Hurt feelings

Barelmy

Perhaps they simply don't understand. They may feel that a relationship without marriage is impermanent, or lacking commitment. Have you or your boyfriend explained to them that you intend for a very long-term relationship, or that you're trying for a baby? Do they know about the miscarriage?

FearAnLoathing

Im married and I have a son from a previous relationship and a daughter with my husband.We always send his dad an step mom tons of pictures.Well one time when we were visting they had put a picture of my daughter up on the fridge, the proboblem was the picture was orginally me my son AND daughter.They had cut me and my son out.It really sucked,and it hurt.My son also saw it.They made all sorts of excuses to my husband about why they did it ,but at the same time they never acknowledged me or my sons birthday or anything.Its ben a few years now and they are starting to treat us like part of the family now.Its still hurts but I dont see what you can do.You dont want to start a war between your boyfriend and his family.Alson they have never met you.Which could also play a role in the way they are acting.Just go vist be your awesome self and they will start to warm up im sure.

LorinaLynn

Personally, I would feel left out, too, but if the sister isn't including her own boyfriend in the photos, it doesn't sound like something you should take personally.

It also sounds like you and your boyfriend are married in every way but the paper. And I can respect that. I have friends who are the same way. But does the sister know that? Does she understand that this isn't just a typical, temporary boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? It should be up to your boyfriend to let her (and the rest of his family) know that you ARE family.

DowntimeDesigns

I apologize, but I agree with the family. The sisters boyfriend isn't in it either, and its not YOUR photo. If you were paying for it and it was going to hang above your mantle, you can put whoever you want in it... but its not.

iplayoutside19

This kind of stuff happens with families that are married.

I would vent your frustration to your BF. We don't control what extended families we come from, or their behavior. You can control what goes on in your relationship. I would focus on that.

RoadDog

Yes, various reasons meaning I'd rather not put personal details for everyone to know and from how it sounds you'd tell me my reasons weren't valid anyway, which is why I didn't list each his and my reasons.

And I try very hard to be a good role model for these kids. I am a better mother to them than their own mother who doesn't make them shower, sends them to school with dirty, stained clothes and ratty nails and tangled hair. So yes there's much more than meets the eye but that wasn't the point. The point was asking if I should feel hurt or not, not to have you critique my relationship.

I was definitely not saying that your reasons are not valid.

Possibly, my age is a factor, but, I never stayed involve with someone if I thought there was a definite reason why we couldn't get married. It's not that I wanted to marry any woman I dated, but rather, I didn't want to invest my emotions and time into something that was never going to progress from the beginning.

If your question is really as simple as "Should I feel hurt or not?" then my answer is "No."

sonjavon

I have a family picture in my home that was taken 2 years before my grandfather died and a year before both of my grandmothers died. In that picture is my mom, dad, brother and his wife (then fiance), my sister and her fiance, 2 grandmothers, my grandfather, me and my son. My sister is no longer with the man in the picture and there are hard feelings towards him. It was the last picture taken of my grandparents with us. It's hard to continually look at that picture because my sister's ex is in the picture. I really wish that we would have had a picture taken with JUST our family (as well as the one we had taken).

I understand why your feelings are hurt and mine would be too. I also understand a bit where they are coming from.

In your heart you're commited to their son/brother and his kids. But I'm sure they're thinking "What if?"

Maybe you could say something to the effect of.."I understand that you want a picture of just the family, but I was wondering if you would mind sitting for a second portrait with me and _________ (sisters boyfriend). Although we're not legally married, I really feel like you all are my second family because I love your son and grandkids so much. I'd love to be able to hang a portrait of all of us in my home. We'd be willing to pay for the extra fees..."

Whatever you decide to do - I wish you the best in your relationship.

freightdiva

I agree with his parents I guess I am old fashioned and want professional family photos with family only! I understand what you are saying but when people don't marry and just live together sometimes us older people don't understand?!

qtpiesmom

Not trying to be rude or anything but we did family pictures this past summer. I didnt not include my sisters boyfriend in them he was at the shoot. BUT the actual portrait we have hanging in our home is very expensive and when I made the choices for what pictures would be included in them I made sure not to include ones of him and her. The reasons behind this are....If they break up (which did happen) this picture would be hanging in our home for years to come and what happens if she meets someone else and they do get married how would that person feel seeing him in a picture of the family all the time.
Not saying your situation is the same, I can understand being hurt and upset but if they are having a full family picture you could be included but if its just blood relations then I do understand their thoughts behind it.
Try and not let this bother you to much enjoy your trip and getting to know them even though this has put negative thoughts into your head.
If it is bothering you ask why maybe there is more of a reason behind it

kevanos

Maybe you could say something to the effect of.."I understand that you want a picture of just the family, but I was wondering if you would mind sitting for a second portrait with me and _________ (sisters boyfriend). Although we're not legally married, I really feel like you all are my second family because I love your son and grandkids so much. I'd love to be able to hang a portrait of all of us in my home. We'd be willing to pay for the extra fees..."

