Pre-Marital test has me feeling depressed!

Options
2

Replies

  • jojopel
    jojopel Posts: 348 Member
    Options
    Years ago, my husband and had to attend an Engagement Encounter weekend before our wedding. Over the course of the weekend, we had to split up and answer questionnaires and then join up again and compare our answers. It was a great experience since it allowed us to talk about everything - both positive and negative. Use this test to open up the lines of communication. No two people are 100% compatible. Marriage is about communication and compromise. At times, you'll have to agree to disagree. Don't let this test get you down - use it to your advantage!
  • quichebradford
    quichebradford Posts: 327 Member
    Options
    Don't fret. If you believe in your heart that this is the man God has sent for you to marry...the test results don't matter. There are TONS of things that my husband and I aren't compatible on. We don't like the same kind of movies, the same music, the same types of food...and yet July 31st will be our 12th wedding anniversary..and we're still very much in love and happy! God knows what He's doing so trust in Him...not that test! I'll be praying that things work out for you guys!
  • runlorirun
    runlorirun Posts: 389
    Options
    I don't think a test can tell you if you will be happily married or not. I met and married my husband in less than one month. July 13th will be our 21st anniversary. As a joke once we took the Harmony matchmaker test and failed it, we were not compatible according to that test. We had been married for 15 years then and tend to laugh about it.

    Only you know deep in your heart if you are right for each other, don't let anyone or test tell you differently. Marriage is never 100% easy, you will have arguments, there will be tears and hard times. It's how you work through those times that matter the most.

    67% is good, it means there is more room for you to grow as a couple, more things for you to talk over, to compromise on. Honestly I would have been more worried if you scored 100%.

    Love grows more each day/year.
  • shonasteele
    shonasteele Posts: 473
    Options
    The key to a good marriage is communication and now you have a great list of things to start talking about!

    Take all of the things on that test and talk about them NOW so you can get on the same page about things that might become a problem further down the road. If you can resolve or at least discuss those things and make it clear how you both feel about all of them, that will give you a great foundation for the future.

    I think another secret reason for a test like that is not just about compatibility but also how you deal with the results and use them to make your relationship better. Having a 'heads up' about these things now COULD be a real bonus IF you take advantage of the opportunity to work on them now and practice your communication skills before a big issue arises.

    On the flip side, if the results are freaking you out THAT much, maybe you should do some serious thinking or praying about why you are so distressed by it. Is it because deep down you fear it might be true? I'm not saying it is, just putting that out there as something to consider - sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to hear and to face.

    Either way, deal with what you discover by talking about it and don't just brush it under the rug.

    Peace & Blessings
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    Options
    No relationship is perfect, hon. In fact, I think it's a great reality check about how the rest of your lives will go. You may always perceive things a bit differently or maybe you'll be lucky and find a way to compromise and/or work through these differences. Don't think so negatively about it, think of it as an opportunity to learn more about each other and grow together!
  • crazymama2two
    crazymama2two Posts: 867
    Options
    opposites attract? thats the best part of being a couple - figuring things out together. im sure you know marriage isnt all roses and butterflies - tha'ts where the other 42% comes into play. you only grow stronger when you work together at the differences.
  • crazymama2two
    crazymama2two Posts: 867
    Options
    opposites attract? thats the best part of being a couple - figuring things out together. im sure you know marriage isnt all roses and butterflies - tha'ts where the other 42% comes into play. you only grow stronger when you work together at the differences.

    well thats really not THE BEST part of course but you know what i meant :)
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Options
    There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts.

    The test means nothing, but this does.
  • mamaredhead
    mamaredhead Posts: 112
    Options
    So sorry to hear that you are feeling bad!
    First of all: Follow your heart. If it has led you to the point where you are now, you won't go wrong.

