Surprise pregnancy -- need advice.

maddymama

Hi,
You've gotten some great advice from previous posters. Here's what I think:
1) YOU should tell your parents, not your boyfriend.
2) If things look tough financially, think about breastfeeding and cloth diapering (flats or prefolds and covers) the baby. Those two things combined will save you a ton of money that is otherwise wasted (formula is EXPENSIVE and disposable diapers cost a fortune).
Good luck!

daddyzgurl

I had a similar life situation. I got pregnant at 22 years old in 2000 by a boyfriend that my parents thought would never amount to much. At the time, he was a waiter and aspiring bartender. I hid the pregnancy from everyone till about 12 weeks. At the time, I had just graduated college and was still living at home and being supported by my middle/upper class parents. I knew that they were not going to be happy because I wasn't even close to being married nor did I have a job, let alone a career. My parents had me young and all they ever wanted was for me to graduate college, have a career, get married in my early 30's and have kids anytime after that. My parents loved me but were severely disappointed.

I moved in with my boyfriend and his roommate at 4months pregnant so he could participate in the pregnancy more. I took a job at a daycare that summer so I could be around kids since I didn't have much experience with babies. In the beginning it was fun. My sons father (who is 8 years older than me) was just as excited as I to be having a baby. He tried to shield me from all the negative comments from my family and some of my friends. His parents were very happy to be expecting a grandchild despite the circumstances so we spent more time with them and less with my family.

My parents pulled back financially when I moved out. My boyfriend and I struggled since most of his money went to our share of the rent that he split with his friend. I did still have health insurance because I was registered as a student on my mom's plan the year I got pregnant; I got lucky in that way.
I can't say the pregnancy went great overall. in addition to all the stress over constant money issues, the more pregnant I because, the less "fun" i was to hang out with according to my sons father. By the time my son, Zach was born, I knew that his father and I wouldn't last forever as a couple- it was a very sad and depressing revelation that I would eventually be a single mom. I started to see why my parents thought he was a "slacker" and "unmotivated". But, I wasn't ready to give up yet. I was hoping that Zach's dad would see how important we were and fight to make us a proper family.

For the first year of Zach's life I stayed home with him in a small apartment that his father and I rented. Zach's dad worked as a waiter during the day and had another job as a bartender at night. After work he would "hang out" with the other people in the restaurant industry. When he was home all he wanted to do was sleep. I would have to take Zach out of the house so his cry's wouldn't wake him up. We rarely saw him.

Zach's dad and broke up when Zach was 18 months old. He actually left me for the hostess at the restaurant he worked at. He worked so much that I never knew that he was cheating. I felt so betrayed and embarrassed. I went back to my parents (whom I didn't have much a relationship with during the previous 2 years). They took in Zach and I. However, they made sure that I understood that as long as we lived with them they would be calling the shots in me and Zach's life. That lasted less than a year. I was an adult but being treated as a child and a moron for not following their life plan for me.

I moved out of their house while working a job that made less then 25K a year. I could afford nothing. Growing up in an upper-middle class environment did not prepare me for the reality of welfare, WIC and government-assisted housing. But, I did it for my son. We went to court and my sons father paid a small amount of child support based on his earnings.

The next 5 years that followed were extremely difficult and lonely for me. I pretty much repaired the relationship with my family but I know that they are still disappointed in a way. I missed out on all the things people do in their 20's. Long term boyfriends, engagements, vacations and nights out with friends etc.... It was a small price to pay for having my awesome son, but it still made me feel bad at the time.

The good news is that Zach's dad and I are good friends now. We communicate at least once a week and my son see's him every other weekend. He comes to all of Zach's sporting events with his wife and 3 daughters. I love Zach's step-mom. She is a lot like me. Zach's dad credits me for pushing him to mature and focus on the important things in life. Even though we didn't last, I taught him how to manage money, to treat a woman, and to change a diaper. His wife gets to reap those benefits but in the end, I have my son, so it was a fair trade.

In 2003 I was finally using my degree and making money. I could afford to get off of WIC and welfare and move into a tiny (un-government subsidized) apartment. I was SO proud of myself. I met a guy at work who was head over heels in love with me and my 3 year old son. We married in 2005. Zach's dad and my husband became good friends and even co-coached Zach's soccer team a for few years. By 2008 I had 2 more sons Ultimately, I ended up getting divorced last year ( it's a bit irrelevant to this post) but I'm not ashamed. I've been through a lot in life but never regretted any of my decisions- ESPECIALLY the decision to have Zach.

