support him and if were to have a family, i'd be the only one making money.

FitJoani

Being the queen of failked and bad relationships, my best advice is too have a serious talk. You need to tell him what you feel, how you feel things could change if he were working(that may be it or a factor) what you would like to come about the relationship...things like that but to whoever said no yelling ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!!!!!! that doesnt solve anything.

songbyrdsweet

How long have you been together? Are you living together or still dating? If you are living together and he is out of work are you supporting the family? Is he looking for work? We have all been through this kind of thing, and money can break a relationship, but one thing I found about your comments that was intreguing...you don't know why you are still with him. really? you really don't know? or was that just frustration?
ask yourself one question, Do I love this person exactly the way he is? right now. all the flaws, all the quirks, everything. If he never changes, will you always love him just the way he is?
You answer will tell you what you need to know. what to do about it is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

We have been together for about 2 years now but we do not live together. Thank goodness he has his mom to pay the rent because I definitely would have had to leave him. I am not supporting his butt. He is looking for work, and everytime someone calls him and waits around for an interview, they let him down, so he basically has to start all over. Today he was let down an offer that he knew for sure, he'd have a job. But I told myself that if he doesnt get the job this time, I would leave him. Is it bad to leave him when he needs me the most???

I know I'm still with him because he truly loves me for me. He jumps for me, but when it comes for him to better himself, he's hopeless. I ask him to go to school, but he has an excuse. Money is a major issue now in our relationship, because I dont believe he can support me. I feel like I have to support him and if were to have a family, i'd be the only one making money.

I know that everyone has a different view on gender roles and whatnot, and I'm far from traditional, so probably biased. But honestly, wouldn't you rather be supporting yourself? That way you have your own money, you're not pressuring him to bring home a paycheck for the both of you, and if things go sour, you have your independence. Are you going to leave him because he doesn't have enough money for the both of you? That seems superficial to me. If he's not asking you for money, it's really not a concern for you if he has a job at this very moment. You two aren't married, you don't have a kid, you're still in school...it's pretty much his business whether he has a job or not. If you're going to leave, do it because he doesn't support you emotionally, not because he can't support you financially.

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

Well he does not support me. I have my own job and pay my own bills. I dont ask him to make money for us. Its for him. His mom bugs him, he owes me tons of money, and he cannot afford to keep his car on the road. So now I have to take him to interviews, pay for gas... its not cheap. Ive been waiting for a while for him to take me out, and finally the other day his brother gave him like 17 bucks and he used it for us to go out to the movies. I enjoyed it. and I'm glad he took me out, because I feel like I deserve it. But I feel like he's not trying hard enough in trying to find a job. I was the one who made his resume, I was the one who applied to half of the jobs. His excuse is that he has no internet connection. But when I take him to my house, he goes on his little forums for cars.

studentRN

I am not supporting his butt.

:grumble:

Bad news.... relationships work both ways ya know? Not an attempt to be rude but if a man supports you because he loves you and wants to give you everything, but then hits a hard time and gets layed off let's say... you're ready to jump ship because "you're not supporting his butt?"

I think it's time to re-evaluate.

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

studentRN

he owes me tons of money

he cannot afford to keep his car on the road.

I have to take him to interviews, pay for gas...

I was the one who made his resume

I was the one who applied to half of the jobs.

His excuse is that he has no internet connection. But when I take him to my house, he goes on his little forums for cars.

A phrase comes to mind.... dead-beat.

Watch Judge Judy... I think you will find it inspirational!

"He's USING YOU MADAM!"

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

:grumble:

Bad news.... relationships work both ways ya know? Not an attempt to be rude but if a man supports you because he loves you and wants to give you everything, but then hits a hard time and gets layed off let's say... you're ready to jump ship because "you're not supporting his butt?"

I think it's time to re-evaluate.

