Relationship frustration

overthehillsandfaraway

My girlfriend is a wonderful girl. She's got a great sense of humor, she's very smart when she applies herself, she has an adorable smile and her company is something I enjoy. That being said, I'm at my wits end with her laziness.

Now, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a procrastinator and sometimes can be messy. But thanks to my current living situation with her, I'll argue it to the grave that girls are much messier than guys. Why the heck doesn't she help a guy out?

I don't want her to be some imprisoned housewife from the 50's, not having the capability to think or act for herself. But I pay every single bill and don't complain or ask for a penny, I fill the fridge with groceries and I pay for her leisure activities (gym, lunch money, etc).

Now she does cook dinner occassionally and is an enormous help when she DOES pick up after herself. However, it feels like I have to blow my top before she gets the hint to clean up her act. I don't even care that there's not dinner prepared at night.

I'm afraid if I come home to another sink full of dishes and dust everywhere after a twelve hour shift, I'm kicking her *kitten* back to her parents so mommy and daddy can clean up after her.

What are your opinions? Am I being a *kitten* or can a brother get an amen? I truly love the girl and some of my frustation is obviously being expressed in this post. But I can't put up with this mess much longer.

overthehillsandfaraway

My girlfriend is a wonderful girl. She's got a great sense of humor, she's very smart when she applies herself, she has an adorable smile and her company is something I enjoy. That being said, I'm at my wits end with her laziness.

Now, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a procrastinator and sometimes can be messy. But thanks to my current living situation with her, I'll argue it to the grave that girls are much messier than guys. Why the heck doesn't she help a guy out?

I don't want her to be some imprisoned housewife from the 50's, not having the capability to think or act for herself. But I pay every single bill and don't complain or ask for a penny, I fill the fridge with groceries and I pay for her leisure activities (gym, lunch money, etc).

Now she does cook dinner occassionally and is an enormous help when she DOES pick up after herself. However, it feels like I have to blow my top before she gets the hint to clean up her act. I don't even care that there's not dinner prepared at night.

I'm afraid if I come home to another sink full of dishes and dust everywhere after a twelve hour shift, I'm kicking her *kitten* back to her parents so mommy and daddy can clean up after her.

What are your opinions? Am I being a *kitten* or can a brother get an amen? I truly love the girl and some of my frustation is obviously being expressed in this post. But I can't put up with this mess much longer.

Lexino

I have the same problem...except with my husband. He RARELY picks up after himself. I used to work full time, and it bugged the hell out of me because I worked too and STILL had to do all the housework and everything for the kids. Luckily I was able to go to part time to be with him and the kids more so I don't mind taking care of everything now. But, once in awhile I'll blow up about how he can't even throw his socks in the laundry basket....basically, you need to tell her she needs to help out. If she doesn't, and you can't deal with it maybe living together isn't best, otherwise get use to it. Which is basically what I did, and like i said I expect it now, and when he does do something its great. Okay, I need to give him some credit, he does stuff I can't stand like mow the lawn, take out the garbage and stuff like that. Anyway, I think you need to tell her how much it's buggin you, then go from there.

(Sorry for the rambling...it's late )

4Serendipity

Wow....what I wouldn't give to find a man who appreciated a clean house, and was willing to help keep it that way by picking up after himself. I've been outnumbered in a house my whole life...one woman to many boys....I have two boys...a husband and a grandson...and forever I've always been the one to pick up, clean up and take care of everything. You seem to be pretty easy going on most aspects...it would be nice if she could improve on this one issue if for no other reason than it's important to you and she loves you. Relationships are all about meeting in the middle and finding a common ground that works for both of you....and if both people in the relationship don't work towards that, resentment starts building and relationships fail. I know...I've been there. I feel for you....I'm still working on trying to get mine to meet me in the middle on that issue, and though he's come a little way....he has a long way to go. I do things for him all the time, not because I want to, but because it's important to him, and it's too bad she won't work with you on this. I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I hope she takes a good look and see's how lucky she really is to have a great guy, and works harder at doing better about cleaning up after herself....Good luck!

sculley

I had this problem with my ex husband which is one of the reasons he is an ex.

