for the married peeps...

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  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
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    My husband is great totally supportave,I let him bring anything he wants into the house.I just dont eat it if its something I cant have.
    I love my hubby he tells me everyday,that even if i was unable to drop 1 more pound i am still the sexyist woman alive.
    and I belive it when he says it.
  • Dianielle
    Dianielle Posts: 50
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    I feel like maybe your husband, probally only use to the things that use to make you happy. Not that he probly doesnt think the "What Ifs", but you have to remember that you two are a union, and this is team work. You may be able to inspire to loose weight, or if hes in shape already, just to eat better. You have to remember that for 12years hes adjusted to what you use to like, make him realize all the new things you like and want. Remember communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Ask yourself when you loose weight are you still go love him the same as you did 12years, appartently he stuck by you 12years, when some of those years you wasnt even happy with yourself? Just a thought, however keep up the good work, and remember its okay adjust to change
  • dougstevens
    dougstevens Posts: 208 Member
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    I seem to be (err.. I am) GUILTY of the same thing. In the past, I would bring home foods that I thought we both would enjoy and shared. For example, buying Girl Scout Cookies was thought of as a treat and good thing. It something we enjoy, and I'm promoting a good cause (okay, that's just an excuse).

    Oh boy, has she let me know about the bad foods I've brought into the house.

    Okay, so now I've learned my lesson (still improving). If I was to give my wife a treat, would a gym membership be okay? The price of a month's membership is comparable to the cost of a whole cake, cookies, and other junk foods I would buy in a month's time. Or would it be saying, "hey I think you need this" and be frowned upon; when I'm really trying to say, "hey, thought this is something you would enjoy, it goes nicely with your personal goal; its not junk food. (... and aren't you happy that I am doing good on the gift)?"

    Actually, her birthdy is next month. I was considering getting her an eliptical and/or heart-rate monitor with calorie counter. Or is that just like getting a gym membership?

    btw, that green text at bottom of most posts, where is that from? the signature? I've figured that SW, CW and GW means starting weight, current weight and goal weight respectively. But, what does "HW" mean? (my guess is heaviest weight?)
  • noneya2010
    noneya2010 Posts: 446 Member
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    My husband does this exact same thing! I have even encouraged him NOT to bring junk in the house because our 5 yr old eats it too and I keep saying it's not good for him to have all this junk, yada ya. However, this past Valentines Day, I think he passed a huge milestone by not brining me chocolates but perfume instead!

    He also always says I'll only be on a diet for about 2 weeks!! Ok - so that used to be true -- but this time, I have been going strong since Feb. 1 so I really think he is finally respecting my choices in what I am eating now. I even heard him tell his mom the other day he needs to start eating more healthy! lol (His mom is here from India until May and cooks for him every day/evening. While Indian food is very healthy, she uses a container of oil per WEEK!!! Last time she was here, and I was trying to diet, I tried to tell her to cook with less oil but she doesn't think things taste as good so she continues to pour on the oil. I told DH the other day when I heard him talking about needing to lose his stomach, that if he will tell his mom to chill out on the oil, her food would be fine but as long as he continued to eat her food, he was ingesting like 64 oz of canola oil each week!! He is not over weight at all, but is getting a beer belly for his stature. Also, his cholesterol and triglycerides are sky high. I'm telling ya -- it's that oil!!!!! When she left after her last visit, I actually wrote the date on the top of the oil lid to see how long that woudl last us -- it was lasting us 3-4 months!!!!!!!

