Question for moms that aren't with their child(ren)'s father

SemperAnticus1643

I didn't read all the replies, but I want to respond as the child who was kept from her father.

First of all: Because of what my mom did to keep me from my father, she no longer has my respect. I was very conflicted about this my whole life. They say to honor your mother and father. Well, at a young age I realized, if my mom won't allow me to honor my father, whose to say I should honor her?

What she did was wrong. Her and my father didn't get along, whatever. It's not my problem that they hooked up and created life without respect for the consequences. The consequenses being ME and my right to human dignity. I was not a pawn in her game to manipulate him. I was not property to be fought over. I was an innocent child who relied on these two people because they were all I knew. Whether or not they got along, whether or not there was physical fights, whether or not he paid child support- had NOTHING to do with me. They were adults and they should have assumed responsibility for their actions or gave me to someone who didn't see me as property to be fought over.

My mother told me all kinds of stories about how he beat her and he was in and out of jail. It never mattered because he was MY father and I had a right to know where I came from. You cannot expect a child to understand abuse from an adult perspective. Especially because after she was remarried, my step dad never had a problem kicking the crap out of me. So it was wrong to hit her, but ok to hit me? There are legal ways of doing things. Yes they are a hassle. Too bad. Adults who make babies are responsible for them. Period. Both of them should have considered MY outcome over ther own.

I have just recently been reaquainted with my father after 29 years. He doesn't like my mother, but he doesn't talk down about her to me. She, on the other hand, is still so angry that she still tells me he doesn't love me. This is what, 29 years ago, introduced me to the slow and painful death of anorexia. Being told that my father, the man whose DNA partially caused my existance, was an evil man who didn't love me. It went against every memory I had of him, so I believed that there was something wrong with me. My mother was the only person in the world who loved me and she was mean to me and my new daddy hit me and never talked to me like I was a person. So this is how I grew up thinking relationships go. I attempted suicide 6 times. I never had a real relationship with a man because I believed that I wasn't worthy of being loved by a man. I thought they all just take what they want and then leave. This is the warped illusion that I lived in all of my life because my mother didn't have the guts to sit down with me and understand that I too had a say in my life. That her words so deeply affected my life. The truth is, my dad was a hellraiser. So was my mom. She was the town slut, he was the bar fighter. Thats not my problem. They didn't have to see each other, but I should have never been kept from either of them. My dad loved me. I know that now. But unfortunaley, most kids in my situation don't grow up to see this kind of closure. Did my dad hit my mom? Probably. Shes that woman who like to provoke you into hitting her. I saw her do it all the time with my step dad. Then she would use me or my sister as a sheild. If anything, I proably should have been kept from her.

I was date raped at 20. I had my daughter. I know who her father is. He owes me alot of child support. He is well aware that she is his. He chooses to hide. If it ever came down to it, I would let her know him if she wanted to. She knows his name, she knows the whole story. Never once did I tell her he doesn't love her because I can't possibly know that for sure and it's not my place to assume. He was an idiot, yes, he hurt me. But to keep my child from knowing where she came from would be wrong. I know this because I have lived it and wanted to die because of it. I know this is a hard concept to grasp if you didn't grow up this way. But trust me when I say, every child deserves to know BOTH parents. At least to have the information that when they are of age to go find out for themselves. And inthe meantime, never given harsh information in sucha way that it would sway their opinion one way or the other. For example: My friends ex is in prison for bank robbery. He rbbed a bank in the middle of a custody trial. So, easy as it would have been for her to say, "Your father is a crook who only thinks about himself and drinks and used to beat the crap out of me." She told her that he is in prison for breaking the law, he choses to drink and use drugs which alter his mind and we just can't trust him untill he gets the help that he needs. Meanwhile, regardless of her feelings about him and his family, she established visitation with his family so tht she can stay connected to where she comes from.

The moral of my story is.... If you aren't going to stay with your childs father, it's not your childs problem. The fact that my father fought so hard to keep me is what allows me as an adult to not blame him or be too angry with him. But the way my mother handled it, and there is ALOT more to this story, makes it hard for me to look at her and say, "I get it mom and it's OK" Its not. I would suggest that your husband stricly adhere to every possible legal outlet within grasp. Even if it doesn't work out now, eventually his child will be an adult and able to see the truth. If his ex is as ruthless as my mom, he needs to be on his toes. He will be a father forever, and one day, his child may want to hear the truth. He should always be prepared for that and set it up now by taking avenues to show that he is serious about being in his childs life.

