Weight and Sex Appeal...

hannahlbur

I am just interested as to what thoughts are on weight and sex appeal?

On the one hand we are told by slimming industry advertising, mags etc that losing weight boosts confidence, makes you more attractive etc. People who have lost weight and kept it off talk about feeling more attractive, sexy, feeling better in themselves. Yet when I say I want to lose weight to be more attractive to men people are horrified and say no you shouldn't think like that!

Having been a lot slimmer a few years ago, I know that I used to get more attention from men and since I have been overweight I have hardly had any attention, I never get asked out on dates. But it is also not that simple - I hate being this size, I am self consicous, I have low self esteem - how much does my feelings about myself affect my attractiveness - even at first glance in a bar? I still had self esteem issues when I was slimmer but felt better about myself. So people tell me that the way I feel comes across? But really even to men in the street?!

Obviously I am losing weight for me and because I want to, not just to try and bag a man (that would never keep me going!) But I am hoping that it increases my attractiveness and my confidence in order to attract men. I am well aware that just being slim is not enough to attract a man but I am hoping it will help. When I am struggling with motivation I keep this in mind as it helps to motivate me.

I don't feel confident and attactive at this weight, I feel self conscious - so will this put men off?

Are men not attracted to be because of my weight or because of how I feel about myself? (I get told it is the latter by my friends)

What are MFP peeps thoughts on this? Is it a bad thing to think that you want to lose weight to boost your sex appeal and sexual confidence? (for men and women)

anna_b1

I think the fact that people who lose a significant amount of weight report to feeling more attractive and sexy and garnering more attention in general speak the truth. Yet I suspect the reason for this change has everything to do with how much more confident they feel and how that confidence makes them more open to being approached and being admired.

In the end, I think in most cases we are perceived according to how we feel about ourselves. If we put ourselves "out there" and make others think we like ourselves, then that feeling is infectious and people want to be around us because of that.

So, in a nutshell, I wholly believe losing weight or doing whatever it is that makes us feel better about ourselves helps us to be more attractive.

Charli666

I've been overweight my whole life, and in school and shortly after i was so down on myself, my love life was non existant, as soon as i learned to like myself, i've never had an issue with dating etc, i'm happily married now, and often still get asked out and things, so i'd say definately confidence!

IndigoFlowers

If you're self conscious, then that definitely effects how men look at you. I've tested it out myself, HAVE CONFIDENCE, the majority of guys will be attracted to that in itself! Be yourself, feel beautiful. You can always fake it till you make it.
However, there's always going to be those guys who only find themselves attracted to very thin women. But owell, that's how life is, right?

SunLovin1

I think it's probably a little of both? Confidence in one's own self is sexy in both genders. Being fit justs boosts your confidence factor, is how I see it. When you know you're looking so fine, it comes across in how you relate to others!

Good luck on your journey, but remember you are NOT your weight!

rfcollins33

Okay, sweetie, that's a lot of questions. I think it's probably both reasons. I know that is harsh, but I don't get attention heavy either, but there is someone for everyone, so your self-esteem is probably the biggest factor. My advice is: work on YOU!! Get to the point that you feel great about YOURSELF. Put YOU first, get healthy, and then worry about a mate. My experience is you don't ever find a good guy when you are actively looking for a man. My husband came to me just from every day life, and I didn't find him at a club, or whatever. Not that you can't find a guy at a club, but what I am really saying is: preoccupy yourself with yourself, and then worry about the rest. I hope you get healthy and come to love YOURSELF. Then, I have total confidence, you'll be able to find even more happiness and companionship.

HollyRutledge

I know EXACTLY how you feel, a few years ago I was much smaller and I felt waaay more attractive than I do now. It is not the ONLY reason I am trying to lose it, but I think I would get a positive response from my boyfriend if I was not this big....(I was not this big when we met) And that response would in turn build my self esteem(which is currently swirling in the toilet)...Honestly when you feel like you are fat, and you are self conscious about it it DOES come across, even passing by someone in your body language, movements, eye contact (or lack of) etc....good luck on your journey...hope you are feeling better about yourself soon..add me if you like :flowerforyou:

PrincessDiannaP

Well, I have always been told you have to learn to like yourself before you can expect anyone else to like you...be it heavy or skin...tall or short. It all about accepting you for who you are and feeling good about yourself...because as you say your friends have told you it does come across in the way you act as well as your body langauge and you may not even notice. I can speak from experience because I am the same way. GOOD LUCK!!! and KEEP SMILING!!!

