for the married peeps...

callipygianchronicle

I think it’s interesting, and perhaps telling, that you perceive it as sabotage. Whether or not it is, only the two of you can say. But, I believe in reflection and introspection and I think that you have to look at why you would assume that your partner for life would be out to harm you in this journey, as opposed to being your rock of support and number one cheerleader. I’m not saying to ask why he would do it, but to ask yourself why you think he has. Because sabotage is not the only way to look at someone bringing a black forest cake home. He could be saying, “I trust in your ability to meet your goal so much, that I know you can make good choices about what to eat and how much.” In other words, maybe bringing in a black forest cake is his way of showing how much faith he has in the work you are doing, not the other way around. The problem, then, is not in the action, but in your perception of it. And it’s what lies behind that perception that needs the work. But I put that out there only as possibility. Because no one knows the dynamics of a longterm relationship like the people in it.

luby162

I seem to be (err.. I am) GUILTY of the same thing. In the past, I would bring home foods that I thought we both would enjoy and shared. For example, buying Girl Scout Cookies was thought of as a treat and good thing. It something we enjoy, and I'm promoting a good cause (okay, that's just an excuse).

Oh boy, has she let me know about the bad foods I've brought into the house.

Okay, so now I've learned my lesson (still improving). If I was to give my wife a treat, would a gym membership be okay? The price of a month's membership is comparable to the cost of a whole cake, cookies, and other junk foods I would buy in a month's time. Or would it be saying, "hey I think you need this" and be frowned upon; when I'm really trying to say, "hey, thought this is something you would enjoy, it goes nicely with your personal goal; its not junk food. (... and aren't you happy that I am doing good on the gift)?"

Actually, her birthdy is next month. I was considering getting her an eliptical and/or heart-rate monitor with calorie counter. Or is that just like getting a gym membership?

btw, that green text at bottom of most posts, where is that from? the signature? I've figured that SW, CW and GW means starting weight, current weight and goal weight respectively. But, what does "HW" mean? (my guess is heaviest weight?)

I agree that if i bought my wife a membership to a gym i would be sleeping with the dog in the garage...or if i bought her an Elliptical that was surely for her as well... I did buy my wife a reebok heart rate monitor that counts calories spent for her that she programmed with her weight and height so it is tailored to her and she loved it. I think it says here is a peice of equipment to help you keep track of your progress rather than here get on this Elliptical.... Either way, good luck

daddyratty

Oh, to add to my previous comment, my wife - who has never had a weight problem, eats very healthy and feeds our kids a very healthy (little if any sugar) diet - has begun to really believe that this change is for real.

I say this because I've *tried* many different programs (Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc.) several times over our 10 years of marriage, and she's on board sometimes and not others. I think looking back that her being on board or not is really a function of how serious she felt I was about the change.

This would sound weird to many, but whatever: last week she made some Trader Joe's chocolate pudding (very delicious, by the way, and fairly low calorie), and she mentioned having portioned it out into smaller bowls to help me. That she had my back in this effort like that was an emotional turn-on for me. We've already cleared out some of the less healthy snacks and it's becoming a team effort.

I can't wait for my kids to see pictures of me from when they were little and ask why I was so big.

scagneti

Okay, so now I've learned my lesson (still improving). If I was to give my wife a treat, would a gym membership be okay? The price of a month's membership is comparable to the cost of a whole cake, cookies, and other junk foods I would buy in a month's time. Or would it be saying, "hey I think you need this" and be frowned upon; when I'm really trying to say, "hey, thought this is something you would enjoy, it goes nicely with your personal goal; its not junk food. (... and aren't you happy that I am doing good on the gift)?"

Actually, her birthdy is next month. I was considering getting her an eliptical and/or heart-rate monitor with calorie counter. Or is that just like getting a gym membership?

Here's the thing about that --- unless your wife has specifically stated to you that she would like a gym membership or a HRM, do NOT buy a woman something that could be construed as saying "here is a tool to help you lose weight". It will often NOT go over well. Even if it is something that she'd like/be able to use, she will focus on the "OMG he's trying to tell me I'm fat" aspect of the gift. You know how men are very, very simple creatures? They'll tell you exactly what they want, when they want it and how much they want? Well women are the opposite. We are extremely complex. So complex that we will make an issue out of the simplest things. And everyone will take her side because you're the mean man who bought her something that essentially called her fat!

vox23

Because it's too late to edit my post....

My husband and I have talked. Exhaustively. At home, in therapy. I have told him several times not to bring stuff into the house, and even though I agree that ultimately we are responsible for what we put in our mouths, even the strongest willed individual can't resist their favorite "treats" all the time. For me, out of sight, out of mind works best!