I hope things get better for you and that if it's a relationship you want to keep that she will meet you half way.

neha

The thing is no one's perfect. I am not as smart as my BF expects me to be. I am not able to learn his native language in 3 years. imagine! But I do all house chores without seeking help. He is messyyyyy. I have to straighten up his closet every 3 days. He throws shoes n socks. But, with time, he has observed that I don't even sit after coming from office. He rented a house for us with all kinda appliances. Dishwasher, washing machine, sprinklers in the garden, etc.. etc.... And when I said we can't afford this house and the maintenance, he told me that he is lousy with getting up n helping. And this was the least he could do. He started helping me with groceries. And whenever I mention, I wanna go to some place. I see it happening within week, no matter how tight his schedule is. We cook together. But he doesn't put away his dishes. I don't even bother about these things. Coz I know, there must be few things, he might be tolerating about me. So, its a package. Love is not a short term feeling and liking the nicest things about a person. Love is loving and sticking to the person you loved over time. Yaa.... I agree the feeling should be from both the sides. And also that, people should be lil independent. Am working on myself . Hope ur GF understands you n your care. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

ali106

Hey Over my friend!!!

Well, I'm just the opposite of your gf, I work, care for my son and keep the house cleaned, the cloths washed and put away, all the dishes done, and all the meals cooked, oh ya and do all the grocery shopping.....so ya lazy irks me too!:grumble:

I'm sure she loves you and people are what they are I suppose, they can change, but really need to see the light....oh ps...screaming and yelling doesn't always show the light to them either...not saying you do that just throwing out a little fyi there LOL

I would sit down w/ her and tell her you two need to talk about it. Tell her how you feel, like you told us, probably not the kick her *kitten* back to her parents house part, but ya catch my drift I'm sure.

Maybe set up a chore list, tell her its a real bummer to come home after working all day to a house that is a disaster.....tell her you don't want a stepford wife or anything but just need things picked up etc...for peace of mind when you come home from work....and while if may not bother her it does you and would do the same for her if the situations were reversed things like that.....

I have a few friends who are not what you'd call neat freaks...or even close....it doesn't make them bad people, but if you're not working, and someone you love is doing all the bills etc....it really is just common courtesy ya know.....you're right to feel that way I think, but she has a right to have it explained to her in a way that makes it seem like she is helping you guys instead of being scolded like a kid being told to clean her room....again not saying you're doing this....just putting it out there....

okay enough from me! best of luck my sweet friend!!!.....you're a good guy!
hugs,
Ali

watch48win

Hey Over my friend!!!

Well, I'm just the opposite of your gf, I work, care for my son and keep the house cleaned, the cloths washed and put away, all the dishes done, and all the meals cooked, oh ya and do all the grocery shopping.....so ya lazy irks me too!:grumble:

I'm sure she loves you and people are what they are I suppose, they can change, but really need to see the light....oh ps...screaming and yelling doesn't always show the light to them either...not saying you do that just throwing out a little fyi there LOL

I would sit down w/ her and tell her you two need to talk about it. Tell her how you feel, like you told us, probably not the kick her *kitten* back to her parents house part, but ya catch my drift I'm sure.

Maybe set up a chore list, tell her its a real bummer to come home after working all day to a house that is a disaster.....tell her you don't want a stepford wife or anything but just need things picked up etc...for peace of mind when you come home from work....and while if may not bother her it does you and would do the same for her if the situations were reversed things like that.....

I have a few friends who are not what you'd call neat freaks...or even close....it doesn't make them bad people, but if you're not working, and someone you love is doing all the bills etc....it really is just common courtesy ya know.....you're right to feel that way I think, but she has a right to have it explained to her in a way that makes it seem like she is helping you guys instead of being scolded like a kid being told to clean her room....again not saying you're doing this....just putting it out there....

okay enough from me! best of luck my sweet friend!!!.....you're a good guy!
hugs,
Ali

Well...Ditto...except for that I work full time. ( I only wish that I didn't have to work , but alas, I must). If you let this issue fester (sp?) one day it's gonna blow up, and it will probably be ugly, and then you say a bunch of stuff that you really don't mean.

In the words of Barney Fife "Nip it, nip in the bud!!! "

iftcheiaf

I deal with my husband on this matter in this way. I go into a room, pull out my book "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff", read a page or two and put things into perspective. If changing everybody else was easy, we'd live in a much safer world. But I understand the rant and vent. We all need that sometimes.

ali106

Hey Over my friend!!!

