Will somone make me laugh

RoadDog

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing

some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into

the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything

different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down

again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,

MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat."

therobinator

www.peopleofwalmart.com/

lizdavis07

these are corney, but they make me giggle...

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
-a private tutor

Where do kings keep their armies?
-in their sleevies

seemae

A guy goes out drinking with his buddies. The next morning he wakes up, fully dressed, in his own bed. He's hung over and his face hurts. He crawls out of bed and looks in the mirror, to see that he has a huge black eye. He makes his way out to the kitchen, where he finds his favorite breakfast on the table with a flower and a loving note from his wife, saying that she's gone out to get some things for him and will be back soon.

The guy still doesn't really remember anything about the night before, so he asks his teenage son, "What happened last night? Do you know how I got this black eye?" The boy says, "Yeah, well, you came in pretty drunk. You tripped over the coffee table and crashed into the door -- that's probably when you got the black eye."

"OK," says the man, "that kind of makes sense. But what's with the breakfast and flower and love note from your Mom? She usually gets pretty mad if I have to much to drink."

"Oh, that!" laughs the son. "Well, after you fell down in the living room, Mom took you in to put you to bed. She tried to undress you, but you kept yelling, 'Keep your hands off me! I'm a married man!'"

Haha, that's great!

I used to know somewhere around a hundred different jokes (mostly corny ones), because I worked as a Bingo girl/Entertainer on a cruise ship but most of them are gone, though here is one I do remember...

There once was a captain named Captain Bravo who ventured the seas, which were full of pirates.

One day on his voyages, he and his men saw in the distance a pirate ship. He called his men together and before they battled, he cried, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The men brought him his red shirt and they were victorious against the pirates.

The next day, he and his men spotted TWO pirate ships sailing side by side. Although his men were frightened, he gathered them and yet again requested, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The men brought him his red shirt and they were yet again victorious against the pirates.

That night, among great celebration, one of Captain Bravo's men asked their leader, "Captain... why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"

Captain Bravo replied, "That way, if I am wounded in battle, you won't see the blood and will continue to fight on without fear."

The men were awed by his bravery and dedication. The night went on with much rejoicing.

The next day, the men looked out to see and saw not one... not two... but FIVE pirate ships nearing them. The men looked to Captain Bravo, and one asked nervously, "Shall I bring you your red shirt?"

Captain Bravo shook his head and calmly replied, "Bring me my brown pants."

hjsyndrome

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.



How do you do that, seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!

seemae

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

Always makes me laugh (usually uncontrollably till my boyfriend looks at me like I'm crazy)

Thank you for sharing this. I went through ten pages of this until I was laughing so hysterically I was crying and afraid that I was going to pee myself. I actually woke up my boyfriend I was laughing so hard and he was three rooms away, too.

PJilly

AT&T and T-Mobile have announced plans to marry. Sadly, there will be no reception.

RoadDog

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

RoadDog

Confucius Might Say

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

♥jewel♥

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for hallowe'en. When he gets to the first house, the lady who answers the said "Oh my you're cute, but where are your buccaneers" to which the boy replies "Under my buccanhat"