Marriage.

XBabigrl72
XBabigrl72 Posts: 88
edited September 27 in Chit-Chat
The world today is really quit sad. In my local paper there are two sections which our local news section. Weddings and divorces. Number 1: I find myself amazed that this even makes it to the news paper, there's nothing better than picking up the paper and being reminded that you're getting a divorces. Number 2: I can't believe the amount of time some of these people have been together. Anywhere from 10-15 years. After that long wouldn't you be willing to make things work? Now I know that sometimes even after you try everything to make it work it still might not. But you make these vows for a reason, you promise yourself to someone for a reason. LOVE. I truly don't believe it dies out in an old relationship. It grows and changes and you need to adapt to it again and again and again if need be. But why is it so hard to talk about things before they build. Or step back and say it's not working what are we doing wrong. Or something other than jumping to a divorce. I'm not saying all of these people didn't try but I want to know why trying didn't work. As someone who is planning on getting married within the next year. I want to know there's still hope for married couples, I worked too hard to find this great person to only divorce them in 3-5 yrs. Because things just aren't working anymore. Even now WE give it our all to make it work, so we can actually get to our wedding day. Do we fight? Yeah. Do we get so mad at each other we sometimes find ourselves wondering why we want to commit the rest of our lives to each other? Yes. But at the end of the day our love runs so deep we can't split apart.
«13

Replies

  • Marcellus_08
    Marcellus_08 Posts: 253
    I couldn't agree with you more:)
  • FitFrenchGirl
    FitFrenchGirl Posts: 177
    yeah its horrible, I know a guy and his ex wife..he is 75 and she is 55 years old :( they have been together forever and boom got a divorce....i couldnt believe it
  • mrmarius
    mrmarius Posts: 1,802 Member
    true.. the reality is marriage takes alot of work and most people seem to forget that. nowadays its more conveinient to just divorce and go on. at least it seems that way the process of divorce is very devastating.. many people have no idea what they are getting into in the first place . however there are soooooo many people that make it work so fear not its not all doom and gloom
  • DyannAlvarez
    DyannAlvarez Posts: 162 Member
    I'm so proud to say that my parents have been married going on 50 years come next March. :flowerforyou:
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    Nobody but nobody gets married with divorce in mind. I was married 16 years before I finally gave up. It was the best decision because if I had stayed with him he would have dragged us down in the mud he is now stuck in. It turns out he has been a really lousy father since.

    I totally agree that people should try to make it work, but after 16 years if you see that really fundamental problems are there, and there is only one side making a try of fixing them, then sometimes you have to let it go. My situation was not one of not trying or not being prepared to work at it, nothing would have fixed things because he is not capable of changing. Seems I was totally done over by his charm, which he has in spades, just not honesty and integrity and strong moral compass.


    GG
  • stephanielynn76
    stephanielynn76 Posts: 709 Member
    Well I've been happily married to a wonderful man for over 10 years. We are still in love and quite hot for each other still too. Happy marriages do exist. We arent without our challenges like everyone else but we want to be together so we work things out. My parents, however, divorced after over 30 years. It was a bad marriage from the start but my mom stuck it out. My dad will not ever change and that isn't her fault.
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
    I got my 10yr in with almost 15yrs of marriage and a hella life insurance policy. Im not going anywhere :laugh:
  • brewingaz
    brewingaz Posts: 1,136 Member
    Married here for 6 years. It's a lot of work. There are rough spots, ups, and downs.Obviously there are circumstances where divorce is necessary. I'm not discounting those by any means. Some people go into a marriage not really realizing the toll the rough spots and downs take on them. So, they give up. They loved the ups though. If people can make it a point to remember what brought them to the ups and do them, it can make the rough spots a lot smoother. And, for every rough spot you come out of, you come out stronger in your relationship.
  • Frankenbarbie01
    Frankenbarbie01 Posts: 432 Member
    From an old married woman of 12 yrs.... believe in the commitment you make to your partner. My husband and I have had rough patches (death of parents, life threatening illness, money trouble, questions of fidelity...) this I know for sure...........
    When you are having difficulty in your marriage you MUST turn towards your PARTNER. They are in this too, and as a committed member of the relationship you owe it not only to yourself and your vows, but to them to do everything you can to have a relationship that is loving and rewarding FOR you BOTH. This means spending some time apart with seperate interests and being your own person within the relationship. People tend to forget during the planning of a wedding lasting all of one day, that they should be planning for a marriage that can last 50 years!
    When all is said and done in 45 years when you are too old to travel, the kids are all gone and busy with their own families, too old to have sex...you better be able to TALK to your partner as a friend. Dont be discouraged, if you are lucky enough to marry a good freind as well as someone you are attracted to you will be able to contribute to a good relationship and celebrate a Golden Wedding Anniversary :smile: one day
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    As someone who is planning on getting married within the next year. I want to know there's still hope for married couples

