Pre-Marital test has me feeling depressed!
cbratthauer
Posts: 228 Member
So my fiance and I are getting married September 3. I'm definitely excited and can't wait for us to begin our lives together as husband and wife. We started pre-marital counseling Sunday. Our religion is important to both of us. We had to go on-line and each take a 300 question test about ourselves and eachother, then it matched up our questions to give us a test score. We're 67% compatable. There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts. I seriously started crying reading that stupid thing. I felt like we were good together, that we understand eachother. We have fun together, we make eachother laugh, we do a lot of things together. I feel like this stupid test is saying we shouldn't get married!!! And now I have to wait 2 weeks to meet with the Pastor about our results. So all I'm going to think about these next 2 weeks is how we don't agree on anything that I thought we did!!!!!
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A test can't measure what's in your heart. As long as you're happily willing to grow as a person and help your husband do the same you two will grow together beautifully. Always be open to change and a willingness to let go and forgive. Think happy thoughts!0
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You don't need a sheet of paper or test results telling you if you love someone or not. You know your feelings, ignore the score!0
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You should ask some friends or family that are already married to take the same test and see what their results are. You might find 67% is a really good result!0
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oh I wanna take this test0
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Look at it as a starting place for open conversations. For example, you can say "it says you don't feel like I support you in your job, can you tell me why? What can I do to help you feel more supported." Maybe using it this way you can talk about things that would otherwise never come out in the open but might fester under the surface.
As far as the "67% compatible" - don't read too much into that!! My husband and I would have probably come out as very incompatible - our likes, our family backgrounds, our interests, etc were very different; about all we had in common was our religion and that we really loved each other. 16 years later, we've grown more like each other. I'm actually interested in cars now *gasp* and he is a reader -has read Pride & Prejudice (the real one by Jane Austin) and loved it. We still have plenty of different interests and desires - he's a self-professed redneck and I'm a math geek - but we work to complement each other (one of us has a gap, the other can often fill it in). A marriage is more about what you are willing to put into it than what you bring into it.0 -
I wouldn't worry about the results if I were you - My husband and I are like chalk and cheese - and would probably fail any test like that. We're pretty much opposite on everything - from the food we like to eat to the tv programs we enjoy to the music we listen to - the list is endless - but we've been married for 30 years this September!0
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Alot of your compatability will only get stronger with marriage. I wouldn't worry about those results. I think your score is pretty good for someone who is not married yet. Just make sure you guys have great communication. COmmunication is the key to all relationships.0
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It seems to me that 67% is a pretty darn good score. Also, these things are inherently...well, stupid. Two different people interpret the responses and the questions differently, or answer them at a bad/rushed time. Moreover, the aren't interpreted by professionals. These tests are, in my opinion, quite superficial and misleading.
The only benefit I see these types of tests having is getting the two of you talking. I ditto CharityD who said, "You don't need a sheet of paper or test results...."0 -
It is a starting point, but perhaps it is opening the lines of communication.0
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Although it would be hard to hear when you are so in love, instead of letting the results get you down, let them fuel you into working on those areas that need work. You are blessed to find out these things now rather than after 5 years of hard feelings and misunderstandings. I will be praying that God's will is done in your relationship and that you are both obedient to what you hear from HIM.0
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if you feel that basing your entire life on a test is what it takes, instead of love, commitment, communication, honesty, hard work, determination, and great sex...then go talk to your pastor today. I know for a fact that my fiance and I have nothing in common...we weren't raised the same, we don't even enjoy the same hobbies...but he loves the hell out of me, and I love him right back...he's my big strong man, no matter how bad I break down, he holds me up...THAT is all that matters...0
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Don't stress. The important thing is that you love each other. Use this time to talk with your fiance about why you have different answers. If he thinks you don't support his career, ask him how you can show more support or what qualifies as support in his opinion. Do the same analysis for any conflict of answers you two may have had. Don't stress about this though, its nothing that can be settled and it certainly doesn't mean you two can't have a happily married life together.0
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Don't feel bad, I got a 44%, Then I disowned the Church and religion all together.0
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Did it make you cry because you already felt those things need improvement? Or did you cry because of disbelief? I honestly don't think my fiance and I would get that high of a score, I realize we aren't "perfect" but we love each other and have for almost 8 years. We have seen each other change so much and through all of that we have never let anything destroy us. If a paper test is enough to make you feel like that I would consider it a red flag. Sorry to be harsh but I am trying to be honest with you.0
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Seriously.....there is NOOOOOOO test that will tell you if your good together or not. Are you happy together? Thats all that counts.0
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So my fiance and I are getting married September 3. I'm definitely excited and can't wait for us to begin our lives together as husband and wife. We started pre-marital counseling Sunday. Our religion is important to both of us. We had to go on-line and each take a 300 question test about ourselves and eachother, then it matched up our questions to give us a test score. We're 67% compatable. There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts. I seriously started crying reading that stupid thing. I felt like we were good together, that we understand eachother. We have fun together, we make eachother laugh, we do a lot of things together. I feel like this stupid test is saying we shouldn't get married!!! And now I have to wait 2 weeks to meet with the Pastor about our results. So all I'm going to think about these next 2 weeks is how we don't agree on anything that I thought we did!!!!!