    Take it as a chance to find out something in advance that other couples need years for: Maybe there is a small truth in all of what the test said was not "perfect"?! Besides from the facts that marriages are not there to be perfect but to support each other whenever one is NOT -- talk about it!!! Good thing you didn't have to have fights over it in a couple of years or get into serious trouble with each other about one or the other "difference" that you were never able to straighten out -- How cool is that?!

    A lot of people have to find out the hard and painful way what underlying "problems" there are in their relationship. I am sure that this test is meant to be your chance to be faster, to not let the difficulties take over your relationship but get going on them before they even get any bigger.

    And yeah, 67% is a lot to start with!!! This is a great opportunity to make the most out of it!!! :-)

    One very, very personal advice that I would also give you if we knew each other in person (since that's my personal experience and belief): Follow your heart. I've already said that before ... if it tells you something different now ... do think positively or use that chance to think it over. Be honest with yourself and your partner all the way.
  • NanBar
    NanBar Posts: 283 Member
    Options
    You should ask some friends or family that are already married to take the same test and see what their results are. You might find 67% is a really good result!

    Coming from someone in a VERY happy marriage- I think THIS is the best advice you have received.
  • AEisele
    AEisele Posts: 98 Member
    Options
    I felt like we were good together, that we understand eachother. We have fun together, we make eachother laugh, we do a lot of things together.


    Has your oppinion changed just because of the test? A good marriage is based on bendability not so much compatability. You learn to give more than you take and change when needed. With good communication and shared spiritual goals, you'll be fine. Remember ; Two are better than one.......and a three fold cord can not be easily broken.

    This from someone who has been happily married to her best friend for 34 years. And believe me, we are very different in our likes and dislikes. I know we wouldn't pass that test. But we love each other and share storng spiritual beleifs and goals.
  • kelsully
    kelsully Posts: 1,008 Member
    Options
    The issue with tests like this is that is does not take certain things into consideration. ie..men and women read the same question differently...what does the word support mean to each of you? There was a post earlier today in which a husband suggested that his wife have plastic surgery when she expressed a frustration about her stomach. Men and women view the exact same situation differently..so while he was most likely "helping" his wife by giving her a possible solution to her problem she just needed someone to listen and hug her and tell her it was ok...They don't have a lack of compatability etc they are a man and a woman doing the best they can...upon a further discussion they worked it out...that is marriage...figuring out how to make it work despite doing things and seeing things differently...marriage is not always being in agreance from jump street....

    Also...I do a lot of things because it is how I want to be treated thus think I am being supportive etc. When I am stressed out or sad over a situation...ONE offer of help, company etc is great..even better in a text or email but mostly I want to know the help is there if I need it but I really want to handle things myself. I in turn give people the same space...one mention of my concern, care etc then I back off and give them space...my sister in law sees me as cool and unsupportive because of this. She wants people all around her and to be busy etc...I don't do enough for her in her times of need and when I have a time of need her business is aggravating and crowding...I think I am doing the right thing and so does she...when we talked about it once it helped...she backs off, not enough for my liking but she is trying and I try to be more present when she is in need....it is about trying to meet in the middle...
  • LilChickPea
    LilChickPea Posts: 122 Member
    Options
    Don't sweat it! I'm Catholic and my hubby is not, but he went through pre-cana with me. We did a test as well. The priest looked at us and said you are not compatible at all. We looked at each and laughed. He said with a straight face, "I'm serious. This is not good." Well, here we are, 7 years and doing great! Our marriage has gone through some SERIOUS tough times in just those 7 years, but it has only made us stronger.

    Take it with a grain of salt!

    Not to get too religious here, but God brought you together and God does not make mistakes.

    Good Luck!
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
    Options
    Although it would be hard to hear when you are so in love, instead of letting the results get you down, let them fuel you into working on those areas that need work. You are blessed to find out these things now rather than after 5 years of hard feelings and misunderstandings. I will be praying that God's will is done in your relationship and that you are both obedient to what you hear from HIM.

