*Help* I could use a woman's perspective

Atlantique

Men always lose more quickly than do women. And yes, it is very frustrating for we women to see that! Unfortunately, you can't do anything about that bit except to help her set realistic expectations. Even overweight men carry more muscle than women and they don't have the same hormonal messages that keep a little more fat on women--even healthy women. So if she can revise her expectations so that she doesn't expect to keep pace with your losses, that might help a bit. She isn't failing! She's doing just fine!

It's true that she is probably carrying a bit of water as this much exercise is new, as was explained above.

It's important for your fiance to take measurements. She will be losing inches even in the weeks that the scale is not cooperating. That can be a HUGE motivator and measure of success!

There's probably nothing that's going to make her feel terrific about the fact that you can lose faster than she can. All you can do is be supportive and listen well.

DianaPowerUp

I'm so sorry! I don't know if she can take comfort in knowing that that truly is the difference in the biology of men and women. Men have more muscle mass, and weight, and will burn more calories all day long, then a woman. Add those crazy female hormones, water retention, time of the month.....weight doesn't drop off for women like it does for men. In addition, you will build more muscle at a faster rate (given equal exercise and nutrition) than she does, just b/c your testosterone allows for that. It's just the way it is.

What she really needs to do is not compare herself to YOU, or your success, but compare herself from where she was to where she is now. She may not have lost anything (and no, she didn't gain 2 lbs of muscle over the last 2 wks. It's prob. just water weight) in lbs, but she probably has in inches. If she keeps at it, it WILL happen for her too. Just not as dramatically as it will for you. Tell her not to give up, to hang in there, and keep fighting. I have hit WEEKS of not losing, then regaining, then losing again....the overall trend in the longterm is downward. But it can take a LONG time, if you do it the healthy way, and it sounds like you're doing that.

erickirb

It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.

She is eating 1900 and burning 900, that is like eating 1000 calories and not exercising, if anything she needs to eat a little more, not less. Please stop telling people to eat less when they are already under MFP recommendations.

MommaBelvin

well if you say she has great tone definition then that tells me she needs to work more on the cardio . . . i personally try to stay away from the strength training till iv lost about 10 to 20 pounds i do all cardio . . . i just started and im doing yoga. its all about stretching but man do i sweat . . . also you have to remember guys lose weight faster then girls. so from your situation . . im hearing shes gaining muscle fast and losing the inches which is good but i understand that she wants to see the scale results . . if she wants to keep doing the strength training thats fine she just needs to do more cardio and possibly cut her calories . . . mine is only 1600 or so maybe less and im trying to lose 100 pounds . . . but im also set to lose 2 pounds per week . . . she needs to also remember that for us girls its great advise not to even look at the scale for the first month because our bodies go into freak out mode because we are supposed to have more fat .. . so when we start losing weight our body naturally wants to keep the fat . . . . so lol my advice in a nut shell is . . . . stay away from the scale for a month . . . do more cardio . . cut your calories . . . drink losts of water ( i rabbed the biggest bottle of smart water i could find and i drink one of those everyday . . well try too lol ) but good luck to the both of you

red01angel

It also can sometimes depend on where she is in her monthly cycle. I know that the few days before and during my period, it's totally normal for me to gain 2-3 lbs. It also might help her to drink more water. I know it's counter-intuitive, but a properly hydrated body is able to remove broken down fat and other wastes much more easily and efficiently...osmosis and all that.

Just a warning; from what you say, you're not eating enough. You'll see the weight drop off quickly, then hit a brick wall and have to do some experimenting with food/exercise combos in order to wake up your metabolism. If you keep it up like this, you WILL gain back every ounce you lost once you transition back to "normal" eating, and you'll probably even see a gain if you have a day where you slack off a little...as someone who's (sort of) in recovery from an eating disorder, I know this all too well, and it's terribly frustrating. Seriously. I used to gain weight when all I'd eat all day would be a bowl of cereal and steamed chicken.

