Being treated better by men........

soarinup

We all know its true, but when it hits you in the face, its an eye-opener. So over the past year, I have lost 34 lbs. [13 to go]. It has been a slow but steady loss. Men whom I have known for 5 years [some married some not] have begun to treat me better, and it is, well, a little disappointing. We all know pretty people get better treatment. I have always known it, and I must say, it reveals a lot about the people who do a 180 and treat you better. People who treat me the same, I wonder how they have avoided the psychological pitfall that we as humans are able to get into.
In the back of my mind, I knew this would happen, but it still surprises me.

Atlantique

It's probably not only due to your weight. As you've been taking better care of yourself, your attitude, self-confidence and the way you dress have also all probably cahnged. Some of the response you are getting is to these changes as well.

natajane

interesting. On the flip side, when I was slim women treat me a lot worse than they do now! I found it harder to make female friends.

Men were nicer to me yes, but not necessarily out of respect. Often people who I thought were friends were actually interested in being a bit more.

Being fat and a bit older, none of that happens now though. I can relax!

I do believe that when I am slim again I will perhaps get a bit of jealousy from the ladies or head turning from the men in the beginning, but the trick is to nip it in the bud - remind them you're the same person, remind them to respect you.

As long as you respect yourself and carry yourself well, others will too.

samcee

Men are shallow. Fact :P

jrusso28

Ouch!!
:huh:

ericapledger

So true! When we treat ourselves better other people do too.

jdg1mfp

I think its more the way you carry yourself than the actual weight. Most men say that pregnant women have a beautiful glow. Now that is obviously not because of their physique but more about the happiness they exude.
As you lose the weight you feel better and more confident. It shows.
"Everyone wants to go to the party but no one like funerals"
The all men are shallow comments are a bit harsh, but no offense taken because I'm sure there may be one out there.

myofibril

Funnily enough I was speaking to someone else about this phenomenon in another thread:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/214953-people-are-treating-me-differently-sad-but-true?page=2

From that thread:

Have you heard of the Halo Effect? It describes a type of cognitive (psychological) bias where one characteristic of a person or one factor in a situation affects the evaluation of the person's other traits.

What this means in plain English is that if you are slender or good looking for example people will carry over those positive traits and apply them to other parts of your character even if there is no good evidence that they exist. So, slim people will be perceived as somehow "better" or "more intelligent" or "good" simply because of the perception of initial positve characteristics.

This works in reverse as well it seems. Overweight has a negative connation. Therefore this negative association is carried over and fat individuals are deemed to be somehow "lazy" or "unworthy" even though this perhaps couldn't be further from the truth.

Really, we should judge each other by the content of our characters and by who we truly are as people. However, in reality this doesn't happen as much as it should. I guess that is understandable. I think there just aren't enough hours in the day to have the time to assess everyone we come across properly. Therefore we have to rely on quick impressions and signals mainly.

Unfortunately, this increased attention and politeness is something you will simply have to get used to, even though it may strike you as false. It is just the way of the world.

fcrisswell

It is probably a bit of both. Yes some people are shallow. BUT, you are probably holding your head high, walking with pride, overall putting out a more positive vibe. That in itself is noticable to others.

After losing 200+ pounds I found the same thing happen to me. Others in my support group(weightloss surgery group) would get highly offended at these situations. But, when I stopped to think about how I was at nearly 400 pounds...I was literally trying to hide from the world in my fat. I avoided social situations, avoided eye contact, walked with my head down, looking at the floor, etc.

When you go through that dramatic of a change you give off a much different vibe. As disconcerting as it was at first to get attention (of any kind really), as you get used to your new skin, you wear better fitting clothes, look people in the eye as you pass them, smile at strangers, etc. You get that in return.

People are people....not all of them are shallow, but, are mearly responding to your happier self.

Joyjmb

Have lost 26 lbs. and was hit on THREE times this week.
Told the boyfriend, "Hey, out there, some think THIS is the pinnacle of HOT. You'd better keep taking care of this."
Haaa!!

2bFitNTrim

This thread brings Susan Boyle to mind. Funny how the audience was snickering and laughing at her when she came on stage. Then WOW, she blew them away didn't she?

ahadj

Funnily enough I was speaking to someone else about this phenomenon in another thread:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/214953-people-are-treating-me-differently-sad-but-true?page=2

From that thread:

Have you heard of the Halo Effect? It describes a type of cognitive (psychological) bias where one characteristic of a person or one factor in a situation affects the evaluation of the person's other traits.

