IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME PART 2- WITH DISCLAIMER

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  • tross0924
    tross0924 Posts: 909 Member
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    If you really knew me you'd know . . .

    I can't read half the posts in this thread without crying and feeling extremely violent toward the perpetrators of abuse.
    When I break a wishbone I always wish that the other person's wish will come true.
    When I see myself in the mirror I only see how far I've got left to go.
  • ruffledviolet
    ruffledviolet Posts: 260
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    When I break a wishbone I always wish that the other person's wish will come true.

    That's really sweet. I'm going to do the same from now on. Except I don't really get my hands on that many wishbones being a vegetarian.
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
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    if you really knew me,
    you would know that i struggled with an eating disorter in my past
    and ive gone through in patient.
    my first relationship was an abusive one metaly and physicly
    at the age of 15
    it disgusts me
    and i feel like i let god down...
    if you really knew me
    you would know my mom used to let my brothers eat all the time and i would get a glass of water because i was a chubby kid
    i remember sneeking out to the fridge at night but getting caught right before i got something to eat.
    if you knew me
    you would know that weighing zero pounds wouldnt be thin enough
    if you really knew me,
    you would know that i hate that my mom weighs less than me
    and i hate that she makes it clear that she is
    if you really knew me
    you would know that i analize every oz of food that goes into my mouth, but i cant stop even if i want to..
    i sabotoge myself a lot
    if you really knew me,
    you would know that i hate some parts of me that i have become and horrible things that i have done.

    you would know that every boyfriend ive had in the past has cheated one me
    and im not proud of the fact that i always get even.
    you would know that i cry almost every day, but i dont know how to get help. i can barly pay for anything as it is yet alone more medication.
    you would know that im terrified of loosing my boyfriend now even though he is amazing.
    you would know that i feel so alone after being by myself for less than 2 hrs. i cant be alone thats when bad things happen
    you would know that ive acted like an adult after the age of 16, ive lived in my car, and i know how to take care of myself
    you would know that i just want to be loved.
  • bexxw
    bexxw Posts: 44 Member
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    I don't have a dark secret or horrible tragic past. I am fat because my mother put me on the diets she was on even though (looking back at the pictures) I was actually thin - so I ate as much as I could when I was away from her - not the best relationship to have with food. It has taken me a long time to deal with the fact that her food issues turned into my food issues.

    My mom did the same and I have hated myself since I was 10 if not younger. I binge to rebel, and if you really knew me you would know I am terrified that I will never stop hating myself and if I ever have children I will pass this pain and self-loathing onto them and that thought freezes me with fear!
  • francinecowart
    francinecowart Posts: 84
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    wow i do the same thing...use sense of humor to get by....if u knew me you would know i had a very tragic past...but i was raised to not cry..thanks for that dad, and thank you for letting me know i can cry...
  • aryaw
    aryaw Posts: 36 Member
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    If you really knew me you know I want to post here but am too afraid to do it for fear my family would know my fears and insecurities.
  • timeforme23
    timeforme23 Posts: 461
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    Bump in case I find the courage later
  • kristarablue
    kristarablue Posts: 707
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    Ok...breath....so... If you really knew me:

    First I am in awe of all the courageous people that have posted here, you truly are amazing

    1. You would know that every time someone tells me I look great I can't just say thank you, I have to say, "well I have so much farther to go" and I makes me feel awful because all I can see is the fat, ugly girl in the mirror that does not deserve to be told she is beautiful

    2. I smile through everything. My husband left the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital and I put on a good face, no one knew in my family or friends for over a month because I was so ashamed. I must have been an awful wife for someone to do that, so it must have been all of my fault. So I smiled and was upbeat, I felt dead inside, but the smile was on my face.

    3. You would know that I am blessed because I am surrounded by truly amazing people, not only the wonderful souls on MFP but in my day to day life I am surrounded by love and caring, I do not know what I have done to deserve so many truly amazing wonderful people in my life.