The reality of the situation is that it is going to be hard. Very hard. You're not going to have enough money (at least not right away) to do the things you assumed you would with your first child. You're going to miss out on things with your friends because your priorities will change. It's not necessarily a bad thing but you will grow up FAST in the next year. Your boyfriend will either step-up his commitment to you and the baby or not. You have to acknowledge that unmarried couples with children statistically don't last so at some point in your life, you may be a single mom. You will hit most of life's "milestones" in a nontraditional way. Not a huge deal for some people but diffidently a huge deal for people like out parents

Okay, so in the most roundabout way, what I am trying to say is that if this pregnancy is welcomed by you and your boyfriend then don't worry about everyone else. It is your life. You have to live it every day- not your parents, not your friends, not your co-workers. Your 26 years old, not 17. You're not throwing your life away. Make your own happy ending and don't look back

Nicole

Taras630

I was 18 when I got pregnant. I lived with my mom so did my bf. It was terrifying telling my mon and she was VERY disappointed. I just graduated high school. I had a job and helped with bills though. It took some time but my mom was happy and loves my son. But I was paying for what we needed for my son and moved out when I was two months pregnant. (not because she kicked me out or anything. I moved because I was an adult and didn't want to depend on my mom. We struggled but we made it through and love our son more than anything. Get ready for all the fun!

CuteMommy88

From personal experience....wait until after your first trimester before you tell them! I dont want to sound negative but only about 30% of pregnancies actually last. I got pregnant before (a one night stand) and I told my parents, they were horrified, and i never felt worse, until the next day when i went to the doctor and found out I was having a miscarriage, then i had to tell them about the miscarriage too. I would wait...i actually did wait when I got pregnant with my daughter, I made sure I was 13 weeks pregnant before I told them. Even if your parents are disappointed they will get excited eventually, and they will love that baby, and will support you, i just suggest you wait. good luck and I am sure everything will be ok Congrats on the pregnancy ...and I am still in school, so dont let anyone tell you, that you cant do it with a baby, yes it is a lot harder but if you want to do it you can!!!

kittyinaz

Wow!! Thank you ALL for the wonderful responses!! I wasn't expecting that big of a response number

We miscarried last year due to conflicting blood types (Got the Rhogam shot so if that was the cause then that should be a moot issue now) and I would have been having the baby right about now, right at my graduation. My dad was very nice to me when I was in the hospital, but then a couple days afterwards they didn't wann hear about it again.

My boyfriend and I live together, and I'm lucky enough to own my own house. I work for my father, but I'd like to be completely financially independent from them, or at least 80-90%. I know they will still help me a bit, but the baby will just make it a little harder.

I am not worried about not having any more "fun"... I don't have much of a social life anyway. (I don't drink, party or see friends much.... hell, it's not often I even go to the theaters.) Plus with my two step children (Not sure what to call them since we are not getting married lol) I've had two years to learn how to be a mother, so I'm not worried about that part.

We are going to wait until June just in case I do miscarry again (why get them all worked up for nothing), and because my brother's wedding is this month and I don't want to get them upset or take away from that in any way.

I agree with you all that I need to be the one to tell my parents. I keep telling him that. I'll probably wear him down by the time we want to tell people.

I'm probably going to have to get a job that pays less so I can qualify for state insurance. I was always raised to never get on state insurance or any help from the state, but I'd rather stoop to a lower level and do that than lose my house from the hospital bills we're going to have.

Thank you all for the wonderful responses and advice. I'm still not quite through reading them all, but I really, really appreciate all the input!!

- Cat

SarahR1984

It'll all be forgotten after that baby comes. They are gonna love him/her so much. When I got surprised with my son I was 22 and already graduated, but I'm from a Christian house and we don't believe in pre-marital sex. I made bad choices and was disappointed in myself for not sticking to my values. I did not want to tell my parents, actually I was terrified. I told my Mom and she told my Dad because I didn't want to face him. My parents were disappointed and shocked (we had been together 3 months when I got knocked up on first time having sex, ever!).They didn't freak out and they were supportive, but they were hurt that I didn't tell them sooner. They were literally the last to know because of my fear of disappointing them. That hurt them, I would not reccomend waiting too long. And tell them yourself. It's all in the past now. My parents love my kids and would never want anything to change. And now I wish I hadn't been so scared and waited so long. I've now been married to my hubby for 4.5 years, have a wonderful son who is 4, and a beautiful daughter who is 2. Things worked out and I shouldn't have stressed so much about it. Good luck


p.s. I agree about breastfeeding to save money. I breastfed my son 10 months and daughter 14 months. I bought formula for 2 months for my son, none for daughter. It is crazy expensive. Also you will save money on doctor visits, hospital bills, and various health expenses as breastfed babies are healthier and get immunity from you. Son and daughter had 1 cold in first year:)
*also look into homemade baby food, healthier and saves money too!

kittyinaz

Oy... so I told my mom. I couldn't hold it in anymore. It didn't go well at first. Comments such as "Well your life is ruined." and "Your dad may as well just lay down and die." and about 10 other equally as lovely comments were thrown out.

By the end of it, she said she had a better feeling about this one than the last time and didn't think I would miscarry this time. She didn't realize it had already been 9 months since my miscarriage, she thought it had only been 5 or 6 months.

She eventually said that we can't think of it as a negative thing, and that she knows at first my dad will be so disappointed but he will love the baby when it comes out.

We're still going to wait until about June to tell my dad. Maybe wait until after I get my real estate license. Not sure.

Ugh, it was hard. Really hard. My boyfriend was a little disappointed. And he was surprised she got so mad even though I warned him it was going to go like that.

I guess everything will eventually work out. Now I just have to work on keepin de-stressed. *sigh*