What this means in plain English is that if you are slender or good looking for example people will carry over those positive traits and apply them to other parts of your character even if there is no good evidence that they exist. So, slim people will be perceived as somehow "better" or "more intelligent" or "good" simply because of the perception of initial positve characteristics.

This works in reverse as well it seems. Overweight has a negative connation. Therefore this negative association is carried over and fat individuals are deemed to be somehow "lazy" or "unworthy" even though this perhaps couldn't be further from the truth.

Really, we should judge each other by the content of our characters and by who we truly are as people. However, in reality this doesn't happen as much as it should. I guess that is understandable. I think there just aren't enough hours in the day to have the time to assess everyone we come across properly. Therefore we have to rely on quick impressions and signals mainly.

Unfortunately, this increased attention and politeness is something you will simply have to get used to, even though it may strike you as false. It is just the way of the world.

Yes!!! I remember learning about this in a psychology class in college. It's also known as the attractiveness stereotype. Sad but true.

RoadDog

If your perception is true, it sounds like you have some shallow male friends.

I would hesitate to characterize all by the actions of some.

BigDaddyRonnie

wow....I just don't know what to add to this thread...

ItsMandeeBitch

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.”

;-)

Kaye8395BTS

I have noticed the same thing. Since losing the weight men treat me better and women treat me worse. Simple and sad as that.

soarinup

Normally, I would say yes, you are correct that it is a self-confidence thing. But I am a very self-confident person, always walked with shoulders straight, head held high, and greeting others positively and firmly. The men in my situation were putting themselves "out there" to me, and never had before. So I strongly believe in this case, it was an outer shell change that caused them to treat me better.

mikefit48

Lol! I think it is a shame we still make sweeping generalizations about men and women. Most of the time the people I know who can't meet quality men or women are either attracted to the wrong things or are looking in the WRONG places. A lot of our social norms are defined by the people we interact with. I could make the same argument concerning appearance towards women and how they treat me is altered by how I look. (Although it IS a fact that men are physiologically more visual.) It just how we are wired and the only difference between the good ones and the bad ones is whether we allow those instincts to control our civility or not. I think most of us who "improve our appearance" tend to also improve our confidence, our health, how we dress, where we go socially, etc... All these things contribute to us being treated differently. We CANNOT forget that the whole reason we seek to improve our health is so we can avoid the pitfalls of low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-defamation, and self-destruction. To be honest, these things aren't attractive to either men OR women. Not judging this specific example.. just responding from a man's perspective because I find this to be a interesting dialogue.

soarinup

Have lost 26 lbs. and was hit on THREE times this week.
Told the boyfriend, "Hey, out there, some think THIS is the pinnacle of HOT. You'd better keep taking care of this."
Haaa!!

And if he isn't, you need to move on for your own good

FrankyOsage

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.”

;-)

Hehe! Haven't heard that one before!!

jdg1mfp

Lol! I think it is a shame we still make sweeping generalizations about men and women. Most of the time the people I know who can't meet quality men or women are either attracted to the wrong things or are looking in the WRONG places. A lot of our social norms are defined by the people we interact with. I could make the same argument concerning appearance towards women and how they treat me is altered by how I look. (Although it IS a fact that men are physiologically more visual.) It just how we are wired and the only difference between the good ones and the bad ones is whether we allow those instincts to control our civility or not. I think most of us who "improve our appearance" tend to also improve our confidence, our health, how we dress, where we go socially, etc... All these things contribute to us being treated differently. We CANNOT forget that the whole reason we seek to improve our health is so we can avoid the pitfalls of low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-defamation, and self-destruction. To be honest, these things aren't attractive to either men OR women. Not judging this specific example.. just responding from a man's perspective because I find this to be a interesting dialogue.

Well said Brother

bellinachuchina

Men are shallow. Fact :P

Exactly.

I'm married, and went on a MNO (mom night out) with a fellow mom-friend, and it was amazing the amount of men that try to talk to me now, & of all different nationalities, that would have never done so before when I was huge. I even called out this white guy on it, I said "I guarantee you would have never came up to me even prior to my pregnancies, b/c I was still 50lbs. heavier than I am now!" We laughed, and he said "You're right!" He then said it's not only a lack of physical attraction, but that he thinks maybe there is something mentally wrong with the overweight girl, that she doesn't value her health or is lazy about becoming slimmer. It was HILARIOUS. I said, "Well, nothing wrong with me mentally, I just grew up with pasta, pizza, and fried chicken cutlets! hahaahha!"

I'm so happy that I found a man who loved me pre-weight loss size. He comes from a family that also loves food, and has healthy women in it that embrace all sizes. Good men are out there, you just have to find them through family, at a library, at the grocery store lol, not in a shallow atmosphere.