TonyTrinch

Funny, I just posted a blog entry touching on this topic for myself. Must be something in the air today.

For myself, I think it's a combination of both issues. Weight and physical attraction as well as self-image/self-worth leaking out into the ether that others can "pick up on."

I know that for the guys I'm attracted to, my physical appearance at this weight is not going to attract them. In a wonderful twist of fate in the world of my psyche that further damages my sense of self-worth and self-esteem, creating a wonderfully awesome feedback loop that allows me to justify continued binge eating, causing more "damage" to my physical appearance, making desirable men even more disinterested creating more self-esteem issues....you get the picture.

I do know that there are people out there attracted to heavier folks, and ok, that's just not for me. I don't want to be a heavier folk anymore. I also know that there are folks out there who are really attracted to folks with low self-esteem and poor self-worth and can pick up on that like a shark picks up blood in the water. Those folks scare me to death. That is most definitely NOT a relationship I want to be in.

I'm trying hard to stay focused on the idea that when I'm healthier, mentally and physically, I'll attract someone who's interested in a healthier me. Right now, I'm a mental mess and anyone attracted to that is someone that's gonna end up boiling rabbits on my stove. eeeeeck!!

michlingle

I think it is hard-wired in our dna to look at people who are healthy in a more attractive light, including ourselves. From the standpoint of a man perceiving a woman as more attractive may have something to do with her ability to carry a healthy child. My sister is an OB/GYN and it is true that physically it is harder to have a child successfully when you are overweight, regarless of how hard it is to tell her patients that, she has to. I find it hard to rally around fat acceptance and women who are proud that what they have is "all natural" especially when I've never seen anyone come out of plastic surgery looking fat and out of shape....I think it's just a coping mechanism. Our bodies are not meant to be obese, and our brains are not meant to work successfully in that state of being, I think our brain gives us signals to make changes when we do damage to our physical self. Sure, there are places for overweight people to go where they are accepted, but that doesn't change how each of us are hard-wired to be healthy.

david081

I think self-confidence is important. For me, I find pride in appearance an attractive feature in the opposite sex, and that includes the issue of weight - anyone who thinks fat looks sexy whether on a male or female is weird in my opinion - a man or woman that looks fit has to be more attractive, (to me) than someone that does not, and 'fit' means fit to engage in all kinds of activity (not just in the bedroom) that unfit people can't do...

Still_Sossy

Honestly when I was 30 lbs over weight, I hated myself naked (still not crazy about it.......yet.......working on that), anyway, I never wanted sex. I have lost 24 lbs so far and noticed not just with the weight loss but with the addition of a regular exercise program I have a drive thru the roof! A lot of it is feeling more comfortable with myself, but I also think there may be a chemical component to it as well.

fitterpam

I have always liked myself and thought I was pretty but I was really a tomboy. I've always been on the bigger side and hung out with guys and girls. I had self confidence (I have always been the smart one) but really didn't think of myself as 'sexy'. When I was 19, I met my future husband and we seriously started dating (not the first guy I dated, but the first one I brought home). I had just lost 50lbs on top of that. It was a mix of him finding me very attractive and the weight loss that gave me the confidence to feel 'sexy'. I was still by no means small - about 40lbs overweight. Guys that I'd hung with all through highs chool actually started commenting about my looks - which was weird - and guys on the street would ask for my number.

While I gained all the weight back, there is still certainly a feeling of being beautiful and a lot of that comes from my husband giving me the confidence to believe it. I still get approached occasionally but again, I've lost close to 60lbs......so I think they are two pieces of a puzzle. Confidence leads to sexiness and weight loss leads to confidence. If you are bigger and are confident about yourself then all the power to you, but that's not the case for most people....

michlingle

Honestly when I was 30 lbs over weight, I hated myself naked (still not crazy about it.......yet.......working on that), anyway, I never wanted sex. I have lost 24 lbs so far and noticed not just with the weight loss but with the addition of a regular exercise program I have a drive thru the roof! A lot of it is feeling more comfortable with myself, but I also think there may be a chemical component to it as well.

