Hubby suggested cosmetic surgery :(
kfitz10103
Posts: 354
So I was in bed last night and hubby was talking about my abdominal skin. He said it clearly isn't fat and that I should look into having it removed. He then proceeded to tell me that when I lean forward it just hangs and its clear its just skin. He then recommended a cosmetic surgeon and said I should look into it. WOW! I was wondering about it, but I didn't think it bothered him so much. He has been with me at my lightesty and heaviest and I think I still need to lose fat to give my skin a chance to tighten up a bit more. I'll admit it isn't pretty, but I did have 2 of HIS babies within 12 months of each other and the youngest is only 9 months. I think I should give it until January. (1 Year into my journey) before I decide to have a serious surgery. Oh and he wants to have more kids?? Does he really think I am going to do all this work just to have my body taken over again? I was on fertility treatments for almost a year to get pregnant with our first so I had been either on fertility treatments, breastfeeding, or pregnant for 34 months straight! I am ready to have my body back and he shouldn't have complained about the skin. (It really hurt even though I think I will look into having it removed after January.)
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Replies
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I'm not a female, but I have many female friends that have had plastic surgery of some kind. The number one recommendation they have is not to get anything done until you are done having kids.
Without having pictures it's tough to tell the condition of your belly. Is it more wrinkled than anything? If you've lost weight very quickly, combined with having children, it could be that you may need to have a tummy tuck. The skin is an amazing organ and very versatile, but it does have limits. I would go see your doctor before seeing a plastic surgeon.
Something else to think about, again from a male's POV, it was probably pretty hard for him to bring it up so don't beat him too badly. With my girlfriend she is very self conscience of her middle area. Whenever I make a suggestion to her it's more from the view that I want her to be happy, not so much what I want. It may be he's perfectly happy with your body but you've been giving off signals that you aren't happy. Whatever the reason, you've done an incredible thing with your weight loss and deserve to go out and show it off how YOU want to.0 -
wowza. he had a lot of nerve, regardless of his reasoning.
it's *your* body - do as you will.0 -
Bless, he's probably just trying to be supportive, albeit in a very cack handed way.0
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I'm sorry he said that, it sounds hurtful. Did you tell him how it made you feel? And I think your idea of waiting is a good one. Your body has been through so many changes in the last 2-3 years and skin is always the last to adjust. In some people it tightens some more, in others it doesn't.
To the guys: it's extremely easy to take "comments" as criticism! Tread lightly...0 -
Bless, he's probably just trying to be supportive, albeit in a very cack handed way.
I agree. He probably thought about it for ages, trying to think of a nice way to suggest it and it didn't come out quite right. I bet he thinks it is something you would want but would never do for money reasons (or other reasons like that) and just wanted to say something to you about it so you would know that he would support you if that's what you wanted. If he's seen you through 2 pregnancies and at your highest I am sure he is not bothered by the saggy skin. I also have two kids and I KNOW there is a lot worse! I bet he was just trying to compliment / support you (In a bumbling husband kind of way.)
:-)0 -
I’m going to play the other side a bit here. First let me say you can take this or leave it because I don’t know you or your husband and I wasn’t there when he said this. There disclaimer out of the way. But maybe he thought he was being helpful, it seems we men sometimes are in a no win situation, if we don’t talk, we don’t care, if we do we are insensitive jerks. Kind of the “does this dress make my butt look big” deal.
Maybe he thought you were having a hard time dealing with the loose skin and thought he would be proactive in letting you know he would be ok with you getting surgery.
And to the “it’s your body” post. Yes but they are partners, and I would think something like this should be discussed between partners. I sure as hell know I would be mad as hell if my wife came home one day and said “oh by the way I decided to spend 10k on plastic surgery, and because it’s “my body” I didn’t feel I needed to discuss it with you. GMAFB0 -
i suggest his own cosmetic surgery.............. removal of something with a blunt bit of metal !!