    There IS hope. It takes TWO people who are totally committed. Make sure you are mature and ready for a commitment. Make sure you like the person as is - and don't expect them to change. Be each other's best friend. Stick up for one another - when it comes to your family and in-laws, friends, etc., your spouse is always number one! Being married is totally easy and fun if you have the right attitude and the same goals for the future. I always hear people say you've really got to work at it, but I don't think it's work at all. Sure there are cranky days, but it doesn't last. Maybe I'm just lucky. My husband rocks! We've been together for 11 years and married for 10. No sign of stopping or slowing down...Good luck and have LOTS of fun! :love:
  • moyafigura
    moyafigura Posts: 140 Member
    I got married at 18 and have been married over ten years now. Divorce is just not in our vocabulary, but it does help that we love each other and are faithful.
  • moyafigura
    moyafigura Posts: 140 Member
    Oh, and wanted to wish you the best with your wedding. Hope the two of you are trully happy till death do you part :)
  • TaushasJourney
    TaushasJourney Posts: 143
    BUMP
  • ColeyCannoli
    ColeyCannoli Posts: 147
    Love this. So true.
    A lot of people stay together "for the kids" even though they know they don't love each other much earlier on in the relationship. Or they have kids to fix it and end up stuck. They end up staying until their kids are "old enough" like that is a good idea. Trust me, it's not. Your kids know. They are hurt by it. If you can't find a way to love the person you're with even a little or decide you need to cheat, then do everyone a favor and just get out.
  • ThaiKaren
    ThaiKaren Posts: 341 Member
    I do agree with you, but maybe sometimes people have stayed together for the sake of their children, never mind that the children would have most probably been better off wthout all the arguments etc etc. The other thing is some people get to a certain age and realise that life is passing them by and why settle for second best and want to have a life.
    But marriage takes a lot of work and give and take on both sides and if the couple truly love and respect each other they will make it.
  • maryloo2011
    maryloo2011 Posts: 446
    ARE YOU REALLY SEROUS

    How can you generalize all divorces into one chunk of "it didn't work out in these past 3-7 years" without knowing what was going on?! Do you know all these people personally.......?
  • NydiaSmith
    NydiaSmith Posts: 3
    the trouble is todays mentality of abundance and instant gratification. i want to be happy right now. i dont want to work hard for it. and there is plenty others out there.. i got a divorce 14 yrs ago because though i loved him everyone told me i didnt have to put up with anything there were plenty of fish in the sea. well there were but it took me a long time to fine someone worthy of my children. and now he is stuck cause for all intents and purposes the rest of the fish drowned. and though we have obsticles we understand if the grass is greener on the other side all you have to do is water your own lawn.
  • Mightytaco84
    Mightytaco84 Posts: 76 Member
    It takes two to make a thing go right.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    It takes two people to care to to fight to keep a marriage alive. My parents were married for 30 years, than my brother died. My mom gave up and left us.
    Some people split cause they don't care, others split cause only they care and the other doesn't. Its very sad indeed.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
    i think everyone should do what they can to make things work, but you do only get one life, and theres no point living with some terrible decision you made in your youth your whole life just because you "should".
    marriage does take hard work, but you also need a fundamental base of love, and sometimes that just dies out for many different reasons, and sometimes, it just never was going to last the distance and a couple were just swept away in romance.
    My ex husband left me after 9 years because "he wasnt in love anymore" and tbh, im glad he had the guts to do it in hindsight, because i would have just gone along with what i signed up for and never truly known proper love and happiness like i do with my partner now
  • significance
    significance Posts: 436 Member
    I've been with my partner for 11 years, married for the last year of that. I find it hard to imagine us ever splitting up, which is part of the reason we decided to marry. But I've seen several friends who have been married for several years end up in divorce. People change. They get married before they have finished growing into themselves and find their new self doesn't like their partner's new self. Others find they can no longer ignore problems that were there all along, that meant it never really worked, though they kid themselves that it did. Others find themselves resenting the sacrifices they have made to make it work (following a partner across the world at a cost to your own career, having kids because the partner wants them, not having kids because the partner doesn't, whatever) and find that the rewards for these sacrifices are not what they thought they'd be.

