weight loss and its effect on a relationship

Dawntodusk

Maybe she is suspicious of your motives... Like you're going to or are already cheating on her.

CherryteaMT

my weight GAIN caused alot of issues in our marriage...Finally it all came to a head when we had gotten into a big argument (about something totally different) and he said "i want my hot wife back"

I was so angry...the next day i joined a gym...he comes with me to work out (he does weight lifting) and he is very very encouraging and proud of me...I signed up for a Zumba class that is early in the morning, so he has "kid duty" but he doesnt complain at all...he is very skinny and so there's no jealousy issues or anything like that...


i want to say...we have a 16 yr old, so when the younger kids are in bed, my 16 yr old will hang out and watch the kids....Working out together has been really good for my relationship...

poedunk65

My wife without knowing it, i think, sobatages weight loss by buying junk food for our kid. I tell her I have no will power and if she spent the junk money on fruit and stuff, he ould be happy eating that. And he agreed with me. I give my wife kudos when she does go to the "Y", but she doesn;t have the will power to push herself anf will not take advise very well either.

I finally looked her in the face and did a "Dr PHill" on here. by saying.........."So how's that workin fer ya"..........she is not losing weight.

kateminx

I hear ya. For years my bf has complained about my weight and saying I should do something about it. When finally do, all he knows how to do is whine, and cry. He also complains that I don't buy enough snack or "good food". I haven't gotten any "good jobs" or "you look wonderful" either so don't feel too bad. IDK why they act this way, but it sucks to have the person you care about act like this. You're not alone.

lol about the "good food" comment - I get the same from my husband! He's always moaning about losing weight but doesn't do anything about it- then has a bar of chocolate followed by a pint!

jipper44

I am so sorry it is causing stress in your relationship. My husband has been super supportive, but I do my best not to let my habits or gym time get in the way of us spending some good time together. Try and see what you can do to make her feel that she is as important to you as ever.

I agree with this...is it possible that your working out is taking away from your time together? It could be a combination of jealousy of your success so far and feeling left out and left behind. It might just be as simple as a small schedule change and an extra "I love you" throughout the day.

ladybg81

My DH and I have done this together. He lost 40 pounds in the same amount of time it took me to lose 20. I would get frusterated and jealous and make snide comments to him but I realized that it was not doing anything but making me mad (he could have cared less) so I stopped. Now that I have reached my goals and feel better about myself, I feel no resentment towards him at all. I hate you are dealing with this because we all know we need as much support as possible because this is hard. Is she also on this journey with you or is this something you are doing yourself? My thoughts is that she is taking out her frustrations of being unhappy with herself on you and that is really unfair. I really do not have much advice for you because goodness knows us women can be crazy. If she is not losing with you, maybe try and GENTLY encourage her to start??? I don't know how that would go over but that's all I have for now. But don't let her get you down. Keep it up, you're doing great!

Kattie1

Hi,
I'm not married but I do understand that marriage is about two people not just one, I dont think your wife cares about your weight so to speak. You lost all this weight know she's probably thinking you are turning way more heads then before,and affect that has on you. She is probably wondering if you are going to stray or not. If she loves you, she will love you no matter what,which I'm sure she does, I think she is just insecure about the way she looks.

swenard

I understand this is not a personal attack! But my wife has everyone opportunity to go out after the kids go to bed. I go to the gym, after everyone is in bed, including her. I've basically given up half of my nights sleep so that I can run and go to the gym.


Also, I did get a comment the other day "How am I supposed to know what you're doing all night while you're out"

l3ugjuice

Also, I did get a comment the other day "How am I supposed to know what you're doing all night while you're out"

Well, there you go....that answers that. Not to defend your wife on this one...meaning, I'm not saying she is being reasonable in that fear; but wives are frequently unreasonable. Just happens....so the option is to either be proactive in reassuring her and in turn helping her deal with her own insecurities; or the other option which is basically "have an unhappy wife, which makes everyone else unhappy, too". The second choice leads down a road no happy marriage wants to go down...

Dawntodusk

I understand this is not a personal attack! But my wife has everyone opportunity to go out after the kids go to bed. I go to the gym, after everyone is in bed, including her. I've basically given up half of my nights sleep so that I can run and go to the gym.