If I feel like he is not making an attempt to look for a job, then I'm out! I've been with him for almost 2 years and this is the second time he has been jobless. He had a decent job, but wanted to quit because he was tired of it. Now he is wishing he could go back

songbyrdsweet

Well he does not support me. I have my own job and pay my own bills. I dont ask him to make money for us. Its for him. His mom bugs him, he owes me tons of money, and he cannot afford to keep his car on the road. So now I have to take him to interviews, pay for gas... its not cheap. Ive been waiting for a while for him to take me out, and finally the other day his brother gave him like 17 bucks and he used it for us to go out to the movies. I enjoyed it. and I'm glad he took me out, because I feel like I deserve it. But I feel like he's not trying hard enough in trying to find a job. I was the one who made his resume, I was the one who applied to half of the jobs. His excuse is that he has no internet connection. But when I take him to my house, he goes on his little forums for cars.

Hey if he's asking you for money, then it definitely is a concern. Haha are you sure you're not dating my ex? Sounds like the cycle I was in, and I agree that it's frustrating, plus my ex was in his late 20's and even when he got a job he'd just quit or get fired. How old is your bf? Not all guys in our age group are mature enough for a functional, egalitarian relationship. Unfortunately, it takes a lot more than just love to have a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of hard work not to fall into these kinds of vicious cycles, and it can be easy to stick around unhappily rather than working through things or cutting your losses. You're young though, it's not like you have to get married asap, you can always look for someone who you can have a healthier relationship with.

studentRN

He had a decent job, but wanted to quit because he was tired of it.

:noway: :noway: :noway:

Well crap.. I'm tired of my job too... I guess I'll quit!!!!

Uh... wait... yea, not a good idea... yea I don't have another job lined up!


I may have missed this in the thread... but how old is this guy? He's awfully immature!

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

he is 21

studentRN

Seriously hun... you are young... don't be silly... If you are 20 and have a stable job and you are supporting yourself then AMEN to you!!! PLEASE get rid of this baggage!

You can do much better ... and what makes it better... you don't live together... so no difficulties there... time to move on in my opinion!

songbyrdsweet

he is 21

Well, he sounds like a generic 21 year old. A little kid trapped in an adult's body. :laugh: Okay, yea, I'm 21, but I also always have a job (or two), don't party, and I do all my homework like a good girl. :bigsmile: I just know a ton of people like your bf. Honestly, you may not be able to expect much more out of him. Remember the rule on a person's values...his apparently don't include a strong work ethic or innate motivation for self-sufficiency, and you can't force him to pick those up.

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

I want to, but then he says hes going to kill himself because i'm the only good thing in his life. I get scared because i dont want that on my mind if he does do that. But he's always told me that he does not have the guts to hurt himself, but then again, he really does not have nothing better going on in his life except me. His parents love me, yet they are on his *kitten* about not being responsible. I do as well but then we get into more arguments.

I do make this relationship sound extremely bad. But occasionally its good. I enjoy the simple times where he has food ready for me after i get out of work, or the times where we just relax on his couch and watch tv for hours. He does everything possible to make me comfortable when i'm with him. Hes a sweet guy, he can defend me

studentRN

he says hes going to kill himself because i'm the only good thing in his life.

:noway:

I had an ex that threatened this.... and he is just that... an ex.

I hate to sound so crass but remember, I am an outsider looking in... while I don't know everything about your relationship, what you have revealed here within this thread would be enough to make me dump his @$$.

SUPREMENOTORIOUS

easier said than done:ohwell:

songbyrdsweet

easier said than done:ohwell:

My ex did the same thing...he even went so far as to become physically abusive and restrain me when I tried to leave. He stalked me, parking across the lot from my apartment, or hiding in the bushes below my 2nd story window. He'd call my phone continuously (had to change my number). But I STILL left. If you want to leave, you can. It doesn't sound like you rely on him for anything, and his codependency problems will just cause jealousy issues and make everything a bigger problem than it really is.