Diet sabotage by partner :(

jenfunfur

So my partner is really getting me down right now, i don't think he realises but he's destroying all my hard work & i don't know how to confront him

The problem is that we are both overweight from years of eating rubbish, using food as a reward & not exercising. I decided this new year to do something about it before it got out of control & at the time my partner was very supportive of the decision.
It's been great for a few months but slowly the support is going. I'm doing my best to eat healthy & workout most days, but my partner id making it very difficult. He keeps buying junk food & getting takeout! Yesterday he brought home apple pie, bakewell tarts, sweets, chocolate & fizzy pop! He keeps doing this & saying that i deserve a reward for my hard work.
I guess whats really getting to me is that i hoped he would join me on this journey, he's 240lb with a 40 inch waist. I want him to care about being healthy for both of us. It's so hard to keep on track, eating healthy when he's sitting there eating crisps & sweets. How can i get him to understand that i'm trying to make these changes so with can have a better longer life together? It's starting to drive a wedge between us i want to stay on track but i can't do it without support. Thanks for letting me rant , any advice would be greatly appreciated x

GemmieNoWobbles

Hey

I think I used to be what your boyfriend is to my other half... I'd moan about being "fat" but at the same time bring home tasty treats for me and Ben. What Ben did was to refuse to eat any of the crap I brought home and ended up making me feel really flabby and guilty. Its harsh but it works. I eat when I am sad, and as I suffer from depression I comfort eat. I had to make the decision myself that I eat to comfort myself but in the long run I am more depressed as I hate the way I look. So, I think, your going to have to be super strong, refuse the treats he is bringing home and eventually he will get tired of eating them by himself while you get super sleek and feel amazing about yourself. Hopefully your success will inspire him to turn his eating habits around.

You can sit him down and tell him that you are doing this for you, you dont want to use food as a reward so as its all very sweet n all him bringing you treats its actually not what you want. Tell him if he brings you stuff, you appreciate the thought but you will not be eating it. Say this, when he brings them home, tell him again that you said you wouldnt be eating it and leave it at that! He will soon get the idea.

I hope this helps, this really worked for me. x Chin up chook, you have us all for support. :flowerforyou:

RGPargy

I feel your frustrations! My fella sometimes does the same thing to me, although now that he's got the exercise bug, he hardly does it.

It's amazing how many people's partners do the same thing! I think sometimes underneath it all they can start to feel a bit insecure about their partners starting to lose weight and maybe that's why they subconsciously sabotage their efforts made!

I guess you will just have to be strong when he comes home with all the junk food and when he offers it to you, try really hard not to give in and just say something like "no thanks or all the good work i did this week will be undone!". Perhaps point out to him how many calories are in stuff and how long it would take you to burn that off again? Maybe if you keep telling him how bad those crisps are ("wow, there's XYZ amount of saturated fat in these!!") he might start to take on board what you are saying and join you in your journey.

Please dont let him undo all your hard work - be strong! I know it's hard - really hard - but you CAN do this!!

Good luck!!

suzitkd

Oh no! (((hugs))) It sounds like you need to sit your bloke down and tell him how you feel though. I doubt it will come as any surprise to him. My guess is he's scared by this new slimline woman who is appearing before him, which is now making him feel even fatter than ever. Does he ever eat with you? Could you cook a gorgeous low cal meal and talk to him about both of your diets over that? Don't let it come between you! My guess is he's a very unhappy puppy too When you're both 'big' together that is your identity as a couple. Now you're no longer big and he still is so your identity as a couple has been wrenched away and he doesn't know where he fits in any more, and maybe just a little bit of him is worried that the new slimline you doesn't love him as much any more because you're only going to be attracted to slimline blokes! We all go a bit mad I think when it comes to emotions about food, our size and weight! Try to forgive him, tell him you still think he's gorgeous and show him that you haven't been hungry doing your diet and you'd love to help him change his diet too... if he wants to! xxxxx

