Sabotage? Hubby vent...

swebb1103

I was talking about how happy I have been with my overall toning (no weight loss for awhile, but definitely getting smaller - clothes fitting better, can see definition in my stomach and shoulders....), and my husband told me that he didn't want me to change - he married me looking one way and he doesn't want me to be different!

He's always been supportive when I have been heavy - but now that I am leaner and more toned than I have been since high school, he doesn't like it??

My weight loss goals are not extreme, in fact I'll still be about 10 pounds overweight when I reach them but I will be healthy and strong. I won't lose my curves or become overly muscular - two things he has been worried about.

It's discouraging, is all. I thought he would appreciate my new body and the fact that I am fitter and healthier, when apparently he prefers me the way I was.... :frown:

countingitall

Sorry how fusterating.
Change is hard for everyone really.
MAybe take sometime and ask what worries him, what his concerns are. There is a root to these worries.

Painten

I have always been overweight and am now heavier than when i met my oh. My goal weight is less that when we met. He's happy i'm losing now but he has said he doesn't want me any smaller than when we met. It's a hard one. They loved us at one size and we are trying to be different than when they met us.

I had a friend who lost half her body weight and her hubby always joked that she was half the woman he married. He said not only did she change physically but her whole personality changed, he sometimes thought she wasn't as outgoing as when they met he wasn't sure if it was the weight or the kids but i think they worry about that.

I don't believe it's all about them feeling insecure when the woman gets smaller i think it's sometimes they worry that we will lose more than just dress sizes.

Naomi_84

Mmmm, this is tough.

Yes you would hope that your husband would be supportive and happy that he has a wife who'll be happier, healthier and live longer but it sounds like he's feeling insecure and threatened by your weight loss instead. Maybe he feels that with added confidence you won't be satisfied with him any more? Reassure him that this isn't the case and tell him how much it means to you to be healthier and how much you need his support.

Well done on your success and good luck!

bigmoondogg

Exercising and dieting with a goal in mind is not something that someone does in order to please others. It's something that we do to feel better about ourselves as well as choosing to live a longer, healthier life. Reassure him that you'll still be the same person he married and that a physical change shouldn't tarnish the image he's had of you all this time. Besides, physicality isn't what brought the two of you together, is it?

jennywrens

Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!

losermomof3

I think my hubby is the same way. When I had lost weight before he was acting differently. I am losing again and I am waiting for his attitude to change...hasnt happened yet. Unfortuntaly he can eat anything and everything and not gain a pound, so he tends to eat junk food in front of me and that makes it harder on me. He doesnt intentionally do this...but he can avoid it at the same time. I understand what your going through and he will just have to get used to it. I think subconsciously he is afraid.

grumpy2032

Mine is the same way we married right out of High School 30+ yrs ago and he thinks that I will leave him for someone when I reach my goal. He has gone so far as to buy me icecream and Doritos knowing that I cant stop eating them till they are gone! Its fear talk to him.and stick to doing what is best for your health.

christina0089

I agree there is a root to his worries. At one point in time I lost 100 plus pounds. My ex husband used to get a bit upset because he felt like he was in competition all over again because I would get hit on so often and he didnt like it. He also couldnt keep up with me because I was non stop GO GO GO ..Sometimes it is there own self conciousness that makes them leary of your success. So talk to him find out where hes coming from, it may not be that hes unsuportive of you but just insecure in how the new you is going to affect his comfort zone in some areas..

golferd

Most vows say sickness and health

sculley

Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!

I had that situation with my ex but he was actually cheating which is why he was like that. WHICH I AM SURE THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE.....;0 maybe he thinks he is being sweet by reassuring you that he likes you just the way you are... I know with my husband he is supportive of my weight loss but never fails to tell me how sexy i am to him.

pilotdrew

Speaking from the male point of view...it's possible that, like others mentioned, he worried you might be getting "out of his league" OR it could also be that if he isn't in great shape he is feeling down about the fact that you are getting smaller and he is not. Maybe try to get him involved in MFP also so it's something you can do together and share your experience. My fiance, who doesn't need to lose any weight, started this at the same time as me and it was a big help to get me motivated. I'm down 9 lbs in 5 weeks. Good luck!

littttlelaurra

I tried to lose weight for years, my husband now ex at the time was not supportive and was down right mean about it, taunting me that I would fail, the day he knew I started any diet and for the next few weeks if I stuck it out, he would bring home brownies, bake them, tollhouse cookies, bake those, bring home pizza, wings, leave candy bars on my laptop, have chips and junk more so than ever before I began and was miserable at the idea of me losing weight. We are not married any more, lol so hope yours doesnt end up at that extreme.

