husband complaint

sculptandtone

Because I am your MFP friend, I have seen other posts from you regarding your husband. You have spoken in previous posts about the physical and mental abuse you suffer from your husband. I've replied before, and I"ve PM'd you, but I haven't seen you respond. So I don't know really what's going on, but I do want to tell you again that I am concerned for you and I think of you often. I just don't know what else to say to you or how to help. As far as the drunk thing - maybe he's just not able to compliment you sober - but how sad is that!!!!

For whatever reasons I cannot understand, you are choosing to stay with him and to subject yourself and your children to a life like this. So I can only assume that everything is not all bad. Maybe he's really wonderful and you are just very sensitive? Or maybe they really are that bad and you just don't know how to leave or what you would do "without him." I don't really know - but I think you need more help than what you can get here (not that you shouldn't reach out here - I just think you need professional help also).

I don't really know what else to say since I agree with everyone who suggested that you leave him. There are some who replied that are more open minded, but since I've seen your other posts, I'm not inclined to agree for the most part - although there were some very helpful posts in here. I mostly wanted to just tell you again that I'm concerned for you and that I'm thinking about you and I wish you only the very very best!

Tonya,
Thank you for coming here and revealing what so many posters suspect. Calling someone fat and gross and saying you're embarassed to be seen with them is verbal abuse. It's no surprise that she is also reporting physical and psychological abuse, obviously fuelled by an alcohol problem.

I hope that every poster who has justified or downplayed his behaviour, made excuses, encouraged dialogue about his words etc. etc. is back here to read your post. There is NO excuse for what he is doing. And it is NOT an environment for her or her children. Period. The OP is in denial, but so are some of the posters who think they're helping by telling her anything other than get your butt out of that house as soon as possible. I fear she will leave her computer open and he will discover her confessions. I am hoping, hoping, hoping she is making her way to friends, family or a shelter.

adalton6

Wow! This honestly made me tear up! To have someone that is supposed to love you for better or worse to treat you so bad with his words! I am sure you look damn good at 135 and no way in hell gross and fat! If he continues to talk to you like that you are gonna start believing it. You need to sit him down and talk to him or beat the hell out of him. I weigh 228 now, my heaviest was 255 and my husband tells me i am sexy and has never once called me fat! He should be your number one support and cheer you on.!! The drunk talk I have come to realize is just an encouragement of what they wanna say but dont have the balls to when sober! Maybe he is threatened that if you do get down to where you were pre preg weight he will loose you! Good Luck!

CARNAT22

I was 134lb when I started this - not hugely overweight but a bit large for my 5ft 1in frame. About the same weight as you OP - now if anyone had the cheek to tell me I was fat and gross let alone the man I had married and borne children with I would have been asking myself serious questions as to why I had a person like that in my life.

I am incensed on your behalf OP!

However it sounds like this example of abuse has gone far beyond 'just' words and I know that sadly women in abusive relationships usually lack the mental strength and physical means of just "leaving" - because the abuser has designed it this way.

The abuser would have stolen the victims self respect and courage, the abuser probably controls the victim financially too - the victim begins to believe what she is told and views herself as being stuck in this awful position because the abuser has made it this way. The abuser wants to steal the victims strength, self respect, happiness, courage because they lack all these things themselves!

So for people here to say "just leave" - it really isn't that simple...

I know the OP didn't ask for relationship advice and I respect that......... BUT I would be totaly untrue to myself if I advised in any way shape, or form that her husbands behaviour was acceptable or excusable.

Blr31977

Because I am your MFP friend, I have seen other posts from you regarding your husband. You have spoken in previous posts about the physical and mental abuse you suffer from your husband. I've replied before, and I"ve PM'd you, but I haven't seen you respond. So I don't know really what's going on, but I do want to tell you again that I am concerned for you and I think of you often. I just don't know what else to say to you or how to help. As far as the drunk thing - maybe he's just not able to compliment you sober - but how sad is that!!!!

For whatever reasons I cannot understand, you are choosing to stay with him and to subject yourself and your children to a life like this. So I can only assume that everything is not all bad. Maybe he's really wonderful and you are just very sensitive? Or maybe they really are that bad and you just don't know how to leave or what you would do "without him." I don't really know - but I think you need more help than what you can get here (not that you shouldn't reach out here - I just think you need professional help also).

I don't really know what else to say since I agree with everyone who suggested that you leave him. There are some who replied that are more open minded, but since I've seen your other posts, I'm not inclined to agree for the most part - although there were some very helpful posts in here. I mostly wanted to just tell you again that I'm concerned for you and that I'm thinking about you and I wish you only the very very best!

Tonya,
Thank you for coming here and revealing what so many posters suspect. Calling someone fat and gross and saying you're embarassed to be seen with them is verbal abuse. It's no surprise that she is also reporting physical and psychological abuse, obviously fuelled by an alcohol problem.