alexjolly88

firstly congratulations on losing so much weight! ive only just joined so find it quite inspiring! i dont know if this will work but maybe he needs to be shocked into realising how much he is over eating and how many caleries his food contains. what kicked my *kitten* into gear was seeing how many caleries my daily intake of food was and how much i was over the recommended amount without even realising. so maybe get him to enter in what he eats and fingers crossed this will have some effect on him! keep strong and i hope you reach your goal

jenfunfur

I wish i could get him to have the exercise bug, i'm sure if he lost some weight he would appreciate the sacrifices i'm making. Think i'll just have to bite the bullet & have a heart to heart with him. Until then staying strong one day at a time, why does junk have to taste so good? Have meals planned for the next week & fridge stocked with healthy food. Fingers crossed x

jenfunfur

@alexjolly88 thats a great idea will see if he will keep a food diary over the weekend

Fattack

What Ben did was to refuse to eat any of the crap I brought home and ended up making me feel really flabby and guilty. Its harsh but it works.

My boyfriend has done this too (intentional or not!) and it really does work - but it may not work on your boyfriend if he doesn't want to lose weight. You should try to include him in your workouts or something, make it fun!

Whilst it is entirely possible that he doesn't want you to *change* (something my boyfriend says to me, in a roundabout way, is that he still wants to recognise me as his girlfriend and the girl he fell in love with), it is also possible that he is just trying to be sweet and reward you. He may view your omission of cakes etc. as a sacrifice (some of us regard it as a sacrifice, others don't really miss it) of things you love, and is trying to reward you for doing so well by getting you things you've been - in his view - missing out on. Just tell him kindly that whilst you may enjoy those foods (if you still do) and you understand he's trying to reward you, that eating them will just undo your hard work and make you feel bad about yourself, and if he wants to reward you, he is more than welcome to do so in other ways.

And then hand him a catalogue for Tiffany's jewellers :DDD

GemmieNoWobbles

I wish i could get him to have the exercise bug, i'm sure if he lost some weight he would appreciate the sacrifices i'm making. Think i'll just have to bite the bullet & have a heart to heart with him. Until then staying strong one day at a time, why does junk have to taste so good? Have meals planned for the next week & fridge stocked with healthy food. Fingers crossed x

Men are just a different species... my other half is naturally thin, he never used to exercise AT ALL, apart from his thumbs playing computer games, but last year I managed to get him into running and even got him to join the gym. He runs like a blimmin whippet without even trying... its sickening. He is also keeping a food diary and is very aware of what he eats and is very encouraging to eat good stuff and refuse my treats. I think something just switches in them and they decide. I am sure it will happen with your man too... just keep strong and be encouraging to him. Tell him you need a buddy to do you C25k with and you'd love it if he came with you? When I was training for a half marathon I got Ben to cycle with me while I ran (back in his couch potato days) I challenged him to run as he said I was slow and he couldnt cycle that slowly... maybe a bit of healthy competition could get your man interested??

createdbyGod

honesty is the best policy. make him a healthy dinner, and talk about your short-term and long-term goal regarding your life together, including your health and weigh. Show him this website and try to log his daily intake with his help together. gently explain that you are doing this not only for yourself but for him as well as you want to be attractive for him.
he might be getting jelous becuase he is noticing you getting slimmer and fitter and might be scared of losing you. this needs to be asked too. just have lots of patience, be sensitive,loving and respectful to you man. all the best.

CARNAT22

I lost 40lbs five years ago and my partner (now Ex partner I hate to say!) not only tried to undo all of my hard work but was actually pretty bitter and nasty about my successful weightloss.

He used to tell me that I looked too thin, looked ill etc..

Whilst I got slimmer he ate more and more. He would refuse to eat my healthy food and lived on take aways / junk...

This wasn't the ultimate reason our relationship failed and at the time I didn't even realise how bad his attitude was...

My current partner is naturally slim - he does a very manual job so does not have to worry about his weight at all. However he has been nothing but supportive towards my choice to loose weight...

Sorry OP - I know I am not being very helpful but sadly my experience with my Ex wasn't 'fixable' - as I say the whole weight thing was just one issue of many though!