    I think your DH means well just isn't using his head! People without weight issues don't realize we just can't have certain things! Some of us -- ever!!
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
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    It is sabotage. Be strong and call him on it. Better to go to waste than your waist. Your husband isNOT trying to treat you. A treat would be a gym membership, movie tickets or walk in the park.


    im sure hes not doing it on purpose,men DO not think like women.I dont know why so many women keep thinking they do.Really and if you going to change your life dont you think you should change the part of you that says just because there is something bad for me in the house I HAVE to eat it.
    There is not some big conspirosy from the men to keep us fat.
    most of the time i think they are just doing it because they think it would make us happy
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
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    It is sabotage. Be strong and call him on it. Better to go to waste than your waist. Your husband isNOT trying to treat you. A treat would be a gym membership, movie tickets or walk in the park.


    im sure hes not doing it on purpose,men DO not think like women.I dont know why so many women keep thinking they do.Really and if you going to change your life dont you think you should change the part of you that says just because there is something bad for me in the house I HAVE to eat it.
    There is not some big conspirosy from the men to keep us fat.
    most of the time i think they are just doing it because they think it would make us happy

    THANK YOU. Any man who would try to sabotage your weight loss was probably a controlling jerk beforehand. But if he wasn't controlling before, don't assume he's deliberately sabotaging you now. Most of the time when they bring treats, they're just showing love. If they used to make your day better by bringing you donuts or whatever, they'll still do that unless you ask them not to.

    Why doesn't anybody talk to their spouse before making negative judgments about their motivations? Have a conversation! It's fun to talk to people. If you love him, you should be willing to discuss these things before automatically assuming that he's just insecure and trying to do you harm.
  • daddyratty
    daddyratty Posts: 305 Member
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    As a man, I agree with the statement above that we are simple creatures. Have you tried just talking to him to let him know how this makes you feel? I mean REALLY share that this makes you upset. Be sure to let him know that you don't think he's TRYING to sabotage you, but that this is what it feels like. In our marriage, we can always feel pretty safe about sharing how something makes us FEEL, and distinguish this between what the intent is.

    He may think the gym will help, but this has been a big downfall for me over the years. Something Bob Harper said on The Biggest Loser a few weeks ago has pretty much become my new life motto. It went, roughly, like this: exercise is important, but not as important as changing what you eat, and neither of these are as important as changing the way you THINK about both of the first two. This is where true change happens.

    When I have begun workout regiments in the past, I've used it as an excuse to just eat whatever I want. That doesn't really get me anywhere. A really good workout might burn 1,500 calories. A super-sized Mushroom & Swiss burger with large fries at McDonalds is 1600+.

    Now that I'm on mfp.com, I'm much more disciplined. In just two weeks, I can already sense the way I think about food changing. I went through Costco with the kids the other day and got them samples but didn't get a single one for myself. Minor victory, but it helps me to know that my way of thinking is changing.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes!
  • Valtishia
    Valtishia Posts: 811 Member
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    I was at my highest weight when I met my husband. Although he loves me regardless of size he has mentioned he finds the higher confidence level pretty sexy :)

    He is usually pretty good about helping me but I have to give him specific instructions... like don't bring this into the house or if he cooks to serve my meal in a smaller plate, etc. Sometimes he gets away from it and just needs a reminder when it goes too far, but he will help as long as he knows how.

    I try to help him too but it is a little harder with him as he absolutely loves to eat. He has always been that way, even as a child. So I try to get him to eat more veggies, just little things to lessen the damage since I can't really stop him from eating so much. I even bought small plastic bowls that fit about a cup into it. He uses this for icecream now as oppose to eating it straight outta the tub.
  • fitnesspirateninja
    fitnesspirateninja Posts: 667 Member
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    It's really difficult to answer questions like this without knowing the people involved. This isn't a "one answer fits all" situation. But if you've spent most of your marriage reacting positively to your husband bringing home German chocolate cake, then it seems reasonable to assume that he's just trying to be nice. It takes time to adjust to new eating habits, especially if you weren't the one who decided to change.
  • sarahliftsUP
    sarahliftsUP Posts: 752 Member
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    I have the opposite "problem." I bring junk food into the house for me, and my husband eats it before I get a chance!

    haha Same with me!! I have a piece of the cake or just one cookie and my boyfriend will eat the rest for me! I know it says 'married' peeps on the topic but we've been together for 10 years now..