Also, I did get a comment the other day "How am I supposed to know what you're doing all night while you're out"

Um... If my husband was going out after I went to bed I think I'd have a similar reaction. I think you might need to work on assuring her of your fidelity and devotion.

RuthRW

My wife works out as well but with two kids it is tough for us to get to the gym and do it together. I try to go to the gym after everyone is in bed so that I am not ignoring anyone but that is tough, too.

This jumped out at me. I'm not NOT NOT NOT trying to attack you here. But does she get to go out once the kids are in bed? Can you offer that opportunity if you haven't yet? I guess I would feel resentful if my husband went to the gym after the kids were in bed and I didn't feel like I ever got the chance. [I'd probably speak up about it, but that's just me...]

I am a stay at home mom of a 5 year old and an autistic 3 year old. The gym is NOT an option for me - my husband works long hours and I just can't stick my youngest in childcare for the duration of a workout.
But I knew things needed to change so I started doing cardio walking workouts 5+ times a week at home with dvds about 6 weeks ago. Its not always easy, my youngest tries to interrupt me constantly if I don't play the same CD while I am working out - can you imagine listening to Britney Spears for an hour a day for almost three weeks? LOL! Thank God we are now listening to the Glee album!
Anyway, my point is that your wife might do better with something low impact that she can do at home. Even if I could go to the gym there is a part of me that admits to feeling embarrassed at how out of shape I look - that might be a factor as well.
I have to add that my husband is super supportive - he will eat what I cook and while he doesn't exercise he will watch the kids at night and let me workout if I can't do it during the day while he is gone.
Best of luck, I know my families life is getting better and I hope yours does too!

muth3rluvx2

I WAS that wife.

And I feel horrible about it. When my husband started to lose weight, get healthy, and exercise nightly I started to feel incredibly insecure and alone. I no longer had a partner in crime. I was ashamed that I was eating cookies/chips/whatever when he was busting his *kitten* in our living room doing P90x. I was afraid I was losing him to exercise and fitness and that he's leave me for someone who was hot and not put up with his fat, whining wife.

I wasn't ready to get on the fitness train so I did everything to sabotage his. I'd complain that he spent all his time exercising. I'd complain that we weren't eating at our favourite restaurants anymore. I would insist that he would share garbage food with me, in a distorted effort to get him away from the exercise regimen.

I was jealous. Really jealous. Watching him exercise meant that I would have to face what I had done to MYSELF over the years. We both packed on a rediculous amount of weight. He was doing something about it. And I wasn't. And that was hard.

Stick through it and be continue to be positive. Don't take it personally. She just feels left out as I did. Insist that she work out with you. She'll probably say no, she's too tired, doesn't feel like it, but ask her anyway. I know my husband did. He never uttered a negative comment back even when I was being a complete *****, and I love him for it.

Just keep pressing on. She'll come around. I know I sure did.

Awesome story. thanks for sharing!

muth3rluvx2

For the males:

Women are, for all kinds of reasons that I could list off from parental examples to media to social compartamentalizing, insecure and emotionally needy. Not all women but I'd say 95% of us. Including me. I just can step back and look at myself and other women and see what's common.

Your wife is being completely irrational in her fears about where you are at night. But, like another poster, I too would wonder about what's going on. Which also tells me that communication and trust are faltering and if you're not careful, this little slippery slope of yours is going to turn into a landslide of resentment. She's scared. Very scared. I don't know what you're doing or not doing - but she's got something going on upstairs that's piling on and eventually, you're going to get blindsided with a massive melt-down... all because you're not talking about it.

Or more likely, SHE's not talking about it and YOU aren't asking the right questions to pull it out of her. I know, that's alot of responsibility to put on another human being but I never said we were rational. We can be, but typically not when we're feeling so ... vulnerable. Think back to the last time you looked at her like THAT.. you know... the one that says that she's the only woman in the world? When was the last time you made love - passionately, with the lights on and told her how much you adore her? (okay, don't answer that... just reflect on it! LOL) Took a walk, holding hands and just ... talked? About your dreams, fears, hopes and desires? When was the last time you were an in-love couple? I'm not saying you haven't done these things.. I'm saying think about it and if you haven't done any of them or better yet, all of them, in teh last month - you're slipping. You're missing her cues and hints. And for god's sake, if you have any female friends, DO NOT MENTION THEM FOR A MONTH!!! LOL

Now.. if only we really could regulate ourselves in such a way as to make you guys' jobs in dealing with us a bit more easy.... heh.

icerose137

I understand this is not a personal attack! But my wife has everyone opportunity to go out after the kids go to bed. I go to the gym, after everyone is in bed, including her. I've basically given up half of my nights sleep so that I can run and go to the gym.


