Strategies for dealing with passive-aggressive people?

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GTOgirl1969
GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
in Chit-Chat
A certain member of my family always does their best to provoke me into an argument, and then when I give them the reaction they're so obviously asking for, they get all offended and act like I'm the one with the problem. This person loves to start trouble with me, and seems to get a charge out of me being pissed off (but will act like they aren't doing anything out of order) :mad: :mad: :mad: :explode: How do you guys cope with someone who seems to have a plot to drive you so crazy that you end up in a mental institution?
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Replies

  • bmontgomery87
    bmontgomery87 Posts: 1,260 Member
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    Mess with their head and kill them with kindness.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
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    Avoid them as much as possible.

    Limit visits with this person.

    Smile and nod whenever they say anything.
  • angeleyes13
    angeleyes13 Posts: 22
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    I agree with BMontgomery - being calm and kind is the exact antedote!!!
  • tarazena
    tarazena Posts: 93 Member
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    Just because they are family..doesn't mean they are good for you ...they can be pretty toxic sometimes. Lots of space, boundaries...don't be around them more than you have to. Obviously not good for your mental state....keep happy peaceful people around!
  • keljo05
    keljo05 Posts: 173
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    ignore them as much as possible

    act dumb when they say things to get a reaction

    walk away when I can
  • Aesop101
    Aesop101 Posts: 758 Member
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    When you find out let me know. So many people are just experts at this. One thing you can be sure of, they are not your friends.

    One of the coolest things I ever read is that if someone asks you a question you are not comfortable with ask them why they need to know.

    Maybe you could play dumb, say where are you going with this? In other words put the burden on them. Remember no one can make you mad unless you first give them permission. Tough tough thing to learn.
  • teebeegeebee
    teebeegeebee Posts: 218 Member
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    oh thats simple

    whenever and whatever they say that is designed to bait you reply with

    'no habla ingles'

    it will drive him or her insane - just stick to your guns no matter how hurtfull the thing they say is

    treat them gently, fairly and patiently eventually they will give up the game
  • _Amy_Budd
    _Amy_Budd Posts: 378 Member
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    People like that are the ones with the problem, and all the arguing you do isn't going to change them one bit. Try saying this in your head: "Don't argue with a nobody. The farmer doesn't waste his breath telling the pig that he smells like *kitten*."

    :)
  • StartingOver4Me
    StartingOver4Me Posts: 192
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    Just because they are family..doesn't mean they are good for you ...they can be pretty toxic sometimes. Lots of space, boundaries...don't be around them more than you have to. Obviously not good for your mental state....keep happy peaceful people around!

    This statement is awesome!
  • LindsayChick
    LindsayChick Posts: 129 Member
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    I have 2 family members (sister and her husband) that are like this and I absolutely hate it. (Although sometimes he leaves out the "passive" and just goes all out aggressive). I avoid them when at all possible. Life is too short to deal with that and leave each family outing being hurt and angry. I literally avoid them like the plague. Then when I am accidentally around them I avoid eye contact and act very nice and cordial.
  • larrison
    larrison Posts: 1
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    Here are some suggestions but the best above those below it to listen to your inner guidance. What does your deep inner wisdom say to you about how to deal with this?
    #1. Don't take the bait. You are aware that you are being provoked yet you have a choice to refuse to play the game even if they do not.
    #2. While they have responsibility for their behavior and it would be nice if they would change, you are not able to change them. That is their challenge. Your challenge is to work on you. If you change your behavior there is a possibility that eventually the other person will change.
    #3. Meditate on the Serenity Prayer asking yourself how it applies to you in this situation.
  • mbalaguer1
    mbalaguer1 Posts: 35
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    Mess with their head and kill them with kindness.


