husband complaint

saldridge

So many of those comments are ridiculous and while they are meant to be supportive, they are not.

Smack the *kitten* out of him, really? How about the other way round, a woman calls her husband a fat slob, should he also smack the *kitten* out of her?

The OP is married, with children and while the things her husband is telling her are mean and unkind, I find it horrible that people immediately suggest to ditch him and kick his *kitten* to the curb, and suggest physical violence. What has he actually said to you, verbatim? Did he look at you and say to you "You are fat and gross!" and "I am embarrassed to be seen with you!"? Or is that something you THINK he thinks, and maybe an assumed feeling you extrapolate from your own insecurity?

I believe you should try and get together with him and ask him about why he is shy about paying you compliments when alcohol reveals that he is thinking this way. Some people are not brought up to compliment others, but they can learn it. Tell him how it may affect your daughters, if they also feel that their Dad doesn't "like" their Mom.
Tell him that his support is important to you, that it actually can help you reach your goal (and what he likes to see from you too) easier and earlier. Show him the kindness that you are hoping to get from him, instead of all the hateful things people have said about him here. People learn by example, and yes - that even works for a grown man!

Only if you think that this relationship is not worth saving on any level and that you AND your kids are better off without him should you consider leaving -- not because of some careless words, even if they were hurtful.

yumyum613

I used to have someone in my life who treated me that way. We would go out to eat and when I'd order dessert, he'd say, "are you sure you should be eating that?" I felt like pummeling him. Well, 10 years after dumping that idiot, I have a man who thinks that the extra poundage I have is sexy! Our very first date, he told me that dessert is the essential ending to any good meal. I knew I loved him immediately. I'm 80 lbs. overweight and my bf still thinks I'm sexy. There are good men out there, but they're hard to find sometimes.

Keep it up and do what YOU feel that you need to do. Don't depend on a man for your happiness or your self-esteem. Get it from within (and this site) and continue the good work!

kirstiey

Hey come on people. It's a bit full on to tell someone to leave their husband! And I am sure it makes her feel a whole lot better knowing how fabulous your husbands are (I am sure they are lovely and I am genuinely relieved to hear so many of you have wonderful partners) !

I think there is some truth in the whole reverse psychology thing. Some people are just a bit tactless. Also if you speak / think about yourself in a certain way, others think it's OK to think / talk that way about you too. First you have got to love yourself.

He does love you, he wants you to look good because he knows that's what makes you feel good, which in tern probably gives you a better relationship as you are more confident.

I also agree with the other comment. Maybe he feels if you lose weight and become more confident you might look elsewhere. He may be feeling insecure. That way he picks on the thing that bugs you most to make you less likely to stray. However, the alcohol gives him the confidence to say how he really feels, which is that he has noticed you taking care of yourself and he likes it.

You need to lose the weight to feel good about yourself, not to gain compliments from hubby. If, once you have lost the weight, he is still an *kitten*, maybe he needs its time to consider a bit of cognitive therapy for him!

Either way, focus on yourself and getting fit an healthy.

sculptandtone

Otherwise healthy? Are you serious? "Conflict" that children need to see and udnerstand does not include Daddy calling Mommy fat and gross and then getting a little amorous when he's hammered. Seriously, I don't know what your version of "otherwise healthy" is, but I think it's fair to say, this is NOT a healthy environment. Period.

carlfry

Uhm, conflict doesn't include calling each other horrible names. "You're a fat slob and I'm embarrassed to be seen with you." just completely blows my mind away. There is no conflict there. He is an a**hole. Plain and simple. And FYI - if I called my Fiance a nasty fat slob and told him I didn't ever want to be seen with him, I'd HOPE he'd leave my *kitten* so quick I wouldn't have time to blink.

supercatie18

It doesn't matter if its 'reverse psychology' or 'Man talk' or whatever you want to label it... it is WRONG!! He knows it, and you know it, but just ignore him. I am 5'2 and would LOVE to be 135 and I haven't even had kids! He must be in pretty darn good shape to be so harsh on you!

TNH76

My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!

Agreed, but walking out of an otherwise healthy relationship (if it is) is not great role modeling either. Children need to see conflict and need to see appropriate and healthy ways to deal with it. These are life skills that they will use for the rest of their lives. Your children should see that you are strong as a couple and that you will make every healthy attempt to overcome issues.