AdoraK

First off congrat on the weight loss and your success so far.

Second I wanted to say your post touched me that you want to be so supportive of your GF, and that you are both doing this changes in lifestyle together. I think one of the main reason I have failed in the past is my husband does not changes the way he eats and does not support me in changes this way. It makes it very hard to stay on track when he is buying all sorts of goodies and keeping them in the house.

I agree with the other people here that anything you say is not going to go over well right now. I think the best thing it to take your measurements and track that way for inches lost. Men put on muscle easier than women and since more muscle = more weight loss it is easier for men to lose weight.

Just be there to listen to her rant a rave and support her in her journey.

Good luck.

Mustangsally1000

i really don't know what to say. I do know that she is not eating enough food. She is burining off all but about 1000 calories. Her body is in starvation mode and is hanging on to everything it can. She needs to eat more food. Plus, muscle weighs more than fat. Is there some where you can go have have body fat tested?? Perhaps at the gym they can do a caliper body fat test?
Otherwise, be supportive, and get her to eat more. Her body is starving.

Good luck to both of you!!

Tiana405

Agreed! No matter what, I try to consume no less than 1200 calories and I'm at 1700-2000 with exercise 6 days a week. My inches are melting away and the scale is totally irrelevant at this point. My pants are telling me that I'm doing things correctly. You do NOT want to go in to starvation mode! : )

djmom1984

My husband and I were doing the same thing. We started in January. I've lost 17 lbs and he's lost 22. At first, I lost about 8 to his 25, then he started going back up. Then he hit a plateau, and I kept going. My measurements changed quicker than his. Concentrate on the measurables that are successful. OH, and I can also run further without dying than he can! lol.

kevanos

20lbs in 2 weeks is a lot of weight lose for guy your size.

You are definitely losing muscle mass alogn with fat. That is going to make it harder to keep the weight off. Exercise a little less or eat a little more, or both. You should aim for 2lbs/week loss. 10lbs/week is not good.

JennS19

It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.

She is eating 1900 and burning 900, that is like eating 1000 calories and not exercising, if anything she needs to eat a little more, not less. Please stop telling people to eat less when they are already under MFP recommendations.

Yeah I was thinking this as well, She shouldn't be eating less, her net calories need to be at least at 1200 a day. Eating less than she already is isn't going to help at all

amyoliver85

Here are our stats:

She - 5'10", 181 lbs (SW 179 - GW 160) - She eats about 1900 total cals a day and burns 800-900 cals working out.
Me - 5'10", 210 lbs (SW 230 - GW 170) - I eat about 2100 cals a day and burn 900-1200 cals a day.

Here is the only real difference. I usually have anywhere from 700-1200 cals left at the end of the day while she has about 200-300. Technically, I should be in "starvation mode" and she is doing it right. But I am the one dropping the weight.

Thank in advance for any help/ideas.

Okay sweetie, here is the problem. Your math is OFF. If you girlfriend is eating 1900 TOTAL calories per day and burning 800-900, then she is left with a net of only 1000-1100. This is why she is NOT losing weight. And it's also while you'll stop losing at some point and hit a very hideous plateau and possibly even start gaining weight.

You also said that at the end of the day she has about 200-300 calories leftover!!!!

Do you KNOW what that MEANS???

It means that she is taking in as little as 700 calories NET each day!!!

She needs to up those calories...NOW. Her body cannot survive on that few calories. 1100 net here and there is not a big deal...but this is NOT healthy eating or healthy living.

She can absolutely turn around what's going on for her with her body and with her weight loss if she'll pack in some more calories. It's the ONLY way.

Now...the second thing.

A woman's body is different than a man's and will react differently to exercise and a major change of diet. It's normal to gain a little weight at first. I did...and boy was I depressed for a couple days.

Now, as to what you can do to help her through this time:

1- Remind her of the difference between a man's body and a woman's body. She cannot expect the same results as you.