You will score better on the test later on in your marriage. My father-in-law told me that marriage is a dance you both learn together. Sit down with him and go over the communication issues. That is what it sounds like it is - that can be mended very easily. There was this book "Love Language" [spelling*&} any way it tells how people feel they are supported by a mate. My husband always thinks I support him when I tell him how much he does for us - I feel supported when he shows me with actions. Every person sees it differently and you have to find out what his is, and he what yours is. Give it time marriage is a long journey and you are just starting. Best wishes. :flowerforyou:0 -
It is commendable that you care about your religion.. But think about it, is there some kind of survey set out in the Bible that couples can take before marriage? No, there isn't. Think about the billions of couples that have had successful marriages, without taking silly quizzes online. There is a book called "The secret to family happiness" that is Bible based. It deals with topics such as Is There a Secret of Family Happiness?. Preparing for a Successful Marriage, Two Keys to a Lasting Marriage, You Can Overcome Problems That Damage a Family, If Marriage Is at the Breaking Point.
And Secure a Lasting Future for Your Family. Millions of people have followed the advice of the book and have had successful marriages.0 -
Well if I round that up to a 70 then you're officially passing. :bigsmile:
Just because you are one way today, doesn't mean you'll be that way in 2, 5, 10 years. You will both grow and change, the trick is to do it TOGETHER. We all hear the famous "we just grew apart". Well I say "We just grew together".
Plus, it's okay to be a little different then one another and if it brings up conflict then solve your conflict in a healthy manner. Funny thing is usually the different things about one another are the same exact things that brought you 2 together but years later are also the same things that can draw you apart.
To this day there are things that we just agree to disagree on. Marriage isn't easy, at all, but the ones that I have seen succeed are the ones where BOTH partners are open to change, to adapt, and to evolve.. themselves, not the other person (that's a recipe for disaster- take it from me :indifferent: )
I've been married 10 years and am barely getting it. We were so stubborn and wasted many years standing still when we could had been growing together.0 -
You know what.. your relationship isn't on paper - it's real life!! Use these differences as a starting point to strengthen your relationship. Talk it out, work on it. My husband and I have been reading a book called the 5 Languages of Love.. it has really helped me to understand him. I know now that he needs to hear me say "hey, good job on _______" I joke that he needs a gold star for everything. But, you know what, if that's what he needs, okay then. I want him to feel loved, and I need to tell him in a way that he understands. We tend to love others the way that we need to feel loved instead of the way they need to feel loved. It's a really interesting book.. Anyway, don't bash yourself about it, look at it as a tool that will help you have a stronger relationship.0
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Look at it as a starting place for open conversations. For example, you can say "it says you don't feel like I support you in your job, can you tell me why? What can I do to help you feel more supported." Maybe using it this way you can talk about things that would otherwise never come out in the open but might fester under the surface.
As far as the "67% compatible" - don't read too much into that!! My husband and I would have probably come out as very incompatible - our likes, our family backgrounds, our interests, etc were very different; about all we had in common was our religion and that we really loved each other. 16 years later, we've grown more like each other. I'm actually interested in cars now *gasp* and he is a reader -has read Pride & Prejudice (the real one by Jane Austin) and loved it. We still have plenty of different interests and desires - he's a self-professed redneck and I'm a math geek - but we work to complement each other (one of us has a gap, the other can often fill it in). A marriage is more about what you are willing to put into it than what you bring into it.