    I would definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that if he wants to eat those sorts of things he can, but hide them from you. I know from experience my boyfriend can be really not with it when I'm trying to eat healthy.. He'd bring me a cookie and I would respond with, "I'm trying to eat healthy!" and his response would be.. "but you like cookies..?" I really doubt that he is purposely trying to sabotage your weight loss. You just need to sit and have a talk with him.
  • callipygianchronicle
    callipygianchronicle Posts: 811 Member
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    I think it’s interesting, and perhaps telling, that you perceive it as sabotage. Whether or not it is, only the two of you can say. But, I believe in reflection and introspection and I think that you have to look at why you would assume that your partner for life would be out to harm you in this journey, as opposed to being your rock of support and number one cheerleader. I’m not saying to ask why he would do it, but to ask yourself why you think he has. Because sabotage is not the only way to look at someone bringing a black forest cake home. He could be saying, “I trust in your ability to meet your goal so much, that I know you can make good choices about what to eat and how much.” In other words, maybe bringing in a black forest cake is his way of showing how much faith he has in the work you are doing, not the other way around. The problem, then, is not in the action, but in your perception of it. And it’s what lies behind that perception that needs the work. But I put that out there only as possibility. Because no one knows the dynamics of a longterm relationship like the people in it.
  • luby162
    luby162 Posts: 2
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    I seem to be (err.. I am) GUILTY of the same thing. In the past, I would bring home foods that I thought we both would enjoy and shared. For example, buying Girl Scout Cookies was thought of as a treat and good thing. It something we enjoy, and I'm promoting a good cause (okay, that's just an excuse).

    Oh boy, has she let me know about the bad foods I've brought into the house.

    Okay, so now I've learned my lesson (still improving). If I was to give my wife a treat, would a gym membership be okay? The price of a month's membership is comparable to the cost of a whole cake, cookies, and other junk foods I would buy in a month's time. Or would it be saying, "hey I think you need this" and be frowned upon; when I'm really trying to say, "hey, thought this is something you would enjoy, it goes nicely with your personal goal; its not junk food. (... and aren't you happy that I am doing good on the gift)?"

    Actually, her birthdy is next month. I was considering getting her an eliptical and/or heart-rate monitor with calorie counter. Or is that just like getting a gym membership?

    btw, that green text at bottom of most posts, where is that from? the signature? I've figured that SW, CW and GW means starting weight, current weight and goal weight respectively. But, what does "HW" mean? (my guess is heaviest weight?)

    I agree that if i bought my wife a membership to a gym i would be sleeping with the dog in the garage...or if i bought her an Elliptical that was surely for her as well... I did buy my wife a reebok heart rate monitor that counts calories spent for her that she programmed with her weight and height so it is tailored to her and she loved it. I think it says here is a peice of equipment to help you keep track of your progress rather than here get on this Elliptical.... Either way, good luck
  • daddyratty
    daddyratty Posts: 305 Member
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    Oh, to add to my previous comment, my wife - who has never had a weight problem, eats very healthy and feeds our kids a very healthy (little if any sugar) diet - has begun to really believe that this change is for real.

    I say this because I've *tried* many different programs (Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc.) several times over our 10 years of marriage, and she's on board sometimes and not others. I think looking back that her being on board or not is really a function of how serious she felt I was about the change.

    This would sound weird to many, but whatever: last week she made some Trader Joe's chocolate pudding (very delicious, by the way, and fairly low calorie), and she mentioned having portioned it out into smaller bowls to help me. That she had my back in this effort like that was an emotional turn-on for me. We've already cleared out some of the less healthy snacks and it's becoming a team effort.

    I can't wait for my kids to see pictures of me from when they were little and ask why I was so big.
  • scagneti
    scagneti Posts: 707 Member
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    Okay, so now I've learned my lesson (still improving). If I was to give my wife a treat, would a gym membership be okay? The price of a month's membership is comparable to the cost of a whole cake, cookies, and other junk foods I would buy in a month's time. Or would it be saying, "hey I think you need this" and be frowned upon; when I'm really trying to say, "hey, thought this is something you would enjoy, it goes nicely with your personal goal; its not junk food. (... and aren't you happy that I am doing good on the gift)?"

    Actually, her birthdy is next month. I was considering getting her an eliptical and/or heart-rate monitor with calorie counter. Or is that just like getting a gym membership?