I hope that when I lose these last 10 or 15 pounds (the thingy say 20, but I'm happy with less, it'll fit me just fine) I get the drive back, and so does my husband!!! :bigsmile:

jazyjen

Awww, I understand! A lot of my motivation to get healthy and fit is that I will like the skin I am in. I think what is most important is loving yourself real deeply right now!
When I finally decided I needed to really get myself back on track some interesting shifts were happening to me. It was back this past July 27th. I am gonna remember this date because something really impressive happened. I had been gaining weight gradually for about the last 2 years. I weighed in at 157 at 5'3 and that is a lot for me! I had always my entire adult life weighed around 130 135. I am now 44 and understand that my metabolism is a little slower, blah, blah, blah. Anyway I new I needed a change. I had also been single at this point and hadn't been with anyone for about 2 years (long time for me but a very much needed time). On the morning of the 27th I got out of bed and decided very solidly to get into a deep loving relationship with myself!!! I made a commitment to pamper and love up myself from head to toe! I joined weight watchers, and tracked everything. Started working out solid. Did more painting and drawing. Just absolutely did everything I could to treat myself authentically. Almost exactly around the time I had started my relationship with myself, a very amazing man entered my life. At first I was giddy and beside myself. But what I was most giddy about was this great relationship I had started with me! He met me at my highest weight ever and I felt better about myself at that time then I ever remember feeling )). I feel that I drew him to me in some ways, or that we attracted each other because we were both on the path of taking care of ourselves. Our relationship was short lived because his ex-wife was wanting to make a go of the relationship once again and he also was interested in experiencing more dating. All and all I was able to let him go, very sad at first. Felt big again...for a minute. But honestly, I am back on track with MFP not doing weight watchers because this forum I think is superior. I am a Beach Body Coach, doing some Insanity, logging my meals, watching my weight shift, feeling myself nurturing the sweet girl I fell in love with in July again.
I am currently at 148. By June 1st I hope I will be at my goal weight of 130. I have a love interest down in Austin Texas that I am investigating and wanting very much to have my relationship with Jen solid right now and even more solid by then!
Love yourself up girl! Use this amazing tool and let's be friends!
Your post was brave and many women feel this way, but remember self love is the most attractive looking thing on anyone!
Peace,
Jen

navvs15

I don't necessarily think that slimmer women are more attractive or sexually appealing. There have been plenty plus size models that display all of the sexuality and confidence as their thinner counterparts. Some men have the preference of thinner women, but no matter what size I am…I will avoid those kinds of people like the plague. Such people essentially are jaded about weight. But, I do think once a person loses ‘x’ amount of weight, they feel happier, more confident and their personality radiates that to everyone else. It's all about how you feel.

If you're not comfortable in your own skin, get to a size where you are. That necessarily isn't going to be a stick figure but you'll probably find yourself feeling more confident and getting more attention.

As to me, I don't care for the attention of a whole bunch of guys. I get hit on now...and although their compliments are flattering, I feel socially awkward. It's just in my personality and this remains after losing nearly 60 pounds.

jazyjen

That is the ticket!!! Absolutely!!!!:blushing:

Carl01

There is a point where a guy or lady becomes morbidly obese and is not attractive,that is a fact.

Even still I get really uptight over attractive ladies with nice figures that have such a detailed "it is this or I am fat and ugly" picture that they are unhappy and hate themselves.
I don`t have a fix to that but honestly ladies it isn`t the case,us guys find you sexier and sexier the more you are your own person and liking yourself as we do.

hannahlbur

Wow thank you all for your great replies. I will read through them all very closely and hopefully take it in! You have all been very helpful.

:happy:

hannahlbur

I think the fact that people who lose a significant amount of weight report to feeling more attractive and sexy and garnering more attention in general speak the truth. Yet I suspect the reason for this change has everything to do with how much more confident they feel and how that confidence makes them more open to being approached and being admired.

In the end, I think in most cases we are perceived according to how we feel about ourselves. If we put ourselves "out there" and make others think we like ourselves, then that feeling is infectious and people want to be around us because of that.

So, in a nutshell, I wholly believe losing weight or doing whatever it is that makes us feel better about ourselves helps us to be more attractive.

I agree with the putting ourselves out there - I have tried it over the past 6 months with internet dating with not much success. I worry so much about is it something I have said, done, is it my weight, that I have now given up as it is driving me crazy!
I hope you are right

hannahlbur

If you're self conscious, then that definitely effects how men look at you. I've tested it out myself, HAVE CONFIDENCE, the majority of guys will be attracted to that in itself! Be yourself, feel beautiful. You can always fake it till you make it.
However, there's always going to be those guys who only find themselves attracted to very thin women. But owell, that's how life is, right?

I think this is where I struggle with the confidence - I manage to fake it a little bit but I am not sure I convince. I wish I could have it for real and then I won't have to fake it!!
That is true and I do dwell on that but then in fairness everyone finds different looks attractive so am I wrong to stress about the thin thing?