Also, I did get a comment the other day "How am I supposed to know what you're doing all night while you're out"

My response to that comment would have been, well I'll show you tonight because you're coming with. But I'm the youngest of my family so I'm very stubborn and direct that way. I would have forced her to come and participate so she would know without a doubt what I was doing all night.

It's a good thing my husband and I have good communication lines because that sort of stuff would drive me absolutely crazy. But, again, I'm a direct sort of person.

laceylovespink

I'm really having a tough time just recently too....the insecurity is driving me INSANE, constant texting, wondering where I am, if I go shopping without my daughter with me it's a huge deal and why didn't i wait until he was off to go?? I literally can do nothing alone. Just this week he made me look at him step on a scale and he bragged that he lost 5 lbs in a day and then he made an egg sandwich which consisted of nacho cheese and miracle whip on white bread. He just doesn't 'get it'. This is so much more than just losing weight. And no one loses five pounds of real fat in a day, he just didn't eat that day.....

I asked him to do a 3 mile run with me the other day and he starts running way ahead of me to prove that he could go faster, which i know he couldn't have done the whole run at that pace and it made me mad that he had to try to outrun me so I just turned around and went home and have never asked him to workout with me since.

so anyway, yes, this happens a lot. I guess I'm just stubborn though because I'm not going to not go to the gym or start eating crap just to make him feel better about himself....

AshinAms

When I lost the 40 whatever kilos and went from very uncomfortable to feeling great about myself it impacted my then relationship very badly. I had gained all the weight having babies and taking care of them and when I switched from just taking care of everyone else to also taking care of myself it led to a fair amount of resentment on the part of my ex-husband. My ex is also not very active and has some extra weight, probably around 25 kilos overweight. I don't think it was the eating/reduction/diet so much that killed us, although I felt he tried to sabotage me with food a lot of the time. It was more that the inactive kind of things that we had been doing as our 'together' things no longer worked for me. He wanted to stay in and play games and I'd have to walk/go to the gym to get my calories back.

At some point he was proud of what I did but our paths started to diverge enormously. I wanted to be riding my bike with the kids/walking in the forest etc and he just wanted to be like it always was before. He came to the gym with me but that ended in disaster when he was doing something wrong and I tried to help him - all the resentment came to the surface and he ended up shouting at me in the gym and calling me a fat cow. Something I will never forget!

I had never felt like he found me attractive at all, either thin or fat, and our sex life suffered from that, but when it became clear that other people did find me attractive that unleashed another whole can of worms!

In my current relationship I am trying not to let the same thing happen. My bf is sporty which helps, although also a little overweight he has lost around 14 kilos since I met him 3 years ago. He will always come with me when I suggest an active activity but we do sometimes argue because he likes to settle on the couch with a bag of chips and a beer just as much as the next guy!

Basically from that point on it was all pretty much downhill.

I hope you can make some sense of that. Try and work out the resentment before it's too late.

Alacey88

I have to say my husband has been very supportive of my weight loss. When I told him I wanted to join WW his response was ok, as long as I have enough to eat and Im not eating tofu.
Is there any way you can get her on bored with you. Maybe if it was something you did together it would change how she feels. Im sure it hurts that you are working so hard and not getting the support that you need. Maybe tell her the affect her negativity is having on you.

I agree with the quote with WW (Weight Watchers) with my boyfriend... His reponse was "Do I have to do that....Why" I told him that I wanted to do it with my mom not him. All I wanted from him was support.... we are still having that issue but now he realizing that it is important to me not him.