Sorry for the length of my respnse. This has affected my life in ways I cannot describe. Sometimes, I just need to get it out.

Thank you for your reply and your story. I do but I don't understand the feelings you have towards your mother. My mother isn't one that I respect. She is still my mother, yes, but my dad has all the respect from me that I can give and then some. My dad got full custody of me when I was 3 but always allowed me to see my mom. I just grew up to realize that she's not a parent. She's a friend that happens to be my mom. And now she's trying to be a parent to me and tell me how to live and I have a husband, home and kids of my own.

As far as the "step dad" goes, not long ago, the mother let my step daughter go on a 3 day camping trip alone with her boyfriend. Which kinda freaked me out a little. A grown man and a child that's not his alone for 3 days in the woods. You can see where my thoughts were going. What strikes a nerve with me is she will allow her child to go on a camping trip but won't allow my husband and her bio dad and myself to see her. And I won't be taking her out in the woods alone. We will all be in the same house. And there is so much more to this story. It's a hassle all the time to deal with her. And we have no way around dealing with her. Not right now anyway. And my husband and I are ready to go to court. We just have other matters that come first. Cause we know what the mother is doing but my step daughter isn't in any physical danger to our knowledge. When he does get to talk to her, she is a very happy child. Her mother is just a total winch. And I understand get both sides of the story but at some point the real person come out after all the hassle she has put him through. And he still remains the same. I have also seen the text messages from her to him regarding what happened between the two of them and it goes right along with what he has told me.

1234lbsgone

Thank you for your reply and your story. I do but I don't understand the feelings you have towards your mother. My mother isn't one that I respect. She is still my mother, yes, but my dad has all the respect from me that I can give and then some. My dad got full custody of me when I was 3 but always allowed me to see my mom. I just grew up to realize that she's not a parent. She's a friend that happens to be my mom. And now she's trying to be a parent to me and tell me how to live and I have a husband, home and kids of my own.

As far as the "step dad" goes, not long ago, the mother let my step daughter go on a 3 day camping trip alone with her boyfriend. Which kinda freaked me out a little. A grown man and a child that's not his alone for 3 days in the woods. You can see where my thoughts were going. What strikes a nerve with me is she will allow her child to go on a camping trip but won't allow my husband and her bio dad and myself to see her. And I won't be taking her out in the woods alone. We will all be in the same house. And there is so much more to this story. It's a hassle all the time to deal with her. And we have no way around dealing with her. Not right now anyway. And my husband and I are ready to go to court. We just have other matters that come first. Cause we know what the mother is doing but my step daughter isn't in any physical danger to our knowledge. When he does get to talk to her, she is a very happy child. Her mother is just a total winch. And I understand get both sides of the story but at some point the real person come out after all the hassle she has put him through. And he still remains the same. I have also seen the text messages from her to him regarding what happened between the two of them and it goes right along with what he has told me.

My problems with my mom mainly stem from the way she handled things. She actually told me that my father and brother were both dead when I expressed interest in meeting them. They are both well and alive. It was just the extent she went to to keep me from him, including some other pretty huge lies. I don't even know what my name used to be. I have to go to court to have my adoption records unsealed just so I can find out what my name used to be. Even when I was flagged as an illegal because my birth certificate looks fake, she wouldn't budge to tell me anything. My imagination was going wild back then wondering where the heck I came from.

Your step daughters mother sounds like my mom. I couldn't be with my dad, but she would bring me to the bar with her and leave me on top of the pool table being watched by random bar men while she tended bar. She didn't want me to call my dad, dad, but told me to call her boyfriend dad. It's purely selfish in my opinion. I guess some women can't let things go and get a warped sense of comfort from cutting someone out of their life. I don't understnd it. Not at all.

I really hope you guys are able to find a resolution quickly. Mostly for her sake, but for your peace of mind too. What a crappy situation, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Just stay strong because someday, she will have questions and you will be the sane and strong one who can answer them. Eventually she will know the truth and she will be able to have peace with you all as a family. And it will be bittersweet, just like it was for me. I just hope that it doesn't take 29 years for her.

Good luck and God Bless