With that said, maybe he was listening to your complaint and internalized it. Alcohol fuels emotions so he was prob really just loving you and wanted to show it.

I would not mention the fact that he compliments you only when intoxicated. Instead I would be more proactive. I would say "Honey, you know when you complimented me the other day? It made me feel really good and it motivates me to keep pushing harder. Thank you." It will acknowledge what he said, how it benefited you, and open the door to say those kinds of things when he is sober (it may be difficult for him to do until he becomes more comfortable with complimenting you). Then compliment him every once in a while, and you kids. Make it a family effort to encourage each other.

Don't forget to take the compliment and enjoy it. You have earned it.

This was a great response!

kimber607

It sounds like he is horribly insecure and being down right cruel and hurtful
I can't imagine a man ever talking to his wife or someone he cared about in that manner
I think u need a serious one on one with him and explain exactly how what he does or says makes u feel...maybe consider counseling....regardless of your weight YOU need to build your self-esteem......

SommerJo

So many of those comments are ridiculous and while they are meant to be supportive, they are not.

Smack the *kitten* out of him, really? How about the other way round, a woman calls her husband a fat slob, should he also smack the *kitten* out of her?

The OP is married, with children and while the things her husband is telling her are mean and unkind, I find it horrible that people immediately suggest to ditch him and kick his *kitten* to the curb, and suggest physical violence. What has he actually said to you, verbatim? Did he look at you and say to you "You are fat and gross!" and "I am embarrassed to be seen with you!"? Or is that something you THINK he thinks, and maybe an assumed feeling you extrapolate from your own insecurity?

I believe you should try and get together with him and ask him about why he is shy about paying you compliments when alcohol reveals that he is thinking this way. Some people are not brought up to compliment others, but they can learn it. Tell him how it may affect your daughters, if they also feel that their Dad doesn't "like" their Mom.
Tell him that his support is important to you, that it actually can help you reach your goal (and what he likes to see from you too) easier and earlier. Show him the kindness that you are hoping to get from him, instead of all the hateful things people have said about him here. People learn by example, and yes - that even works for a grown man!

Only if you think that this relationship is not worth saving on any level and that you AND your kids are better off without him should you consider leaving -- not because of some careless words, even if they were hurtful.

it's a pattern of behavior not an off hand comment. He's not pointing out -- "hey honey -- you've gained some weight and I'm worried about your health". The words she used were "fat" and "gross" and embarrassed to be seen with you". And what a skewed perception -- she gained some weight having HIS kids. We're not talking about years of self neglect here.

It's one thing if he "just doesn't know how to compliment her" -- but he's on the other end of the spectrum. He's insulting her -- that's verbal abuse -- a form of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Maybe advocating physical violence isn't the rainbow and roses way to solve this issue -- but the point everyone's trying to make is she deserves better. Based on her description of the situation the man is an *kitten*. He's abusive. You don't change that type of behavior without a wake up call -- a dose of reality.

Speaking as a former counselor who worked with victims and abusers. Abusers are slick -- paint a real nice picture for everyone around you -- but make sure you convince the victim that they are worthless. Convince them that there's no where else to go -- that your only option is to put up with the abuse. I think the majority of responses here are just trying to say that's not the case. She and her children deserve better than that!!!

LisaKyle11

Sounds like you need to ditch the husband. If my husband ever talked that way to me...under any circumstance, he would be gone. I have daughters. A man who is willing to degrade his wife or any woman, for that matter, belongs some place dark and alone. If someone talked to your daughter that way, you would be searching for physical restraint. Period. So why would you allow someone to talk to you that way? .....

As a woman and mother of daughters as well.... i agree!! he should not be disrespecting you. you look good 'and should keep it up'....? don't even get me started.

tolygal

Because I am your MFP friend, I have seen other posts from you regarding your husband. You have spoken in previous posts about the physical and mental abuse you suffer from your husband. I've replied before, and I"ve PM'd you, but I haven't seen you respond. So I don't know really what's going on, but I do want to tell you again that I am concerned for you and I think of you often. I just don't know what else to say to you or how to help. As far as the drunk thing - maybe he's just not able to compliment you sober - but how sad is that!!!!