I cant explain it, other than insecurity or control. I was thin when I married him a size 3, 100 lbs and then gained rapidly after that. He always said he hated fat women and was disgusted by them to the point of physically grabbing me by the neck and shoving his fingers in my mouth one time to pull a cookie I had just starting to eat out of my mouth and stating "there dont ever claim I didnt help you to lose weight" talk about an A-hole, then would proceed to be sadistic in his assault on my diets every time I would really try to be good it was like living with an enemy.

I wish you all the best and pray you never have to go through what I did, my ex H would claim he wanted me healthy and thin but really he didnt because he knew I would leave him and see him for the jerk he was. Left him but sadly havent lost the weight yet, I am working on that!

Also he did all this even when I begged him to please stop, because I was an uncontrolled diabetic and was literally fighting for my life, asked him if he wanted the mother of his child dead, to which I never got a response. Good Luck to you!

dls06

Maybe your spouses think if you are changing on the outside you might be changing on the inside. It could be he's afraid you will get healthy and leave him so he is sabotaging you to keep you. Let him know you are doing this to get healthy and try to get him to join you.

cathys01

This is a hard one. I lost about 75 lbs over 5 years ago and my husband was not happy about it and the same thing, he had a hard time adjusting. Eventually I realized he just needed reassurance that I was not changing on the inside just the outside and once he knew that for sure he calmed down. I since gained back 20 of those lbs and that is why I am here and I also never did make it to the final 20 lbs to goal and I would like to do it this time and I have told him this and he knows it this time. It is hard when our significant others are hampering our progress but we must, must continue to do what is best for us, for our health and what we know is best for us. And my husband knows in the end my losing the weight was the best thing for me to do and he is now so proud of me, after all the nonsense.

LeeKetty1176

have you read the book

Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?

Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.

I suggest you face this.

you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.

so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.

crazymama2two

have you read the book

Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?

Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.

I suggest you face this.

you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.

so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

and the SOONER the better!!! and dont cry, dont get mad, dont sound defensive or anything else - stay as neutral and as true to yourself as possible. when we get upset, THEY get upset. maybe he didnt realize what a a-hole he was/is being...cause men, most, truly dont even realize it - and this goes for women too, but im just saying. *hugs* youre doing fantastic!! keep up the hard work and face this problem head on. he loves you. i think he's insecure. get it out in the open and fast! youve got a lot of years to show him how awesome you are!

LeeKetty1176

have you read the book

Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?

Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.

I suggest you face this.

you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.

so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

and the SOONER the better!!! and dont cry, dont get mad, dont sound defensive or anything else - stay as neutral and as true to yourself as possible. when we get upset, THEY get upset. maybe he didnt realize what a a-hole he was/is being...cause men, most, truly dont even realize it - and this goes for women too, but im just saying. *hugs* youre doing fantastic!! keep up the hard work and face this problem head on. he loves you. i think he's insecure. get it out in the open and fast! youve got a lot of years to show him how awesome you are!

we are but simple men....... I bet he really does not even know what he has done.

JulsDiane

I tend to agree with Lee on this one......men won't talk about what's really behind the behavior or the words because they do think it's just that simple. They are just as insecure as we are though and if we start to change things on them it triggers new emotions most don't care to deal with Talk to him; don't argue, blame, accuse and LISTEN.

Good luck!

georgiajuly

I looked at your profile, and your goals are extremely reasonable, unless you are taller than average. It is certainly reasonable to work on the relationship issues, but the crucial thing is, you are doing the right thing for you. Your husband's insistence that you fail to improve your health in order to keep his approval is not worthy of consideration. Have the confidence to do what' you know to be right, serenely.

chancie72

Could just be insecurity. My husband keeps telling me I'm gonna lose the weight- be skinny and sexy-and leave him for a "hotter" guy. Just assure him you will still be the same person you always was!!