I think this answer is the winner.

Having heard the arguments exoplained so well for why the family might not want to include you in the photo, it is understandable. It might hurt a little, but maybe that is part of the price topay to get in with the family. Letting them respecfully do their thing could put you in their good graces, and then asking so nicely for a 2nd photo could really warm them up to you. I could also see them say no to your request in which case you have taken the higher road and tried your best.

good luck.

forthefab5

I wouldn't include someone in a family photo either if i hadn't actually met them. Sorry to say it, but if it was serious, i would presume i would have been introduced to them. If you haven't been involved in the family's life to date, why would you expect that they put you in a family photo?

Well because we live in Arizona and they live across the United States in Delaware.... but thanks for the rude comment!

I'll have you know I'm quite involved... I take care of his two children and have to deal with his ex wife on an almost daily basis.

Just putting my 2 cents in... I'd be hurt as well but what can you do? Like you said, they live across the country so it's not like you would be dealing with them on a day to day basis anyway... Just ask them on the day to take one of just you and your boyfriend and get them to send it to you.

In relation to your post here though, it seems like you jump on the defensive far too quickly... you asked for opinions and once someone posted something that you didn't agree with, you took offense. Same goes for your reply to Road Dog...anyway, good luck and hope it goes well in any event!

kittyinaz

Just putting my 2 cents in... I'd be hurt as well but what can you do? Like you said, they live across the country so it's not like you would be dealing with them on a day to day basis anyway... Just ask them on the day to take one of just you and your boyfriend and get them to send it to you.

In relation to your post here though, it seems like you jump on the defensive far too quickly... you asked for opinions and once someone posted something that you didn't agree with, you took offense. Same goes for your reply to Road Dog...anyway, good luck and hope it goes well in any event!

Yes I am going to get defensive if you question whether my relationship is serious. And yes I'm going to get defensive if someone tries to push their values on me. I did not post a question asking to evaluate my relationship.

My boyfriend has voiced our opinion on the photos. I dont/wouldn't expect to be in ALL of them, that would be ridiculous. But when a few months ago I was carrying their grandchild I guess it just bugs me. Theh say I'm part of the family and I talk to them all very frequently. I guess I'm just being sensitive.

Mindful_Trent

You have a right to your feelings, but you did mention that you are meeting this extended family for the first time. That makes you a stranger to them with an ambiguous connection to their family. I can see why it wouldn’t occur to them to include you in a family portrait, which many see as an heirloom for their family. While you understand your deep connection to your partner, and view it as a lifelong commitment, many relationships break up after two years (or even longer). Your partner’s family are viewing this from the outside, since they do not have an established relationship with you...yet.

Their feelings may change when they meet you in person and see the deep connection you have with their loved one. Or, it may not. But, when you have not taken a traditional route to establishing that this is truly a life-long commitment, you cannot blame your partner’s family for not “getting” that you are in fact a permanent part of their loved one’s life. In truth, the fact that they don;t get it may be a sign for you that your partner hasn’t made it clear to them that you are his partner for life. And if that is the case, then there’s not better time than this trip for him to make that perfectly clear.

^^ This.

sonjavon

I guess I'm just being sensitive.

Sweetie, you lost a child - you have a right to be sensitive. And I'm sure that in the back of your mind you're wondering whether or not they would have fully accepted you if you had carried the baby to term. Those are natural thoughts, given the circumstances.

I didn't see where anyone was pushing their values on you or questioning the seriousness of your relationship. You said "We are planning on trying for another child next year and plan on being in a relationship for as long as the relationship stays good." That pretty much defines how "serious" your relationship is. There are plenty of marriages that happen under those same assumptions, unfortunately.

At 2 years together, you are a girlfriend - not yet "family". How long does it take to become "family"? I don't know.

Do you have the right to have your feeling hurt? You sure do! Do they have the right to not be as certain about the seriousness of your relationship as you are? They sure do. Let them know how much you WANT to be a part of their family and how much you love their son and grandkids. They'll come around.

kittyinaz

I didn't see where anyone was pushing their values on you or questioning the seriousness of your relationship. You said "We are planning on trying for another child next year and plan on being in a relationship for as long as the relationship stays good." That pretty much defines how "serious" your relationship is. There are plenty of marriages that happen under those same assumptions, unfortunately.

One person said that he must not be serious about ne if I haven't been introduced yet and Road Dog was trying to say the relationship isn't valid if there's no marriage.

Well, I say as long as it stays good because if we get married and one day (whether that be a month or 10 year from now) we can't stand each other then what was the point in getting married only to get divorced? I don't believe in trying to stay together just for children or to "prove" something if your heart isn't in it anymore.

But anyway, thank you for your words.

morningmom

....oops! I typed this on the wrong question....sorry! I guess I can't delete this, it is telling me I "can't have an empty post".