Weight and Sex Appeal...

fteale

You should be whatever weight makes you happiest. If being attractive to men makes you happy, then there's nothing wrong with that!

hannahlbur

Okay, sweetie, that's a lot of questions. I think it's probably both reasons. I know that is harsh, but I don't get attention heavy either, but there is someone for everyone, so your self-esteem is probably the biggest factor. My advice is: work on YOU!! Get to the point that you feel great about YOURSELF. Put YOU first, get healthy, and then worry about a mate. My experience is you don't ever find a good guy when you are actively looking for a man. My husband came to me just from every day life, and I didn't find him at a club, or whatever. Not that you can't find a guy at a club, but what I am really saying is: preoccupy yourself with yourself, and then worry about the rest. I hope you get healthy and come to love YOURSELF. Then, I have total confidence, you'll be able to find even more happiness and companionship.

I don't think you are being harsh at all - I agree I think it is both things.
I have been thinking the same thing about working on me and being totally selfish (except for friends and family of course!) and putting myself first, just thinking about me, not trying to date. Internet dating is tough so I am glad to be free of it!

It sounds a bit corny but I hope I can learn to love myself

hannahlbur

Funny, I just posted a blog entry touching on this topic for myself. Must be something in the air today.

For myself, I think it's a combination of both issues. Weight and physical attraction as well as self-image/self-worth leaking out into the ether that others can "pick up on."

I know that for the guys I'm attracted to, my physical appearance at this weight is not going to attract them. In a wonderful twist of fate in the world of my psyche that further damages my sense of self-worth and self-esteem, creating a wonderfully awesome feedback loop that allows me to justify continued binge eating, causing more "damage" to my physical appearance, making desirable men even more disinterested creating more self-esteem issues....you get the picture.

I do know that there are people out there attracted to heavier folks, and ok, that's just not for me. I don't want to be a heavier folk anymore. I also know that there are folks out there who are really attracted to folks with low self-esteem and poor self-worth and can pick up on that like a shark picks up blood in the water. Those folks scare me to death. That is most definitely NOT a relationship I want to be in.

I'm trying hard to stay focused on the idea that when I'm healthier, mentally and physically, I'll attract someone who's interested in a healthier me. Right now, I'm a mental mess and anyone attracted to that is someone that's gonna end up boiling rabbits on my stove. eeeeeck!!

I agree as I also get told that men like all different shapes and sizes and that just because I am bigger I will meet someone who likes it. I don't want to be a "bigger" girl!! I want to be a normal size at least and at best a good figure.

I also agree about there being folks who can smell self-esteem - I have seen it with my friends and I think it has happened to me too. So I am giving up on dating and men and hopefully working on improving myself for now

hannahlbur

I think it is hard-wired in our dna to look at people who are healthy in a more attractive light, including ourselves. From the standpoint of a man perceiving a woman as more attractive may have something to do with her ability to carry a healthy child. My sister is an OB/GYN and it is true that physically it is harder to have a child successfully when you are overweight, regarless of how hard it is to tell her patients that, she has to. I find it hard to rally around fat acceptance and women who are proud that what they have is "all natural" especially when I've never seen anyone come out of plastic surgery looking fat and out of shape....I think it's just a coping mechanism. Our bodies are not meant to be obese, and our brains are not meant to work successfully in that state of being, I think our brain gives us signals to make changes when we do damage to our physical self. Sure, there are places for overweight people to go where they are accepted, but that doesn't change how each of us are hard-wired to be healthy.

I think so too - it is tough when you see people who are obese and say they don't care. Good for them if they are really happy with themselves but what about their health? It's so difficult. I think that is true that men are biologically programmed to look for certain physical attributes.

shallo

I was lucky and didn't seem to have a hard time finding dates/boyfriends when I was bigger.
I started losing weight because I was tired of feeling like crap all the time. I have noticed that the better I feel physically the better I feel emotionally. I think that shows and more people are going to want to be around someone that is happy and upbeat than the opposite. So I do think that I am more attractive now just because I'm a happier person.