I hope that every poster who has justified or downplayed his behaviour, made excuses, encouraged dialogue about his words etc. etc. is back here to read your post. There is NO excuse for what he is doing. And it is NOT an environment for her or her children. Period. The OP is in denial, but so are some of the posters who think they're helping by telling her anything other than get your butt out of that house as soon as possible. I fear she will leave her computer open and he will discover her confessions. I am hoping, hoping, hoping she is making her way to friends, family or a shelter.

Completely agree.. Good luck Hun.

phenrichs

do me a huge favor k? next time he says you fat or gross or that he's embarrassed to be seen with you smack the s*** out of him and tell him it's from me! he shouldn't be saying that anyway! and might i add, even though i haven't seen you (in pics or anything) but i'm 5'1" and my goal weight is 130 so absolutely NO ONE should be telling you that you need to lose weight. right now i'm 151 and no one thinks i need to lose weight so yeah seriously... tell him to STFU if nothing else.

You nailed it right there! If I ever said anything like that to my wife she would not hesitate to slap me and tell me that I am out of line. There are only 2 people that are allowed to tell you that you need to lose weight. Most important is yourself. The second would be a doctor. Anyone else telling us that deserves five across the cheek. I am sure that you are like me, far from gross but not happy with the way you look. No one has the right to control our self esteem except us. You hang in there and keep losing. You get fit and trim and sexy and then trade his nasty ole A in for a younger, hotter model.

mrsfeuer

I'm going to hold my tongue on the relationship advice only because you didn't ask for that (however, I agree with carlfry). I would guess that your husband probably has a pretty poor self-image and low self-esteem. He probably feels threatened by you.

THIS 100%

pittielover23

Because I am your MFP friend, I have seen other posts from you regarding your husband. You have spoken in previous posts about the physical and mental abuse you suffer from your husband. I've replied before, and I"ve PM'd you, but I haven't seen you respond. So I don't know really what's going on, but I do want to tell you again that I am concerned for you and I think of you often. I just don't know what else to say to you or how to help. As far as the drunk thing - maybe he's just not able to compliment you sober - but how sad is that!!!!

For whatever reasons I cannot understand, you are choosing to stay with him and to subject yourself and your children to a life like this. So I can only assume that everything is not all bad. Maybe he's really wonderful and you are just very sensitive? Or maybe they really are that bad and you just don't know how to leave or what you would do "without him." I don't really know - but I think you need more help than what you can get here (not that you shouldn't reach out here - I just think you need professional help also).

I don't really know what else to say since I agree with everyone who suggested that you leave him. There are some who replied that are more open minded, but since I've seen your other posts, I'm not inclined to agree for the most part - although there were some very helpful posts in here. I mostly wanted to just tell you again that I'm concerned for you and that I'm thinking about you and I wish you only the very very best!

Tonya,
Thank you for coming here and revealing what so many posters suspect. Calling someone fat and gross and saying you're embarassed to be seen with them is verbal abuse. It's no surprise that she is also reporting physical and psychological abuse, obviously fuelled by an alcohol problem.

I hope that every poster who has justified or downplayed his behaviour, made excuses, encouraged dialogue about his words etc. etc. is back here to read your post. There is NO excuse for what he is doing. And it is NOT an environment for her or her children. Period. The OP is in denial, but so are some of the posters who think they're helping by telling her anything other than get your butt out of that house as soon as possible. I fear she will leave her computer open and he will discover her confessions. I am hoping, hoping, hoping she is making her way to friends, family or a shelter.

I knew it from this post. As a survivor of abuse I can see the red flags almost right away.

Please get yourself and your children out of this situation. They are learning that it is OK for a man to treat a woman this way, and i KNOW that you do not want either of your kids living their lives like this. It is hard, but you can do it. You are a strong woman.

Please make this call. They can and will help you to get out safely.
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

pittielover23

Cycle of Violence




Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim



The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.

Jdismybug1

Wow, to start with it's so wrong of him to criticize you like that. At 135lbs he makes you sound bad, that;s not cool. 135 isn't bad at all.
I've been there with an ex, saying that I wasn't skinny enough, or that someday I would have a flat stomach. I told him where to stuff it.
My fiance now likes me just the way I am, whether I am 160lbs, or 120lbs. He's known me 10 yrs, and he's seen my weight go up and down, Ive seen his weight go up and down, so we don't pressure each other in any way. The most that he does is tell me I look good, and my hard work is paying off.

CARNAT22

OP - this is a weightloss forum and all the "advice" and good will in the world is not going to change your situation.

You could get down to 110lbs hun and I am pretty sure you'll get slated for being too thin, or having saggy skin or something else that only exists in your husbands mind.

You need the help and support of an organisation that understands this kind of sitatuation. I am not sure where you are based but Google may help? Also do you have friends / family near by that you can lean on. You do not have to be alone!

No-one can decide for you what you are willing to put up with but it's not just about you? I see your profile pic and I guess they are your beautiful, innocent children and I urge you to think of them. Is this what you want for them? Is this good enough for them? If it was your daughter in this sitaution you'd drag her home wouldn't you - you would do anything to keep her from harm?? Please drag yourself away - for the sake of your amazing, young children...