Thats just wrong wrong WRONG !
sorry but thats not the support you need right now !0 -
And to the “it’s your body” post. Yes but they are partners, and I would think something like this should be discussed between partners. I sure as hell know I would be mad as hell if my wife came home one day and said “oh by the way I decided to spend 10k on plastic surgery, and because it’s “my body” I didn’t feel I needed to discuss it with you. GMAFB
sure, finances would need to be agreed upon. duh. but not her body - men shouldn't get any say to that, or vice versa.0 -
the baby is NINE MONTHS OLD? NOT the time to discuss surgery. Wait until your LAST child is at least TWO. And then if you still can't fix it naturally, you may want to consider it, but it is way too soon after giving birth, and especially not if you plan on having another child!
Mine are 14 and 10 and I am finally happy with myself! It can happen on its own.0 -
I agree with FreeRange. Some people are just damned if they do and damned if they don't.0
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I definitely think you should wait until you are done having kids as well. My bff recently lost over 100 lbs and has NO fat on her body, and a lot of loose skin. She's been trying to tone the area, and the loose skin still remains. Down the line, you (and a lot of us) may want to look into surgery but do it because you want to, not because someone else thinks you should. You are awesome!!0
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I'm going to have to defend the missing party here too!
He might of been just suggesting cosmetic surgery because he thought that's what you wanted to hear and maybe he was trying to make you feel good about your weight, telling you that you don't have anymore fat to lose.
You're married, have two children which you have obviously really wanted badly if you have gone through treatment of some kind together. He has been there through your weight fluctuations and obviously loves you!
Sometimes we put our own meanings into what people say, talk to him and he might let you know he did not mean it in a negative way towards you, give him the chance to put it right.
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Do you constantly talk about it or act extremely self concious about it? I think he was trying to help you find a solution. It's not like you were told that you need to get it. I know that my boyfriend got irritated with my constant complaining about my body so finally told me to get off my *kitten* and go to the gym. I had the nerve to be offended. To be honest, I am thankful for his suggestions, though blunt.0
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Do you constantly talk about it or act extremely self concious about it? I think he was trying to help you find a solution. It's not like you were told that you need to get it. I know that my boyfriend got irritated with my constant complaining about my body so finally told me to get off my *kitten* and go to the gym. I had the nerve to be offended. To be honest, I am thankful for his suggestions, though blunt.
My boyfriend does the exact same thing! When we complain about something to another girl, they tend to listen to us and give us sympathy. When we complain to a guy, they think they are being helpful by offering suggestions, even if they are hurtful. I've learned not to draw attention to my negative physical aspects in front of my boyfriend because chances are he never noticed them until I said something.0 -
As a husband, I would NEVER suggest it, but I would support it 100%.0
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Well I talked to him about it and he said he wanted me to know I don't need to lose more weight bc its just skin that is on my stomach. He was just trying to be supportive and was telling me that all my hard work is being covered up by the skin and actually my stomach is flat. (Of course he meant flatter than it looks, b/c at 169 lbs it ceratinly is not flat.) So I guess he meant well and I know if it grosses me out he can't find it very attractive. I think I am so self conscious about it I got defensive. I didn't ever tell him how self conscious I was about it I just said I wanted to lose more weight to get a better waistline.0
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Do you constantly talk about it or act extremely self concious about it? I think he was trying to help you find a solution. It's not like you were told that you need to get it. I know that my boyfriend got irritated with my constant complaining about my body so finally told me to get off my *kitten* and go to the gym. I had the nerve to be offended. To be honest, I am thankful for his suggestions, though blunt.
My boyfriend does the exact same thing! When we complain about something to another girl, they tend to listen to us and give us sympathy. When we complain to a guy, they think they are being helpful by offering suggestions, even if they are hurtful. I've learned not to draw attention to my negative physical aspects in front of my boyfriend because chances are he never noticed them until I said something.
