My weight is destroying my marriage.

erinswing

I'm new to MFP. I have gradually gained weight since I got married. About 80 pounds over eight years. I now weigh 230 pounds. Even when I was not overweight, my husband would threaten to leave me if I ever got fat. Now it's gotten to a point that he just flat out resents me for being fat. He offers no support when I attempt to lose weight. He says things like, "I've heard that before, and you won't do it, you haven't yet." He says that he wants the woman that he married back. He is a designer, and very superficial. He used to be kind, generous, and sweet. He says that he loves me, but not in love with me. And that he only wants to see me healthy and happy. Now, he is just there. One great example is when we were walking, I twisted my ankle and falling, and grabbed for he. He stepped away in a panic. When I called him out on it, he said "like I could support your weight anyway." Geez!

I would leave him, but unfortunately, I was told that if I initiate the divorce, he get pretty much everything. I have been without a paying job for over 2 1/2 years. I feel stuck. Dependent on him for money to live. I really don't know what to do. I have been thinking of finding a job in NYC where I know I have a good support system. But the cost of living is too high. Any advice?

debbyrae3

Honestly, you don't deserve that... NO one does... And unless you signed a prenup or some document stating that he gets everything if you initiate divorce, then EVERYTHING accrued during the marriage is split 50/50.

And obviously if he isn't in love with you anymore because you gained weight, then he wasn't ever in love with YOU. (Sorry, but it's true.)

chanstriste13

it sounds to me like your husband is destroying your marriage. this is not your fault. if you can't leave, then you just do your thing for yourself - not him. it's your life, it's your body, take charge of it and keep your chin up. best of luck to you!

{{{hugs}}}

Ms_Natalie

I'm terribly sorry to hear this! He is no man at all putting you through this. Some people may hint or suggest doing more activities together because they are worried of a loved ones health..but you really shouldn't put up with these verbal attacks.

Are you sure about the divorce? He is making life extremely unhappy for you and surely this is something you can use in the courts.

If you want to lose weight and become healthier then this website will be fantastic for you...there is great support here and the members are top quality for great advice and motivation. So stick around.

I wish you all the luck in the world... :flowerforyou:

epa422

I'm pretty sure that those things could qualify as emotional abuse. Is he the one who said you wouldn't get anything in a divorce? Don't believe him. If he was fine with your not working, then you've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle that he will have to maintain with alimony. I would find your own divorce attorney stat.

concordancia

If your husband has always been like this, there is a good chance you have been gaining the weight as a coping mechanism. As has been mentioned, his comments, as you report them, qualify as emotional abuse. You need to deal with the situation, which will probably include therapy for you in order to find more productive ways to cope, and, if the marriage is to be saved, probably couple's therapy as well.

However, as for all of the divorce advice - check with a local lawyer. Laws vary greatly from state to state.

LOSING WEIGHT WILL NOT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

live2smyle

Seek the advice of reputable counsel in your area.

Bluesman77

Your weight is not destroying anything. The only weight that is an issue is the burden this must place on you. I agree with what everyone here has said. You cant live your life like this. I know it is easy for all of us to say, but sometime it takes an outside perepective to get the clear picture. I know it will not be easy, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Stand up for yourself. Let him know that he can no longer treat you this way. HE is the the one that needs to change, not you. If he is not willing, then he is going to loose out. Take care of yourself.

Jizes318

I'm pretty sure that those things could qualify as emotional abuse. Is he the one who said you wouldn't get anything in a divorce? Don't believe him. If he was fine with your not working, then you've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle that he will have to maintain with alimony. I would find your own divorce attorney stat.

I AGREE 100% He has provided you with a certain lifestyle and will be obligated to pay. In the proceeding they will put you at minimum wage and he will cover any and all difference. Everything accumulated in your 8 years etc is both of yours and split evenly. Take his *kitten* to court, work on your health for YOU and move on and finally be happy!

desperatemom

I am so so sorry to hear about the state that you're in. I have gained approx. 10-20 lbs per kid, (and I have 3) since my husband and I have been married. He has loved me when I gained 25 lbs and loved me when I lost 16 of it....that is what love really is. And I agree that there is nothing he can do, as far as trying to take everything in a divorce, if it is not written on a signed documentation. Do you have family or friends in NYC?? Maybe you could go stay w/ someone while you get a job and start the divorce procedures. I know, that as women it is hard to be strong when we are put through that kind of thing. But deep down in our guts we were given the strength. Reach down deep sista and you can do it. Good Luck.

wwagw72

Your husband is a sad sad soul. He has been for a long time and it's not your fault!!!! Start doing your own thing, talk to a lawyer, find your own joy without conditions from him. Find your passion!!! This may be the first step of a very great life ahead. Don't allow him to spread negativity to your soul:) The weight will come off when you are ready for it to. Bless you and yours, been there and doing that now. Not fun but you can get through it.

brendansmom1

:grumble: :grumble: :grumble: :noway: :noway: :noway: :noway: :noway:

I am beside myself right now....this is flat out, no questions asked abuse. It's no wonder you gained weight. You were trying to "hide" from his BS.

I am so so very sorry you are going through this. However, you are the only one that can change something. You have to do what is right for you.