2- Remind her that you had a lot more weight to lose than she does. You were 20 lbs. heavier than her in those stats you listed. You probably also had more water weight to lose.

3- Learn about BMRs and learn about Body Assessment Stats. I highly suggest you go to a doctor who has one of those scales that will do a full body assessment. Or go to a gym and pay to get weighed by a personal trainer. Your rate of weight loss and the change in the composition of your body may be affected by MANY things, including: your body fat %, body water %, visceral fat rating, bone mass, muscle mass, and of course, your metabolic age.

4- Looking at number 3 again, remember that depending on muscle and bone mass, you might not have as much weight to lose as you think you do. Her bones and muscles might weigh a heck of a lot more than she thinks. I know mine did! In fact, at the time I did my first weigh in on one of those scales, I weighed 179 pounds and thought I was soooo fat. But check this out: my muscle mass weighed in at 98.6 pounds and my bone mass weighed in at 5.2 lbs. That's 103.8 pounds!!! Of stuff I can't get rid of!!! Suddenly the slow drop in numbers didn't seem so terrible anymore.

5- Don't listen to the people who are telling you that she's gaining muscle tone and burning fat and that's why she weighs more. Muscle does NOT weigh more than fat. A POUND IS A POUND. It may be more dense, but that is not measured in pounds. Density is measured in grams per cubic meter. Remember, if you weigh 150 pounds, lose a pound of fat and gain a pound of muscle, you will weigh...*trumpets please* 150 lbs.

6- Remind her that she isn't doing this to just lose weight. And weight isn't what matters. Weight is arbitrary and changes every day. For instance, yesterday, I weighed 169.7 lbs. Today I weighed 170 even. I didn't gain weight and at the end of the week when I do my real weigh-in, I won't have gained a ton of weight.

7- Watch your sodium intake. Sodium makes you retain water. And remember, water has weight.

8- Watch what you eat. Right, you took out all the junk food, but think about what you're eating and how it affects your body. First of all, ask her the majorly embarrassing question for women: ARE YOU CONSTIPATED??? Constipated means you're not popping at least once per day. That's right. If she's pooping once per week or she's having lots of trouble in that arena. It hurts, it's hard, etc. then she needs to take that into consideration. Poop also has weight.

9- Going along with number 8. When you think about your diet, especially your healthy diet, consider how long it takes for foods to make it out of your system. I, for one, would NEVER take stock in a weight I showed within THREE days of eating red meat. That's because THREE days is how long it takes for red meat to move through your system. So if you eat 16 oz. of red meat over the course of THREE days and then weigh yourself...guess what...that's a POUND of meat sitting in your body. Just sayin'.

10- Help her set attainable goals. 1-2 pounds per week loss is realistic. But not even always feasible. A weight loss goal is very arbitrary as there are many things that can affect your weight. Stress, for one. Sodium, for another. While I have a weight loss goal, I also have additional goals that I can focus on in the short term. For instance, how about being able to run a mile in under 12 minutes? Or how about completing a 5k--no time limit, just completing it? Or maybe picking out something in the closet that fits but not that great and work towards getting back into it and having it make her feel sexy? These are all really wonderful goals that can take her mind off the scale and really get her motivated. They are things that she can take complete control over. Like I said, weight loss is a delicate, complicated, arbitrary thing. But you can control your ability to run a mile in under 12 minutes...you can work at it every day and eventually get there. Finishing a 5k is a big deal--I will be doing my first 5k this year and I'm scared for it but when they hand me that "finisher's medal" at the end, I'll feel like I won first place. I have this pair of jeans too that I stare at every day, and say, "I'm going to get into those and when I do, I'll be friggin' unstoppable!!!" And it will be true!