1hotmama2b

TOTALLY TRUE- Men always had alterior motives, and women didn't respond well when I was thin.... Wow- how times have changed.... lol.

shaunshaikh

Women are shallow. Fact :P

Fixed it for you

Women do all the things that men have been accused of doing on this thread.

bellinachuchina

Women are shallow. Fact :P

Fixed it for you

Women do all the things that men have been accused of doing on this thread.

Not nearly as openly & often as the machismos :laugh:

Angela4Health

I think people in general, not just men, start treating us better when we start treating ourselves better. When we respect our own bodies and take care of ourselves, people will respect us more. Yes, some men are going to have alterior motives, but not all.

live2smyle

<~~~ Loves shallow men. I dont mind the attention, it actually movtivates me to work harder to obtain my goals

AshleyLauren589

Although I agree with you that you have to look in the right places to find quality people, it's not just about men hitting on you in social situations. It's the salesman at a store approaching you differently, it's men you work with being friendlier, etc. Not getting hit on more at a bar.

I definitely think it's a combination of you looking and feeling better, and it's a little unfortunate but it's probably never going to change. All we can do is know what the motivation behind the extra effort and kindness...

123456654321

I'm kinda sad about the men bashing comments. Women do it too. We are all guilty of it to some degree. We are only human and our sight is obviously something we rely on. Like a poster mentioned above, we are not always given proper time to really get to know everyone we meet. Sometimes all we have is what we see. Is it always accurate or fair? No. But it's life. I honestly don't feel that people should feel shame for doing so either. Sight is one of our major senses. If I meet someone and they are neatly dressed and physically fit, I will probably assume they work hard at taking care of themselves and that probably carries over into other aspects of their life. If I meet someone for the first time who is unfit and unkempt, my first impression will probably be that they aren't as driven or they don't care so much about their physical appearance. Will these assumptions be accurate 100% of the time? No. But sometimes it's all you have to go on. Thing is, unless you are someone who doesn't have good hygiene habits (I have a weak stomach for bad smells) I just don't care either way. If your cool, I could care less about anything else.

As far as the OP is concerned, these are people that you have known for a long time right? So it probably hurts more since they already knew you on a deeper level. I understand how that would suck. It's true, some people (not just men) are just shallow. Like others have said though, is it possible more then your appearance has changed? Maybe you seem happier? More approachable? Sometimes other people see this kind of stuff before we see it in ourselves.

1hotmama2b

Lol! I think it is a shame we still make sweeping generalizations about men and women. Most of the time the people I know who can't meet quality men or women are either attracted to the wrong things or are looking in the WRONG places. A lot of our social norms are defined by the people we interact with. I could make the same argument concerning appearance towards women and how they treat me is altered by how I look. (Although it IS a fact that men are physiologically more visual.) It just how we are wired and the only difference between the good ones and the bad ones is whether we allow those instincts to control our civility or not. I think most of us who "improve our appearance" tend to also improve our confidence, our health, how we dress, where we go socially, etc... All these things contribute to us being treated differently. We CANNOT forget that the whole reason we seek to improve our health is so we can avoid the pitfalls of low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-defamation, and self-destruction. To be honest, these things aren't attractive to either men OR women. Not judging this specific example.. just responding from a man's perspective because I find this to be a interesting dialogue.

Well said Brother

Funny- My husband agrees totally with you guys..... I struggle with weight each time I've had a baby (3 times now...... I'm DONE!!) When I lose the weight he seems to be more "into me", more physical, we seem to be better together in so many ways. To me it feels like he is attracted to me more when I am thin, but he swears it doesn't matter if I'm 180 or 135..... He says it's the confidence I exude when I am thin and when I am the one happy with my appearance. Though I don't notice it, I decided to put this to the test just this past week. I totally faked confidence and came on to him, laughed more, and pretended like my weight was not bothering me, even let him see me (like without my nightshirt).... Among other things that is just TMI.... I have to say, guys- you are right. I think our attitudes do change the way others perceive us!!!! As for women being harder to have connections with when you are thin.... haven't been able to figure that part out.... Must have something to do with insecurity.....

For all the women who are still working on their weight loss journey and like me lack confidence and self esteem..... FAKE IT. I did it for a week, and though I am still trying to make a conscious effort, it is getting easier. Maybe it is true that if you fake it enough you start to feel it.....

janack

I find I have the opposite problem, only with women. I made friends easier with women 25 pounds ago. Now that I am thin it is almost like they turn their nose up at me - unless it is a woman that is thin. I find it odd.