    I'd say, though, that if you're having real fights before marriage, you should consider holding off the marriage until you have worked out why, and whether you can solve the problem. Maybe it's a matter of communicating better when you disagree, or maybe it runs deeper. Fights are not an inevitable part of a relationship, and a healthy relationship shouldn't (most of the time) be a struggle.
  • lisa35120
    lisa35120 Posts: 230 Member
    Do we fight? Yeah. Do we get so mad at each other we sometimes find ourselves wondering why we want to commit the rest of our lives to each other? Yes. But at the end of the day our love runs so deep we can't split apart.

    I agree with everything you said, especially this. I've been married just over a year, and been with him for almost 4 years. There are times when we fight almost every day but at the end of the day, we both love each other more than anything else in the world. We've been through a lot together and at this point there is nothing that could split us apart. My grandparents were married 60 years and always loved each other completely.. he was with her until last Thursday when she passed away. My parents have been happily married for almost 30 years. Sure, they've had their issues, but they've worked them out. It's easy to get discouraged when divorce is happening all around you, but don't give up. There is still hope.

    One thing I've learned is..marriage is WORK, but if you're willing to get though that, SOOO worth it. But it takes both of you to want to make it work. :)
  • freightdiva
    freightdiva Posts: 55 Member
    Good Luck with your marriage! Still married 7/6/1988 it can be a good thing and as we know all good things take work!
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    It takes two to make a thing go right.

    it takes two to make it outta sight.
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
    Exactly. There isn't a time that I look at my kids and wish things could be different, but at some point you have to throw in the towel. Generally I don't take offense to what people think, but assuming EVERYTHING can be worked out is simply unfair.
  • juliebrc1
    juliebrc1 Posts: 25
    I believe that if you can you look at the situation and say that you have given 110% to make it work, you have done what you can. You have NO control of the person. Just be the best YOU that you can be! Don't worry about what others think. YOU tried with everything you had! Be happy, that is a great gift to give your kids!:smile:
  • Triquetra
    Triquetra Posts: 270 Member
    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
    Exactly. There isn't a time that I look at my kids and wish things could be different, but at some point you have to throw in the towel. Generally I don't take offense to what people think, but assuming EVERYTHING can be worked out is simply unfair.

    I'm with you, after 15 years found out about my "cheater" and we are now divorced. Same as Jester, mine still cheated while we were in counselling, that is a sure sign they are not going to work it out with you. I have full custody though so my marriage was worth it for my kids!
  • AngelsKisses75
    AngelsKisses75 Posts: 595 Member
    I was one of those people in the paper. I am glad it does not tell the full story honestly. Enough happened in my marriage that I swore off marriage forever. Then I met someone that opened my mind back up to that idea.

    So honestly I feel like you have essentially placed me in the category of 'didn't try hard enough'. Trust me I did my part, and I would be willing to bet a lot of them did as well.

    The one thing you need to remember is your relationship is based on two people, no one else. The outside world can affect your relationship only as you allow it. You get to make the decision if it is, or is not worth 15+ 20+ 30+ 80 years. While you are at it take a look at the anniversaries page. Those lovely people have made it and so can you! As long as you are safe, healthy, and have a relationship you feel secure in.

    Best of wishes to you on your upcoming nuptials!
This discussion has been closed.

Categories