My weight is destroying my marriage.

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13

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  • Temporalia
    Temporalia Posts: 1,151 Member
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    Your weight is not destroying anything. The only weight that is an issue is the burden this must place on you. I agree with what everyone here has said. You cant live your life like this. I know it is easy for all of us to say, but sometime it takes an outside perepective to get the clear picture. I know it will not be easy, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Stand up for yourself. Let him know that he can no longer treat you this way. HE is the the one that needs to change, not you. If he is not willing, then he is going to loose out. Take care of yourself.

    Absolutely right.

    You probably do need to lose the weight for your own health emotionally, physically and spiritually. But, you can't do it for him. This is all about you and it is alright to be selfish about it. he is not invested in you as you are, but who he wants you to be. You can't change him, but you can have your life changed.

    I guess the first step is severing the ties that he holds over you emotionally. That takes a helluva lot of courage, because there will be hell to pay. However, you sound like you are in hell now.

    Been there, like I said earlier, it was hell inside, but so much better outside, what you have to do after is nothing compared to the pressure of being emotionally abused and trying to survive through it. I'm almost 2 years out and things are going upward right now.
  • CalPolyBronco
    CalPolyBronco Posts: 201 Member
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    No one, I repeat no one should have to deal with emotional abuse. I understand your worry of divorcing him in fear that you might not be able to financially support yourself but your mental health is pretty darn important. From the way you described it, it sounds like your husband is verbally abusive on a regular basis. I know in "the heat of the moment" sometimes people will say mean things that they don't neccessarily mean...but if he has said on multiple occassions that you are fat, that you should change your appearance and that he loves you but he's not in love with you. I would say forget the man and get out. Seriously. Those are fighting words. He is your husband, he should be your backbone and #1 support. He should HELP you not HURT you. You are in charge of your body not him. Whether or not you're big, small or in between that's your decision and he married you for YOU. It shouldn't matter what size you are. If he nicely expressed concern for your health and said "Let's lose weight together, what can I do to help you?" That would be a different story...but to say that you're beyond help basically is nonsense. Don't listen to him. You took the inital step in the right direction. You're here now. Do this for you. Do NOT do this for him. If he only loves you when you're thin then he doesn't love you at all. Btw my starting weight last year was 228 lbs, very similar to your starting weight. I joined WW and lost a lot of weight, and now I'm also doing MFP as of like 2 1/2 weeks ago. My weight is currently 187 lbs. You CAN make progress. Just believe in yourself. Is there anywhere you can go to reach out for help? A friend or family member that you can live with until you get the divorce settled and a stable job? There are ways out if that's what you want. Just remember....you are in charge of you.
  • natalieklann
    natalieklann Posts: 2
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    Erin,

    I am very sorry for what you are going through. A lot of people are stating that you should divorce him. I can't 100% disagree with them-he said he loves you, but is not "in love with you." I also feel that perhaps the first move should talk to your husband about his behavior and how much it hurts you. Perhaps a family counselor could help mediate. If you have done this or he is not willing to do it, then I don't see any other option but divorce.

    As other people have stated, if divorce is the best decision for you, you should definitely talk to a lawyer about your rights. Also, yes, document everything he has said to you that is verbally abusive.

    Ultimately, you need to be the person who decides what is best for you. Noone deserves to be treated this way.

    Best of luck to you,

    Natalie
  • mmallory1
    mmallory1 Posts: 40
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    Thank you everyone for your support! I need it & it means so much to me. I do believe, in hindsight, that I have been putting on weight to test him.

    Yes, my biggest fear is that my losing weight will not turn our marriage to the perfect one it was before. We have been married for over 10 years now. We used to be madly in love. My first post are kinder words that he now says. He used to say "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you." And refusing to do physical activities together because I can't keep up. It just sucks because we have made such a good home and circle of friends together. We have no kids, but 2 cats that I am bonded to. I have some close friends in NYC & area and believe I have better job opportunities up there.

    So scary. What to do for myself? Discuss with my husband? Reach out to NYC friends if I have stay with them? Start NYC job search?

    The truth is that your weight loss won't turn your marriage around because that is not the issue. No matter what, can you ever love someone again that has shown you zero respect as a human being and as a wife? To be honest, he is utilizing your weight as a way to blame any marital issues on you, rather than him taking responsibility for the deterioration of your relationship. He is using the weight as a crutch, just as much as you are in telling yourself that gaining the weight was to test him. If you want to get healthy and lose some weight in the process, AWESOME and you totally should go for it....but to assume that the marital problems lie within any weight or body type that you are at this point in life is not logically true. I am a divorced woman myself and my ex attempted for years to blame me for all the issues in our marriage and used whatever excuse he could - including attacking any character flaws I possessed - to do so. He used it as a crutch to not take his own responsibility in his behavior throughout our marriage. I feel for you, I truly do BUT I warn you not to buy into what you are saying and do things that make YOU happy and everything will become clearer. I know because that is what I did and it became perfectly clear that I could not be the best woman I could be being married to a man that really didn't even like me. You deserve more for yourself and you deserve to learn how to respect yourself. Let me know if you need someone to chat with, I wish you nothing but success in finding who you truly are inside and how much strength you really do possess!
  • mowrynation
    mowrynation Posts: 91
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    So much to say!! But know that you are a beautiful person and that you DON't deserve to be treated that way by anyone, Especially your husband!
  • naturalbeauty47
    naturalbeauty47 Posts: 99
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    Well you have come to the right place! Emotional abuse is the worse and he is an jack*** for speaking to his WIFE/WOMAN that way. Do whats best for you. When you lose the weight he'll regret the day he ever opened his big fat mouth!
  • tjislovinglife
    tjislovinglife Posts: 101 Member
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    I just finished reading yours and rest of the posts .I was in such a bad relationship and put up with a bad man far to many years I finally left him and realized I am worth so much more . Being alone is so much better than being in a terrable relationship for myself I said do I still want to be in this place a year from now and then I started finding a way out I will continue to lift you up in prayer feel free to add me to your friend list God bless
  • jazgal
    jazgal Posts: 122
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    I do not think it is the weight .. but the weight is being used as an excuse ..... Sometimes when a man wants out of a marriage and wants to seem like the good guy but is really a coward for not asking for one .. he treats his spouse badly so she seeks the divorce .. so instead of being the duppee she becomes the dupper by default and his story from then on is she left me ( I have been a divorce recovery facilatator and have seen a lot) ... Anyway ... my 2 cents ... take care of yourself ..... turn your ears off ... use the time to loose your weight and do work as to figuring out what you want in your life ... and start going toward there .. get yourself prepared whether you stay with him or not... maybe you need to take courses to get back into the job market ... what ever it is ... But do no jump into or out of things too fast. I know it is difficult to have a hard skin but you need to take care of self ... I wish I knew what I know now before i got divorced ... I would have done planning ...

