Hurt feelings

kittyinaz

So I'm meeting my boyfriends family for the first time tomorrow. He and I have been together 2 years, almost had a child together (I had a miscarriage) and we have no plans on getting married for various reasons for each of us. We are planning on trying for another child next year and plan on being in a relationship for as long as the relationship stays good.

His family is doing professional pictures when we are there (my parents paid for him and I to fly to Delaware so I could meet them) and I'm not allowed to be in them because he and I aren't married. I am SO feaking sick of people needing a piece of paper for it to be official.

My feelings are a bit hurt and I'm not sure if they should be or not. What's your guys' opinions?

(I have a feeling some of you may ask our age thinking we are young, but I am 26 and he is 36.)

glorod

This has actually happened to me where Im left out...but Im actually married and have been for 7 years. Sometimes inlaws can be cruel. I know when it happened to me I was so hurt and my husband saw that it bothered me and decided not to take the picture after all. It was also several other occasions when i was intentionally left out...family gatherings, birthday parties etc...

In your case it may not be that they are being mean to you but they have never met you and I can see where that would be weird to have someone that Ive never met in my family picture. Maybe your boyfriend can suggest that you be in the picture and see where it goes from there. You dont want to fly out there to be uncomfortable..

Best Wishes

sue26

well, my feelings would be hurt if it was me. So, if and when yoiu have a child will the child be included but not you? I think his family are being petty and shortsighted, but what does he think about it?

KickassYas

wow i mean i don't know what all the circumstances are but you have every right to feel hurt. it doesn't make what they are doing wrong. i mean it may be that they have extremely hardcore beliefs that differ from yours. you can't change this. but no one can take away your feelings. and right now they are hurt.

it sounds like a sad situation. has he tried to stick up for your relationship at all? i mean it wouldn't behoove you both to cause a riff in the family but would they not listen to any reason being that neither of you want to get married?

anyway like i said, you cannot change others' beliefs but you do have a right to feel the way you do. that is justified.

jon_dub

You have the right to feel the way you do. You are his choice and because they are stuck in their traditions and what they feel is right they are going are not including you. I would say this is something that your BF has to stick up for you on with his family. He should really be the one that says hey she is my choice and my family i would like her included.

devils avocate: They might be trying to make a statement because they are unhappy with his views. (however that is no reason to do that)

ronieslp

I'm so sorry you are feeling hurt. This rejection from his family can be painful. I was in a19 year relationship. We lived with each other for that length of time without getting married. I spent all holidays and family events and family life with them. This included times when several family members would say that I wasn't family, even after all that time. It is hurtful, but people have this idea that a couple needs a piece of paper. It could also be because you've been together only 2 years. If you guys are seriously contemplating marriage, then it will happen when you want it. Good luck to you.

Marcellus_08

WHAT!?! You totally have every right to be hurt. I would seriously crushed Try and have a good time when you go, main word being TRY. I feel ya.

Mariposa187

That's a tough one! I know that my feelings would be hurt as well but i kind of understand where they are coming from. Maybe they think that since you are not married then there is that looming "she might not be in his life forever" notion which would cause them to feel like they would have to remove the pic if you guys did not work out. Marriage (legally) is something that a lot of people see as a long term commitment which is obviously not the case since the divorce rate is up to about fifty percent. I would suggest that you tell your boyfriend how you feel and see what he suggests. If you guys are in for the long haul even though you are not legally married then i would feel like he should say something.

I hope this helps. and hey if they dont want their picture to be sexy then its their loss!

ninyagwa

I agree with what some other people are saying. I think your boyfriend should mention that it hurts your feelings that you are being excluded, perhaps they should take one with you, and one without, so that whomever is concerned about the non-marriage/blood part of the family in the photo can still have their pristine picture, and anyone who is open to it may have a photo of you and your boyfriend, I can't imagine that everyone is against it. If you two plan on being a part of each other's lives for a long time and you have already attended family events together, I'm assuming some family would like to have you in a photo, so when they talk about their son/cousin/brother/familial relation and his significant other they have a photo to point to as well as a name to mention.