Well, I'm just the opposite of your gf, I work, care for my son and keep the house cleaned, the cloths washed and put away, all the dishes done, and all the meals cooked, oh ya and do all the grocery shopping.....so ya lazy irks me too!:grumble:

I'm sure she loves you and people are what they are I suppose, they can change, but really need to see the light....oh ps...screaming and yelling doesn't always show the light to them either...not saying you do that just throwing out a little fyi there LOL

I would sit down w/ her and tell her you two need to talk about it. Tell her how you feel, like you told us, probably not the kick her *kitten* back to her parents house part, but ya catch my drift I'm sure.

Maybe set up a chore list, tell her its a real bummer to come home after working all day to a house that is a disaster.....tell her you don't want a stepford wife or anything but just need things picked up etc...for peace of mind when you come home from work....and while if may not bother her it does you and would do the same for her if the situations were reversed things like that.....

I have a few friends who are not what you'd call neat freaks...or even close....it doesn't make them bad people, but if you're not working, and someone you love is doing all the bills etc....it really is just common courtesy ya know.....you're right to feel that way I think, but she has a right to have it explained to her in a way that makes it seem like she is helping you guys instead of being scolded like a kid being told to clean her room....again not saying you're doing this....just putting it out there....

okay enough from me! best of luck my sweet friend!!!.....you're a good guy!
hugs,
Ali

Well...Ditto...except for that I work full time. ( I only wish that I didn't have to work , but alas, I must). If you let this issue fester (sp?) one day it's gonna blow up, and it will probably be ugly, and then you say a bunch of stuff that you really don't mean.

In the words of Barney Fife "Nip it, nip in the bud!!! "

you and me both sista!!! work blech...but it pays the bills right? LOL
hugs!

ShellyBee

You sound like a really great guy. I think that honesty is always the best, I would sit down with her and explain your frustrations. I have a mild/moderate OCD....LOL(others have diagnosed me..LOL) I completely understand your frustration with things not being in order, I get very upset when my house is disorganized or the dishes are not done ect.
Explain to her that you think she is a great girl and would be even greater if she could help out around the house a bit. Maybe find out the things she doesn't mind doing and leave those things to her.
With that said, she should be helping out around the house and with bills as well. Especially if she isnt helping financially she should be picking up the slack around the household.
Don't give her a free ride in life it doesn't help anyone out in the end, especially if you are every considering having children with her.
How she is now is a great indicator of how she will be in years to come so decide what is best for you and what you truly want in a mate.
Decisions are very hard to make, you are already on the road to a better you don't settle in life it is way too short.

sculley

Hey Over my friend!!!

Well, I'm just the opposite of your gf, I work, care for my son and keep the house cleaned, the cloths washed and put away, all the dishes done, and all the meals cooked, oh ya and do all the grocery shopping.....so ya lazy irks me too!:grumble:

I'm sure she loves you and people are what they are I suppose, they can change, but really need to see the light....oh ps...screaming and yelling doesn't always show the light to them either...not saying you do that just throwing out a little fyi there LOL

I would sit down w/ her and tell her you two need to talk about it. Tell her how you feel, like you told us, probably not the kick her *kitten* back to her parents house part, but ya catch my drift I'm sure.

Maybe set up a chore list, tell her its a real bummer to come home after working all day to a house that is a disaster.....tell her you don't want a stepford wife or anything but just need things picked up etc...for peace of mind when you come home from work....and while if may not bother her it does you and would do the same for her if the situations were reversed things like that.....

I have a few friends who are not what you'd call neat freaks...or even close....it doesn't make them bad people, but if you're not working, and someone you love is doing all the bills etc....it really is just common courtesy ya know.....you're right to feel that way I think, but she has a right to have it explained to her in a way that makes it seem like she is helping you guys instead of being scolded like a kid being told to clean her room....again not saying you're doing this....just putting it out there....

okay enough from me! best of luck my sweet friend!!!.....you're a good guy!
hugs,
Ali

Well...Ditto...except for that I work full time. ( I only wish that I didn't have to work , but alas, I must). If you let this issue fester (sp?) one day it's gonna blow up, and it will probably be ugly, and then you say a bunch of stuff that you really don't mean.

In the words of Barney Fife "Nip it, nip in the bud!!! "

you and me both sista!!! work blech...but it pays the bills right? LOL
hugs!

