SO SORRY EV1, But I need some help

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  • mjd0109
    mjd0109 Posts: 152
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    This may not be the answer you are looking for but once a cheater always a cheater. I was engaged to a man that had some "indiscretions" (emphasis on the multiple) in the past but I forgave him after apologized, swore he's never do It again and confessed his undying love for me. Lo and behold he did again while we were planning our wedding. needless to say, I left him

    He's not the only experience I've had with cheaters and liars so I can continue with the examples if you really want it.

    Think of it this way, you caught her cheating. Who knows how long or how many times this has happened before? If she can physically cheat, she's been emotionally cheating on you for a long time.

    It seems like in your head you know what you NEED to do but you're letting your heart do the talking about what it wants. I understand you love her, and unlike her, you've been loving your significant other for a long time but the past can't be undone. Moving on is NEVER easy but once its all said and done you will feel great and empowered. It's called a break up, because its broken.

    I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this, best wishes to you and continue to lose weight and feel great (regardless of how it turns out with her)
  • sdwelk11
    sdwelk11 Posts: 825
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    I really dont want to give you false hope. My brother went thru this with his wife 20 years ago. They had 3 young children at the time. From 3-8. Two boys and 1 girl. My Sister-in-law cheated with a co-worker and my brother and her seperated. They went to a mediator and were ready to divorce. They decided to give it one last try. SHE WAS COMMITTED 100% to making things work. this meant NO contact with her boyfriend. I know how it tore my brother up and I really have never forgiven her for what she did. I can't say that they always had the best relationship but they were very very young when they had their first child and money was very scarce. 2/1/2011 they celebrated their 30 year anniversary. Their relationship issues have also caused problems for all three of their children in their relationships. They have learned that trust isnt always there, one has been cheated on, My niece refuses to marry her boyfriend because she doesnt believe that marriage will work. It is really sad to see how this affects the children. Even ugh the three children have seen my and My Husband's relationship and how much love, respect, and trust is there ; this doesnt take the place of their parents and what they grew up seeing.
    My advice to you is to walk away. To not fight in front of your children. To respect each other as parents and humans even if things end badly. You need to put your children first. Clearly she isn't 100% commited. Good luck and I know the damage that this can do to a family. Take some time for yourself and your children and step away. Take a good look at whether this is what should be done rather than what you want. You are in my prayers.
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
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    thee is never a good excuse to cheat on someone EVER!Your doing the right thing.
  • katschi
    katschi Posts: 689 Member
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    http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

    You will find lots of support there and people who have been where you are right now.
  • manymuses
    manymuses Posts: 162 Member
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    If you have kids involved, find a family and marriage counselor ASAP.
  • thankyou4thevenom
    thankyou4thevenom Posts: 1,581 Member
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    So sorry that sucks.

    I agree with a lot of people here. You're giving her the power.
    She is the one that cheated on you. You need to take it back.
  • SoonToBeNewTracey
    SoonToBeNewTracey Posts: 22
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    I am sorry you have to go through this. Here is my thought... Would she even be considering ending the affair if you hadn't found out? She got caught and now she is scrambling to do and say what you want to see and hear. I am not saying jump right over to the divorce attorney's office, but really think about her motivations and do what is right for you and your family!
    Good luck to you!!!
    Tracey
  • jfgstrack1
    jfgstrack1 Posts: 47
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    Please carefully read all the insights given you...there's nothing that I could add to only to say that after you ponder all these thoughts, the answer you seek will come in your own heart. Listen to your inner voice and go with that. Only you will have to live with the consequences. You will have to feel you did the right thing and are strong enough to do the right thing for your children.
  • StephanieBFree
    StephanieBFree Posts: 39 Member
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    Okay buddy....let's put things in perspective. I deal with these situations everyday through my work. You are the only one who can make this decision and I know it is a very difficult one. In my opinion, if you do decide to leave then the best thing you can do right away is to meet with legal council and decide on division of assets and access to the children. Once your decision is made and if it is to leave then seek the legal council immediately do not waste any time. The longer the time passes by the more difficult the other party becomes. Get something in place to protect yourself, your assets and the access to your children and your sanity. If it were me I would even seek out this legal council before telling her that the marriage is over (if that is what you decide.) Please do not take this as any legal advice just my opinion.

    Regardless, I wish you the very best of luck and most of all I wish you peace. I also was married before but to a husband who cheated. I am now married to an absolutely amazing man and have two beautiful children. I would never have met him had I not left my first husband.
  • chatnoire
    chatnoire Posts: 13 Member
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    What do *you* want from the relationship?

    If she is cheating, it is because she's not feeling secure in the relationship - either by some sort of built up miscommunication, or some anxiety she may be feeling.

    Snap decisions are not the best in the long run. If I were your wife, and I was told to make a supervised phone call to someone, I wouldn't feel committed either.

    I'd talk to a lawyer, and a therapist, if it were me. I'd see the therapist one and one, and together. I think maybe asking your wife why she has strayed - and let her answer. If she really says "no, I just don't want to work on it" - then let it go. If she does want to work on it, ask her what she can give to working on the relationship - then determine if *you* can live with that, and work with it.

    It's a 2 person game.
  • mikeyml
    mikeyml Posts: 568 Member
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    Okay buddy....let's put things in perspective. I deal with these situations everyday through my work. You are the only one who can make this decision and I know it is a very difficult one. In my opinion, if you do decide to leave then the best thing you can do right away is to meet with legal council and decide on division of assets and access to the children. Once your decision is made and if it is to leave then seek the legal council immediately do not waste any time. The longer the time passes by the more difficult the other party becomes. Get something in place to protect yourself, your assets and the access to your children and your sanity. If it were me I would even seek out this legal council before telling her that the marriage is over (if that is what you decide.) Please do not take this as any legal advice just my opinion.

    Regardless, I wish you the very best of luck and most of all I wish you peace. I also was married before but to a husband who cheated. I am now married to an absolutely amazing man and have two beautiful children. I would never have met him had I not left my first husband.

    The OP is a divorce lawyer. He just didn't want to have it happen to him.
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
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    Your wife cheated, and she's not remorseful. She's hesitant to break it off. She needs more time. Why? Because she feels if she waits long enough, you'll eventually get sick of it and make the decision for her. Which is what she wants. She doesn't want to be the "bad guy." If she cheats, but then you file for divorce, she can tell people that you didn't want to work it out. She's pushing back the deadline because she doesn't want to come back, but she doesn't want to admit it to you and look bad.

    When my ex husband left me, he denied having an affair. Denies it to this day, even though I have proof. Because it's bad enough that he left his wife and kids. But to cheat? Even worse. Same thing with your wife. It's bad enough that she cheated on you, but to leave you for another man as well? Imagine what people will think! That's where she's at. She's stringing you along so you force the decision. Then it's about what you did, and not what she did.

    The question you have to ask yourself is: Can you live with someone who betrayed you in the worst way? What will your life look like? Will you question, become suspicious, and end up destroying everything? I know this about myself: When I'm cheated on, I'm done. Because I can't live with someone who would so willingly hurt me this way. As one of the previous posters said - the fact that she was even open to the advances of someone else means she was ready to betray you a long time ago.

    Everyone makes mistakes in a marriage. I'm sure you made yours. Can you forgive her? Maybe some day. But can you live with her and stay married to her knowing what you do? That's the question you have to be able to answer yes to.

    You're in my thoughts.

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