For whatever reasons I cannot understand, you are choosing to stay with him and to subject yourself and your children to a life like this. So I can only assume that everything is not all bad. Maybe he's really wonderful and you are just very sensitive? Or maybe they really are that bad and you just don't know how to leave or what you would do "without him." I don't really know - but I think you need more help than what you can get here (not that you shouldn't reach out here - I just think you need professional help also).

I don't really know what else to say since I agree with everyone who suggested that you leave him. There are some who replied that are more open minded, but since I've seen your other posts, I'm not inclined to agree for the most part - although there were some very helpful posts in here. I mostly wanted to just tell you again that I'm concerned for you and that I'm thinking about you and I wish you only the very very best!

Sarahr73

Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls.

Yup, I feel the same way. Even though my fiance has put on a little weight, and I would like to see it gone, I would never say hurtful things to him. That's just disrespectful and wrong in my opinion.

AshDHart

I hope you can work this out but you need to tell him that those are hurtful words and you need support and love. If he won't listen then go to counselling even if just for yourself. I left my first husband when he refused to change and I realized I deserved better. Best to you and your family! :flowerforyou:

Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls. And I AM fat and gross....but he tells me how beautiful I am almost every day.

^This! Our husbands could be be twins. :flowerforyou:

jonikeffer

The first thing I thought when you asked that (why he only says it when he's drunk, because drunk is when you're honest) is that he's afraid. If he convinces you that you're unattractive and fat, you won't leave him, thinking you are lucky to have him in the first place. When he's drunk, the truth comes out that he thinks you look good. That's not particularly healthy, and not nice, but he may feel nervous that you'd leave him if you had a good sense of self-worth.

Edit - after reading more of the comments, it sounds clear that he is degrading you in many ways to prevent you from leaving him. This isn't a healthy relationship and you deserve better. I can't say leave him or not, but his pattern of behavior is not a good one.

AZackery

Vbrach15, you said that you are 135 pounds. That is a good weight. You don't need to lose any more weight. I don't care what anyone else tells you. Just because you are 5ft2, you don't have to be the height/weight chart's weight. I'm 5ft1 and a height/weight chart, I should be 101 pounds. I don't think so. I would be anorexic.

Your husband is wrong for the way he puts you down. I could be wrong, but I doubt your husband is Mr. GQ. He probably have gained some weight as well. I've noticed that a lot of men that have a beer belly or even love handles, tend to put their wives down.

If he really loved you, he wouldn't hurt you and yes, words can hurt.

TAWoody

I'll post something I should have started years ago and never thought about it. Go to marriage counseling!! A lot of companies actually offer it as a part of the employee benefits package like mine. Or you can go through churches. My ex-wife had made up her mind that she was leaving me but never talked to me about it until she completely made up her mind. We went to a few counseling sessions at the end of our marriage and she said things in there that I never knew! Your husband and you will probably reveal some similar things that can definitely help any marriage. Now my ex and I are trying to get back together and realize how important something like this is. Not every couple is actually open and honest in both directions REGARDLESS if they say they are. I swear to go to this type of counseling at least once a year for the rest of any marriage because it helps both people's minds.

zeeeb

that is a horrible thing to say about someone (that they are fat and gross). even when i was particularly fat and gross, my partner tried to sugar coat it a bit and tell me in a supportive way that i needed to lose weight (and that even still hurt). In the end he just knuckled down, and changed his life to inspire me to change my life, it worked a treat. he got hotter, and inspired me to get hotter.

that's terrible. i'd sit him down and ask him why he is so unsupportive of you? and tell him that he could easily turn his attitude and inspire and encourage you, which would make the progress alot faster and more positive all round. if you have people there on your team, you have more hope to succeed!

Swimgoddess

I also agree with the other comment. Maybe he feels if you lose weight and become more confident you might look elsewhere. He may be feeling insecure. That way he picks on the thing that bugs you most to make you less likely to stray. However, the alcohol gives him the confidence to say how he really feels,

EXACTLY. The guy is scared to death you'll wake up and realize you'd be better off without him! In a way, it's self-sabotage for him though too. My hubby isn't the best with compliments either; so yeah, it makes my effin day when a better looking man eye-rapes me in the grocery store, or I notice that the hunk at the gym with the white headphones seems to always be on adjacent equipment, or one of my hubby's drunk SF buddies says as innocently as possible that I'm really hot while we're throwing a house party. Don't get me wrong, hubby still gets to reap all the benefits of the resulting upbeat confident frisky mood I find myself in after, but he isn't downright verbally abusive either.