In regards to the original post, I would come up with an exercise plan with your spouse and ask her what she like to do for exercising and tell her what you like and come up with a plan to what you both like..... for example if your spouse like cardio but you like weight lifting... make a plan to do each exercise one day per week.... I believe if you trully want to help your spouse, try to see it from thier point of view.

lizzybethclaire

My husband had gastric bypass surgery right before we met. He started losing a lot of weight while we were dating. Then he stopped for awhile. Then he began to lose weight and everyone was complimenting him and I was really, really jealous. I was also scared that he would fall in love with some skinny girl and leave me. When I finally told him, he laughed and told me he loved me, every inch of me, and that I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He told me I could wear a sack and be beautiful and that he desired me. knowing that he loved me no matter what I looked like stopped the jealousy.
You need to take your wife out to a romantic dinner or make her her favorite foods, bring her flowers, and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Then you need to lavish her (you know what I mean) and prove that you love her and her body. I hope that was not graphic :noway: Tell her that you want to be healthy so you can live a long time loving her. I would encourage her to try the new healthy foods you are eating, but make what she likes to so that she knows you are not forcing this lifestyle on her. That's what I do for my family. I make my food and I prepare them their food, but I let them try my food. That is how I got my husband and kids to start eating TVP. I hope this helps. Most imporantly, don't talk to her about her losing weight. just keep loving on her. also, be honest that her words are really hurting you and keep assuring her (you may want to do it everyday) that you love her forever.

Solat37_Neil

I sense a little insecurity appearing with my mrs, due to me stickin with it for longer than 2 days, and the fact that I'm dropping pounds and she's 6 months pregnant, and her belly overtaking mine! She'll be cool tho

jujubean1992

my fiance gets mad when i'm on the computer too much and he looked at me the other night and said "do you really think some stupid website is going to help you lose weight?" i was so mad and when i got up to sit somewhere else he proceed to smack my *kitten* as too say it looked nice. he wanted me to spend time with him and get off the computer he's mentioned to me that it's harder for him to wrap his arms around me and pick me up, he's over 6 foot and i'm just over 5 foot so his arms can wrap around me like twice now and he tried to pick me up and i slipped thru his arms lol.

LittleMissVintage

My family and friends are my support (seeing as I'm single). My family eats pretty badly, but I have brought alternative foods into the house for me to eat and actually my family followed my lead. I lurk around the kitchen when my father cooks, and he uses a lot less oil and butter when I do and my mom and dad have both started working out as well as my sister has stopped brining junk into her room and eating only chips. I think for a long time they were mad at me though. They silently were worried I wasn't eating enough or I was working out to much, but I just ignored them and now that they see I'm happy they seem to want to make better descisions. I think they are proud of me and I'm proud of them. As for my friends for a while one of them seemed jealous and resentful, because she wanted to loose weight to, but wasn't getting results and now I weigh less than her and fit into her clothes (I used to be 10 sizes bigger than her) but I waited that out and she is my best friend again and she also seems to be trying harder to get in shape. So my advice is do your own thing and maybe others will follow your lead... That's what I did, but I also tend to shy away from confrontation so maybe if your good with confrontation you can have a heart to heart with her.

bachooka

I guess there is a pattern here:
1. If wife works out a lot (and husband does not), husbands are more or less supportive - obviously, they could be lured by increasing degree of "hotness" in their counterparts.
2. If husband works out a lot (and wife does not), wifes do tend to have a negative approach towards it. I don't know whethere they see anything positive coming out of it or not, but surely see it as a waste of time or "attention to them" compromised.

I pray and wish I am wrong here and that it is not a general trend. It's just a personal view and no offense meant to either gender...

My hubby was super duper supportive in the beginning. I was like 70lbs heavier than him and so there was no threat in it. Now that he has "met me in the middle" at about 204 as a night time weight... he is getting a bit more weary. I'm spending too much time on the computer...I don't watch any tv with him... I won't binge on mcdonalds every weekend or more. I know that I spend about the same anyway but he is starting to feel me slip away I think. I love hime with my whole heart. I still think that he is a very sexy hunk of man meat, but as more men seem to notice me, he seems to think that I will take my pick or something and leave him in the dust. So it isn't just us women-folk who get this way, it's hard for men too.

l3ugjuice

I'm really having a tough time just recently too....the insecurity is driving me INSANE, constant texting, wondering where I am, if I go shopping without my daughter with me it's a huge deal and why didn't i wait until he was off to go?? I literally can do nothing alone.

Men can be insecure and unreasonable just like women, very true.