I hope you get it sorted out and at least get some peace of mind.

callipygianchronicle

You have a right to your feelings, but you did mention that you are meeting this extended family for the first time. That makes you a stranger to them with an ambiguous connection to their family. I can see why it wouldn’t occur to them to include you in a family portrait, which many see as an heirloom for their family. While you understand your deep connection to your partner, and view it as a lifelong commitment, many relationships break up after two years (or even longer). Your partner’s family are viewing this from the outside, since they do not have an established relationship with you...yet.

Their feelings may change when they meet you in person and see the deep connection you have with their loved one. Or, it may not. But, when you have not taken a traditional route to establishing that this is truly a life-long commitment, you cannot blame your partner’s family for not “getting” that you are in fact a permanent part of their loved one’s life. In truth, the fact that they don;t get it may be a sign for you that your partner hasn’t made it clear to them that you are his partner for life. And if that is the case, then there’s not better time than this trip for him to make that perfectly clear.

Greyhawkk

I didnt read any of the other posts..maybe someone said this...go...let them do their picture...then ask in a loud clear voice if the photographer has time to do one more of just you and him....make sure they hear ya.

kittyinaz

It was his sisters idea to not include me, and to be fair she isn't allowing her boyfriend in the picture either.

I never really thought about me being a stranger as a fact of it, so yeah I can see that.

Lol I agree with whoever said (sorry I'm on my phone so its cutting off some things) "so if you have a baby would it be included but not you?" That's what I was thinking, too.

I'm just gonna grin and bear it. My boyfriends response to it was "I don't like it either but that's my sister for ya..."

If anything, payback's a *****...lmao j/k j/k!!!!

zeeeb

I wouldn't include someone in a family photo either if i hadn't actually met them. Sorry to say it, but if it was serious, i would presume i would have been introduced to them. If you haven't been involved in the family's life to date, why would you expect that they put you in a family photo?

kittyinaz

I wouldn't include someone in a family photo either if i hadn't actually met them. Sorry to say it, but if it was serious, i would presume i would have been introduced to them. If you haven't been involved in the family's life to date, why would you expect that they put you in a family photo?

Well because we live in Arizona and they live across the United States in Delaware.... but thanks for the rude comment!

I'll have you know I'm quite involved... I take care of his two children and have to deal with his ex wife on an almost daily basis.

okinuk

Go get your own pictures taken. And while they're all doing the cheesy portrait, you could be getting a mani/pedi.

BunnybeeJG

So I'm meeting my boyfriends family for the first time tomorrow. He and I have been together 2 years, almost had a child together (I had a miscarriage) and we have no plans on getting married for various reasons for each of us. We are planning on trying for another child next year and plan on being in a relationship for as long as the relationship stays good.

His family is doing professional pictures when we are there (my parents paid for him and I to fly to Delaware so I could meet them) and I'm not allowed to be in them because he and I aren't married. I am SO feaking sick of people needing a piece of paper for it to be official.

My feelings are a bit hurt and I'm not sure if they should be or not. What's your guys' opinions?

(I have a feeling some of you may ask our age thinking we are young, but I am 26 and he is 36.)

i think unfortunately our society takes itself to seriously when it comes to religion and 'traditional' values. They forget that people out there do still love each other and its not all just for procreation anymore. Just think how horrible it is for those who can't marry because they aren't of opposite sex. ... but I don't think that it should be an issue. if you care about someone you care about them. why does there always have to be a piece of paper in the mix! in some weird way that works for college too. there are a lot of menial jobs out there now that require a degree. even just to sit there and type and answer phones. you'd think in this internet age... where you can learn anything you want ... we'd be evolving instead of living in a place where we're stuck. where people who are of higher 'powers' that are angry at the changes.. are trying so desperately to take us back to an era where rich white men ruled the world could cheat on their wives and control everything ... and you had to turn the other cheek. I think its ridiculas that they wouldn't let you do that just for PICTURES. like i said. some people need to take themselves a little less seriously.. maybe things would be better.

kittyinaz

i think unfortunately our society takes itself to seriously when it comes to religion and 'traditional' values. They forget that people out there do still love each other and its not all just for procreation anymore. Just think how horrible it is for those who can't marry because they aren't of opposite sex. ... but I don't think that it should be an issue. if you care about someone you care about them. why does there always have to be a piece of paper in the mix! in some weird way that works for college too. there are a lot of menial jobs out there now that require a degree. even just to sit there and type and answer phones. you'd think in this internet age... where you can learn anything you want ... we'd be evolving instead of living in a place where we're stuck. where people who are of higher 'powers' that are angry at the changes.. are trying so desperately to take us back to an era where rich white men ruled the world could cheat on their wives and control everything ... and you had to turn the other cheek. I think its ridiculas that they wouldn't let you do that just for PICTURES. like i said. some people need to take themselves a little less seriously.. maybe things would be better.