    Best to you ... And if you do consider my advice i would keep my plans to myself and not tell anyone ... get your support here .. I agree with everyone else .. you do not deserve that treatment but it seems odd that he has changed so much.
  • dlangenfeld
    dlangenfeld Posts: 119
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    All I have to say is that you don't deserve this. You are so much better than that loser man. He isn't even a man. I am worried for you and am going to send you a friend request. Do this for you. And get away from that guy. You can do sooo much better.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    Divorce laws vary from state to state. And so does the division of assets. Spousal support in some states, alimony in others. I say again...Seek Reputable Counsel in your area only they will know where you will stand in a divorce proceeding. They will probably also want you to start documenting all of this verbal abuse. Yes it is verbal abuse, but having each incident written down in a journal stating time, date & what was said will go alot further more than likely then He said this your honor.


    ^^^^^^^^^ EXCELLENT ADVISE!
  • calspr
    calspr Posts: 21 Member
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    my husband is kind of the same way its funny though once you start losing weight and feeling better about yourself oh then they dont like it one of those damned if you do damned if you dont things. i say do what makes you feel good get your **** together and if you want to leave do it you can be broke and miserable with him or be broke and happy all by yourself. the broke thing you can change but happiness well that is priceless
  • humblemonkey
    humblemonkey Posts: 576 Member
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    no one deserves this!! my husband has sat next to me after I ganed 25-30 pounds and says he doesnt even realize. That is the way it should be!!
    Maybe you could live just outside of NYC? (The upstate side--LI is ridic expensive--- both my parents ar down there)
    Do you have any training you could use to get a job?
    Have you tried talking to a lawyer about this?? They might have some better insight into how a divorce would go.

    Good luck and keep your chin up!!!!
  • DarkAngel864
    DarkAngel864 Posts: 229 Member
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    This makes me sad. I echo everyone else on finding a way to get out. I'd rather be broke than with someone like him :cry:
  • V44V
    V44V Posts: 366 Member
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    Leave the bum!
  • missbp
    missbp Posts: 601 Member
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    You poor thing! Losing weight and breaking bad habits is hard enough when you are not being berated by someone who is supposed to care about you. You have found a great place to find guidance and support in your quest to get and stay healthy.

    I think you have been given good advice about your relationship. Consulting with a well recommended attorney, would be my first stop. I also urge you to seek some psychological counseling as well. While your body is getting stronger and in better shape, you will surely need the guidance of someone who will help you overcome the emotional hardship you have endured.

    Good luck to you. Friend me if you would like a weight loss buddy!

    M
  • DeenaSteelerGirl
    DeenaSteelerGirl Posts: 449
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    How rude he is ! Very hurtful. Loose the weight for you.. not him. Good luck with everything. I added you as a friend for support. Take care. Keep your chin up.
  • Tristis
    Tristis Posts: 288 Member
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    I say leave your husband. Seek couseling. Use this site to lose weight. Send pictures of yourself in a bikini to your EX-husband after you lose the weight with a sexy younger man at your side. :laugh:

    He is a jerk. You don't need that in your life. His behavior seems to be factoring into your weight gain. Lose him, you may lose the weight, too!

    Also, you are GORGEOUS. He doesn't know what he is missing if he only see your weight. If I was a straight dude, I'd slip you my number. :wink:

    There is your whole life in front of you. Make it a fun place to be by not keeping someone who drags you down.
  • ababygrace
    ababygrace Posts: 123
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    What a loser!!!
  • 36jessica
    36jessica Posts: 319 Member
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    I'm going to say what everyone has been dancing around.:angry::mad:
    WHAT AN *kitten*!!:explode: :explode: :explode: :explode:

    Do what is best for you. And don't believe too much of the "the spouse will get everything" stuff. When I divorced, the "50/50" split turned out more like 90/10 in my ex's willfully unemployed favor. (still stings a bit after all these years)
    Do what you already know is best for you. Godspeed!
    Ted

    Go Ted!:wink:
  • dcook7
    dcook7 Posts: 5
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    What a jerk! He is destroying your self esteem and in essence keeping you from your goals with his negative talk. You must be in a good head space in order to devote the time and energy involved in losing weight. Mental abuse is a form of stress and being constant ly reminded about your weight is not healthy. Please get on your own two feet and learn to love yourself, find a job and distance yourself from that worthless trash before he completely destroys the You in you. Someone that really cares about you would try to help instead of hinder. You're a beautiful person, just think about how DEVASTATED he will be when you lose that weight and he realizes he can't have you!!!

    SOMETIMES MOTIVATION TO BE BETTER COMES IN THE FORM OF HATERS!

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