Neither me or my other half have ever been in shape, at least the duration of our courtship until now, and my husband has been diabetic for the last 7 years or so. I have been trying to encorporate a healthy lifestyle in my home for not only me, but for my two young boys, as well as him. When he said he wanted to go on mfp I was optimistic. However, since he's been on here, he gives no thought as to what he is eating and logs in at the end of the day to see where he sits, and, while he has not been over every day, a whole days worth of calories often comes from lunch which consists of cookies, milkshakes, mall foodcourt food and beer. I am finding all sorts of frustrating trying to help someone who wont' help themselves, and when I'm told that I'm suppose to be mean to him (his words) to keep him on track I want to through up my hands and say forget it! There's a difference between being supportive and being a babysitter, isn't there?

So I suppose maybe there are more issues than just the treats he brings home.

Thanks everyone for your feedback and support!

Phera

My husband also brings home treats. He doesn't do it to sabotage me as he just tries to do things that make me happy. When I let him now that I appreciate that he's thinking of me but the sweets don't make me happy in the long term he started changing his behavior. Now he texts me when he's thinking of me or he'll buy flowers. I think without knowing more about the relationship between you and your husband, we can't make judgments about his behavior. I made a universal wish list to help him find things I really want as presents on amazon and that has helped relieve his stress significantly when it comes time for gifts.

Ding724

My husband ALWAYS brought me treats home which is why after only 1 year of marriage I gained about 25lbs!!! YIKES! [obviously not blaming him...I was the one putting them in my mouth] Needless to say, I simply asked him not to bring me anything home unless I ask for it now. His idea of showing love is though gifts & so now I get alot of flowers & cards which is definitely better for my waistline :laugh: If I were you, I'd just try to tell him. Be up-front about how you feel & what you need.

- I just saw what you posted about already having talked exhaustively about the topic, in which case I think that you could try an old trick my mom used. Put a picture of yourself at your heaviest/heavy weight & post it inside the cupboard door. That way, even when you're tempted to eat the treats that he brings home, you'll see that picture right next to the cake/cookies/chips/etc. Just an idea -

tyoung75

My husband has the concern... and jokes often that once I lose the weight I'll be looking elsewhere. I remind him regularly that I love him and I'm doing this for him as well as for myself. He's gotten to the point now that he's very conscious of what I'm trying to accomplish and he asks all the time... "Is this terrible for me? What should I get instead?". That makes me so happy!

Don't get me wrong... for a while before this past couple weeks he was horrible. Bringing home Taco Bell and Junk food left and right. And asking me if I wanted a bite!! He's seen now that that wasn't supportive and he's working harder to be supportive.

bsoxluvr

My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?

tyoung75

My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?

I have done P90X and he saw it and was like NO WAY!! lol... I wish I could get him into that.

vox23

My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?

I have done P90X and he saw it and was like NO WAY!! lol... I wish I could get him into that.

lol! I don't even think I could handle P90X from what I've heard. Actually I have invited him to join me in my workout vids. He has attempted twice, and I have to give him credit for trying.

fitnesspirateninja

So I suppose maybe there are more issues than just the treats he brings home.

I think you're probably right. It can be frustrating when you and your partner are in different places. Obviously, you're concerned about your husband's health and wellbeing. And you'd like to be working through this together. I can relate to that. But you can't force someone to make the choices you think are best. That kind of decision comes from within.

And the truth is, no one (not even your husband) can sabotage you. Your success depends entirely on you. Could he be more supportive? Yes. But his actions do not define who you are.

rcrea

You hang in there! I understand what you are going through. Mine never understood, still doesn't. And even though he is loving and kind, he's just not supportive in the way I need him to be. That's why I am on MFP, to seek out support in other ways, and I suspect that's why you are too. So bravo to you for still being here! Both of your journey's will be difficult and hopefully at somepoint something will click for your hubby too. Until then, just keep your feet firmly planted on the goals you already set for yourself and be the example you want to set for him. Show him how you need to be supported in this journey by supporting him that way.

eatingmysandshoe

Don't look at it as sabotage unless you've actually talked to him about it. He can't read your mind. He thinks he's being nice. And if he's not used to counting calories and doesn't know what your calorie budget is, he probably doesn't realize how much damage it does. Like I told my husband that I was upset that something I ate was over 300 calories for just one serving, and he said, "Well, that's not very much." Not realizing that my budget is 1400, so 300 is actually quite a lot for me. Communication is key.

Completely agree with this - my husband has always been slim, has never had to watch what he eats, and genuinely has no concept of how many calories are in things - you could tell him a Mars had 20 cals or 2000, and he really wouldn't know which. So he'll buy me something nice, really just to be nice, not to sabotage, and doesn't realise the proportion of my daily cals it would take. But also, he is one of these (odd!) ppl who can have one square of choc and put it away, 1 bisc from a packet etc, so when he tells me just to have a little bit if it's too many calories he doesn't understand that just one whiff of chocolate and the whole bar's gone!

mlb929

I haven't read the responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating. I believe that down to the core, men and women just think differently. My husband doesn't buy flower at valentines day, but he's the first to take the trash out "for me". Its funny, I view it as a chore that needed to be done, he thinks he did something special

It gets better, IMO, your man isn't doing it to make your diet not successful, he's doing it out of years of making you happy that way and he doesn't know any different. Here's what I've had to to, specifically tell him, to make me happy today I need you to do this..... or next time you want to do something special, a walk with me would be cake - my favorite is, I really need to you to take the kids geocaching (he hates it) so that I can go on a long run.