But most importantly, dear...DO NOT stop your healthy lifestyle or routine. Too many partners stop what they're doing or sabotage themselves in order to avoid hurting the feelings of their loved one. But hold firm.

mikeyml

Today is actually day 14 of our new lifestyle. It started as a diet and has shifted to healthy living. That being said, we still want to lose weight.

Today, we got on the scale and I have lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. She has gained 2. She was in tears this morning and is so very disheartened. I feel awful and I don't know what to say to her. I told her that she looks so much slimmer and I can see a lot of muscle tone (which is true).

Here are our stats:

She - 5'10", 181 lbs (SW 179 - GW 160) - She eats about 1900 total cals a day and burns 800-900 cals working out.
Me - 5'10", 210 lbs (SW 230 - GW 170) - I eat about 2100 cals a day and burn 900-1200 cals a day.

Here is the only real difference. I usually have anywhere from 700-1200 cals left at the end of the day while she has about 200-300. Technically, I should be in "starvation mode" and she is doing it right. But I am the one dropping the weight.

What were her eating habits like before she changed her diet? How often is she eating throughout the day? What is her weekly weight loss goal? Did she exercise in the past or is this all new?

I ask these questions for several reasons. If she is actually eating more now than she did before she changed her diet then her body might be in shock. It takes about 3-4 weeks for the body to realize the new change in diet is going to be permanent. If she was eating more calories before she changed her diet, then I think she is going to see the changes she wants. but at a slower pace.

Which leads to my next comment - it looks like she is on a 1200 calorie per day diet and then eating almost all of her exercise calories back. She doesn't have that much weight to lose..yes it's 20 pounds but it's not enough to set a weekly weight loss goal for 2 pounds a week. She should be trying to lose about 1 pound per week in my opinion which will raise her daily calorie intake even more. Her body is going through some major changes right now..and if she isn't used to all of this exercise it might be holding on to water and fat to see if the new changes will be permanent. I know everyone wants to see massive weight loss within the first two weeks...but if this is really a lifestyle change then any strict time lines should be thrown out the window.

Last I am just curious about her meal plan. Are her meals balanced throughout the day or is she eating more at certain times? If she is skipping breakfast or not balancing her meals her metabolism might not be as active as it could be. Personally I find that eating a small snack between breakfast and lunch and then again between lunch and dinner keeps my metabolism in high gear.

In the end there will be a lot of trial and error to see what works for her. Don't let her get discouraged after just the first 2 weeks. It can get overwhelming but this change is supposed to be forever and giving up just isn't an option.

amyoliver85

20lbs in 2 weeks is a lot of weight lose for guy your size.

You are definitely losing muscle mass alogn with fat. That is going to make it harder to keep the weight off. Exercise a little less or eat a little more, or both. You should aim for 2lbs/week loss. 10lbs/week is not good.

Not necessarily, kevanos. With weight comes water weight. I shed nearly 12 lbs. at one point in my weight loss journey in a little less than 2 weeks. And it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong. It was because I had a TON of water weight on me that had to go. It also had to do with shocking my body and making a dramatic change. I was eating like 2800 or more calories per day and not exercising and suddenly I was on a strict 1200 calorie net diet. That's 1600 calories off per day, which is 2 lbs in just over 2 days just in food loss. That mixed with the water loss equaled the major weight loss.

I just suggest making sure that you pay really close attention to your goals each day. Make sure you eat within 100 calories of what's listed as your goal AFTER exercise. Once the water weight loss is done, your weight loss should slow down substantially. If it doesn't, you should be sure to see a doctor because there might be something wrong.

But don't listen to the idea that after only 14 days, you've lost that much muscle mass. That is not possible.

amyoliver85

My husband and I were doing the same thing. We started in January. I've lost 17 lbs and he's lost 22. At first, I lost about 8 to his 25, then he started going back up. Then he hit a plateau, and I kept going. My measurements changed quicker than his. Concentrate on the measurables that are successful. OH, and I can also run further without dying than he can! lol.