hannahlbur

Awww, I understand! A lot of my motivation to get healthy and fit is that I will like the skin I am in. I think what is most important is loving yourself real deeply right now!
When I finally decided I needed to really get myself back on track some interesting shifts were happening to me. It was back this past July 27th. I am gonna remember this date because something really impressive happened. I had been gaining weight gradually for about the last 2 years. I weighed in at 157 at 5'3 and that is a lot for me! I had always my entire adult life weighed around 130 135. I am now 44 and understand that my metabolism is a little slower, blah, blah, blah. Anyway I new I needed a change. I had also been single at this point and hadn't been with anyone for about 2 years (long time for me but a very much needed time). On the morning of the 27th I got out of bed and decided very solidly to get into a deep loving relationship with myself!!! I made a commitment to pamper and love up myself from head to toe! I joined weight watchers, and tracked everything. Started working out solid. Did more painting and drawing. Just absolutely did everything I could to treat myself authentically. Almost exactly around the time I had started my relationship with myself, a very amazing man entered my life. At first I was giddy and beside myself. But what I was most giddy about was this great relationship I had started with me! He met me at my highest weight ever and I felt better about myself at that time then I ever remember feeling )). I feel that I drew him to me in some ways, or that we attracted each other because we were both on the path of taking care of ourselves. Our relationship was short lived because his ex-wife was wanting to make a go of the relationship once again and he also was interested in experiencing more dating. All and all I was able to let him go, very sad at first. Felt big again...for a minute. But honestly, I am back on track with MFP not doing weight watchers because this forum I think is superior. I am a Beach Body Coach, doing some Insanity, logging my meals, watching my weight shift, feeling myself nurturing the sweet girl I fell in love with in July again.
I am currently at 148. By June 1st I hope I will be at my goal weight of 130. I have a love interest down in Austin Texas that I am investigating and wanting very much to have my relationship with Jen solid right now and even more solid by then!
Love yourself up girl! Use this amazing tool and let's be friends!
Your post was brave and many women feel this way, but remember self love is the most attractive looking thing on anyone!
Peace,
Jen

Thanks for sharing your story
Hopefully I can find that self love people keep telling me about.
Hope the love interest pans out for you too. I am definitely giving up until I feel better about myself.

fitnesspirateninja

I think it's more about being confident. I never noticed a big difference based on my size. But I did notice a big difference after I got engaged and then married. I'm not nervous, I'm not looking for someone, so I'm confident and at ease. And I think men find that attractive.

WinKitty

Think of this what you will, and I understand that it is different for everyone, but I haven't been hit on by anyone for 10 years. I don't wear my wedding ring and despite that, no one has given me "the eye" since I became obese 10 years ago. Prior to that bigger size, I had a BIBLE-SIZED "little black book." I believe it has EVERYTHING to do with looks, not confidence (for me), and I think that's just how most people are, honestly. I think to say that confidence overrides evolution is putting a little too much faith in people; we are a shallow species. We are attracted to the traditional beauty size/shape for a deep-seated reason. Hot people make cute babies, really well (evolutionarily speaking). I feel like I'm actually saying what everyone is thinking. Flame on.

I have never been model-esque, but I never had a shortage of men (and women) beating down my door, even when I was pregnant! And as you might guess from the tone of my post, I never lost all that confidence that came with the knowledge that I could get someone, anyone, if and when I wanted to...it's just that now...they just don't want to be gotten by me.

As a matter of fact, that will be one of my favorite NSV's: the moment a hottie hits on me again.

jtsmou

I lack any kind of appeal at any weight, I'm just too hideous.

WinKitty

I lack any kind of appeal at any weight, I'm just too hideous.

Is that a guitar? Guy + Guitar = Sex.

jtsmou

I lack any kind of appeal at any weight, I'm just too hideous.

Is that a guitar? Guy + Guitar = Sex.

It seemed to work for band mates, but it never did anything for me. I'm just too ugly for a guitar to compensate for the way I look.

WinKitty

I lack any kind of appeal at any weight, I'm just too hideous.

Is that a guitar? Guy + Guitar = Sex.

It seemed to work for band mates, but it never did anything for me. I'm just too ugly for a guitar to compensate for the way I look.

I refuse to believe this nonsense. That is a time-tested, tried and true equation. Shred harder then. ;P

jtsmou

I lack any kind of appeal at any weight, I'm just too hideous.

Is that a guitar? Guy + Guitar = Sex.

It seemed to work for band mates, but it never did anything for me. I'm just too ugly for a guitar to compensate for the way I look.

