Question for moms that aren't with their child(ren)'s father

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  • shreddingit
    shreddingit Posts: 1,133 Member
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    I dont let my 7yr old talk to her father at all, we live across the country from him, he has not seen her in 4yrs...
    I dont care.... no support from him....so w/e....
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Some parents (moms and dads alike) use their children as pawns in vindictive games. It's awful, awful, awful.

    Is there a custody agreement in place now? If not, get an attorney and go after custody.

    Took me a lot of time and a lot of money, but I was able to get my custody set up the way it should be for the sake of my daughter.

    And I never, ever EVER deny her access to her father, even if he is a horrible excuse for a human being. He isn't violent with her, he takes care of her basic needs, but he lacks any semblance of emotions or a soul. He doesn't have any idea what it means to spend time with his child, nor how to bond with her. I encourage her to see him and call him. She is the one who is resistant even though I insist and follow the court ordered visitation schedule.

    My court order includes other items such as, if I call him, he must call me back within 24 hours. If I call to speak to her, he must allow me to speak to her (within reason.... not past her bedtime or for other valid reasons). The same goes in reverse.

    I am lucky. While my ex is a POS, he and I do VERY well to co-parent our child. We are respectful to one another in her presence, talk frequently about our daughter's care and day to day events (but only about her, we never talk of other topics), and inform each other of her appointments and such. Sounds nice and easy - it's NOT. I have to swallow my rage at all he's done and put us through, but it's for her sake so I do it. However, not every person is able to do that..... which is my nice way of saying your DH's ex is an immature, self centered you-know-what.....

    Good luck with this.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
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    Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.

    We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.

    Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
    Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.

    MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
    OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
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    Not at all correct....my ex-husband lives 30 minutes from me and he is allowed absolutley NO contact of any kind with our son, and he pays me support ...well at least when he has a job he does!
    That is the typical visitation appointed by most courts. but not all.
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
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    Ex's can be mind-boggling insane.

    Signed The Sane One.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Ex's can be mind-boggling insane.

    Signed The Sane One.

    Co-sign.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
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    Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.

    We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.

    Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
    Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.

    MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
    OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.

    We are saving money for the attorney. We also have ot go through the adoption process for my daughters. My husband will legally adopt my children since their bio dad has nothing to do with them. We will then modify the child support because we think its only fair that since we pay over 1100 a month in child care that should come into play in paying his ex cash. I don't receive child support and my husband is responsible for my children but not legally until they are his. While his ex claims a child that she has only one month out of the year and doesn't pay child support for. I feel things need to be on equal ground and so does he. But we will eventually be able to get a lawyer. I believe next year at the earliest is when we will have the funds to pay for one. We also have the option to file a parenting plan ourselves but I want to make sure she gets railroaded in the process. :happy:
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.

    This is actually what we are afraid of. His ex now has his daughter calling her new boyfriend Daddy and calling my husband by his name. He mentioned that he's her Daddy and his daughter replied I have 2 daddys now!
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    if you don't go fight for custody/visitation, she will continue to do this until the child is 18. My husband had to call the police to go check on his children because she wouldn't let him speak to them (we lived 3000 miles away). We called their school and had them pulled out of class to talk to them when it became necessary. Just do not give up, because after the child turns 18, they will know what is true and they will not respect the parent who tried to turn them against their father.

    if he already has a support order in place and he is complying, it shouldnt take that much more to get visitation. My brother did and he was awarded 50/50. GO FIGHT.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    if you don't go fight for custody/visitation, she will continue to do this until the child is 18. My husband had to call the police to go check on his children because she wouldn't let him speak to them (we lived 3000 miles away). We called their school and had them pulled out of class to talk to them when it became necessary. Just do not give up, because after the child turns 18, they will know what is true and they will not respect the parent who tried to turn them against their father.

    if he already has a support order in place and he is complying, it shouldnt take that much more to get visitation. My brother did and he was awarded 50/50. GO FIGHT.

    I like her last line the best -- GO FIGHT.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
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    Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.

    We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.

    Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
    Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.

    MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
    OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.

    We are saving money for the attorney. We also have ot go through the adoption process for my daughters. My husband will legally adopt my children since their bio dad has nothing to do with them. We will then modify the child support because we think its only fair that since we pay over 1100 a month in child care that should come into play in paying his ex cash. I don't receive child support and my husband is responsible for my children but not legally until they are his. While his ex claims a child that she has only one month out of the year and doesn't pay child support for. I feel things need to be on equal ground and so does he. But we will eventually be able to get a lawyer. I believe next year at the earliest is when we will have the funds to pay for one. We also have the option to file a parenting plan ourselves but I want to make sure she gets railroaded in the process. :happy:

    Thats great of him.. :) My husband also wants to adopt my children but My ex will have to give up his rights in order to do that. ANd even though he wants nothing to do with the kids he still wont. When he picks my son up he basically leaves him with his mother(which he still lives with at 40!) to take care of and doesnt spend any time with him soo... theres where I am at on that! BUt atleast I know he is being cared for when he is there.
    My daughter has already said she will turn 18 before she graduates high school and she will change her name on her Bday and will graduate with my husbands last name. He has been more of a father to both of them then their sperm donor is... and they have always called him dad or daddy since we have been married.
    I hope things work out for yall and maybe your husband can try and get total custody of his daughter if her mother is that screwed up.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.