    I agree! thats exactly what I do. OR.... just completely ignore them! People like that freak out when you don't pay attention to their bull****. Trust me, my sister is the same way. When she starts acting crazy I stop accepting her phone calls or allowing her to visit me. She hollers about "blood being thicker than water" and "you can't cut your family out of her life" for a couple days and then when she realizes I won't give into her drama she calms down and starts acting normal again... for a while. LOL
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
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    I have 2 family members (sister and her husband) that are like this and I absolutely hate it. (Although sometimes he leaves out the "passive" and just goes all out aggressive). I avoid them when at all possible. Life is too short to deal with that and leave each family outing being hurt and angry. I literally avoid them like the plague. Then when I am accidentally around them I avoid eye contact and act very nice and cordial.

    Sometimes you just have to cut them out completely. I have a sister that I haven't spoken to in years. And I am MUCH happier that way!

    When she couldn't goad me into an argument, she eventually made some pretty wild accusations that no one believed (except her therapist). Including criminal behavior. (And I'm not the only sibling to suffer that fate from her.) My mother is the only family member who still speaks to her in fact. Why she bothers, I can't possibly imagine.
  • luv_lea
    luv_lea Posts: 1,094 Member
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    Just because they are family..doesn't mean they are good for you ...they can be pretty toxic sometimes. Lots of space, boundaries...don't be around them more than you have to. Obviously not good for your mental state....keep happy peaceful people around!

    I very much agree!! Just had recent issues like this with someone VERY close in my family and after so much time (years) & trying, I've found this is the only solution.
  • AllyS7
    AllyS7 Posts: 483 Member
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    I agree with BMontgomery - being calm and kind is the exact antedote!!!

    I agree, to agree. I love messing with them by being ridiculously kind. It gets underneath their skin.
  • MyNameIsNotBob
    MyNameIsNotBob Posts: 565 Member
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    My SIL is like this. I try to put the questions back on her. If she asks, "Why do you do X?" I'll respond, "What makes you ask?"

    I'm not always successful, and she sure does get my goat, but this strategy helps... a little. Luckily, my hubby calls her on her **** and doesn't let her get away with it all the time.
  • koosdel
    koosdel Posts: 3,319 Member
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    My SIL is like this. I try to put the questions back on her. If she asks, "Why do you do X?" I'll respond, "What makes you ask?"

    I'm not always successful, and she sure does get my goat, but this strategy helps... a little. Luckily, my hubby calls her on her **** and doesn't let her get away with it all the time.

    Maybe, but then that would be engaging them in conversation. Which, I believe, is what you wish to avoid. How about a simple honest,"This is a private conversation. Do you mind?" Then walk away.
  • HolleeERL
    HolleeERL Posts: 313 Member
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    If you are fed up with it, you should confront them the next time they try to provoke you. Something like: "Are you TRYING to start an argument?" "Why do you make statements that you know will make me angry?" Like stated above, you have to ALWAYS keep your cool. Try going through the situation in your head before they try to pick a fight. When they try to deny it, don't let them out of it. And most of all: Don't ever give them the satisfaction of letting them know that you are angry. Since that is precisely what they are looking for, they'll keep doing it if they know they've gotten to you. Even if it kills you, don't show anger or irritation. Be very nonchalant. If they keep provoking, just say something like, "It's obvious that you don't have the capacity for a mature conversation." (or something much wittier) and just walk away.

    The biggest thing is that you must accept that this person is a jerk and blow anything this person says off. If the confrontation doesn't work, write that person off as some dumb idiot who has nothing good to interject inton any conversation. They are just a lump of insignificant nothing that doesn't matter in the big picture. When they say something provocative, just consider the source and ignore them.

    Good luck!
  • amandalc980
    amandalc980 Posts: 383 Member
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    Invite them to stay the night. Fill them with drink. Sneak into their room while sleeping. Place pillow gently over face! :devil:

    My in laws are super passive-aggressive, especially mother in law. I usually do my shopping list in my head when they are talking and just nod a lot.
    "My children never took naps and look at them." - Mother in law
    'Milk... two cartons? No just one' head nod
    "Wonder why you feel the need to take a break from your kids" - mother in law
    'Are we out of pancake mix? Yea, lets get some' head nod :wink:
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
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    I have never favored the passive side. I can out-evil anyone. firedevil.gif

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