    What she said. :smile: And congratulations on your upcoming wedding. You two will be just fine. :flowerforyou:
  • goron59
    goron59 Posts: 890 Member
    Options
    Congratulations on your engagement!

    Forget about the 67% being bad.

    You have a lifetime to grow in compatibility. If you were 100% at the start, the only way you can grow is apart!

    Here's to your golden anniversary :)
  • stacygowler
    stacygowler Posts: 4 Member
    Options
    In my experience with pre-marital counseling, we learned that a lot of couples go into marriage thinking that their relationship is awesome and that they are in a good spot. Obviously you want to be in a good spot going into the marriage, but you also don't want to let 'good spot' translate into 'don't need to work at it'. Marriage, and relationships of any kind, take a lot of work. Try to think of this 'test' as a spring board for conversations, and let those conversations move towards actions and behaviors that will build your relationship up. I also would recommend the books "for men only" and "for women only". They give great insight into how the opposite sex is thinking.

    http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1308088036&sr=8-2
    http://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/1590525728/ref=pd_sim_b_1

    I know that we took a similar test during our pre-marital counseling, and I honestly can't remember what our score was. Don't let a number define your relationship, but learn from the insight that the results can give you.
  • ladygloria
    ladygloria Posts: 279 Member
    Options
    Look at it as a starting place for open conversations. For example, you can say "it says you don't feel like I support you in your job, can you tell me why? What can I do to help you feel more supported." Maybe using it this way you can talk about things that would otherwise never come out in the open but might fester under the surface.

    As far as the "67% compatible" - don't read too much into that!! My husband and I would have probably come out as very incompatible - our likes, our family backgrounds, our interests, etc were very different; about all we had in common was our religion and that we really loved each other. 16 years later, we've grown more like each other. I'm actually interested in cars now *gasp* and he is a reader -has read Pride & Prejudice (the real one by Jane Austin) and loved it. We still have plenty of different interests and desires - he's a self-professed redneck and I'm a math geek - but we work to complement each other (one of us has a gap, the other can often fill it in). A marriage is more about what you are willing to put into it than what you bring into it.
    .

    All important points. The point of this counseling is to prepare you for the open and honest communication you need in a successful marriage. Far too many people divorce on key issues that are brought up in those tests and are things that must be discussed to learn how to build your relationship on trust. Trust and communication are the keys to a good marriage, which will cause lots of hurt feelings over the years because of how much the simplest act or word stings from the ones we love the most. Starting now, you two are working on becoming one and don't worry, you don't have to be a 100% copy of one another to happily live in a successful marriage. Remember that this relationship doesn't boil down to a day of ceremony, no matter how fancy, but a lifetime of commitment, hard work, patience, trust, communication, and love.
  • 37mom
    37mom Posts: 74
    Options
    Don't sweat it! I'm Catholic and my hubby is not, but he went through pre-cana with me. We did a test as well. The priest looked at us and said you are not compatible at all. We looked at each and laughed. He said with a straight face, "I'm serious. This is not good." Well, here we are, 7 years and doing great! Our marriage has gone through some SERIOUS tough times in just those 7 years, but it has only made us stronger.

    Take it with a grain of salt!

    Not to get too religious here, but God brought you together and God does not make mistakes.

    Good Luck!
    What kind of priest did you have...lol...I am catholic and we did some test also. I am pretty sure we didn't do as well as we thought we would...but our priest just smiled and said" now you know what to work on" ......What a silly priest you had!
  • kristelpoole
    kristelpoole Posts: 440 Member
    Options
    There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts.

    The test means nothing, but this does.

    Agreed. You have to be able to hear this kind of honest (albeit hard to hear) feedback and put it to good use. Talk about it, work on it. You want him to feel supported, right? But he doesn't. So what does that mean to him and what does he think would make him feel that you support him? It's okay to have a conflict like this, but you have to solve it together and that takes active participation and communication from both sides without building up resentment. Good luck! It's a great opportunity to build an amazing marriage!

Categories