boyfriend troubles....

tinareet

hiya,

I'm kinda stuck at the moment, I have been with my partner for 3 years and we have lived together for majority of it. I love him so much, and saw a future with him. However, he likes to binge drink, and he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists). It's like im with jekyll and hyde. I'm not kidding you when I say he is perfect when he is sober, but as soon as he gets the idea to go out drinking, all hell breaks loose and I get so scared and I probably wind the situation/him up by reacting badly. I have spoken to him(when he is sober and tried it when hes drunk) and begged, cried, screamed, been rationtional, patronised him, let him walk all over me, just to get him to chnage and I've come to the end of my tether, I know deep down I want to leave him. I really want to leave him, But I feel trapped. I don't have any friends at all, my father and his gf doesn't really want me and my dad kinda blames me for sticking around for so long. My mother is infact going through her own horrible relationship with a drunk too. I don't have any grandparents that will take me in. I feel like I'm trapped with no support or help. And I'm not financially able to just leave(keep praying to win the lottery by magic as I don't even buy tickets LOL)
anyone got any ideas???
Xxx

Hype

Any chance you could get into some student accom while your get yourself on ya feet? Or get ya name on the housing list???

tinareet

i wouldn't be able to get student accom until sept this year(its when I start uni, which tbh i don't think ill be doing now cza the break up) I earn enough to eventually have a flat and to not be considered for housing, but because it all goes on joint rent and bills, I'm kinda stuck for 1-2 months, and have no where to go. I'll just grin and bare it.
Xx

SpaceMarkus

Something I've learned when trying to lose weight is that you have to jump in with both feet. I think the same applies here. You say you don't have the money to just up and leave, but that's what you have to do. Get a PT job to make up some extra funds, find ANYONE that will let you stay with them, find any means necessary to get out. "Someday" is just that, someday. The only way it will turn into "Today" is if you make it happen. If he's not willing to sit and talk this out with you then he's not worth it.

wenders123

Hi,

It sounds horrible and I have been there so know what you mean. I would suggest that you contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau, who will be able to put you in touch with an organisation that can help you. Their advice will be free and totally confidential, so you have nothing to lose by giving them a call. You are very young, and if you get out of this situation now, you will be able to move on and get a new happy life in a very short time.

Good luck hun X

emsibun

If you are going to be homeless by leaving an abusive partner (which is what he is) you should go and see your local authority housing people. Even if you earn enough to eventually have a flat you dont have the money now and they have to help you.

This might help you find out what your rights are:

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/downloads_and_tools/relationship_breakdown

Edited to add this as well - Please get some help xx

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/help_from_the_council/applying_as_homeless

CassieLEO

Turn around and get the heck out of this relationship- NOW. If he has a tempter like that, what is it going to be like down the road? You dont need that crap!!!!

backinthenines

Have you thought of getting help from domestic abuse services like Women's Aid? They will help you although he has not hit you (yet!) but "only" punched walls etc etc.

He has an alcohol problem and needs to seek help. You can't do that for him but you need to keep yourself safe!!

I'm sorry you have such little support from your family, and it's a stressful and lonely time for you, but you may surprise yourself at what you're capable off once you leave a relationship where someone is behaving in such frightening and intimidating ways.

Please seek help. x

hartsmart

no way for you and your mom to BOTH leave your scarey bfs and live together until you can BOTH get back on your feet?
it sux FEELING trapped, but it is worse BEING trapped. there must be somewhere you can go...personally, i'd try your parents again. but if that's just not an option, make sure your bf is always being reminded (when he's sober) that hes a complete *kitten* to you when he's drunk. (he sounds like my brother, actually! )
i'm sorry to hear when people go through this sort of thing, but being so disconnected from the situation it is hard to give advice...ultimately...don't get yourself hurt, and don't even think you deserve any of it! i hope you figure something out!

tracey2710

Hiya - what an awful situation! I'm sure if your parents where aware of the situation of course they would put you up til you get on your feet. If your mother's stuck in the same sort of relationship should you not both support each other! If she's also going through this then surely, as a mother, that should make her more determined to help you.

Take care and good luck.

backinthenines

If you google Women's Aid Kent, you'll see you have a support team in Bexleyheath, Dartford, and Bromley.

Please give them a call. They will NOT judge you. xxx

ybba12490

this probably isn't an option but maybe just ask your father if you can temporarily move in with him. Tell him you will pay some sort of rent and buy your own food. Just let him know about the relationship and I hope he would understand. I'm so sorry for you, I hope you find the help you need

DaniiDean

Stick it out till uni. I know how you feel about the drinking... my dad is perfect until he drinks

tinareet

thanks alot to everyone, i know i need to get out, but I don't know how, I looked at that bond thing, that can help you with the deposit to move out, but again I earn too much. Do you lot think talking to him and going throuhg a break up process but still live at together(theres two bedrooms and bathrooms) until I've found somewhere else to live.
I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship??? I was in a physically and mentallly abusive relationship when I was younger and this doesn't seem anything like that.... :S
Xx

kimbaclay

Bless you i really feel for you. A cheaper option to getting your own place is a house share. It's a hell of a lot cheaper and all the facilities are there already so just take some pots and pans with you and do it! I was in a relationship for 3 years many moons ago where i was trapped but just had to bite the bullet and go for it. If you truely need to do it you will.

Best of luck to you to you xx

:flowerforyou:

emsibun

he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).

That sounds horrible. How does it make you feel when he's like this? Pretty bad, I would guess. Sounds abusive to me.

Take care of yourself x

ybba12490

he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).

I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship???

I would say yes, this is an abusive relationship. As hard as it is, (I just thought after you posted that your apt has 2 bedrooms) another possibility would be to not break up, live with him until you can afford your own place, but whenever he entertains the idea of going out to drink, don't freak out: just say "ok," leave it at that, and sleep in the other room. How often does he drink? and when he drinks does he go out with friends? maybe suggest if he's drinking that he stays with a friend for the night. How does he act towards you when he is sober?

SGartz

I hate your boyfried because he's making you sad and you are pretty. Sounds like you need a plan to get rid of him, also, for your own amusemnt/revenge you should hide his underwear.

Siobhancarmichael

Good luck with whatever you choose to do! Be strong!! xx

tinareet

he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).

I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship???

I would say yes, this is an abusive relationship. As hard as it is, (I just thought after you posted that your apt has 2 bedrooms) another possibility would be to not break up, live with him until you can afford your own place, but whenever he entertains the idea of going out to drink, don't freak out: just say "ok," leave it at that, and sleep in the other room. How often does he drink? and when he drinks does he go out with friends? maybe suggest if he's drinking that he stays with a friend for the night. How does he act towards you when he is sober?

He is fine when he is sober, kind, caring, supportive, attentive, lets me buy things i need/want, he wants me to go to uni, he gives me massages, cooks dinners, helps clean, does odd jobs around the house. He is perfect when he is sober(hence why ive stayed with him for so long) I get worried if he goes out drinking and i stay in the flat, i was sure he was guna kick me on friday(i pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't shout abuse at me) and then he leaves the place in such a mess, chairs thrown all over the place, pissed himself, puked up, etc, and then doesnt get up the next day to clean it up. like on friday he stole £340.00 from my account and he wouldnt even get up to go put the £300.00 that i managed to rescue back in the bank to pay the bills. He probably drinks 2/3 times a month at the moment, because he knows i don't like it, but i know if we broke up he wud be out every nyt.
Xx

tinareet

ohhh and he goes drinking on his own
Xx