We're all here if you need us

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

LuluGirl140

I would ask him that question the next day when he hasn't been drinking; "honey, why is it that you only compliment my weight loss when you're buzzed" or something like that.

I would also go on to explain to him that you are doing this not only for your looks but your health and to be around for him and your kids as you all grow older together.

Men sometimes have a hard time coping when their women want to lose weight. They sometimes take it as a threat or a "preparation to leave" move. That's on them NOT YOU. What kind of shape is he in ...

Tell him you'd appreciate sober compliments too

Completely agree!! maybe he's feeling a bit insecure because you're looking good! You are the only one that knows how to reach your husband, use whatever tactics have worked for you in the past.

Remember you are awesome, and don't allow anyone to make you feel otherwise!

Elizabeth_C34

Firstly, congratulations on your weight loss. That is fantastic You should be so proud of yourself for this wonderful accomplishment.

Secondly, That is horrific what your husband is saying and doing to you. Get out now, while you still can. If he is causing physical and mental harm to you in front of your children, you need to leave immediately and don't look back. Even if he's not doing it in front of the kids, kids aren't stupid. They know what is going on. Having your kids are growing up seeing you being treated that way, then that's how they are going to believe women should be treated. If not for yourself, do it for your children's wellbeing. Abusers don't change, and they often escalate their abuse over time.

I wish you all the best girl. Stick up for yourself, and congratulations again on such a great accomplishment.

pittielover23

According to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, "growing up in a violent home may be a terrifying and traumatic experience that can affect every aspect of a child's life, growth and development. . . . children who have been exposed to family violence suffer symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, such as bed-wetting or nightmares, and were at greater risk than their peers of having allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches and flu." In addition, women who experience/observe physcial abuse as children are at a greater risk of victimization as adults, and men have a far greater (more than double) likelihood of perpetrating abuse. 13

chelle4282

Wow!!! If at 135 and 5'2 -- my hubbie complained that I was fat and gross -- they'd be scraping his remains out of a wood chipper.

As for drunk and telling the truth -- some people think that's the case....

hahahahahhaha

kbw414

I've seen many postings about unsupportive boyfriends, fiances, and husbands. It's appalling. I used to date a man who was similarly unsupportive. He would criticize me while I was eating a snack and tell me I was going to get fat. The man I ended up marrying would never dream of saying anything so hurtful to me. He gladly eats the meals I cook and compliments me every day for the work I do to invest in our health. He hikes, bikes, and walks with me, and I think most husbands would do the same for their wives. I can imagine it would be very difficult to undergo such a challenging task without the support of your best friend. Do you support him in his personal goals--is it a 2 way street? I find that when I take time to compliment my husband and build up his self esteem, he shows me the same kind of support. (Not to say that you're unsupportive! I just think outward signs of care and respect go a long way). Have you told your husband that his comments hurt you?

spaz2phreek

Being new, I don't know much about your relationship, though others seem to have been following it for some time and I find myself agreeing with their concerns but how you address your marriage is up to you. Please know that, should you decide you need something else from him, give him the chance. Like at least one other poster said, counseling. Separate, couple, whatever it takes. He has issues he needs to work on.

You can not control anyone but yourself. See if he'd be willing to look at himself and make some changes but if not, it's on him, not you. Do what you need to do for yourself.

And if you do realize he's not what you need, you will find support here, just as you do with your weight loss efforts.

pittielover23

Being new, I don't know much about your relationship, though others seem to have been following it for some time and I find myself agreeing with their concerns but how you address your marriage is up to you. Please know that, should you decide you need something else from him, give him the chance. Like at least one other poster said, counseling. Separate, couple, whatever it takes. He has issues he needs to work on.

You can not control anyone but yourself. See if he'd be willing to look at himself and make some changes but if not, it's on him, not you. Do what you need to do for yourself.

And if you do realize he's not what you need, you will find support here, just as you do with your weight loss efforts.

Just an FYI, no good counselor will do couples counseling if there is abuse, as the abuser will absolutely use the counseling sessions against the person being abused.

If you want to work on it (which I do not recomend), seperate, and you both need to go to individual counseling. But get out of the house while this is going on.

mya2012

Maybe because he has to much pride and that he doesnt want to say it, or you proved him wrong and he is eatting his words!!! Keep it up! When he finally swallows his pride he will be all over you, Switch in front of him, Spice it up and it wont be too bad to play a little hard to get! The love games I play on my husband is also rewarding.. Good luck

LisaKyle11

Cycle of Violence




Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim



The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.

yes.

rosiedoes

There would be a sudden impact of a blunt object to his windpipe if a partner ever said that sort of thing to me.

He sounds insecure and as though he's putting you down to make you think no one else would want you - which is a good enough reason to leave, because often that behaviour is a precursor to physical abuse within the relationship.

He doesn't deserve you.