Agree. Yes ... that's totally a guy thing. When you talk to female about a problem, they listen, commiserate, ask how you feel about the issue, blah, blah, blah, you feel good because someone listened even though the problem hasn't gone away. When you talk to a male, they hear what the problem is and immediately go into problem solving mode: don't like your job--quit, hairdresser did a crappy job--get another hairdresser, don't like loose skin around your middle--cut if off. Problem solved. Move on.It's the way men are wired; they're not deliberately insensitive, they just don't understand why women waste time with the blah, blah, blah part of a problem. Who knows, maybe your husband is a total cad, but it's also likely he's responding in the only guy-way he knows to help you. Think about how he helps you solve other problems--is his approach any different for this issue? Sometimes body image concerns make us extra sensitive to 'help' from spouses or loved ones.
I'm a woman and it took me years to figure this out with men--only if I want an 'on the spot' solution do I talk to my husband or Dad about what's on my mind. It spares them the threat of being beaten with a blunt object for 'not listening' :-)0 -
I'm going to have to defend the missing party here too!
He might of been just suggesting cosmetic surgery because he thought that's what you wanted to hear and maybe he was trying to make you feel good about your weight, telling you that you don't have anymore fat to lose.
You're married, have two children which you have obviously really wanted badly if you have gone through treatment of some kind together. He has been there through your weight fluctuations and obviously loves you!
Sometimes we put our own meanings into what people say, talk to him and he might let you know he did not mean it in a negative way towards you, give him the chance to put it right.
That's how I take it, too. I have four older brothers, and my father was very loving, but terrible with direct compliments. In my understanding of the language of men, this sounds like his way of saying, "You don't need to lose anymore weight. What's left is not fat."0 -
Yeah. Men like to solve stuff. Unfortunately, he handled the discussion about as well as Wile E. Coyote handles a cliff. I'm glad you talked to him, though, and figured out what he was trying to say. Always the best approach.0
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I always wanted to have a tummy tuck to get rid of my saggy post-baby stomach. I even went so far as to visit a few surgeons. All of them said that I had to wait until I was sure I wasn't going to have any more children. Apparently if you have a baby after the surgery your tummy will look even worse! <gulp>
But the good news is that as I'm losing weight this time, my tummy is slowly tightening up as well. Even though I still have a way to go, it looks better now than it did when I was thinner as there is tone and muscle under it now!
He probably thinks he's being helpful, but I would suggest that you follow your original plan. Wait at least a year before you plan major surgery. In the meantime, work out, exfoliate/body brush and moisturise and see where you are in a few months time.0 -
Well I talked to him about it and he said he wanted me to know I don't need to lose more weight bc its just skin that is on my stomach. He was just trying to be supportive and was telling me that all my hard work is being covered up by the skin and actually my stomach is flat. (Of course he meant flatter than it looks, b/c at 169 lbs it ceratinly is not flat.) So I guess he meant well and I know if it grosses me out he can't find it very attractive. I think I am so self conscious about it I got defensive. I didn't ever tell him how self conscious I was about it I just said I wanted to lose more weight to get a better waistline.
That's what I thought he was just being nice and trying to make you feel better. He probably knows that you are self conscious about it to.. I actually see that has being sweet he wnats you to feel your best... I bet it doesn't gross him out because you are the mother of his children you had put a lot of work into that.0 -
Well I talked to him about it and he said he wanted me to know I don't need to lose more weight bc its just skin that is on my stomach. He was just trying to be supportive and was telling me that all my hard work is being covered up by the skin and actually my stomach is flat. (Of course he meant flatter than it looks, b/c at 169 lbs it ceratinly is not flat.) So I guess he meant well and I know if it grosses me out he can't find it very attractive. I think I am so self conscious about it I got defensive. I didn't ever tell him how self conscious I was about it I just said I wanted to lose more weight to get a better waistline.
P.S. Congrats on your weight-loss! I know it sounds horrible, but flabby skin IS a NSV!!!! =D If you can, trying to look at it as a victory rather then another hurdle will help to boost you tremendously!!