I wish you the best of luck.

s_ballchic_2

Holy Cow Hunny! Wow, I'm sorry but what a ****!!! You should not have to feel like you need to lose weight in order for him to love you. Talk to a lawyer, they will be able to help you figure out what you want to do. It doesnt hurt to find out your options

mlpautzke

I'm so sorry you are going through that! Your husband is emotionally abusing you by making comments like that and like someone else had said, he can't love you if he is saying that. Love is not a size, it's inside you! To feel better about yourself, you lose the weight for YOU, not your husband and I would suggest talking to someone about it. I am really sorry!

dbldip21

I agree that it sounds like there is emotional abuse here. He sounds controlling which is also abusive. I would suggest speaking with a local attorney and contacting a domestic violence shelter/support group. Talking with a counselor could help with your decisions also. If he says he is not in love with you since you have gained some weight then he may not have been in love 8 years ago (he probably just thought he was). Maybe talking with your supports in NY will help with finding employment/places to stay that are more afordable than you think. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Shadowcasting

I'm sorry to read this. No one should be treated this way.

Whether or not you WANT to leave or ever would, you should consider finding a professional to talk to. You need to take care of YOU. When someone abuses you and degrades you like that, you are the one who loses yourself. He wan'ts "the woman he married back", but I bet you want the women you really are inside and the woman you could be, back.

I'm all for people getting healthier. I'm finally trying to do that myself. People here will support you if you let them. But weight is not the problem nor the answer in THIS particular situation. You should want to be healtier for you. Find someone on your side, who's only consideration is you (namely, a professional psychology, psychiatrist, etc.).

I hope you're okay, and I hope you find a way to be truely happy (not just the fake smiles on the outside).

And, btw, I think you're beautiful!

36jessica

I'm new to MFP. I have gradually gained weight since I got married. About 80 pounds over eight years. I now weigh 230 pounds. Even when I was not overweight, my husband would threaten to leave me if I ever got fat. Now it's gotten to a point that he just flat out resents me for being fat. He offers no support when I attempt to lose weight. He says things like, "I've heard that before, and you won't do it, you haven't yet." He says that he wants the woman that he married back. He is a designer, and very superficial. He used to be kind, generous, and sweet. He says that he loves me, but not in love with me. And that he only wants to see me healthy and happy. Now, he is just there. One great example is when we were walking, I twisted my ankle and falling, and grabbed for he. He stepped away in a panic. When I called him out on it, he said "like I could support your weight anyway." Geez!

I would leave him, but unfortunately, I was told that if I initiate the divorce, he get pretty much everything. I have been without a paying job for over 2 1/2 years. I feel stuck. Dependent on him for money to live. I really don't know what to do. I have been thinking of finding a job in NYC where I know I have a good support system. But the cost of living is too high. Any advice?

My God! Please don't believe you deserve any of this! I went through the same thing 11 years ago when my ex-husband left me and my children -- and I wasn't even as heavy as I am now. He even cited it as one of the reasons for the separation.:mad: Never think you have to stay in a relationship because 'you can't do it on your own'. If you like, please add me as a friend if you'd like to 'talk' and you want some extra support. I know exacly what you're going through. As for your weight, it's YOUR business and how you deal with it is up to you. He is NOT the deciding factor.

Lisa__Michelle

You have your information wrong on how he would get everything. Marriage is a binding document. Once you both entered a marriage the legal system sees EVERYTHING as 50/50 (even if he is the provider!!!!). Unless you signed a Prenup (which I hope you didn't), everything is 50/50 under law. You should start looking for a job.

Another thing is, that IS ABUSE hun. Seriously, it is emotional abuse! Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse too on a person!!! You should NOT be trying to lose weight for him, you should do it FOR YOU! He may say he loves you (even if he is not in love with you) BUT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR CARE ABOUT YOU to say those things. A typical person would NEVER say anything like that to another human being that they even slightly care about. He should love you enough (even if it is in a friend way) to try to encourage you for your health and not bash on you for appearance reasons! You should try counceling before entering a divorce I would seriously recommend couples counseling. If he is still abusive after counseling, I would say seek a divorce.

You ARE beautiful and deserve WAY better!

live2smyle

Divorce laws vary from state to state. And so does the division of assets. Spousal support in some states, alimony in others. I say again...Seek Reputable Counsel in your area only they will know where you will stand in a divorce proceeding. They will probably also want you to start documenting all of this verbal abuse. Yes it is verbal abuse, but having each incident written down in a journal stating time, date & what was said will go alot further more than likely then He said this your honor.

MarybethAltizer

I am praying for you right now, because I was in a very similiar situation with my ex husband. The first words he taught our son to say was "ugly mommy" and point to me. He had many many affairs over our ten year marriage, and even when I was 119 pounds soaking wet, he still made me "feel" FAT. I would have rather been punched in the face than to have to endure what I did for so long... Now I am married to the most wonderful man, he builds my confidence daily, tells me how beautiful I am ALL THE TIME, and I feel so blessed. I know it's not the Lord's will for divorce to happen, but in my situation, He BLESSED me by letting my husband cheat, therefore giving me a biblical exuse to leave. It took alot. Even if your views aren't exactly like mine, I don't think
God wants anyone to suffer like you are. Believe me, I know. I'm going to add you. Much ♥

UpToTheChallenge

So sorry to hear that. Like everyone else has said, his love for you shouldn't have changed because of some weight.
Is there someone that will let you stay at their place until you get on your feet? You said you have a great support system in NYC so maybe that's what you should do.
Also, do you have any kids? His emotional abuse could be taken out on them as well and it's not hard to get over when you're older (speaking from experience)
You need to get out of that unhealthy relationship ASAP.

Good luck