    Here's the thing about that --- unless your wife has specifically stated to you that she would like a gym membership or a HRM, do NOT buy a woman something that could be construed as saying "here is a tool to help you lose weight". It will often NOT go over well. Even if it is something that she'd like/be able to use, she will focus on the "OMG he's trying to tell me I'm fat" aspect of the gift. You know how men are very, very simple creatures? They'll tell you exactly what they want, when they want it and how much they want? Well women are the opposite. We are extremely complex. So complex that we will make an issue out of the simplest things. And everyone will take her side because you're the mean man who bought her something that essentially called her fat!
  • vox23
    vox23 Posts: 246 Member
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    Because it's too late to edit my post....

    My husband and I have talked. Exhaustively. At home, in therapy. I have told him several times not to bring stuff into the house, and even though I agree that ultimately we are responsible for what we put in our mouths, even the strongest willed individual can't resist their favorite "treats" all the time. For me, out of sight, out of mind works best!

    Neither me or my other half have ever been in shape, at least the duration of our courtship until now, and my husband has been diabetic for the last 7 years or so. I have been trying to encorporate a healthy lifestyle in my home for not only me, but for my two young boys, as well as him. When he said he wanted to go on mfp I was optimistic. However, since he's been on here, he gives no thought as to what he is eating and logs in at the end of the day to see where he sits, and, while he has not been over every day, a whole days worth of calories often comes from lunch which consists of cookies, milkshakes, mall foodcourt food and beer. I am finding all sorts of frustrating trying to help someone who wont' help themselves, and when I'm told that I'm suppose to be mean to him (his words) to keep him on track I want to through up my hands and say forget it! There's a difference between being supportive and being a babysitter, isn't there?

    So I suppose maybe there are more issues than just the treats he brings home.

    Thanks everyone for your feedback and support!
  • Phera
    Phera Posts: 269 Member
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    My husband also brings home treats. He doesn't do it to sabotage me as he just tries to do things that make me happy. When I let him now that I appreciate that he's thinking of me but the sweets don't make me happy in the long term he started changing his behavior. Now he texts me when he's thinking of me or he'll buy flowers. I think without knowing more about the relationship between you and your husband, we can't make judgments about his behavior. I made a universal wish list to help him find things I really want as presents on amazon and that has helped relieve his stress significantly when it comes time for gifts.
  • Ding724
    Ding724 Posts: 791 Member
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    My husband ALWAYS brought me treats home which is why after only 1 year of marriage I gained about 25lbs!!! YIKES! [obviously not blaming him...I was the one putting them in my mouth] Needless to say, I simply asked him not to bring me anything home unless I ask for it now. His idea of showing love is though gifts & so now I get alot of flowers & cards which is definitely better for my waistline :laugh: If I were you, I'd just try to tell him. Be up-front about how you feel & what you need.

    - I just saw what you posted about already having talked exhaustively about the topic, in which case I think that you could try an old trick my mom used. Put a picture of yourself at your heaviest/heavy weight & post it inside the cupboard door. That way, even when you're tempted to eat the treats that he brings home, you'll see that picture right next to the cake/cookies/chips/etc. Just an idea -
  • tyoung75
    tyoung75 Posts: 51 Member
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    My husband has the concern... and jokes often that once I lose the weight I'll be looking elsewhere. I remind him regularly that I love him and I'm doing this for him as well as for myself. He's gotten to the point now that he's very conscious of what I'm trying to accomplish and he asks all the time... "Is this terrible for me? What should I get instead?". That makes me so happy!

    Don't get me wrong... for a while before this past couple weeks he was horrible. Bringing home Taco Bell and Junk food left and right. And asking me if I wanted a bite!! He's seen now that that wasn't supportive and he's working harder to be supportive.
  • bsoxluvr
    bsoxluvr Posts: 183 Member
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    My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?
  • tyoung75
    tyoung75 Posts: 51 Member
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    My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?

    I have done P90X and he saw it and was like NO WAY!! lol... I wish I could get him into that. :)

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