    This is actually what we are afraid of. His ex now has his daughter calling her new boyfriend Daddy and calling my husband by his name. He mentioned that he's her Daddy and his daughter replied I have 2 daddys now!

    this kind of thing stings (i know from far too many personal matters how bad this hurts), but have no fear. No matter what she makes your daughter say, she can't change her DNA. And that little girl knows the truth. The forever truth is she may have lots of people inher life as parental figures, but truly only one man is her FATHER.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.
    You know that there are a million ways to find people now days on the internet that dont cost an arm and a leg. I have used people finder a couple time to track down people. maybe that is an option for you.
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
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    Does he have a court order? If he gets one it will take the control away from her.
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.

    This is actually what we are afraid of. His ex now has his daughter calling her new boyfriend Daddy and calling my husband by his name. He mentioned that he's her Daddy and his daughter replied I have 2 daddys now!

    this kind of thing stings (i know from far too many personal matters how bad this hurts), but have no fear. No matter what she makes your daughter say, she can't change her DNA. And that little girl knows the truth. The forever truth is she may have lots of people inher life as parental figures, but truly only one man is her FATHER.
    Exactly. In our case, they've changed the daughter's name to her stepdad's last name. She hasn't seen my husband since she was 3 years old, so she probably has no memories of him. She looks exactly like him, and nothing like her brother and sister, who my husband's ex had with her new husband. She will realize soon enough that something isn't right.
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.
    You know that there are a million ways to find people now days on the internet that dont cost an arm and a leg. I have used people finder a couple time to track down people. maybe that is an option for you.
    Oh yeah, they disappeared for a long time but I know where they live now. I have their exact address. We contacted an attorney, but the attorney told us unless we were prepared for a big court battle with lots of money, our best option is to wait. His ex married into a very wealthy family, that is very affluent in the town that they live in. the new husband told us via phone call after the first court dates that they didn't show up to, that they would fight as long as they had to. We just don't have the finances to keep fighting it.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
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    Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.

    We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.

    Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
    Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.

    MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
    OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.

    We are saving money for the attorney. We also have ot go through the adoption process for my daughters. My husband will legally adopt my children since their bio dad has nothing to do with them. We will then modify the child support because we think its only fair that since we pay over 1100 a month in child care that should come into play in paying his ex cash. I don't receive child support and my husband is responsible for my children but not legally until they are his. While his ex claims a child that she has only one month out of the year and doesn't pay child support for. I feel things need to be on equal ground and so does he. But we will eventually be able to get a lawyer. I believe next year at the earliest is when we will have the funds to pay for one. We also have the option to file a parenting plan ourselves but I want to make sure she gets railroaded in the process. :happy:

    Thats great of him.. :) My husband also wants to adopt my children but My ex will have to give up his rights in order to do that. ANd even though he wants nothing to do with the kids he still wont. When he picks my son up he basically leaves him with his mother(which he still lives with at 40!) to take care of and doesnt spend any time with him soo... theres where I am at on that! BUt atleast I know he is being cared for when he is there.
    My daughter has already said she will turn 18 before she graduates high school and she will change her name on her Bday and will graduate with my husbands last name. He has been more of a father to both of them then their sperm donor is... and they have always called him dad or daddy since we have been married.
    I hope things work out for yall and maybe your husband can try and get total custody of his daughter if her mother is that screwed up.

    I have grounds to legally terminate my ex's rights without his permission. According to our state law, he has legally abandoned them. Little to no contact in the last 12 of 14 months deems them as abandoned. Plus I recently officially filed for child support to get the state involved in proving that he isn't paying child support.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
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    I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.
    You know that there are a million ways to find people now days on the internet that dont cost an arm and a leg. I have used people finder a couple time to track down people. maybe that is an option for you.
    Oh yeah, they disappeared for a long time but I know where they live now. I have their exact address. We contacted an attorney, but the attorney told us unless we were prepared for a big court battle with lots of money, our best option is to wait. His ex married into a very wealthy family, that is very affluent in the town that they live in. the new husband told us via phone call after the first court dates that they didn't show up to, that they would fight as long as they had to. We just don't have the finances to keep fighting it.


    I wish I could help you :( God will take care of it soon enough though! sometimes really bad things lead to great things! He never promised us easy!
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    after my brother passed away, my nephew's mother had her new husband adopt him, changed his name , and had a new birth certificate issued with her husband's name listed as his father.


    This made me very upset for a long time. As you might imagine.

    However, I have found solace in the fact I told you before....she can't change DNA! And my nephew is a clone of my brother, so he won't be fooled, no matter how hard she tries to eliminate my brother's memory.

    The best thing to hold on to is the fact that childhood is short, but when they are adults they can choose for themselves who they want to be around. If you are always the ones who are kind and supportive and loving, your child will remember that. My husband's ex told outrageous lies to the children about him, and it was very hard to deal with. But now that they are all adults, none of them have much to do with their mom anymore, because they all can see for themselves how full of it she was.

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