    4. You would know that I could not possibly share what I want to because it is simply too painful for me to discuss at this point in my life.
  • aliciadjackson
    aliciadjackson Posts: 480 Member
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    If you really knew me you'd know....
    - I will literally put others before me and do anything I can to help someone 99% of the time
    - That though I'm typically upbeat, positive, optimistic, there was a time in my life (a few years ago) that I struggled to even smile some days..because at the time I felt my world was ending... but now looking back I realize my life was truly beginning .
    - I hadn't spoken to my biological father in close to ten years, until he sent me a facebook request a couple months ago
    - though I've been hurt and have had my share of painful relationships I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart and truly believe in happy endings.
    - I count my blessing every day that I have such great people in my life

    And if you really really knew me, I bet you'd smile!
  • Namaste1983
    Namaste1983 Posts: 603 Member
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    :flowerforyou:

    If you really knew me, you'd know that every trauma, decision, mistake and experience I've had thus far has shaped me into the person I am now. You'd know that I show strength and humor to everyone and vulnerability to very few. You'd know that I smile with my whole being, I laugh loud and I find as much joy in the simple things as I can. Daily.
    I HEART YOU :)
  • Namaste1983
    Namaste1983 Posts: 603 Member
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    If you really knew me you would know i was 430 pounds at 17. I had the gastric bypass at 17 and was down to 290 by my 18th birthday. A month after i turned 18 i was invited to my first party by a guy i met over a phone chat line. I was raped that night and didnt tell anyone for weeks. I began binge eating and over the course of a year i stretched out my stomach and had reached 360 pounds.I stayed between 360-380 for years. I let what happen to me defne who i was and how i treated myself. It took therapy and an honest look at myself before i saw that what happens to us does not define who we are. May 9th 2009 i started to make small changes and began to work at losing the weight on my own through diet and exercise. All together I have lost 222 pounds and I am so close to my goal. I just never know what to say when people ask me how i lost it all.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
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    If you really knew me you would know that I HATE to smile! I am so ashamed of my teeth...mainly due to an ED I had during puberty. The enamel is practically gone and I've already had 4 root canals, need two more, and need 3 crowns...and I'm only 26.

    If you knew me you would know that while I love my daughter I despise the 'leftover' body I have from being pregnant. The stretchmarks and saggy skin are horrible! I'm not talking a few marks...I'm talking there is not an inch of skin on my stomach that is not heavily creased with them.

    If you really knew me you would know that I am recently divorced from a man who was mentally, emotionally, verbally, and somewhat physically abusive. Being called a fat b*tch on a daily basis and only weighing 90 pounds has truly ruined what selfesteem I had. I have a total lack of trust in men because of this.

    If you really knew me you would know that I try to put on a brave front and be happy go lucky when inside I feel like I am drowning. I try to always make others feel happy and feel better about themselves even if I get hurt in the process. I am trusting and try to see the best in others.

    If you really knew me you would know that I relate better to animals than to other human beings because animals don't judge based on apperiances but on love and kindness.

    If you really knew me you would know that my love of books stems from watching Beauty and the Beast as a child and I have always wanted Belle's life...trusting yet fearless, loving no matter what, and being true to yourself and sticking up for what's right.

    God bless you all for posting your stories...very inspiring!
  • nurse_christieyne
    nurse_christieyne Posts: 231
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    Bump for later... when I have time.
  • Kityngirl
    Kityngirl Posts: 14,332 Member
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    I HEART YOU :)
    :blushing: :flowerforyou:
  • Namaste1983
    Namaste1983 Posts: 603 Member
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    Ok...breath....so... If you really knew me:

    First I am in awe of all the courageous people that have posted here, you truly are amazing

    1. You would know that every time someone tells me I look great I can't just say thank you, I have to say, "well I have so much farther to go" and I makes me feel awful because all I can see is the fat, ugly girl in the mirror that does not deserve to be told she is beautiful