Considering what your MFP buddy posted earlier about this being a constant downward spiral, yeah, I'd say get you and for GODSSAKES your kids the hell out of that situation, or make the counselling ultimatum (yeah, my hubs is a fully reformed "wife beater"; complicated by us both being combat instructors - only I refused to react in any way that couldn't be only explained as defensive. Counseling, filing a report with a non-reporting agency who could formally file at any time I asked and him now having a job that would go buh-bye if he ever did it again stopped it in it's tracks in 2007.) Sweetheart, you don't need to wait until you're at your goal weight to leave him and have hope of a much healthier relationship if that's what you're waiting for. You don't have to do it alone either; there are agencies out there who will help you with all the necessary steps/paperwork, especially if he's verbally abusive to you or in front of the kids (which is child abuse, and if you aren't planning on reporting it makes you JUST as guilty)

bluefox9er

Perhaps he's being mean because you want to make a positive change in your life and he doesn't have the discipline to do that for himself.

You might not get support or compliments from your husband for whatever reasons we are really in no position to either judge him by, but I will say that being active in this community you will have a TON of support from some of the nicest people on earth and we will GIVE you the compliments you richly deserve. you are a mom and you will be an inspiration to them by choosing alifestyle that will imporve their lives as well as your own...something that alcohol can never ever do.

be strong, and get involved with the wonderful people on mfp!!!!!

barbarajean3

Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls. And I AM fat and gross....but he tells me how beautiful I am almost every day.

Diddo!:laugh:

fanatheart

I'm the last one to give relationship advice. So, I'll stick to the weight side of things... and your own self-esteem, which is very important to weight loss.

If your husband's opinion is important to you (and it likely is) then try to listen to what he says more than what you hear. Sometimes, evidence is helpful, so keep a journal. Do this for a month. Then count up the number of nice, so-so and not-so-nice things and talk to him about them.

I always heard the negative - and discounted the positive - when I was talking to others about sensitive issues. I'm not saying you're doing that -- but some objectivity can be helpful. (that's what the journal's for).

If he's a good partner, then if you can approach this more factually and ask him for support rather than emotionally "you're mean" you might get farther.

Immaskinnycow

It is so easy to sit back on the other side of the PC screen and type...if that happened to me, I would do this, this, this and that. No questions asked. It's not ture. If you have never been in that type of situation, you truly have NO clue how you would react or what you would or wouldn't do.

Diet and lose the weight for you. Sounds like your husband isn't the greatest communicator, talk to him, not AT him, but to him. You also need to LISTEN to what is really being said. Best of luck to you, keep up the good work!!!

sbwood888

If my husband told me that he was ashamed to be seen with me, I would be sure that he never had that problem again..............I would rather be alone that to be with someone who caused me pain. Hugs.

Jhosetta

Value yourself and don't allow anyone to disrespect you not even the hubby. I definately won't tell you to leave your husband, you took vows so you need to work on the relationship. Some people are rude and disrespectfull because they have issues within themselves or that is how they were treated growing up. You need to talk to your husband (sober) and tell him exactly how you feel in a non threatening manor be open and honest and I'm sure this is something you guys can put behind you!

shallo

The first thing I thought when you asked that (why he only says it when he's drunk, because drunk is when you're honest) is that he's afraid. If he convinces you that you're unattractive and fat, you won't leave him, thinking you are lucky to have him in the first place.

This was my ex-husband exactly. Then as soon as his "dream woman" would give him the time of day he kicked me out of a 10 year marriage for her. The funny thing is she is bigger than I ever was when I was with him.
She can have the as$..I found someone way more supportive, and better looking..so the jokes on him.

Cherilea

Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls. And I AM fat and gross....but he tells me how beautiful I am almost every day.

My hubby and I have been together for 25 yrs, and through those 25 yrs, he has watched my weight go up and down. I was always skinny...when we dated I was 97 lbs (Im 5'8") . I joined here at 177 lbs. NEVER, EVER once has he belittled me at any point of our lives together. He too tells me Im beautiful several times a day. One day I was in tears over the fact that my tummy was stretched and flabby and no longer flat. He said, "over the years your tummy area was home to 4 wonderful boys and that is what makes it beautiful." That meant more to me than anything else!