I agree 100%. My hubby and I probably wouldn't match up on paper, but we have one of the happiest marriages I know of. We were recently at a marriage conference at our church, and the pastor asked if anyone in the room felt like they had the perfect marriage...and they wouldn't change anything. We actually raised our hands! Only one other couple in the room did that, and it was my parents. You just have to know how to communicate with each other. That is the key to any relationship. Agree on the big issues and learn to speak each other's language. I would recomend the book "The Five Love Languages". My husband and I read it together before we got engaged, and it helped a lot. Don't let these test results get you down. Just learn from the test itself. God bless you and your future marriage!0 -
Years ago, my husband and had to attend an Engagement Encounter weekend before our wedding. Over the course of the weekend, we had to split up and answer questionnaires and then join up again and compare our answers. It was a great experience since it allowed us to talk about everything - both positive and negative. Use this test to open up the lines of communication. No two people are 100% compatible. Marriage is about communication and compromise. At times, you'll have to agree to disagree. Don't let this test get you down - use it to your advantage!0
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Don't fret. If you believe in your heart that this is the man God has sent for you to marry...the test results don't matter. There are TONS of things that my husband and I aren't compatible on. We don't like the same kind of movies, the same music, the same types of food...and yet July 31st will be our 12th wedding anniversary..and we're still very much in love and happy! God knows what He's doing so trust in Him...not that test! I'll be praying that things work out for you guys!0
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I don't think a test can tell you if you will be happily married or not. I met and married my husband in less than one month. July 13th will be our 21st anniversary. As a joke once we took the Harmony matchmaker test and failed it, we were not compatible according to that test. We had been married for 15 years then and tend to laugh about it.
Only you know deep in your heart if you are right for each other, don't let anyone or test tell you differently. Marriage is never 100% easy, you will have arguments, there will be tears and hard times. It's how you work through those times that matter the most.
67% is good, it means there is more room for you to grow as a couple, more things for you to talk over, to compromise on. Honestly I would have been more worried if you scored 100%.
Love grows more each day/year.0 -
The key to a good marriage is communication and now you have a great list of things to start talking about!
Take all of the things on that test and talk about them NOW so you can get on the same page about things that might become a problem further down the road. If you can resolve or at least discuss those things and make it clear how you both feel about all of them, that will give you a great foundation for the future.
I think another secret reason for a test like that is not just about compatibility but also how you deal with the results and use them to make your relationship better. Having a 'heads up' about these things now COULD be a real bonus IF you take advantage of the opportunity to work on them now and practice your communication skills before a big issue arises.
On the flip side, if the results are freaking you out THAT much, maybe you should do some serious thinking or praying about why you are so distressed by it. Is it because deep down you fear it might be true? I'm not saying it is, just putting that out there as something to consider - sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to hear and to face.
Either way, deal with what you discover by talking about it and don't just brush it under the rug.
Peace & Blessings0 -
No relationship is perfect, hon. In fact, I think it's a great reality check about how the rest of your lives will go. You may always perceive things a bit differently or maybe you'll be lucky and find a way to compromise and/or work through these differences. Don't think so negatively about it, think of it as an opportunity to learn more about each other and grow together!0
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opposites attract? thats the best part of being a couple - figuring things out together. im sure you know marriage isnt all roses and butterflies - tha'ts where the other 42% comes into play. you only grow stronger when you work together at the differences.0
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opposites attract? thats the best part of being a couple - figuring things out together. im sure you know marriage isnt all roses and butterflies - tha'ts where the other 42% comes into play. you only grow stronger when you work together at the differences.
well thats really not THE BEST part of course but you know what i meant
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There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts.
The test means nothing, but this does.0 -
So sorry to hear that you are feeling bad!
First of all: Follow your heart. If it has led you to the point where you are now, you won't go wrong.
Take it as a chance to find out something in advance that other couples need years for: Maybe there is a small truth in all of what the test said was not "perfect"?! Besides from the facts that marriages are not there to be perfect but to support each other whenever one is NOT -- talk about it!!! Good thing you didn't have to have fights over it in a couple of years or get into serious trouble with each other about one or the other "difference" that you were never able to straighten out -- How cool is that?!
A lot of people have to find out the hard and painful way what underlying "problems" there are in their relationship. I am sure that this test is meant to be your chance to be faster, to not let the difficulties take over your relationship but get going on them before they even get any bigger.
And yeah, 67% is a lot to start with!!! This is a great opportunity to make the most out of it!!! :-)
One very, very personal advice that I would also give you if we knew each other in person (since that's my personal experience and belief): Follow your heart. I've already said that before ... if it tells you something different now ... do think positively or use that chance to think it over. Be honest with yourself and your partner all the way.0
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