TheGoktor

Jen, everything I was going to say has been said by everyone else here (apart from Carnat's post - big hugs, Carnat). I *do* think you need to have an honest heart-to-heart with him, and give him the chance to explain why he is doing this. It probably is a combination of genuinely 'rewarding' you and it being a bit of a security blanket for him. I suspect that if you both explain how you feel, and can see each other's point of view, you'll have pretty good chance of resolving this. I'd say he probably has no idea how much this is upsetting you, nor how hard it is to resist.

If he is resistant to change, perhaps he'd agree to little but attainable goals. No junk unless it's a Friday or Saturday, for example. At least then you can plan for it, and perhaps allow yourself something if you want.

Remember my 'this is how much I've lost' photo? Why not get 17lbs of junk food, crisps etc. and show him that that's how much you've lost? You could do it in the supermarket, rather than at home where you might be tempted to eat it! Show him what 17 tubs of Ben & Jerry's looks like! Then ask him to pick them up and carry them. I think he'll get your point!

I completely agree with making him healthy, yummy food too. Make it so good that he won't want to eat junk food! Perhaps his perception of what healthy food is needs changing?

I'm sending you loads of hugs and positive thoughts but if you need anything else, let me know. I'm only a short train ride away, so if you want to get together for a chat or whatever...

:flowerforyou:

fh1951

Your success at adopting a healthy diet comes from your burning desire to do it. You are the one that sets the boundaries.

Go ahead and enter the stuff he brings home in your diary as if you had eaten it and see what it does to your goals (you can delete everything you enter afterwards).

Tell him you don't want him to eat alone so would he please get some [apples, strawberries, yogurt] for you when he's getting HIS stuff.

Be true to yourself and good luck!

robertf57

Stop with the mamby pamby approach! Tell him straight up that you do not appreciate his actions and that he is sabotaging your efforts. If he brings any contraband home. Through it out!

GemmieNoWobbles

Stop with the mamby pamby approach! Tell him straight up that you do not appreciate his actions and that he is sabotaging your efforts. If he brings any contraband home. Through it out!

hahaha... this will work too!! :laugh:

fh1951

Stop with the mamby pamby approach! Tell him straight up that you do not appreciate his actions and that he is sabotaging your efforts. If he brings any contraband home. Through it out!

haha
full speed ahead, d**n the torpedoes!

hollyb9871

I agree with most of the other posts. You need to have a heart to heart with him. He may not really realize he's sabotaging your efforts. A few ideas to try, after the talk: going for walks together after dinner (instead of eating the junk food for dessert), starting a vacation fund/special night out fund using the money he would have spent on the junk food, get him to help you prepare a well balanced meal it's more fun together. You could try making a game of it, for every 5lbs. lost the one who lost it first gets a massage or some other incentive, from the the other. When the other partner reaches the 5 lb. mark it's switched.

Good luck to you, I hope you find something that works!

dawnrenee567

You can't MAKE someone change. Until he's ready to lose weight and be healthy, he won't. Focus on YOU. Find an exercise/support buddy outside the house. Congrats on your great work so far!

Pebble321

To be honest, I don't agree with a lot of the suggestions here - telling him how much fat is in his junk food for example - if my partner did that to me, it would REALLY p*ss me off and would make me decide to deliberately keep eating junk just to spite him (sounds bad I know, but that is how I would react!)

I know it's hard but you can only make a decision for you. You can't decide for him that he has to lose weight.

Why not make sure you have some healthy snacks in the house so when he is eating junk you have something yummy and healthy to snack on so you can just say "no thanks, I'm having some hommous, do you want some?"

beccaboo1021

Why not make sure you have some healthy snacks in the house so when he is eating junk you have something yummy and healthy to snack on so you can just say "no thanks, I'm having some hommous, do you want some?"

Great idea! But I don't know how willing I would be to share my healthy stuff if he keeps trying to sabatoge my progress!

Joyjmb

I swear if you tell him you'd rather have sex than food as a reward then this problem might just disappear.