We are, however, fairly simple minded and very easy to reassure....just, uh, well...more sex takes care of it.

muth3rluvx2

I'm really having a tough time just recently too....the insecurity is driving me INSANE, constant texting, wondering where I am, if I go shopping without my daughter with me it's a huge deal and why didn't i wait until he was off to go?? I literally can do nothing alone.

Men can be insecure and unreasonable just like women, very true.

We are, however, fairly simple minded and very easy to reassure....just, uh, well...more sex takes care of it.

LOL! Man, how I wish this worked with all men! My bf and I are kind of opposite. Sex doesn't mean much to him but for me, well, I'm like a typical guy - I get really really b!t(hy if I have to wait too long and then it turns into all kinds of crazy thoughts. Get laid and all better. Magic pill! heheheheheheh. He's the one that needs the other kinds of reassurances. I'm very driven in career/education goals, accomplishing the big projects and getting my name out there in a professional/community kind of capacity. It makes him feel very neglected if he's at home cleaning/cooking and I'm the one out at the gym or doing stuff with the kids or at meetings or doing whatever to better myself TOO much. But therein lies the key...defining that boundary of too much. He's very supportive until we hit that point and that line isn't really explicitely defined yet. It wouldnt' surprise me if this were the case for most people.

l3ugjuice

LOL! Man, how I wish this worked with all men! My bf and I are kind of opposite. Sex doesn't mean much to him but for me, well, I'm like a typical guy - I get really really b!t(hy if I have to wait too long and then it turns into all kinds of crazy thoughts. Get laid and all better. Magic pill! heheheheheheh. He's the one that needs the other kinds of reassurances.

He may have a lack of testosterone production or something, that's not right =/.

OKAY so, it works for 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of us, anyway.

Hollycat

She's afraid she's losing you and that you are not finding her attractive and might start looking elsewhere...she is blaming herself and taking it out on you as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

She needs some serious reassurance.....

Hollycat

swenard

For the males:

Women are, for all kinds of reasons that I could list off from parental examples to media to social compartamentalizing, insecure and emotionally needy. Not all women but I'd say 95% of us. Including me. I just can step back and look at myself and other women and see what's common.

Your wife is being completely irrational in her fears about where you are at night. But, like another poster, I too would wonder about what's going on. Which also tells me that communication and trust are faltering and if you're not careful, this little slippery slope of yours is going to turn into a landslide of resentment. She's scared. Very scared. I don't know what you're doing or not doing - but she's got something going on upstairs that's piling on and eventually, you're going to get blindsided with a massive melt-down... all because you're not talking about it.

Or more likely, SHE's not talking about it and YOU aren't asking the right questions to pull it out of her. I know, that's alot of responsibility to put on another human being but I never said we were rational. We can be, but typically not when we're feeling so ... vulnerable. Think back to the last time you looked at her like THAT.. you know... the one that says that she's the only woman in the world? When was the last time you made love - passionately, with the lights on and told her how much you adore her? (okay, don't answer that... just reflect on it! LOL) Took a walk, holding hands and just ... talked? About your dreams, fears, hopes and desires? When was the last time you were an in-love couple? I'm not saying you haven't done these things.. I'm saying think about it and if you haven't done any of them or better yet, all of them, in teh last month - you're slipping. You're missing her cues and hints. And for god's sake, if you have any female friends, DO NOT MENTION THEM FOR A MONTH!!! LOL

Now.. if only we really could regulate ourselves in such a way as to make you guys' jobs in dealing with us a bit more easy.... heh.

lol at " And for god's sake, if you have any female friends, DO NOT MENTION THEM FOR A MONTH!!! LOL"

because i do have two friends at work that I hang out with and both are ladies. I work closely with both and also socialize with at lunch, so their names come up often and when they do, my wife shuts right down; conversation is over. I tell my wife everything though, as I would never wish for her to think I am hiding something.

I get along great with both girls(they're close friends), and would love to involve them in socializing with my wife but my wife wants no part of it.

Just1forMe

I WAS that wife.

And I feel horrible about it. When my husband started to lose weight, get healthy, and exercise nightly I started to feel incredibly insecure and alone. I no longer had a partner in crime. I was ashamed that I was eating cookies/chips/whatever when he was busting his *kitten* in our living room doing P90x. I was afraid I was losing him to exercise and fitness and that he's leave me for someone who was hot and not put up with his fat, whining wife.