I refuse to believe this nonsense. That is a time-tested, tried and true equation. Shred harder then. ;P

Nope, people just avoided me, and all the groupies went for the other band members. I only ever had one person obsessed with me, and she just wanted to sacrifice me to some old sumerobabylonian god.

wanttogetskinny

I admit that my own personal experience plays a huge part in how I feel about weight and sex appeal. In the past 6 years or so I've gained 45lbs. Now, I NEEDED to gain about 15-20 of that as I had been underweight before. But this weight gain was apparently not cool with my ex-fiance. He cheated on me (and I left him)....he says much of it was that he didn't find me attractive anymore because my 'body had changed so much'. (No one keeps their 17 year old body forever!) Because of this I do connect weight with sex appeal.

After we broke up I was very depressed and ate almost nothing for a month and lost about 20lbs. I began eating again slowly, and by the time I began dating my current boyfriend I was back to eating normally. Well........I gained back those 20lbs plus another 5lbs.

My current boyfriend assures me he finds me sexy/attractive, but I am very very very self-conscious about my belly area and want to lose weight to feel more confident and sexy FOR ME.

stevemcknight

This is strange for me - when I was much more overweight, I had a long string of beautiful thin girlfriends, since I've been fit (about 2 years now) it's been the longest, slowest streak of my life...

I don't really get this - I'm happier than ever, more confident too.

Weird, also, I'm a musician and play in bars or private events 2-3 times a week. Years ago, I used to pretty regularly have girls approach me after the gig to say hello, and in the past 2 years, almost nothing....

I'm perplexed - thus the inordinate amount of ellipsis...

WinKitty

This is strange for me - when I was much more overweight, I had a long string of beautiful thin girlfriends, since I've been fit (about 2 years now) it's been the longest, slowest streak of my life...

I don't really get this - I'm happier than ever, more confident too.

Weird, also, I'm a musician and play in bars or private events 2-3 times a week. Years ago, I used to pretty regularly have girls approach me after the gig to say hello, and in the past 2 years, almost nothing....

I'm perplexed - thus the inordinate amount of ellipsis...

Now they're intimidated by you. I know I wouldn't approach someone who has your body, to be completely honest, for fear of rejection that often comes with fat girls approaching fit guys. Just my opinion/experience.

WinKitty

I only ever had one person obsessed with me, and she just wanted to sacrifice me to some old sumerobabylonian god.

Hardcore.

♥Violette♥4Ever♥

A lot of my guy friends say it's more self-confidence than looks that they are attracted to. If a woman has a high self confidence, she stands out . I remember going to a dinner party at a friends house and this woman walks into the room and garnered a great deal of attention. She was not a very attractive woman but she walked into that room and worked it like she owned it and made you forget that she was not very pretty at all. I was highly amazed by this and I strive to be here one of these days.

jtsmou

A lot of my guy friends say it's more self-confidence than looks that they are attracted to. If a woman has a high self confidence, she stands out . I remember going to a dinner party at a friends house and this woman walks into the room and garnered a great deal of attention. She was not a very attractive woman but she walked into that room and worked it like she owned it and made you forget that she was not very pretty at all. I was highly amazed by this and I strive to be here one of these days.

Unfortunately a lot of women these days mistake being a total B for having confidence. A lot of men make the same mistake acting like total pricks. And even more unfortunate is that many women out there mistake that guy being a prick for having confidence.

fitnesspirateninja

Think of this what you will, and I understand that it is different for everyone, but I haven't been hit on by anyone for 10 years. I don't wear my wedding ring and despite that, no one has given me "the eye" since I became obese 10 years ago. Prior to that bigger size, I had a BIBLE-SIZED "little black book." I believe it has EVERYTHING to do with looks, not confidence (for me), and I think that's just how most people are, honestly. I think to say that confidence overrides evolution is putting a little too much faith in people; we are a shallow species. We are attracted to the traditional beauty size/shape for a deep-seated reason. Hot people make cute babies, really well (evolutionarily speaking). I feel like I'm actually saying what everyone is thinking. Flame on.

I have never been model-esque, but I never had a shortage of men (and women) beating down my door, even when I was pregnant! And as you might guess from the tone of my post, I never lost all that confidence that came with the knowledge that I could get someone, anyone, if and when I wanted to...it's just that now...they just don't want to be gotten by me.

As a matter of fact, that will be one of my favorite NSV's: the moment a hottie hits on me again.

I don't think this is flame-worthy. But I disagree. Despite the fact that people are shallow, we also have different tastes. To make a broad statement claiming that no one is attracted to people who are overweight doesn't really make sense. There is an entire genre of porn dedicated to big ladies.

I do agree that the general population is probably attracted to fit people. But we don't live in our lizard brains.