I completely agree. I hate how same sex couples can't get married. It's ridiculous.

I could see me not being in ALL of them, but you'd think they would have at least ONE with everybody. I don't see how that would be SO bad.

kimber607

It's just a picture in the grand scheme of things..I would try not to get too upset
They see it that you guys aren't married/no plans to do so (based on their opinions/values..that pisses them off) and because they have never met you, they are rationalizing ithat it's OK not to include u in the pic...I have to say I agree to an extent

My MIL is evil and I have dealt with her for way too long. just try to take the high road and keep the peace..not worth it


what does BF say??

RoadDog

Sounds like there is more to this than meets the eye.

1."We have no plans on getting married for various reasons for each of us."

No plans for marriage? Meeting family for first time? I can see their point. I wouldn't include my daughter's BF in a family pic under those circumstances, either, but, having said that, if you both feel strongly about it, your BF should make the argument for including you in the pic with his family.

2."I'll have you know I'm quite involved... I take care of his two children and have to deal with his ex wife on an almost daily basis. "

You phrase it as if you are the baby sitter.

kittyinaz

Sounds like there is more to this than meets the eye.

1."We have no plans on getting married for various reasons for each of us."

No plans for marriage? Meeting family for first time? I can see their point. I wouldn't include my daughter's BF in a family pic under those circumstances, either, but, having said that, if you both feel strongly about it, your BF should make the argument for including you in the pic with his family.

2."I'll have you know I'm quite involved... I take care of his two children and have to deal with his ex wife on an almost daily basis. "

You phrase it as if you are the baby sitter.

Yes, various reasons meaning I'd rather not put personal details for everyone to know and from how it sounds you'd tell me my reasons weren't valid anyway, which is why I didn't list each his and my reasons.

And I try very hard to be a good role model for these kids. I am a better mother to them than their own mother who doesn't make them shower, sends them to school with dirty, stained clothes and ratty nails and tangled hair. So yes there's much more than meets the eye but that wasn't the point. The point was asking if I should feel hurt or not, not to have you critique my relationship.

SHBoss1673

the real question to ask is whether they aren't including you because of the religious implications behind marriage, not the piece of paper involved. If they are keeping you out of it because it's only family in the traditional, religious sense, then I can see their point, while I am not a religious person, and find that concept a bit archaic, it's their fundamental right and perfectly reasonable for them.

NOW, if it's just the sister being petty and childish, that's a whole other issue, and you would be absolutely justified in being upset. On the other hand, remember, you are with him, not his family, and while you may have to suffer some infrequent hardships because of that, in the end, it's just a picture, and not worth becoming stressed and upset over.

Barelmy

Perhaps they simply don't understand. They may feel that a relationship without marriage is impermanent, or lacking commitment. Have you or your boyfriend explained to them that you intend for a very long-term relationship, or that you're trying for a baby? Do they know about the miscarriage?

FearAnLoathing

Im married and I have a son from a previous relationship and a daughter with my husband.We always send his dad an step mom tons of pictures.Well one time when we were visting they had put a picture of my daughter up on the fridge, the proboblem was the picture was orginally me my son AND daughter.They had cut me and my son out.It really sucked,and it hurt.My son also saw it.They made all sorts of excuses to my husband about why they did it ,but at the same time they never acknowledged me or my sons birthday or anything.Its ben a few years now and they are starting to treat us like part of the family now.Its still hurts but I dont see what you can do.You dont want to start a war between your boyfriend and his family.Alson they have never met you.Which could also play a role in the way they are acting.Just go vist be your awesome self and they will start to warm up im sure.

LorinaLynn

Personally, I would feel left out, too, but if the sister isn't including her own boyfriend in the photos, it doesn't sound like something you should take personally.