So glad to hear you guys were able to communicate and hopefully come to an understanding of his true meaning! Glad to know he is not the superficial kind of guy!! =D <hugs>
Hang in there, keep trusting him and like others have said, don't do *anything* drastic until at least 24mths+ have passed, I AM an instant-gratification person myself, but I'm slowly learning that getting my body & self-image back into place doesn't happen overnight! (nor did it usually get that way overnight)
If you want some less-invasive solutions =D I totally understand how you feel self-conscience about your tummy (I do too!), what has helped me is reading tips from others here on MFP, drink lots of clear fluids (aka water) and use lots of non-petroleum lotion (check the ingredients and make sure mineral oil is not in the top 10 ingredients)! It *really* does work -AND- help!! You want non-oil based lotions as they sit on your skin, rather then really absorbing and hydrating your skin!! =D Hope some of these help and encourage you! Hang in there!
To MFP'ers, glad to know SO many encouraged communication! Everyone who responded was great!!! *high-fives*0 -
I agree that you should not do surgery till done with the kids thing.... definitely think you have done your fair share in that department as well. Pretty sure is men had to have the kids there would be only one child per father!!0
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I dont think there is anything wrong with cosmetic surgery as long as its YOU who wants it for yourself. I do agree and have had many friends that had tummy tucks done because their skin was so stretched out there was nothing else they could do. I agree you should finish having your kids first!!!!! And once you have lost your weight then do it ..if its YOU who wants it done. In most cases that loose skin never really gets much better. But just my opinion.:)0
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Two babies back to back and youngest is just 9 months old...
Not cool dude, not cool.0 -
sounds to me like maybe he thought it bothered you and just didnt go about saying what youve probably been thinking all along. (no offense) I have a tendency to appreciate when someone tells me the truth whether it hurts or not. Especially if Im complaining (not saying you were) but if im complaining about my fat flappy arms and my husbands says "start lifting some weights". he's right. Its just like the time my cousin was crying because her siblings were calling her fat and my uncle (her father) took her into the mirror and said "look you are fat! now do something about it". and she did. Im sorry but I dont get my feelings hurt very often. I think that he wasnt trying to be ugly it just came out wrong.
I will never forget the time i told my husband he didnt want to have "private time" with me cause I was fat and he said "ive had "private time" with you when you were way fatter" I thought i was going to pee my pants. I feel bad for them cause they just dont have the right words but how fair is it of us to make them walk on egg shells? Just tell him that was nice of him to make a suggestion and then dont talk to him about your body again. Therefore the feelings wont get hurt again.
THIS IS PURELY MY OPINION AND NOTHING ELSE. Thanks for listening.0 -
It is true that men are wired differently and are looking for an immediate answer to the problem. You should talk to him about this. Tell him if you do or don't want anymore babies. Let him know that before thinking about any surgery, you should probably hit your goal weight first, wait and see how your body looks then. Plus if you feel you have more weight to lose, having a surgery might set you back.
I also think that I would be hurt if my hubby said that to me though, they are supposed to love you for who you are, fat or skinny. He should be supporting you as a person.0 -
Well I talked to him about it and he said he wanted me to know I don't need to lose more weight bc its just skin that is on my stomach. He was just trying to be supportive and was telling me that all my hard work is being covered up by the skin and actually my stomach is flat. (Of course he meant flatter than it looks, b/c at 169 lbs it ceratinly is not flat.) So I guess he meant well and I know if it grosses me out he can't find it very attractive. I think I am so self conscious about it I got defensive. I didn't ever tell him how self conscious I was about it I just said I wanted to lose more weight to get a better waistline.
Good for you. Now I wouldn't even consider it until you are done having kids, and have been at your goal weight for at least a year.0 -
It sounds like he was trying to say that it wasn't fat, only skin. So in a way, it sounds like a compliment. I wouldn't have taken it well either, just because I would have heard, "You NEED cosmetic surgery to be attractive," but that is just crazy girl thinking.0
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that sounds like soemthing my husband would say. He says he says stuff like that to MOTIVATE me..all it does it hurt and make me HATE HIM.Let me give you some advice my dear..do NOT have anymore babies with him,in case you need to kick his *kitten* to the curb if he doesnt love you for who you ARE! im adding you so we can chat. Jen0
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