PRECISELY!!! Djmom1984, you are soooo right on! And you have such an excellent attitude about it!

I love that you said that..."I can also run further without dying...." That's a wonderful thing to be able to say. Well, not so much for your hubby, but for you! Measurable goals without arbitrary figures like weight are the most important goals!

My man will rue the day I can outrun him!

nolachick

measure body fat and inches. those numbers don't lie

WildcatMom82

Agh, that's tough! I don't really know what you could say to make her feel better - if I were in her shoes, I don't think anything anyone could say would cheer me up immediately. But you may have lost more weight because you had more to lose... but I think the main difference is just the different physiology between men and women's bodies. I don't know how or why, but I do believe they can gain/lose weight differently. Are her clothes fitting better, has she lost inches? Maybe she can decrease her calories down to 1600-1700? It's so hard to know.

Congratulations on your weight loss and I hope you are both able to stick with it... I'm sure the results will come once she finds what works best for her!!

I would advise against dropping her cals anymore as she is already below 1200 NET (consumption - exercise), but I would suggest you eat a little more or you will risk burning muscle along with the fat.

I agree with this, the first thing I noticed is her net cals are under 1200 and that's a very easy way to not lose weight. It's counter intuitive, but many times eating MORE will boost weight loss in a case like that. Of course most women won't listen when you tell them they should eat more, but to really be healthy about it that's my suggestion

ShrinkinMel

Encourage measurements if you aren't doing so already. Start up and she may too. Yes its sooooo unfair that us women can sometimes gain but she may be toned and may have lost inches.

spaboleo

Here are our stats:

She - 5'10", 181 lbs (SW 179 - GW 160) - She eats about 1900 total cals a day and burns 800-900 cals working out.
Me - 5'10", 210 lbs (SW 230 - GW 170) - I eat about 2100 cals a day and burn 900-1200 cals a day.

Here is the only real difference. I usually have anywhere from 700-1200 cals left at the end of the day while she has about 200-300. Technically, I should be in "starvation mode" and she is doing it right. But I am the one dropping the weight.

Thank in advance for any help/ideas.

You are both a little overweight so chaning your lifestyle (healthy eating and exercising) will result in muscle building, aswell as fat loss and in the long term weight loss.

You, tauruseth, are eating too less!
It is not "starvation mode" (I don't like the term, because it isn't something you can switch on and off by eating too less or right. It is actually a longer process!)
At the moment you're body is just lacking the daily calories he was used to, so he burns the fat.

Now, at the beginning of your diet, everything is fine and you are dropping pounds quickly. But over a longer period this will be unhealty for you. (For the record: I starved myself unknowingly for over 1.5 years with only 700kcal daily net calories...I gained weight and my muscles decreased.)

It's a short-term effect and the crux of all crash diets!
You lose fast and see that it works. So you try to increase the calorie-cut back even more an sooner or later you will regain the pounds and be unhappy.

Please, please stop doing that
I know how tempting such results are, but try to eat back your calories. MFP's net-calorie goal is a healthy compromise. Try to stick to it (even though it will take longer to lose...but it will be worth it!)



To your friend:
I can total understand her feelings :ohwell:
Maybe it would help to take pictures (front, side, some muscle-flexing poses maybe...) and have look in another two weeks.

Or try to measure bodyfat (scale, calipers, maybe in the gym or at the doctor's?) and measure the breadth of chest, weist, hips, upper and lower legs, aswell as the arms and the neck!

This could be an hell of a motivation!!

It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.

She is eating 1900 and burning 900, that is like eating 1000 calories and not exercising, if anything she needs to eat a little more, not less. Please stop telling people to eat less when they are already under MFP recommendations.

That's just true!

eellis2000

get a tape measure it will show her the difference. an inch off your waist is so much better than losing 2 lbs.
also men have more muscle than women and muscle helps burn fat faster from what i have read. good luck to both off you on your journey and i hope she feels better soon.