It also sounds like you and your boyfriend are married in every way but the paper. And I can respect that. I have friends who are the same way. But does the sister know that? Does she understand that this isn't just a typical, temporary boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? It should be up to your boyfriend to let her (and the rest of his family) know that you ARE family.

DowntimeDesigns

I apologize, but I agree with the family. The sisters boyfriend isn't in it either, and its not YOUR photo. If you were paying for it and it was going to hang above your mantle, you can put whoever you want in it... but its not.

iplayoutside19

This kind of stuff happens with families that are married.

I would vent your frustration to your BF. We don't control what extended families we come from, or their behavior. You can control what goes on in your relationship. I would focus on that.

RoadDog

Yes, various reasons meaning I'd rather not put personal details for everyone to know and from how it sounds you'd tell me my reasons weren't valid anyway, which is why I didn't list each his and my reasons.

And I try very hard to be a good role model for these kids. I am a better mother to them than their own mother who doesn't make them shower, sends them to school with dirty, stained clothes and ratty nails and tangled hair. So yes there's much more than meets the eye but that wasn't the point. The point was asking if I should feel hurt or not, not to have you critique my relationship.

I was definitely not saying that your reasons are not valid.

Possibly, my age is a factor, but, I never stayed involve with someone if I thought there was a definite reason why we couldn't get married. It's not that I wanted to marry any woman I dated, but rather, I didn't want to invest my emotions and time into something that was never going to progress from the beginning.

If your question is really as simple as "Should I feel hurt or not?" then my answer is "No."

sonjavon

I have a family picture in my home that was taken 2 years before my grandfather died and a year before both of my grandmothers died. In that picture is my mom, dad, brother and his wife (then fiance), my sister and her fiance, 2 grandmothers, my grandfather, me and my son. My sister is no longer with the man in the picture and there are hard feelings towards him. It was the last picture taken of my grandparents with us. It's hard to continually look at that picture because my sister's ex is in the picture. I really wish that we would have had a picture taken with JUST our family (as well as the one we had taken).

I understand why your feelings are hurt and mine would be too. I also understand a bit where they are coming from.

In your heart you're commited to their son/brother and his kids. But I'm sure they're thinking "What if?"

Maybe you could say something to the effect of.."I understand that you want a picture of just the family, but I was wondering if you would mind sitting for a second portrait with me and _________ (sisters boyfriend). Although we're not legally married, I really feel like you all are my second family because I love your son and grandkids so much. I'd love to be able to hang a portrait of all of us in my home. We'd be willing to pay for the extra fees..."

Whatever you decide to do - I wish you the best in your relationship.

freightdiva

I agree with his parents I guess I am old fashioned and want professional family photos with family only! I understand what you are saying but when people don't marry and just live together sometimes us older people don't understand?!

qtpiesmom

Not trying to be rude or anything but we did family pictures this past summer. I didnt not include my sisters boyfriend in them he was at the shoot. BUT the actual portrait we have hanging in our home is very expensive and when I made the choices for what pictures would be included in them I made sure not to include ones of him and her. The reasons behind this are....If they break up (which did happen) this picture would be hanging in our home for years to come and what happens if she meets someone else and they do get married how would that person feel seeing him in a picture of the family all the time.
Not saying your situation is the same, I can understand being hurt and upset but if they are having a full family picture you could be included but if its just blood relations then I do understand their thoughts behind it.
Try and not let this bother you to much enjoy your trip and getting to know them even though this has put negative thoughts into your head.
If it is bothering you ask why maybe there is more of a reason behind it

kevanos

Maybe you could say something to the effect of.."I understand that you want a picture of just the family, but I was wondering if you would mind sitting for a second portrait with me and _________ (sisters boyfriend). Although we're not legally married, I really feel like you all are my second family because I love your son and grandkids so much. I'd love to be able to hang a portrait of all of us in my home. We'd be willing to pay for the extra fees..."

I think this answer is the winner.

Having heard the arguments exoplained so well for why the family might not want to include you in the photo, it is understandable. It might hurt a little, but maybe that is part of the price topay to get in with the family. Letting them respecfully do their thing could put you in their good graces, and then asking so nicely for a 2nd photo could really warm them up to you. I could also see them say no to your request in which case you have taken the higher road and tried your best.

good luck.