It's sad to me to see men treat woman (and vice versa) w/so much disrespect and hurtfulness, especially when there are kids involved. You are, you both are, their examples in this world. What they learn and see from you is what they will take with them as they get older. Someone once said to me, "God has given you the awesome gift of raising 4 future husbands." To this day those words have great impact on me and have greatly affected the way we have raised our boys. So maybe the first thing that needs to be done is for you and your husband to sit down and have a real heart to heart. Get some answers. Talk, don't yell. Keep your voices calm. Tell him how much it hurts to hear those words. And frankly, a compliment from someone who is drunk is not a compliment at all.

If you lose weight..do it for YOU! Do it for your kids.

greekmama30

I looked at your profile and your pictures and you are beautiful, and you really do have a great body- i can def. relate to wanting to lose weight to feel better tho bc I am there. I also am 5'2 and weigh around what you do. I honestly believe that your husband maybe takes really low blows just to hurt you most. My guess is he knows how much you really are working hard on loseing weight and knows that is one of the things that he can say to cut you the deepest. I am certain he really does not actually mean what he is saying. Even tho it is so hurtful and sticks in your mind. Hear it enough and you'll probably start thinking that way when you look in the mirror. Either in the heat of the moment he is just trying to hurt you, or he feels a little insecure because of how you look, i think you guys need to have a sit down serious talk about what's going on. Marriage is hard work, and i don't think in the vows it says for better or worse for no reason. Good luck and I hope you two can get the love and peace back in your marriage. Meanwhile, try to find at least one person, family member, friend, coworker, that can be a good support system for you and help encourage you

Blr31977

Terrible! I'm sure you look great.. I wish I can be 135-140... It sounds like your husband needs a reality check. No offense but you should never allow anyone to belittle you. You should focus on loosing weight to feel better for you if thats what you want. It sounds like you don't feel to pretty these days thanks to him... Dress up, do your hair and have a glass of wine love.. boost your confidence cause it's clear he he doesn't comprehend the work, sacrifice and dedication you put into your marriage and being a mother.. You're the mother of his children what the hell is wrong with him??.

pittielover23

My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!

THIS. That is verbal and emotional abuse and it is NOT OK. No one deserves to be called names by their partner. Do NOT make excuses for him. It does not matter if you gained 400lbs since marriage. Saying he is embarrased of you and that you are gross is completely unexcusable.

Has he ever been physical with you? Because I see some SERIOUS red flags in your post and I am worried about you.

pittielover23

So many of those comments are ridiculous and while they are meant to be supportive, they are not.

Smack the *kitten* out of him, really? How about the other way round, a woman calls her husband a fat slob, should he also smack the *kitten* out of her?

The OP is married, with children and while the things her husband is telling her are mean and unkind, I find it horrible that people immediately suggest to ditch him and kick his *kitten* to the curb, and suggest physical violence. What has he actually said to you, verbatim? Did he look at you and say to you "You are fat and gross!" and "I am embarrassed to be seen with you!"? Or is that something you THINK he thinks, and maybe an assumed feeling you extrapolate from your own insecurity?

I believe you should try and get together with him and ask him about why he is shy about paying you compliments when alcohol reveals that he is thinking this way. Some people are not brought up to compliment others, but they can learn it. Tell him how it may affect your daughters, if they also feel that their Dad doesn't "like" their Mom.
Tell him that his support is important to you, that it actually can help you reach your goal (and what he likes to see from you too) easier and earlier. Show him the kindness that you are hoping to get from him, instead of all the hateful things people have said about him here. People learn by example, and yes - that even works for a grown man!

Only if you think that this relationship is not worth saving on any level and that you AND your kids are better off without him should you consider leaving -- not because of some careless words, even if they were hurtful.

Sorry, but I take abuse seriously, and I do not think that anyone, male or female, should stay in an abusive relationship. Which is exactly what this is. These are not some careless words, these are words meant to demean her and crush her confidence.
ETA: You should not have to teach your husband to be kind. He is a grown *kitten* man, and he knows exactly what he is doing. What you are telling her (just be nicer to him and he will change!) is exactly what you do not want to tell a woman in this kind of relationship.