When he starts to see signs of your success, he will reward you in ways you don't realize. My husband last week had his co-workers taking about their diet and exercise plans, he told me "I didn't have anything to add to the conversation for myself, so I bragged about you". It felt super thinking at 20 years of marriage, he would still brag about me. It's those little things.

And besides, the dog would love the cake

ChefJenn

oh im with you.
ive been married for 10 yrs.
I lost 140 pounds back in 2005 , and since have gained 50 back. and Im trying really hard to lose it and my husband tells me this stupid calorie counting is dumb that if I would just work out I will be fine.
He is a semi tennis pro and burns like 10,000 calories a day playing tennis. He has to have lot of carbs and buys stuff I will not eat and over the years I have learned not to eat them and i just ignore him now but in the last two months me not eating the same things as him and not going out to eat with him is affecting us BIG TIME.

I think he is jealous not wanting me to be skinny again. b/c he knows other men look at me and he hates it

* if your husband wants to get you treats teach him the more healthy treats to get you

deandp371

I wonder if you might "accidentally" get rid of this stuff from time to time? We hate to throw things out, but this is poison - not food! Just a thought...

bsoxluvr

My husband did the same thing at first, but I have recently got him to start doing P90x with me and now I hear him talk about calories and portion size. Is there any chance he can start to make some of the changes with you so he understands a little more of what you are accomplishing?

I have done P90X and he saw it and was like NO WAY!! lol... I wish I could get him into that.

lol! I don't even think I could handle P90X from what I've heard. Actually I have invited him to join me in my workout vids. He has attempted twice, and I have to give him credit for trying.

Trust me it's not easy for him! In fact, so far I'm kicking his butt on most things :bigsmile: Luckily I'm blessed with a hubby who wants to be on the journey with me and is willing to endure some pain along the way.

davish28

I don't have this problem with my husband. It's my coworkers. I always feel like they are trying to sabatoge me. lol! Maybe I'm just paranoid.

davish28

I don't have this problem with my husband. It's my coworkers. I always feel like they are trying to sabatoge me. lol! Maybe I'm just paranoid.

liscar

my first husband use to do that because he thought I would get all in shape and OTHER people would find me attractive. Insecurity.

liscar

I don't have this problem with my husband. It's my coworkers. I always feel like they are trying to sabatoge me. lol! Maybe I'm just paranoid.

No - you make them feel bad about themselves because you are changing for the better and it's for them to bring you down with them, then they don't feel so bad about themselves. bummer, but I don't even think they realize they do it.

appleshells

Since my husband is right along side of me doing the weight loss, I also don't have that problem.

I do however have the co-workers problem. They bring in so much junk.

Nigel99

As my gf and I have been together for nearly 11 years, I feel like I can ring in on this even without the official paperwork.

If having "bad" foods around is too much temptation, then the OP's husband shouldn't be bringing the food in the house. Let him know why.

My gf doesn't like many fresh veggies, doesn't care for fish, and many other things that I'm eating as part of a healthier diet. That isn't so much of a problem, as we have come up with some options for both of us. The problem comes when she wants to make chili or soup. She'll make enough to serve 8, but there will be enough things added in that the sodium level ends up being more than I prefer for a meal (even with a couple of low sodium elements in the recipe).

It is ok for me to plan a day where I'm eating less sodium to allow for a high sodium meal, but I would prefer not to have to try to re-arrange my eating for 4-5 days to fit in the soup/chili. She isn't intentionally sabotaging me, but I just need to get her to make fewer portions of things like that.

mattcoop

I understand... I've lost 60 lbs and I ask my wife not to buy things that sabotage my good eating habits but she wants nothing to do with eating healthy. In time, I imagine she will change. I hope so, but its hard ... that's why I might as well be in this forum with like-minded people (I don't care no matter what stage you are on here... the biggest part is recognizing that fitness and nutrition is the best start to a happy, healthy long life.

klmay999

Well, I've been married of 31yrs and I am the hubby on the diet/exersise program to get my health back.

And it's my wife that brings all the junk food into the house usually. I had to add that "usually" cause sometimes you do have to give yourself some kind of bad treat. Just to keep sanity.

She is almost as trim as she was back when I met her at age 15, now she's 49. When we met I was 18 and 128 lbs. Of course those days are gone, but I do deal with the "enabling" spouse.

I just say - shame on you honey - stop it.

Kevin

daddyratty

I started to create another reply to this and decided to make it a fresh post instead ... it's here:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/183674-some-thoughts-on-spouses-not-yet-on-board