    Ditto... The more I look at current pictures and the more i look in the mirror the more i recognize myself. I has taken me the last 6 months to actually recognize myself in photos quickly. Strange but understandable, I even stopped doing the angled picture thing i used to do.
  • MissingMinnesota
    MissingMinnesota Posts: 7,486 Member
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    If you really knew me you would know I am a 34 year old virgin. I have never allowed myself to trust a guy enough to have sex with him and it now blocks me from even thinking about having a true realtionship with a guy as I think he would think I am a freak.
  • SandersWifey
    SandersWifey Posts: 387
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    If you really knew me then you would know that-
    -I'm not as strong as I pretend to be
    -I'm scared to death of my husbands upcoming deployment
    -I am so insecure about myself
    -Even though I pretend I don't..I worry all the time what other people are thinking or saying about me
    -I have always felt that I am not good enough for anything/anyone
  • faithgin
    faithgin Posts: 32
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    If you know me you would know I don't remember the first 10 yrs. of my life. I don't know how to talk to people and make friends. I have been on anti-depressants since January. My life was changed forever last July when my oldest brother committed suicide and we didn't know anything was wrong. Every 15 minutes someone commits suicide and every 16 minutes someone is left behind trying to make sense of what happened.
  • paintmelucky
    paintmelucky Posts: 97
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    HA!! HAHA of **** it...if you knew me or hell even seen me right now you would know that I am laying in a hospital bed as we speak because my sister married a horrible pos who got drunk and beat the **** out of me...and you would know that I have tried with everything I have in me to be a strong woman and hold on to the idea pf VIRGINITY after being raped...and now a third time!?! No if you knew me then you would know that I am so angry and tired of this life and this pain....

    If you knew me...you wouldn't even recognize me right now...so all these horrible things that have happened to you all and myself...I'm sorry...but I just cannot be strong anymore....I just cant....and for those of you who are going to pm me saying "how could you post so soon...or I am trying to get attention"go f-u-c-k yourself...this is the only family I have!
  • sarina87
    sarina87 Posts: 400 Member
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    If you really knew me

    - you would know that i am scared to death of being alone. I grew up with learning disabilities into a family that had no history of it or funds to help it. I was confused and alone with my thoughts for 15 years. I couldn't understand even half the stuff my family and teachers told me and i was truly in the dark and alone. This made food my only friend. My family didn't even like me and don't even get me started on public school kids. Thats a nightmare all of its own. And the sad part was that i wasn't even an obese child, i was chunky. But my family definately treated me as an obese child who was dumb and they always rememberd to hide the cake and count my portions and point them out to me. Everyone was alowed to have seconds but not me.

    -You would know my first love had the same issue and his family put him on drugs that he relapsed on everyday during H.S. He cried every week in the school basement with me and then he would verbally hurt me and was physical as well but i understood deep down his pain and i knew it was the drugs. At age 15 he had half a bookbag of medicine all perscribed to him.

    -You would know that i had a miscarriage at 14 and that my boyfriends mother wanted me to abort my child before the miscarriage happened. I hated her and i knew i was young, but he was bound to be born and she was high off her butt to think i would kill my own kid. i was planning adoption just because i knew i couldn't help my child, i couldn't even take care of myself. But fate intervened, and my Ex's mother kissed me on the head after my miscarriage and then the next day called me a skank and almost ran me over with her car.

    -You would know that i had a dream to be a big singer and was praised threw my neighborhood and was funded to go to NYC to be on broadway. I failed and had to come home and tell everybody who believed in me and spent money on me that i failed. I still am ashamed to this day.

    -You would know that i found the true love of my life 4 years ago in the darkest year of my life. He came out of nowhere and changed my life. He has the patience to deal with my disability and he teaches me the basic knowledge i should have gotten from school without laughing at me. He loves me and thinks i'm beautiful even before we lost weight together. But he is 20 years older than me and the reality is that he is going to die and i am going to be left here alone for the remainder of my life. Time is cruel and i hate it. This scares me the most.


    Regardless of all this bad stuff that has happened to me in my life. I find ways to make myself happy. I love riding my bike, i love to go out and sing some karaoke. I love to sit at home and snuggle and watch T.V. I also love that since i have gotten older that my disabilities have almost completely reversed. I can actually hold a conversation now and understand most stuff. I can read a novel. There is still room for lots of improvement and there always will be. There is also money issues i have to work out. But my life use to be really bad and its not like that anymore and i have acheived so much in the last 2 years. I've kept 60 pounds off and have gotten a job that i am doing well in finally. i feel as if i have some control in my life and i actually know what needs to be fixed. I think everyone just needs to keep moving forward because there is no point to go back and remember the bad stuff that haunts us. My new goal is to lose 15 pounds by my birthday on august 29 and to get a second job or possibly a full time job. Everyone needs goals to work on because when you achieve them, it truly is heaven and some of those bad feelings and insecurites start to fade. I have felt it myself.

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