AMEN SISTA!!!:laugh: I worked, I took care of my son and all of his therapies, I came home cooked and cleaned I did everything when I was married but now I still do everything but my man in my life is my 3 year old lol..

kellch

Let me tell ya...I understand completely!! LOL....I work 50-60 hours a week(salary...no OT:grumble: ), clean the house, try to cook dinner at least once in a while, walk the dog, balance the checkbook, take care of mailing the bills, take care of any type of technical issue that has to do with finanaces, and try to fit in an hour for myself to work out too....TV? What the heck is that? relax? what's that mean? Then he'll have the nerve to say, you don't cook dinner as much as you used to.... :noway: YOU BUTTHEAD!!! LOL And he'll say well usually the female takes care of most of the cleaning, cooking, and bills...Yeah well most women that do that aren't working 60 hours a week either :laugh: Don't get me wrong some do...I'm sure I'm not the only one out there :laugh: BUT you get my point. He works too. He works full time. 40 hours a week. And he has one of those wierd shifts where he gets different days off each week...and get this....every 3 weeks he gets 5....yes 5....days off. Not fair :laugh: But hey, I picked my profession, so I'm not throwing that in his face. But we can't afford for me to take a paycut so I'm stuck for the time being. :grumble: Whatever, that's life. Welllllll.....I too was irritated that while he's on his days off, I'd wake up to get ready for work to beer cans and pizza boxes in the kitchen, dirty dishes, and piles of laundry :explode: and then come home to a messy house :mad: (the beer cans and pizza boxes were always thrown away but the dishes and laundry were still there :grumble: ). I mean when I'm off on my weekend, I make sure the house is spotless, and even on the days I work, I straighten up. I don't mind a house that looks "lived in", it doesn't have to be a showcase, but I like it to look clean....I don't like filth...:laugh:

Soooo....here's what I did....and so far I've seen huge improvements :flowerforyou: .....I sat him down and said we needed to talk. I explained to him that while I know he works hard, so do I. And that if I were a stay at home mom or if I didnt work as much as I did or at all, I would do all the cleaning, and cooking, and not ask him to lift a finger (besides fixing stuff I cant fix and mowing the lawn). But since we both work full time jobs we need to pitch in and both of us need to help out around the house. I told him it was just too much on my plate and I couldnt do it all. I was grumpy, moody, tired, and growing to resent him. I didnt want that. I love him. :blushing: The fact is, he does have more time off, not that that means he doesnt work hard and I'm not throwing it in his face or saying I'm better or work harder, but, he does have more time to do stuff around the house. After the talk...he vacuums, does dishes, even does some laundry, he mows the lawn, takes the trash out, and does a lot of yard work. :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: I dust, wash the kitchen floors, help with laundry, clean the bathrooms, wash walls, clean the windows, help with the dishes, and take care of the flower garden, and unfortuneately I'll always have to handle the bills and stuff (he'd have us bankrupt in a month and bouncing checks all over the place...just not good with that type of stuff...LOL:laugh: ). We both sometimes help with the other ones responsibilities. We both do dishes and laundry and I've taken the trash out at times.

So basically you have to sit and talk to her and maybe split some responsibilities. Tell her you don't mind bringing the money home but that you need some help. You can't do it all yourself and you love her too much to let it go and let yourself build up resentment toward her. You don't want it that way. But when you go to work and work hard all day to support both of you it would be nice to be able to come home to a clean house so you can just relax and spend some time together. Ok, I'm done rambling...All I'm saying is you have to communicate and do it before it comes out in anger. Most of the time it works....It did for me :drinker: Good Luck !! :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

jamerz3294

Well, something that helped us out in the cooking department is that she cooks dinner Mon and Wed, I cook dinner Tue and Thu, and the rest of the week is up for grabs.:flowerforyou: And yes, we're on the same shifts, so to speak, so that works out nicely.
As for house cleaning, I freely admit that she does more of it than me, but I do try to pitch in. Plus, I tend to do more lawn mowing than her. So you kinda have to seek out a balance point that works for you! One thing she has found, and enjoys, is FLY Lady. Google it, and look it up, it's been great for us!

mjfer123

Im in this position too, my gf stays at home right now while looking for a job and I pay all.
Its frustrating coming home to a mess when shes not doing anything else.
I try and ask her to do one or two chores each morning and its worked out.
But my gf does cook every night, so I can't really complain, its very nice.

jlwhelan1

Is she depressed? That can suck the life out of someone.