I wasn't ready to get on the fitness train so I did everything to sabotage his. I'd complain that he spent all his time exercising. I'd complain that we weren't eating at our favourite restaurants anymore. I would insist that he would share garbage food with me, in a distorted effort to get him away from the exercise regimen.

I was jealous. Really jealous. Watching him exercise meant that I would have to face what I had done to MYSELF over the years. We both packed on a rediculous amount of weight. He was doing something about it. And I wasn't. And that was hard.

Stick through it and be continue to be positive. Don't take it personally. She just feels left out as I did. Insist that she work out with you. She'll probably say no, she's too tired, doesn't feel like it, but ask her anyway. I know my husband did. He never uttered a negative comment back even when I was being a complete *****, and I love him for it.

Just keep pressing on. She'll come around. I know I sure did.

I think this totally explains where she is at. Not everyone jumps on the "I'm ready to lose weight and get healthy" train at the same time. You have to be mentally ready. Be patient with her and kind. Do not criticize her. Try to understand her seemingly rotten attitude. Eventually, she will get there mentally and then she will apologize

rhodes2b

I have that very problem. It sucks and is/has ruined my marriage.

muth3rluvx2

For the males:

Women are, for all kinds of reasons that I could list off from parental examples to media to social compartamentalizing, insecure and emotionally needy. Not all women but I'd say 95% of us. Including me. I just can step back and look at myself and other women and see what's common.

Your wife is being completely irrational in her fears about where you are at night. But, like another poster, I too would wonder about what's going on. Which also tells me that communication and trust are faltering and if you're not careful, this little slippery slope of yours is going to turn into a landslide of resentment. She's scared. Very scared. I don't know what you're doing or not doing - but she's got something going on upstairs that's piling on and eventually, you're going to get blindsided with a massive melt-down... all because you're not talking about it.

Or more likely, SHE's not talking about it and YOU aren't asking the right questions to pull it out of her. I know, that's alot of responsibility to put on another human being but I never said we were rational. We can be, but typically not when we're feeling so ... vulnerable. Think back to the last time you looked at her like THAT.. you know... the one that says that she's the only woman in the world? When was the last time you made love - passionately, with the lights on and told her how much you adore her? (okay, don't answer that... just reflect on it! LOL) Took a walk, holding hands and just ... talked? About your dreams, fears, hopes and desires? When was the last time you were an in-love couple? I'm not saying you haven't done these things.. I'm saying think about it and if you haven't done any of them or better yet, all of them, in teh last month - you're slipping. You're missing her cues and hints. And for god's sake, if you have any female friends, DO NOT MENTION THEM FOR A MONTH!!! LOL

Now.. if only we really could regulate ourselves in such a way as to make you guys' jobs in dealing with us a bit more easy.... heh.

lol at " And for god's sake, if you have any female friends, DO NOT MENTION THEM FOR A MONTH!!! LOL"

because i do have two friends at work that I hang out with and both are ladies. I work closely with both and also socialize with at lunch, so their names come up often and when they do, my wife shuts right down; conversation is over. I tell my wife everything though, as I would never wish for her to think I am hiding something.

I get along great with both girls(they're close friends), and would love to involve them in socializing with my wife but my wife wants no part of it.

Oh my..
it sounds like your wife has some very serious security/confidence issues and that her reaction to you getting healthy/in shape/fit is just another symptom of that. I've been that woman and IF (going on some self-reflective generalizations here that may not apply so BIG IF) she's anything like I was, there's not much you can do to help her. She's going to have to find that security within herself. Does she have anything she does to boost her own sense of confidence? School? Professional goals? Girls nights out? The only thing I can think of that you might be able to do is try couples counseling. More to get her to open up and talk than because there's anything truly wrong with your marriage... but there easily could be if she doesn't find herself and she's leaning too much on you for her identity.

IF this is what's going on, you have a tough road ahead of you. Not impossible.. but definitely hard. Learning these things while ina relationship is difficult. We often get our greatest insights from hardship, unfortunately. But it sounds like she's got a great support system in you and that could be what makes all the difference.

If you'd like to talk more in depth, feel free to PM me... that is, if I'm anywhere near the mark. I so get her, if I'm right.