MontanaGirl

My girlfriend is a wonderful girl. She's got a great sense of humor, she's very smart when she applies herself, she has an adorable smile and her company is something I enjoy. That being said, I'm at my wits end with her laziness.

Now, I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a procrastinator and sometimes can be messy. But thanks to my current living situation with her, I'll argue it to the grave that girls are much messier than guys. Why the heck doesn't she help a guy out?

I don't want her to be some imprisoned housewife from the 50's, not having the capability to think or act for herself. But I pay every single bill and don't complain or ask for a penny, I fill the fridge with groceries and I pay for her leisure activities (gym, lunch money, etc).

Now she does cook dinner occassionally and is an enormous help when she DOES pick up after herself. However, it feels like I have to blow my top before she gets the hint to clean up her act. I don't even care that there's not dinner prepared at night.

I'm afraid if I come home to another sink full of dishes and dust everywhere after a twelve hour shift, I'm kicking her *kitten* back to her parents so mommy and daddy can clean up after her.

What are your opinions? Am I being a *kitten* or can a brother get an amen? I truly love the girl and some of my frustation is obviously being expressed in this post. But I can't put up with this mess much longer.

Not having read the answering posts yet, I have to say OMG I have the exact same problem with my hubby. Don't make the mistake of marrying her. DH was better before we got married, once we got married BAM - not the Emeril kind. I have to completely lose it for him to do anything!! He cuts firewood for a living - can do that in July or August. Plus the truck isn't running. And he still does nothing unless I totally get pi$$ed off. (see my post from last night - about being completely irritated). I feel for you - unfortunately for both of us!! I'm not a neat freak either - but this is too much!!

That being said - I do love him. A lot. Obviously, or he would be . . .well, we won't go there. When we're at his parents ranch, he's a different person so I'm holding out for if we ever actually move up there that things will improve. I hope. I did tell him that if we don't move this fall we would probably be divorced by this time next year. I just can't handle the laziness and lack of contribution! I hope you can find a compromise with her and things will improve for both of us!!!

DjBliss05

I have a confession.... I am a mess!

I realized this was creating problems when I first when to college and had to adapt to my roommates (and them to me). Everyone has their level of comfort for cleanliness. I have a particularly high threshhold for messes, thanks to growing up in a cluttered house. I honestly DIDN'T REALIZE that people did it differently than my family did until college. My first real house was an adventure... "You have to clean the toilet that often?? Who knew??" My housemates loved having to teach me to clean! :noway:

Obviously, you need to talk to her before you explode. Try and keep in mind that you may not be able to get to your standard for cleanliness, but I'm sure you can do better than hers. Good luck!

amylynne26

ugh I admit, I'm the messy one in my house... my husband is a neat freak and after years of trying to make me like him he finally understand that we can either split the chores and do what each of us are good at (I'm a better cook, and don't mind loading/unloading the dishwasher :ohwell: ) and he's the dusting/mopping/laundry doing maniac. We both work full time too. Every once in a while he'll get mad that I'm not doing enough to help so I make him tell me EXACTLY what he wants me to pitch in on and go do it. Of course one of the rules is that he can't go back behind me and re-do it! It was either that, or we were going to hire a maid... seriously.

I don't remember seeing if your gf works outside the home.... but you did say you pretty much pay for everything. If she DOES have income, propose the maid idea.... out of HER paycheck. I would have GLADLY paid for the cleaning service if it brought peace to my house but luckily we were able to compromise. :laugh:

Good luck dude, let us know how it goes!

dixon5000

I hear you...

laurenk182004

Lazy irritates me to no END, I am the sole sweeper, duster, laundry washer, folder and dryer..umm lets see, dishes, vaccuuming..ok, u get it I know, but it is irritating and I feel your pain! I mean, come ON, get up and put your socks in the hamper! Switch the laundry around once in awhile...maybe even pick the wet bath mat up off the floor *gasp* Nah, that would be too much to ask for. Oh well, there are many things I love about my husband and he does work very hard, so I suppose I'll let the laziness around the house slide...He's started taking more initiative with our baby girl though, so that has been a huge help when he's home, I've been getting my nightly hour long bubble bath again! yay!